Reviews

"I can't lose the thing I've held on for so long, you know? I just really need it to be a love story. You know? I really, really need it to be that. Because if it isn't a love story, then what is it? It's my life. This has been my whole life."

Vanessa was fifteen years old when she was in a "relationship" with her old English teacher, Jacob Strane. The age gap is enormous. Not forgetting that one of them is a teacher and the other is a student, which makes it highly inappropriate on so many levels.

This has been a heavy and difficult read for me. Often I found myself wanting to vomit, but I was determined to finish. I hope not to sound insensitive while attempting to relay my thoughts. Also, please beware of spoilers. I may end up spoiling the whole book.

Let's take another look at the quote I attached at the beginning of this review. I stumbled upon it a while back, way before I picked up this book. To be completely honest, it made me skeptical. I was hesitating, thinking there's no way I would read something that romanticizes such immoral things as pedophilia and child grooming. But then my favorite booktuber, A Clockwork Reader, talking about it so yes, I gave it a chance.

The story alternates between then and now. It began with Vanessa going through a falling-out with her roommate, her only friend, Jenny. It resonated with me—how Vanessa was said to be overly attached to Jenny and things were changing because Jenny got herself a boyfriend. I found myself in a similar situation and it was upsetting.

Vanessa was in a vulnerable state when she started taking Strane's classes, and it became an opening for him to single her out. It went smooth, just as he hoped, for Vanessa was already distant from her parents to begin with—never really discussed anything in depth.

Strane once said to Vanessa, "I'll bet for as long as you can remember, you were called mature for your age. Weren't you?"

I come to a realization that when one being told mature for one's age, especially when one is so young, makes one happy. It causes one to think one is capable of many things, things many at one's age could only dream to achieve. Only later, when it was too late, that it became clear how easy for someone else to take advantage of one for one's "maturity."

Strane's manipulative trait is so good, meaning he could convince Vanessa anything by feeding her so many lies and so little truths, throwing compliments here and there to keep hold of her. Vanessa was already discarded once (by Jenny). She was told that she tended to exaggerate that she learnt to swallow up her feelings. She had to accept things as they were because she didn't want to be thrown away by the man who wanted her first.

I understand Vanessa's persistence because he was good to her at first, so gentle, so understanding. No one was ever that patient to put up with her, because even Jenny eventually left, because she had no one at school before Strane approached her and made her see herself differently. The trust was built slowly, until Vanessa was found having a hard time turning him down, in fear of abandonment, in fear of his disappointment. When she did though, voicing out her disapproval, he ignored her. (and that's so disturbing I feel nauseous)

What happened next was outrageous, Strane managed to save himself by throwing Vanessa under the bus. Imagine depending on a child to save your pitiful ass. He was saying along the lines of "you were so brave" "you wanted to take the fall, remember?" and I was so, so dumbstruck. Who was the adult here? Why did a grown-up man let a child (supposedly whom he loved) to take responsibility of something she didn't ask for, and be made fun of in front of her school friends? He even made her promise not to tell on him by making it as if her whole life would get ruined when it was him merely worrying about himself. He was the one ruining her life.

Yet he had the audacity to advise her to "get a life," pretending to care about her well-being when he just wanted to get away from his crime. And of course, of course he lost interest in Vanessa as she grew older. Because he is a gross pedophile who could only find pleasure in young girls. The following years Vanessa kept coming back to him, continuously asking him to relive their early love story. What I understand here is Vanessa got stuck at that time, when everything went downhill. But she couldn't tell herself that it was the breaking point—admitting made it real. And for so long, she stayed in a bubble where she assured herself that she was loved, she was cherished. No harm was done. She asked for it, she was willing. Strane kept saying it over and over that it was all she believed in. Though she was never in control, she was only a child.

She was in so much denial because that was the only way she could live, because it was easier to accept the lies as she defined her whole life based solely on that relationship (I think, that's why she was drawn to Henry, the familarity made her do so). It makes me see the quote I put in the beginning of this review differently. It also reminds me of a poem I came across by Fortesa Latifi,

"you never thought your body could be anything except bruised. your locked door. your haunted house. the unlearning is taking so long."

This was truly heartbreaking. I was feeling sick to my stomach throughout the entire book, but I have to point out that the writer's writing is so beautiful. I will have a hard time getting this out of my mind.

fictionalkate's review

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4.0

This is one of the hardest books I’ve ever reviewed because I have such strong feelings and I don’t want to articulate them wrongly. It’s a deeply uncomfortable book to read. It covers issues like consent, grooming, victim-shaming, teenage sexuality and love. Told from Vanessa’s perspective we as readers get to see her relationship with a teacher three times her age when she was just fifteen and how that has impacted on her current self as a thirty two year old woman. I enjoyed this book – but it also constantly made me feel uneasy – because of how relevant and relatable it is. I could completely understand how Vanessa felt and it broke my heart reading her story. The author has done an incredible job at delivering a story that makes the reader feel so much for Vanessa. It is disturbing. And brings up the topic of age and consent (as well as a myriad of other issues) in beautifully written and horrifying way. I wouldn’t recommend for anyone triggered by rape or sexual abuse but this is an interesting book which examines sex and consent in a pre- and post #metoo society.