fesd5's review against another edition
informative
medium-paced
4.0
I was really torn when rating this book; I found Dufu's text so educational and her stories not only engaging, but relatable. My rating struggle came in relation to the fact that the book felt too long in places.
antidietleah's review against another edition
2.0
While the overall message is good, she isn't relatable and as a child free person, much of her advice and examples weren't pertinent to me.
jennaherr's review against another edition
4.0
Feel like this is my new welcome to parenthood book for all new moms and dads. More relevant than ever coming out of the pandemic.
rachbreads's review against another edition
5.0
Well, if you know me in real life, get ready for me to spam you with this book. By the time I was about 1/3 of the way through I knew this was a favorite/5-star/recommend-to-everyone read.
In our present cultural climate, it seems like there is not a lot of room for the quiet, respectful, moderate, and practical voices to come through when they speak about pressing and current issues. That's why reading Tiffany Dufu's book felt like an absolute breath of fresh air. She has so many insightful and progressive ideas about "gender roles" and the way that spouses should partner together to take care of a home and children. However, her tactic to empower women to succeed is not to put men down, but in fact to empower men to take greater responsibility in caring for their homes and their families. She makes the point that when we as women perpetuate this "helpless man" myth - you've all seen the commercials of the men who are supposedly incapable of caring for their children or homes - we are only hurting ourselves, as we are crippling and criticizing the very people that could help lighten our load!
As a young married (but childless) woman just starting in a career that I am passionate about, have worked really hard for, and am nowhere near willing to compromise or give up for more "domestic pursuits," I was encouraged and inspired by Dufu's ideas. Her theory is not "don't have a family or you'll lose your career" or "just make enough to pay someone else to do all of the work of caring for your home and children" or "your husband sucks at being domestic, so just try really hard to do it all" - she gives practical solutions to finding balance and an equitable division of work between two spouses (what she calls All-In Partners, which I love) and also being willing to let a few things go. I felt like I really benefitted from her wisdom when she says that not everything will be perfect when we embrace this technique. If/when I "drop the ball" on cleaning the bathroom, no one else may pick it up, and even if they do, they might not do it to my standards and that's okay. This lesson will be a hard one for me to learn as a true perfectionist, but it has worked so well for her family that I'm willing to give it a try.
I strongly urge anyone (male or female) who is married, planning on getting married, or living with a partner, to pick up this book and be encouraged by how we can all work together to ensure we have cared-for homes, well-raised children, and successful careers. Cannot recommend enough.
In our present cultural climate, it seems like there is not a lot of room for the quiet, respectful, moderate, and practical voices to come through when they speak about pressing and current issues. That's why reading Tiffany Dufu's book felt like an absolute breath of fresh air. She has so many insightful and progressive ideas about "gender roles" and the way that spouses should partner together to take care of a home and children. However, her tactic to empower women to succeed is not to put men down, but in fact to empower men to take greater responsibility in caring for their homes and their families. She makes the point that when we as women perpetuate this "helpless man" myth - you've all seen the commercials of the men who are supposedly incapable of caring for their children or homes - we are only hurting ourselves, as we are crippling and criticizing the very people that could help lighten our load!
As a young married (but childless) woman just starting in a career that I am passionate about, have worked really hard for, and am nowhere near willing to compromise or give up for more "domestic pursuits," I was encouraged and inspired by Dufu's ideas. Her theory is not "don't have a family or you'll lose your career" or "just make enough to pay someone else to do all of the work of caring for your home and children" or "your husband sucks at being domestic, so just try really hard to do it all" - she gives practical solutions to finding balance and an equitable division of work between two spouses (what she calls All-In Partners, which I love) and also being willing to let a few things go. I felt like I really benefitted from her wisdom when she says that not everything will be perfect when we embrace this technique. If/when I "drop the ball" on cleaning the bathroom, no one else may pick it up, and even if they do, they might not do it to my standards and that's okay. This lesson will be a hard one for me to learn as a true perfectionist, but it has worked so well for her family that I'm willing to give it a try.
I strongly urge anyone (male or female) who is married, planning on getting married, or living with a partner, to pick up this book and be encouraged by how we can all work together to ensure we have cared-for homes, well-raised children, and successful careers. Cannot recommend enough.
tea_and_starstuff's review against another edition
informative
reflective
medium-paced
4.0
Good advice that wasn't for me. Was hoping for more of how to manage dropping the ball at work, and this was much more about giving up being perfect at home. Also very targeted at working moms. Still some good ideas, I'll be noodling over the idea of my best use vs the things I do the best for awhile.
norynor's review against another edition
2.0
I think I maybe didn’t read the synopsis before diving in. I expected this to be a book more focused on perfectionism and how to expect less of yourself, but it was mostly about dropping the ball at home so that you can push yourself at work. There were some situations I could relate to, and some solid tips about fair division of household labour, but it really wasn’t the book I thought it would be.
This book is very focused on the dynamics of a heterosexual couple with children, so the majority of the book didn’t feel relevant to me. If you (like Dufu) are straight, married with kids, working in a career that is your passion, and have trouble balancing it all, then you might get more out of this than I did.
And one more thing: It seems a little insensitive for those living with mental illness or OCD to call her perfectionist streak HCD (Home Control Disease). Is it just me that cringed every time?
This book is very focused on the dynamics of a heterosexual couple with children, so the majority of the book didn’t feel relevant to me. If you (like Dufu) are straight, married with kids, working in a career that is your passion, and have trouble balancing it all, then you might get more out of this than I did.
And one more thing: It seems a little insensitive for those living with mental illness or OCD to call her perfectionist streak HCD (Home Control Disease). Is it just me that cringed every time?
jess_segraves's review against another edition
4.0
This book isn't going to be for everyone, but it struck a chord with me. The audience is really focused on driven women with large networks (or the potential to tap into large networks). I liked that Dufu's book opened with her personal narrative yet didn't linger too long on any one aspect, focused on sharing the quotidian concerns that so many of us get caught up in. I found this to be a well-written, smartly argued book – and I'm really quite grateful for having a spouse who is already 50/50 with me on things.
inthecommonhours's review against another edition
4.0
I finished this a week ago, but haven't found the time to review (thus my interest in dropping a ball or two) or the words to describe how much I both enjoyed and disagreed with this book.
I expected this to be one of the many nonfiction "productivity" books that I normally skim for hacks and ideas. Instead I read this cover to cover, on my morning commute. I admire Dufu's frankness in sharing her ambition, and the choices/compromises she's made along the way. There were definite ideas I will take away. I liked the idea of a MEL to be aware of who is doing what, and her 4 go-tos, especially sleep (someday soon, I'm going to start getting some).
However, I found it questionable that while "dropping the ball" at home was repeatedly presented as the answer, "dropping the ball" professionally was never even a consideration. She tries to show respect to "unpaid working women" and appreciates their role in helping her in a pinch, but never really considers that there are women for whom raising their own children is a higher calling the C-suite. Lots of stats on how few parents stay at home but still believe that it would be better if they could---and she calls that a sign of our misled guilt rather than of a system that doesn't allow us to follow our hearts.
There is so much good here, I don't want to complain about it not being a different book---but in the same vein as Lean In (though with much more vulnerability and a focus on managing the details), this book asks us to change up our home lives to make them fit the work place demands while asking so very little change of the workplace.
I'm grateful for those who know their #1 priority and live by it. I couldn't agree more with the ideas of embracing imperfection and letting go of expectations to focus on what truly matters---it's just that the small moments that might be easy to delegate are exactly the ones that matter most to me, much more so than the abstract impact on the lives of others that Dufu chases, which sometimes comes across as code for a big salary.
I highly recommend the book if you are in these "trench" years, with paid work and children and partner whom you want to step up in the home. You likely won't agree with all of Dufu's solutions either but her generosity in sharing what works for her will give you lots to consider.
And seriously, her acknowledgment nod to her husband is one of the best lines, made meaningful by the continuous thread of that blue couch throughout the book.
This is already long, but some more notes for my own memory:
1. The t00-close-to-home detailed list for your partner or any care-giver when your kids are small
2.MEL was fascinating but I still felt she didn't look closely at the male-roles your husband listed that are so different than the oft-repeated tasks on her list. Maybe she would roll her eyes and say that insistance is what keeps us from accepting help, but it reminded me of my brother mowing the grass once a week, only during a few seasons, compared to nightly kitchen duty.
3.p193 on masculinity and gender roles, reminded me of all the teasing Brian took from Mitchell & Co. when he took paternity. I was shocked by it ("which one of you had the baby?" he said jokingly and Bri let it roll off but I was so offended).
4. I hated the Ashton Kushner story but it was spot-on---a woman leading the same charge would have been received so differently.
5. 4 Go-tos: exercise, sleep, lunch, events
6. 241 pissed me off
7.p.250 The idea of not missing any activity that was her own child's passion, vs something she has chosen for him
I expected this to be one of the many nonfiction "productivity" books that I normally skim for hacks and ideas. Instead I read this cover to cover, on my morning commute. I admire Dufu's frankness in sharing her ambition, and the choices/compromises she's made along the way. There were definite ideas I will take away. I liked the idea of a MEL to be aware of who is doing what, and her 4 go-tos, especially sleep (someday soon, I'm going to start getting some).
However, I found it questionable that while "dropping the ball" at home was repeatedly presented as the answer, "dropping the ball" professionally was never even a consideration. She tries to show respect to "unpaid working women" and appreciates their role in helping her in a pinch, but never really considers that there are women for whom raising their own children is a higher calling the C-suite. Lots of stats on how few parents stay at home but still believe that it would be better if they could---and she calls that a sign of our misled guilt rather than of a system that doesn't allow us to follow our hearts.
There is so much good here, I don't want to complain about it not being a different book---but in the same vein as Lean In (though with much more vulnerability and a focus on managing the details), this book asks us to change up our home lives to make them fit the work place demands while asking so very little change of the workplace.
I'm grateful for those who know their #1 priority and live by it. I couldn't agree more with the ideas of embracing imperfection and letting go of expectations to focus on what truly matters---it's just that the small moments that might be easy to delegate are exactly the ones that matter most to me, much more so than the abstract impact on the lives of others that Dufu chases, which sometimes comes across as code for a big salary.
I highly recommend the book if you are in these "trench" years, with paid work and children and partner whom you want to step up in the home. You likely won't agree with all of Dufu's solutions either but her generosity in sharing what works for her will give you lots to consider.
And seriously, her acknowledgment nod to her husband is one of the best lines, made meaningful by the continuous thread of that blue couch throughout the book.
This is already long, but some more notes for my own memory:
1. The t00-close-to-home detailed list for your partner or any care-giver when your kids are small
2.MEL was fascinating but I still felt she didn't look closely at the male-roles your husband listed that are so different than the oft-repeated tasks on her list. Maybe she would roll her eyes and say that insistance is what keeps us from accepting help, but it reminded me of my brother mowing the grass once a week, only during a few seasons, compared to nightly kitchen duty.
3.p193 on masculinity and gender roles, reminded me of all the teasing Brian took from Mitchell & Co. when he took paternity. I was shocked by it ("which one of you had the baby?" he said jokingly and Bri let it roll off but I was so offended).
4. I hated the Ashton Kushner story but it was spot-on---a woman leading the same charge would have been received so differently.
5. 4 Go-tos: exercise, sleep, lunch, events
6. 241 pissed me off
7.p.250 The idea of not missing any activity that was her own child's passion, vs something she has chosen for him
jessmsamuels's review against another edition
5.0
I enjoyed this book from Tiffany Dufu from beginning to end. Tiffany shares her story with the right mix of vulnerability, reflection, and learnings. As a parent in a two-family household who started with our first kid with a stay-at-home dad, I often had discussions in our house around gender roles. This was particularly acute as my partner and I saw time and time again mom's complaining about their partner's participation in childcare - while at the same time not relinquishing any control to them. It was a baffling state, and I think Tiffany captures this problem very well in her book, while sharing her process of creating an all-in parenting household.
My only complaint about the book is the partially unaddressed topic of mental load women take on as the ones who "delegate." Yes, she mentions making a list together and figuring out responsibilities, but at she did not call out the specific part about the role women take on as president and chief - delegator, and how to change that - without having to be a delegator.
My only complaint about the book is the partially unaddressed topic of mental load women take on as the ones who "delegate." Yes, she mentions making a list together and figuring out responsibilities, but at she did not call out the specific part about the role women take on as president and chief - delegator, and how to change that - without having to be a delegator.
readwithdawson's review against another edition
5.0
Most 'self-help' books come off condescending or require some sort of note taking on 'how to be a better person'. This book is not that. It's like I'm having a coffee with a friend and she's telling me how she's helped her life and helping me with mine. Super digestible advice and gave me the tools to open more communication with my partner and friends regarding responsibilities. If someone asked me if I read a book that changed my life, I would whole heartedly mention this one.