Reviews
Echte Freundschaft : Wie wir es schaffen, einander nah zu bleiben by Aminatou Sow, Ann Friedman
jillmacintyre's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
funny
hopeful
inspiring
reflective
relaxing
fast-paced
4.0
charlee92's review against another edition
reflective
medium-paced
4.0
this is exactly as it is described. stories of their friendship and notes on how they make it stronger over time. including overcoming issues. while not overly groundbreaking to me it is still really good insights.
joyyboyy's review against another edition
4.0
Lovey book. A touch disappointed that there were not more action items on how to do friendship well over time, but the anecdotes were great & I’d love to know more about these women’s careers lol.
rockcommander's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
inspiring
lighthearted
medium-paced
4.5
16swest's review against another edition
4.0
Deeply appreciated this discussion of a type of relationship that is often overlooked or deprioritized. I also appreciated their words on interracial friendship, specifically between black & white people. I love friendship! And I love my friends :)
izzy_v's review against another edition
3.0
It was an interesting overview of how friendships work and can be maintained but was simultaneously a look into their personal friendship AND a broader analysis of friendships in general. I would have preferred it do one or the other so it could go into more depth with either topic.
dorothy_gale's review against another edition
4.0
4★: SEVERAL MEATY NUGGETS. This 2020 book is 256 pages in print and 5.5 hours in audio. What follows is about 90% summary (possible spoilers), and 10% review. I read it as the first of seven non-fiction books on friendship that I plan to read this year. I would’ve given it another half star if the authors (Ann and Aminatou) made it leaner. They went into a lot of detail about their backgrounds that could have been slimmed down; I think those details made the book less relatable. I'm a Gen X’er with kids. Their story starts when the interracial millennial pair is in their mid-20s, post-college, pre-marriage/kids, and willing to move all over the country for their careers. The book covers the first decade of their friendship. I liked how vulnerable they were, and that they referenced studies and other books. The Goodreads description said “hilarious” but I didn’t find humor in the book at all. I liked that they got matching tattoos (THAT’S commitment!), that they would tell each other “I love your brain,” and they went to couples counseling to save the platonic friendship.
BIG FRIENDSHIP, DEFINED. The authors define Big Friendship as “...a bond of great strength, force and significance that transcends life phases, geography and emotional shifts. It is large in dimension affecting most aspects of each person’s life. It is full of meaning and resonance. A big friendship is reciprocal, with those parties feeling worthy of each other and willing to give of themselves in generous ways. A big friendship is active, hearty, and almost always a big friendship is mature. Its advanced age commands respect and predicts its ability to last far into the future.” And friendship is the least examined, most important relationship. And Big Friendships take WORK; it’s best to be intentional.
FRIENDSHIPS REQUIRING WORK = SHAME IN OUR CULTURE. In addition to the book, I read the transcript of Brené Brown’s 10/6/21 podcast interview with the authors. And Brené asks them this wonderful, difficult, insightful question around why our culture has trained us to feel shame if a relationship takes work or is not easy. Ann answers with a couple elements: (1) that friendship is treated as secondary, and (2) that you’re not really a functioning adult if you’re not independent (which I lump under Rugged Individualism). She added that a therapist they talked to declared that people who are thriving, resilient adults are interdependent -- and I love that. Aminatou added that (3) we are bad at both defining relationships and talking about relationships. They also hit on the fact that there is not much out there in terms of studies, books, and media about working on friendships. Then they talked about the shame-triggering thought “if I have to work at it, maybe there’s something wrong with me.” And with the shame comes secrecy -- people don’t talk about their friendship challenges, even though Big Friendships can be more impactful and fulfilling than romantic relationships. I hope this shame element goes TF away.
FRIENDS LIKE OPRAH & GAYLE. At one point in the book, they asked readers to think of a model of great friendship... and discussed Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King. They mentioned that this pair was not exactly one to aspire to since most of what’s known of it is all the good stuff. They mention a road trip they took that got bumpy, but on the whole, we don’t know how the famous friends navigate their challenges. Someone get this message to Oprah, stat!
THE VOLUNTARY NATURE OF FRIENDSHIP CARRIES RISK FOR FRIENDSHIPS IN TROUBLE. In the book and interview, they also discuss the nature of friendship being voluntary -- that there is no blood ties, marriage contract, etc. And the paradox in bringing-up hard issues because a friend could just walk away if you pissed them off, but talking through difficult issues is the only way to repair the relationship. There is an added layer if one or both are women, because there is this fear around being perceived as difficult or high-maintenance.
FRIENDS@WORK: SHINE THEORY. In the book, they also talk about coining (and defending) the term Shine Theory (“I don’t shine if you don’t shine”), which is a well-known road map for how women –in particular– can defend and support each other against the ways the patriarchy works to make women’s ideas and contributions invisible. The concept has been so successful that they had to trademark it and keep it from being used by grasping, anti-woman businesses and sites.
FRIENDS & RACISM: THE TRAP DOOR. While I am intentionally avoiding books on race or with heavy racial themes in 2022, I didn't know this one had them because GR peeps didn’t shelve it that way. But, the authors are of two different races so it was unavoidable. It was mostly one chapter. I had never heard about the Trap Door before, so I will share the info here... The writer Wesley Morris calls this experience the trapdoor of racism. “For people of color, some aspect of friendship with white people involves an awareness that you could be dropped through a trapdoor of racism at any moment, by a slip of the tongue, or at a campus party, or in a legislative campaign,” he wrote in 2015. “But it’s not always anticipated.” The trapdoor describes the limited level of comfort that Black people can feel around white people who are part of their lives in a meaningful way. Even if these white people decide they will confront racism every day, it’s guaranteed they will sometimes screw up and disappoint the Black people they know.
FRIENDS AS MIRRORS. The book also discussed Greek philosophical views on friendship -- Aristotle in particular. I hadn’t heard this idea before, and I like it. I tried to look-up Aristotle’s quote and ever since reading Dr. Mardy’s work on quotations (how the internet gets them wrong all the time), I am doubtful about the accuracy of my findings. Anyhoo, this is supposedly Aristotle: “Friends hold a mirror up to each other; through that mirror they can see each other in ways that would not otherwise be accessible to them, and it is this mirroring that helps them improve themselves as persons.”
FRIENDS AS A BURNER: A 4th-HAND METAPHOR. Ann and Aminatou shared a metaphor they got from one of my favorite funny people, David Sedaris. David got it from an Australian woman Pat, who got it in a management seminar. I will share David’s version, which he published in a New Yorker essay called “Laugh, Kookaburra” on 8/17/2009: “One burner represents your family, one is your friends, the third is your health, and the fourth is your work.” The gist, she said, was that in order to be successful you have to cut off one of your burners. And in order to be really successful you have to cut off two.” When life gets busy, we often cut off the friend burner. Oversimplified? Likely. Ann and Aminatou criticized it like so: “...it only takes into account your energy output, not what you receive in return from each of these important areas of life. Although the metaphor makes it seem very clear, our lives are not as easily separated into pots that can be placed on separate burners. Extinguishing friendship has consequences for every other aspect of life.”
BIG FRIENDSHIP, DEFINED. The authors define Big Friendship as “...a bond of great strength, force and significance that transcends life phases, geography and emotional shifts. It is large in dimension affecting most aspects of each person’s life. It is full of meaning and resonance. A big friendship is reciprocal, with those parties feeling worthy of each other and willing to give of themselves in generous ways. A big friendship is active, hearty, and almost always a big friendship is mature. Its advanced age commands respect and predicts its ability to last far into the future.” And friendship is the least examined, most important relationship. And Big Friendships take WORK; it’s best to be intentional.
FRIENDSHIPS REQUIRING WORK = SHAME IN OUR CULTURE. In addition to the book, I read the transcript of Brené Brown’s 10/6/21 podcast interview with the authors. And Brené asks them this wonderful, difficult, insightful question around why our culture has trained us to feel shame if a relationship takes work or is not easy. Ann answers with a couple elements: (1) that friendship is treated as secondary, and (2) that you’re not really a functioning adult if you’re not independent (which I lump under Rugged Individualism). She added that a therapist they talked to declared that people who are thriving, resilient adults are interdependent -- and I love that. Aminatou added that (3) we are bad at both defining relationships and talking about relationships. They also hit on the fact that there is not much out there in terms of studies, books, and media about working on friendships. Then they talked about the shame-triggering thought “if I have to work at it, maybe there’s something wrong with me.” And with the shame comes secrecy -- people don’t talk about their friendship challenges, even though Big Friendships can be more impactful and fulfilling than romantic relationships. I hope this shame element goes TF away.
FRIENDS LIKE OPRAH & GAYLE. At one point in the book, they asked readers to think of a model of great friendship... and discussed Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King. They mentioned that this pair was not exactly one to aspire to since most of what’s known of it is all the good stuff. They mention a road trip they took that got bumpy, but on the whole, we don’t know how the famous friends navigate their challenges. Someone get this message to Oprah, stat!
THE VOLUNTARY NATURE OF FRIENDSHIP CARRIES RISK FOR FRIENDSHIPS IN TROUBLE. In the book and interview, they also discuss the nature of friendship being voluntary -- that there is no blood ties, marriage contract, etc. And the paradox in bringing-up hard issues because a friend could just walk away if you pissed them off, but talking through difficult issues is the only way to repair the relationship. There is an added layer if one or both are women, because there is this fear around being perceived as difficult or high-maintenance.
FRIENDS@WORK: SHINE THEORY. In the book, they also talk about coining (and defending) the term Shine Theory (“I don’t shine if you don’t shine”), which is a well-known road map for how women –in particular– can defend and support each other against the ways the patriarchy works to make women’s ideas and contributions invisible. The concept has been so successful that they had to trademark it and keep it from being used by grasping, anti-woman businesses and sites.
FRIENDS & RACISM: THE TRAP DOOR. While I am intentionally avoiding books on race or with heavy racial themes in 2022, I didn't know this one had them because GR peeps didn’t shelve it that way. But, the authors are of two different races so it was unavoidable. It was mostly one chapter. I had never heard about the Trap Door before, so I will share the info here... The writer Wesley Morris calls this experience the trapdoor of racism. “For people of color, some aspect of friendship with white people involves an awareness that you could be dropped through a trapdoor of racism at any moment, by a slip of the tongue, or at a campus party, or in a legislative campaign,” he wrote in 2015. “But it’s not always anticipated.” The trapdoor describes the limited level of comfort that Black people can feel around white people who are part of their lives in a meaningful way. Even if these white people decide they will confront racism every day, it’s guaranteed they will sometimes screw up and disappoint the Black people they know.
FRIENDS AS MIRRORS. The book also discussed Greek philosophical views on friendship -- Aristotle in particular. I hadn’t heard this idea before, and I like it. I tried to look-up Aristotle’s quote and ever since reading Dr. Mardy’s work on quotations (how the internet gets them wrong all the time), I am doubtful about the accuracy of my findings. Anyhoo, this is supposedly Aristotle: “Friends hold a mirror up to each other; through that mirror they can see each other in ways that would not otherwise be accessible to them, and it is this mirroring that helps them improve themselves as persons.”
FRIENDS AS A BURNER: A 4th-HAND METAPHOR. Ann and Aminatou shared a metaphor they got from one of my favorite funny people, David Sedaris. David got it from an Australian woman Pat, who got it in a management seminar. I will share David’s version, which he published in a New Yorker essay called “Laugh, Kookaburra” on 8/17/2009: “One burner represents your family, one is your friends, the third is your health, and the fourth is your work.” The gist, she said, was that in order to be successful you have to cut off one of your burners. And in order to be really successful you have to cut off two.” When life gets busy, we often cut off the friend burner. Oversimplified? Likely. Ann and Aminatou criticized it like so: “...it only takes into account your energy output, not what you receive in return from each of these important areas of life. Although the metaphor makes it seem very clear, our lives are not as easily separated into pots that can be placed on separate burners. Extinguishing friendship has consequences for every other aspect of life.”
akswhy's review against another edition
emotional
reflective
medium-paced
2.0
A largely self-indulgent book on the part of the authors, who tell us in no uncertain terms that they have largely been putting on a front for their wildly popular “we’re best friends!!!” podcast? Every once in a while they throw in a quote from a sociologist or researcher, but I wish that was a larger focus of the book. Instead, they rehash their relationship in hopes that it will be relatable to their audience. It’s not.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Cancer and Chronic illness