laynescherer's review against another edition
2.0
2.5 stars overall
4 stars for ability to articulate Very Specific Feelings & Experiences in a Way that Felt Validating
1.5 stars for another book that seems to center the experiences of upper-middle class white woman as a default, problematic uses of evidence, and troubling language
It is my fault that I picked up this book thinking about how it would address sleep disorders in women. Calhoun's book reads like a long NYTimes Magazine or a piece in the Atlantic, and perhaps this may have felt like a tighter read if it had been in one of those settings. My major issues with this book is that it claims and centers the experiences of white, cisgender, heterosexual women with means as the dominant way to understand women in midlife. This feels very in the lines of Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In."
It features I think once instance of a queer couple and barely mentions the issues of race outside of comparative statistics. The book ends with a game of “Prison or School” of buildings on a drive through rural Texas. While there definitely problems with the way public education is run in the country and it is couched in a review of architecture, it seems like a particularly problematic anecdote given the way the school-to-prison industrial complex disproportionately impacts Black, Indigenous, and people of color. Here, it’s a game.
I have the biggest issues with the framing of some of the evidence. In the first few chapters, I thought this might go in the lines of a Mary Roach, Rebecca Traister, or Peggy Orenstein. Writers (all white women themselves) who approach the issues with evidence while using a tone and anecdote to build connection. Calhoun doesn't get there.
- Despite the title about sleep disorders, it does not mention how the medical field has chronically underdiagnosed sleep disorders in women and instead attributed most issues to depression and anxiety. Obstructive sleep apnea has symptoms that are predominately noticed and attributed to men, and there's an effort to shed more light on how women are impacted by challenges in sleep. I'm shocked that this wasn't brought up.
- The reliance on alcohol as a way to alleviate stress also does not come with any conversation about the increase of alcoholism, the associated health risks, and how these issues can impact individuals/families.
- In discussing the concerns about fertility, she does not take time to complicate how the idea of a steep decline in the 30s is more gradual. In general, the medical research on pregnancy and pregnant people is limited because of the caution exercised in doing research on people who are trying to conceive/pregnant.
- The framing of divorce in chapter 10 as unnecessary and a result of women making decisions without communicating issues with a partner. This CAN be a problem, but it doesn't really loop back to the enormous effort women are asked to devote to a family and household. To make saving the marriage the onus of the woman feels neglectful.
- I also found the comments about anti-depressants troubling. There are many profiles of medications to address mental illness. Yes, many common side effects are loss of libido, weight gain, and feeling flat. Many people will change medications until they find something that works. The quote around Gen X women from a doctor is that they are "a bit demanding." This does not help with the concerns and shame that women may feel when advocating for their health.
In terms of what worked, I do appreciate the earlier chapters and the grounding of the book in how the divestment in government social supports have eviscerated the ability to get an affordable education, care for oneself and others through medical issues (both short-term and chronic), secure affordable housing, survive in a problematic/racist/sexist labor market, and build toward a secure retirement. The late chapter on the impact of social media also expands the discourse to how older generations, not just Gen Z and Millennials have been impacted by use.
4 stars for ability to articulate Very Specific Feelings & Experiences in a Way that Felt Validating
1.5 stars for another book that seems to center the experiences of upper-middle class white woman as a default, problematic uses of evidence, and troubling language
It is my fault that I picked up this book thinking about how it would address sleep disorders in women. Calhoun's book reads like a long NYTimes Magazine or a piece in the Atlantic, and perhaps this may have felt like a tighter read if it had been in one of those settings. My major issues with this book is that it claims and centers the experiences of white, cisgender, heterosexual women with means as the dominant way to understand women in midlife. This feels very in the lines of Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In."
It features I think once instance of a queer couple and barely mentions the issues of race outside of comparative statistics. The book ends with a game of “Prison or School” of buildings on a drive through rural Texas. While there definitely problems with the way public education is run in the country and it is couched in a review of architecture, it seems like a particularly problematic anecdote given the way the school-to-prison industrial complex disproportionately impacts Black, Indigenous, and people of color. Here, it’s a game.
I have the biggest issues with the framing of some of the evidence. In the first few chapters, I thought this might go in the lines of a Mary Roach, Rebecca Traister, or Peggy Orenstein. Writers (all white women themselves) who approach the issues with evidence while using a tone and anecdote to build connection. Calhoun doesn't get there.
- Despite the title about sleep disorders, it does not mention how the medical field has chronically underdiagnosed sleep disorders in women and instead attributed most issues to depression and anxiety. Obstructive sleep apnea has symptoms that are predominately noticed and attributed to men, and there's an effort to shed more light on how women are impacted by challenges in sleep. I'm shocked that this wasn't brought up.
- The reliance on alcohol as a way to alleviate stress also does not come with any conversation about the increase of alcoholism, the associated health risks, and how these issues can impact individuals/families.
- In discussing the concerns about fertility, she does not take time to complicate how the idea of a steep decline in the 30s is more gradual. In general, the medical research on pregnancy and pregnant people is limited because of the caution exercised in doing research on people who are trying to conceive/pregnant.
- The framing of divorce in chapter 10 as unnecessary and a result of women making decisions without communicating issues with a partner. This CAN be a problem, but it doesn't really loop back to the enormous effort women are asked to devote to a family and household. To make saving the marriage the onus of the woman feels neglectful.
- I also found the comments about anti-depressants troubling. There are many profiles of medications to address mental illness. Yes, many common side effects are loss of libido, weight gain, and feeling flat. Many people will change medications until they find something that works. The quote around Gen X women from a doctor is that they are "a bit demanding." This does not help with the concerns and shame that women may feel when advocating for their health.
In terms of what worked, I do appreciate the earlier chapters and the grounding of the book in how the divestment in government social supports have eviscerated the ability to get an affordable education, care for oneself and others through medical issues (both short-term and chronic), secure affordable housing, survive in a problematic/racist/sexist labor market, and build toward a secure retirement. The late chapter on the impact of social media also expands the discourse to how older generations, not just Gen Z and Millennials have been impacted by use.
slelswick's review against another edition
5.0
Holy cow! It's not just me who feels this way. This book validates every point of stress I'm feeling right now from work, social, marriage, kids, body--all of it. As Gen Xer women we are sandwiched between caring for aging parents and our kids all while being the first downwardly mobile generation. We are all fucked. But there is hope. After reading this book, find your tribe of ride or die friends who will bring the shovel and the wine to support you.
dyslexicilliterateperson's review against another edition
Wasn’t for my generation I suppose and therefore was outdated to ky experience
valouis13's review against another edition
3.0
I appreciated the context of the book. I also resonated with much of it. However, it’s target feels very narrow - glossing over lots of race, class issues though she does speak to this narrowing at the beginning. I also felt like she really didn’t address the no support feeling much other than fine support. I think it’s worth the read for the comets but also keeping in mind it’s flawed. I think it could have been longer with a bit more depth could’ve been helpful to overcome its shortcomings
theshaggyshepherd's review against another edition
4.0
Why We Can't Sleep // by Ada Calhoun
Despite being younger than the target audience or the topic of her research, I still am glad to have read this book. Ada Calhoun, herself in the middle of a mid-life crisis when she first started writing this book, wrote about the many reasons that keep a lot of Gen X women up at night: finances, relationships, employment, children, parents, health, etc. While I don't have to worry about some of those things myself yet, the writing style still made me feel like she was talking to me anyways, helping me understand members of my family, my friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. While I don't generally fact check sources in books like this (there are just too many books for me to read to spend time on that) and therefore can't speak on the validity of her claims, many things do seem to make more sense to me now and I feel a little less apprehensive about reaching that age than I did before (hah). Her research once again shows though how much more focus there is on men's health and well-being, not that I am surprised by that in any way. I really liked that she tried to refrain from giving advice as much as possible but rather presented ways that helped her or a friend as examples on how to find your own way through those struggles.
Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review.
Despite being younger than the target audience or the topic of her research, I still am glad to have read this book. Ada Calhoun, herself in the middle of a mid-life crisis when she first started writing this book, wrote about the many reasons that keep a lot of Gen X women up at night: finances, relationships, employment, children, parents, health, etc. While I don't have to worry about some of those things myself yet, the writing style still made me feel like she was talking to me anyways, helping me understand members of my family, my friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. While I don't generally fact check sources in books like this (there are just too many books for me to read to spend time on that) and therefore can't speak on the validity of her claims, many things do seem to make more sense to me now and I feel a little less apprehensive about reaching that age than I did before (hah). Her research once again shows though how much more focus there is on men's health and well-being, not that I am surprised by that in any way. I really liked that she tried to refrain from giving advice as much as possible but rather presented ways that helped her or a friend as examples on how to find your own way through those struggles.
Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review.
elinacre's review against another edition
4.0
Torn (still) between feeling guilty for thinking my life is hard sometimes, and incredibly relieved that others like me feel that way too. Lots of great quotes in here, regardless of how I feel about the book as a whole.
As a mom, to my kids: "Whatever you want to make you happy, that's all I want for you: to be healthy and happy." (p31)
As a person who wishes she were brave enough to choose the more adventurous path sometimes: "...[it's] wonderful to have choices that our mothers didn't have, but choices don't make life easier. Possibilities create pressure." (p31)
As a quiet person who often feels like she's forgotten how to converse: "She feels invisible, but she doesn't talk about it a lot because she doesn't want to be seen as an ingrate." (p53)
As someone who kinda thought it might get better in the next decade: "Nobody, when you're forty-five, is telling you you're awesome. Nobody. Your kids aren't going to say thank you and validate you and appreciate you." (p59)
As a working parent who has missed out on more weekday evenings and bedtimes than she can think about: "Since our own childhoods, the time parents spend caring for their children's basic needs has risen dramatically. [In] 1965 mothers spent 9 hours a week on paid work and ten hours on childcare. In 2016, mothers spent twenty-five hours on paid work at fourteen on child care. Something has to give, and it's usually women's leisure time or sleep. Even so, of mothers with full-time jobs, 43 percent still lament spending too little time with their children." (p70-71)
As someone who's still working on self-care: "You know how to do this already: love when it's difficult. It's a superpower. You just need to use it for yourself, too." (p88).
As a mom, to my kids: "Whatever you want to make you happy, that's all I want for you: to be healthy and happy." (p31)
As a person who wishes she were brave enough to choose the more adventurous path sometimes: "...[it's] wonderful to have choices that our mothers didn't have, but choices don't make life easier. Possibilities create pressure." (p31)
As a quiet person who often feels like she's forgotten how to converse: "She feels invisible, but she doesn't talk about it a lot because she doesn't want to be seen as an ingrate." (p53)
As someone who kinda thought it might get better in the next decade: "Nobody, when you're forty-five, is telling you you're awesome. Nobody. Your kids aren't going to say thank you and validate you and appreciate you." (p59)
As a working parent who has missed out on more weekday evenings and bedtimes than she can think about: "Since our own childhoods, the time parents spend caring for their children's basic needs has risen dramatically. [In] 1965 mothers spent 9 hours a week on paid work and ten hours on childcare. In 2016, mothers spent twenty-five hours on paid work at fourteen on child care. Something has to give, and it's usually women's leisure time or sleep. Even so, of mothers with full-time jobs, 43 percent still lament spending too little time with their children." (p70-71)
As someone who's still working on self-care: "You know how to do this already: love when it's difficult. It's a superpower. You just need to use it for yourself, too." (p88).
siobst's review against another edition
5.0
I so very much enjoyed this book. While most of the book was spent explaining why Gen X women are experiencing mid-life crises, there was something reassuring about feeling like I'm not alone in the challenges of this life stage. And even though her proposed solutions at the end were simple and brief, I think there was some merit to them. In my opinion, this is a must-read for all Gen X women.
bak8382's review against another edition
4.0
This book is aimed at Generation X women, and as I'm only a couple of years younger than the youngest of that generation, making me an old millennial, there was still a lot here that I could relate to. There was the stark reminder that Generation X was the last to finish college without social media and all the pressure that comes with it. I graduated the same year that Facebook was invented and I think that's why I've never used it, if I was still in college when it was introduced I would have been all over it. There's a lot of uncertainty and anxiety in this time of women's lives and Calhoun covers a lot of that while also bringing some hope for the future. This was published in early 2020 before the pandemic really took hold in the US, and I wish the book could be updated to discuss that as well.
connieaw's review against another edition
4.0
This book is for all of my GEN X friends. Especially the 76% of you that aren't stay-at-home moms.