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The Defining Decade Lib/E: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now by
m_h_'s review
informative
medium-paced
2.0
The main gist of the book, which is to not waste your twenties and instead use them to lay a foundation for your thirties, is all good and well. However, I found the author's views to be prescriptivist and not very nuanced. She makes broad strokes about, and I quote, "good jobs and real relationships" and doesn't leave much room for how that looks different for everyone.
For example, Jay tells one client that being a nanny doesn't carry the same social capital as other types of "stepping-stone" jobs. She seems sympathetic to how hard it can be to get a full-time job, but she then relates it to her own summer working outdoors doing hiking tours. She claims that her job gave her social capital because future employers always asked about it. I found this irritating, because Jay ended up sounding quite classist. How is nannying less interesting than leading outdoor experiences? What if an interviewer had been a nanny themselves and found that client's experience interesting? And what if Jay herself had run into an interviewer who condescended physical labor and judged Jay for wasting a summer in hiking boots? Her point about social capital didn't hold much water.
I did relate to the chapter titled, "My Life Should Look Better on Instagram," which bore this singular nugget of interest to me: "Shoulds can masquerade as high standards or lofty goals, but they are not the same. Goals direct us from the inside, but shoulds judge us from the outside. Goals feel like authentic dreams, while shoulds feel like oppressive standards. Shoulds set up a flase dichotomy between either meeting an ideal or being a failure, between perfection or settling. The tyranny of the should pits us against our own best interests." That right there is why I'm in therapy, so I thought it was an astute observation.
In general, I think Jay should have focused more on how to teach folks to discover what they want out of life instead of telling them they want a "good job and real relationships." She does discuss briefly on how to get back in touch with childhood interests and dreams, and her 29 questions for relationships would definitely help a couple define their ideal future together. But don't prescribe them a life. Let them figure out what they want and teach them how to cope with life's curveballs. Jay tries to insist that she's balanced, but overall I got the tone that she knew best and was steering her clients to a very prescribed path.
Maybe it's because I haven't talked to enough people who feel so stuck and stagnant in life, maybe I don't know enough flounderers, but I truly think Jay has the wrong idea about those folks. Only one of her clients seemed like a petulant child who refused to commit to even renting an apartment. Everyone else seemed to be bound by the peculiarly devastating economic circumstances that so many Millennials have faced (can't get a job without experience, can't get experience without a job!), which I have a feeling Jay simply can't relate to. I don't know. Maybe this book is super helpful for people who struggle with making decisions, but as someone who has pretty clear goals her whole life, I only related to a small part of this book and was irritated by Jay's sanctimonious attitude.
For example, Jay tells one client that being a nanny doesn't carry the same social capital as other types of "stepping-stone" jobs. She seems sympathetic to how hard it can be to get a full-time job, but she then relates it to her own summer working outdoors doing hiking tours. She claims that her job gave her social capital because future employers always asked about it. I found this irritating, because Jay ended up sounding quite classist. How is nannying less interesting than leading outdoor experiences? What if an interviewer had been a nanny themselves and found that client's experience interesting? And what if Jay herself had run into an interviewer who condescended physical labor and judged Jay for wasting a summer in hiking boots? Her point about social capital didn't hold much water.
I did relate to the chapter titled, "My Life Should Look Better on Instagram," which bore this singular nugget of interest to me: "Shoulds can masquerade as high standards or lofty goals, but they are not the same. Goals direct us from the inside, but shoulds judge us from the outside. Goals feel like authentic dreams, while shoulds feel like oppressive standards. Shoulds set up a flase dichotomy between either meeting an ideal or being a failure, between perfection or settling. The tyranny of the should pits us against our own best interests." That right there is why I'm in therapy, so I thought it was an astute observation.
In general, I think Jay should have focused more on how to teach folks to discover what they want out of life instead of telling them they want a "good job and real relationships." She does discuss briefly on how to get back in touch with childhood interests and dreams, and her 29 questions for relationships would definitely help a couple define their ideal future together. But don't prescribe them a life. Let them figure out what they want and teach them how to cope with life's curveballs. Jay tries to insist that she's balanced, but overall I got the tone that she knew best and was steering her clients to a very prescribed path.
Maybe it's because I haven't talked to enough people who feel so stuck and stagnant in life, maybe I don't know enough flounderers, but I truly think Jay has the wrong idea about those folks. Only one of her clients seemed like a petulant child who refused to commit to even renting an apartment. Everyone else seemed to be bound by the peculiarly devastating economic circumstances that so many Millennials have faced (can't get a job without experience, can't get experience without a job!), which I have a feeling Jay simply can't relate to. I don't know. Maybe this book is super helpful for people who struggle with making decisions, but as someone who has pretty clear goals her whole life, I only related to a small part of this book and was irritated by Jay's sanctimonious attitude.
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