ketevanreads's review against another edition
2.0
While it might have been a groundbreaking book at the time, this hasn't aged very well. Its aim was to be inclusive of all attachment styles, but does not even have a chapter for anxious-avoidant, claiming it's such a tiny proportion of the population and that they should take what works from both anxious and avoidant chapters. It also completely ignores that attachment styles can change based on the partner you're with--different partners can draw out different reactions and behaviors. These are major gaps and flaws. I'm not sure I can recommend this book due to these reasons.
It's clearly written from the anxious attachment perspective, but this isn't helpful even for those with anxious attachments because the advice given is often quite problematic. There's also very little for those with avoidant attachment--the general vibe is that anxious-attachment folks need to be reassured and accommodated in their desires, while avoidant folks need to basically work on themselves and fix themselves for a healthy relationship. The idea is if you point out to an avoidant person how they're being avoidant, they'll realize the error of their ways and change. The truth is that everyone has valid needs and desires no matter their attachment style, and pathologizing avoidants while over-validating anxious isn't super helpful.
The general position that is taken throughout is that secure people are fine and mostly don't need this book. The anxious-attached need to be better at screening and not be in a relationship with the avoidant attached. Everyone needs to give anxious people what they need because it's VALID. Avoidants need to fix themselves to find love because needing space means there's something WRONG with you. And almost every combo just needs to either compromise loads or break-up. There's very little nuance in what compromise truly looks like, when to break up (no statement on abuse or drawing boundaries, etc.) It also doesn't discuss boundaries, trauma, abuse, disability, neurotype, class/financial strain, etc. It's very simplified and while might be a helpful starter for someone who has never heard of attachment theory or doesn't believe in attachment theory (lots of scientific studies are cited), I can't in good conscious recommend this to the majority of people out there.
The most worrisome piece is the case study described in chapter 10-- it describes a classically abusive relationship between an anxious-attached and avoidant-attached person. It describes the abuse as a result of the avoidant attachment style of the abuser--(if only intimate partner violence could be so simple!) and then describes a happily ever after--after the anxious person leaves and finds happiness elsewhere with a secure person. None of this was described as abusive and none of the abusive behavior was decried as wrong, just a normal part of having an avoidant attachment. The reality that sometimes secure people end up in abusive relationships is briefly acknowledged and the (secure) reader is given a 3 sentence lecture about how it's not worth it.
After writing it all out, I have to bump it down to a 2 star.
It's clearly written from the anxious attachment perspective, but this isn't helpful even for those with anxious attachments because the advice given is often quite problematic. There's also very little for those with avoidant attachment--the general vibe is that anxious-attachment folks need to be reassured and accommodated in their desires, while avoidant folks need to basically work on themselves and fix themselves for a healthy relationship. The idea is if you point out to an avoidant person how they're being avoidant, they'll realize the error of their ways and change. The truth is that everyone has valid needs and desires no matter their attachment style, and pathologizing avoidants while over-validating anxious isn't super helpful.
The general position that is taken throughout is that secure people are fine and mostly don't need this book. The anxious-attached need to be better at screening and not be in a relationship with the avoidant attached. Everyone needs to give anxious people what they need because it's VALID. Avoidants need to fix themselves to find love because needing space means there's something WRONG with you. And almost every combo just needs to either compromise loads or break-up. There's very little nuance in what compromise truly looks like, when to break up (no statement on abuse or drawing boundaries, etc.) It also doesn't discuss boundaries, trauma, abuse, disability, neurotype, class/financial strain, etc. It's very simplified and while might be a helpful starter for someone who has never heard of attachment theory or doesn't believe in attachment theory (lots of scientific studies are cited), I can't in good conscious recommend this to the majority of people out there.
The most worrisome piece is the case study described in chapter 10-- it describes a classically abusive relationship between an anxious-attached and avoidant-attached person. It describes the abuse as a result of the avoidant attachment style of the abuser--(if only intimate partner violence could be so simple!) and then describes a happily ever after--after the anxious person leaves and finds happiness elsewhere with a secure person. None of this was described as abusive and none of the abusive behavior was decried as wrong, just a normal part of having an avoidant attachment. The reality that sometimes secure people end up in abusive relationships is briefly acknowledged and the (secure) reader is given a 3 sentence lecture about how it's not worth it.
After writing it all out, I have to bump it down to a 2 star.
kiddoliddo's review against another edition
File under: things I felt like I needed to read/listen to just because I’m a therapist
franceshaha's review against another edition
inspiring
medium-paced
4.0
liked this one better than love sense. feels more grounded.
roseofphantom's review against another edition
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.0
Some great insights that are definitely different from what peers and society try to tell you!
lagerslipstickliterature's review against another edition
hopeful
informative
reflective
medium-paced
3.75
It was okay? I liked how it went into the facts but I feel like there were so many side stories of different people that it got muddled in?