mec8337's review against another edition
4.0
This was an interesting book that explored the "why" behind abusive people and how they act in relationships. Although it did not personally apply directly to my life, it was easy to make connections to some of the behaviors in my previous relationships and helped give a bit of an insight into those behaviors. This book was written in the early 00's and this gave me hope for our society because it was evident that a few of the changes the author said were needed to create lasting societal change have been happening, albeit slowly.
minaminabot's review against another edition
5.0
This was a great read, and taught me just how much I didn't know about abusers and how much society gets things incorrect about abusers.
I do not come from an abusive relationships, but now I have the tools to be able to better perceive if I am with someone who tries to gaslight me or put me in this situation.
While the language used is the abuser is male, and the abused is female, the things you learn apply to same-sex relationships as well. (And the author ALSO highlights this more than once)
I do not come from an abusive relationships, but now I have the tools to be able to better perceive if I am with someone who tries to gaslight me or put me in this situation.
While the language used is the abuser is male, and the abused is female, the things you learn apply to same-sex relationships as well. (And the author ALSO highlights this more than once)
c4ssandr4's review against another edition
challenging
dark
informative
slow-paced
4.0
I definitely found this to be an important book to read. It felt very informative and I think I came out of it with a better understanding of the dynamics at play in abuse. It cleared up some misconceptions I had, and I think I am now far better equipped to deal with some things than I used to be — I know it's already affected how I look at how media depict relationships between men and women. I do think that the book downplays a bit too much the possibility of women being abusive. I understand the author's choices and reasonings as he explains them, but I still think the book would have benefitted from a stronger acknowledgment of that possibility. That being said, the book was written 20 years ago and it makes sense that perception would have shifted since then; the fact that so much of it is still relevant is quite chilling, actually. All in all, genuinely an important read to understand the functioning of abusive men, which is exactly what the book sets out to explain.
kristenlem's review against another edition
5.0
Absolute must read for anyone who has either endured abuse or questioning whether you might have. This focuses on abuse perpetrated by a male towards a female in a heterosexual romantic relationship, however those wondering about an abusive father to daughter relationship will also find this helpful. The crux of it all is the abuser’s beliefs and value system, which this book explains very well. I’m sure at points you’ve searched for your abuser’s humanity and wondered why he does this. This book answers those questions with validating, empathetic, and evidence based specificity. A valuable read for those who have experienced emotional and/or physical abuse - the dynamics beneath the harmful actions are very similar.
sheabutterfemme's review against another edition
4.0
This book was really difficult for me to get through, simply because it mirrored so much of my experience in an abusive relationship. I found the book to be pretty up to date despite being written a while ago. Bancroft is empowering yet firm, and really seems committed to ending abuse. He's also not judgemental. That makes for this book being an affirming read. I recommend it for all survivors and wish I read it earlier.
I wasn't expecting the book to be abolitionist, but it leaves me with a lot to think about. Bancroft points out the issues with the system, and also talks about how community support seems to be most important with ending abuse. Even his suggestions of calling agencies etc were well-intended, but he acknowledged the issues with those too, along with therapy. There really are so little options for survivors and that makes me so sad. I'll be thinking about this book a lot, and will probably re-read. I'm sad lol.
I took off a star because there wasnt an explicit naming of the patriarchy, and how that facilitates violence. Pretty decent analysis of race, class, and also sexuality though, and how stereotypes and power dynamics can impact abusive relationships.
I wasn't expecting the book to be abolitionist, but it leaves me with a lot to think about. Bancroft points out the issues with the system, and also talks about how community support seems to be most important with ending abuse. Even his suggestions of calling agencies etc were well-intended, but he acknowledged the issues with those too, along with therapy. There really are so little options for survivors and that makes me so sad. I'll be thinking about this book a lot, and will probably re-read. I'm sad lol.
I took off a star because there wasnt an explicit naming of the patriarchy, and how that facilitates violence. Pretty decent analysis of race, class, and also sexuality though, and how stereotypes and power dynamics can impact abusive relationships.