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serinde4books's review against another edition
5.0
This was an amazing book! It made me rethink so many things. This is one of the first books that has said that I am not a co-dependent or in some way enabled the abuse to happen. In the introduction it said “Counseling men is difficult work. They are usually very reluctant to face up to the damage that they have been causing women, and often children as well, and hold tightly to their excuses and victim blaming.” I have felt that way often about my ex-husband, that it didn’t seem anything was helping him and he wasn’t taking any responsibility for HIS actions, but so many books put partial blame on me, that I enabled this behavior somehow. Near the end of the book where Bancroft is talking about abusive men changing he said “there are no shortcuts to change, no magical overnight transformations, no easy way outs. Change is difficult, uncomfortable work.” “The men who make significant progress in my program are the ones who know that their partners will definitely leave them unless they change, and the ones on probation who have a tough probation officer who that really demands they really confront their abusiveness.” I hope and pray my ex’s probation officer is tough, for my children’s sake because I have left and that wasn’t motivation enough. There were so many points made in this book that hit home with me, points that confirmed ways I already felt, and points that put words to things I had been unable to describe. I absolutely recommend this book to anyone that has been in an abusive relationship.
For more reviews see my blog: https://adventuresofabibliophile.blogspot.com
For more reviews see my blog: https://adventuresofabibliophile.blogspot.com
ultramarine316's review against another edition
5.0
I picked this up because I wanted to have a book on the topic I could feel confident giving to library patrons and this one came highly recommended. It is a fantastically useful book and, honestly, the section on cultural attitudes that contribute to some men feeling they have the right to abuse women they’re in relationships with is so spot on that I wish it were required reading in every sex ed curriculum.
One caveat: as I might have guessed from the title, this book does not address female on male partner abuse. (If anyone can recommend a book that does, I would appreciate it.)
One caveat: as I might have guessed from the title, this book does not address female on male partner abuse. (If anyone can recommend a book that does, I would appreciate it.)
quana's review against another edition
5.0
If you are currently in an abusive relationship and don't have children, I beg of you to please don't have children with your abuser. We have to keep children safe. And if you do have children, please pick up this book to read through the resources available to you.
Save this number in your phone as something discreet if your abuser has access to your phone.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE: 1-800-799-7233
It's confidential and you can call anytime to just vent about what's going on and/or ask for guidance. It's completely anonymous.
As someone who works as a sexual assault and IPV advocate in the emergency room, I am also available if you need help; no matter where you are.
☆☆☆☆☆ (5 stars)
"Abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics. It is a deliberate choice made by the abuser."
Every woman should read Lundy Bancroft’s illuminating and empowering work, an essential guide for understanding the complex dynamics of abusive relationships. Bancroft, with over two decades of experience working directly with abusive men, offers an insightful and thorough examination of what drives men to control and mistreat their partners. This book is not just an eye-opener but a life-changer, equipping women with the knowledge to recognize, understand, and ultimately break free from abusive situations.
One of the most compelling aspects of Bancroft's book is his detailed exploration of the warning signs of abusive behavior. He meticulously breaks down the various tactics abusers use, such as emotional manipulation, jealousy, and isolation. Through real-life examples and case studies, Bancroft illustrates how these behaviors manifest in everyday life. For instance, he describes a scenario where a man constantly criticizes his partner's appearance and decisions, subtly eroding her self-esteem and independence. These examples resonate deeply, providing readers with a concrete understanding of the insidious nature of abuse.
Moreover, Bancroft doesn’t shy away from addressing the cultural aspects that perpetuate abusive behaviors. He discusses how societal norms and values often excuse or even condone men’s controlling behaviors, reinforcing a cycle of abuse. This cultural critique is crucial, as it situates individual abusive actions within a broader social context, highlighting the need for collective change.
One of the most actionable sections of the book is Bancroft's advice on how to end the culture of abuse. He emphasizes the importance of starting at the grassroots level—within families and communities. Bancroft advocates for friends and family members of abusive men to hold them accountable, making it clear that their behavior is unacceptable. This social accountability is vital for creating an environment where abusers cannot hide behind excuses or societal tolerance.
Additionally, Bancroft challenges the common misconception that therapy alone can reform an abuser. He argues persuasively that traditional therapy often fails because it doesn’t address the underlying need for power and control that drives abusive behavior. Instead, he recommends abuser programs specifically designed to confront and dismantle these harmful patterns. These programs focus on holding abusers accountable for their actions and promoting genuine change, rather than allowing them to manipulate therapeutic environments to their advantage.
Bancroft’s expertise and compassionate voice make him an exceptional narrator. His empathetic yet firm approach ensures that the reader feels both supported and challenged. He speaks directly to women, urging them to trust their instincts and prioritize their safety and well-being. His writing is clear, accessible, and profoundly moving, making complex psychological concepts easy to grasp.
This book is not just a guide; it’s a lifeline. Bancroft’s powerful insights and practical advice can help women recognize the signs of abuse early, understand the deep-seated motivations of abusers, and find the strength to seek help. I recommend this book to every woman and beg them to read it. It’s a crucial resource that can save lives and foster healthier, more respectful relationships.
"Your safety and well-being are more important than any relationship." This motivating reminder from Bancroft encapsulates the book’s empowering message. It’s a call to action for women to value themselves and take the necessary steps to protect their dignity and freedom.
Save this number in your phone as something discreet if your abuser has access to your phone.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE: 1-800-799-7233
It's confidential and you can call anytime to just vent about what's going on and/or ask for guidance. It's completely anonymous.
As someone who works as a sexual assault and IPV advocate in the emergency room, I am also available if you need help; no matter where you are.
☆☆☆☆☆ (5 stars)
"Abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics. It is a deliberate choice made by the abuser."
Every woman should read Lundy Bancroft’s illuminating and empowering work, an essential guide for understanding the complex dynamics of abusive relationships. Bancroft, with over two decades of experience working directly with abusive men, offers an insightful and thorough examination of what drives men to control and mistreat their partners. This book is not just an eye-opener but a life-changer, equipping women with the knowledge to recognize, understand, and ultimately break free from abusive situations.
One of the most compelling aspects of Bancroft's book is his detailed exploration of the warning signs of abusive behavior. He meticulously breaks down the various tactics abusers use, such as emotional manipulation, jealousy, and isolation. Through real-life examples and case studies, Bancroft illustrates how these behaviors manifest in everyday life. For instance, he describes a scenario where a man constantly criticizes his partner's appearance and decisions, subtly eroding her self-esteem and independence. These examples resonate deeply, providing readers with a concrete understanding of the insidious nature of abuse.
Moreover, Bancroft doesn’t shy away from addressing the cultural aspects that perpetuate abusive behaviors. He discusses how societal norms and values often excuse or even condone men’s controlling behaviors, reinforcing a cycle of abuse. This cultural critique is crucial, as it situates individual abusive actions within a broader social context, highlighting the need for collective change.
One of the most actionable sections of the book is Bancroft's advice on how to end the culture of abuse. He emphasizes the importance of starting at the grassroots level—within families and communities. Bancroft advocates for friends and family members of abusive men to hold them accountable, making it clear that their behavior is unacceptable. This social accountability is vital for creating an environment where abusers cannot hide behind excuses or societal tolerance.
Additionally, Bancroft challenges the common misconception that therapy alone can reform an abuser. He argues persuasively that traditional therapy often fails because it doesn’t address the underlying need for power and control that drives abusive behavior. Instead, he recommends abuser programs specifically designed to confront and dismantle these harmful patterns. These programs focus on holding abusers accountable for their actions and promoting genuine change, rather than allowing them to manipulate therapeutic environments to their advantage.
Bancroft’s expertise and compassionate voice make him an exceptional narrator. His empathetic yet firm approach ensures that the reader feels both supported and challenged. He speaks directly to women, urging them to trust their instincts and prioritize their safety and well-being. His writing is clear, accessible, and profoundly moving, making complex psychological concepts easy to grasp.
This book is not just a guide; it’s a lifeline. Bancroft’s powerful insights and practical advice can help women recognize the signs of abuse early, understand the deep-seated motivations of abusers, and find the strength to seek help. I recommend this book to every woman and beg them to read it. It’s a crucial resource that can save lives and foster healthier, more respectful relationships.
"Your safety and well-being are more important than any relationship." This motivating reminder from Bancroft encapsulates the book’s empowering message. It’s a call to action for women to value themselves and take the necessary steps to protect their dignity and freedom.
alaag's review against another edition
5.0
Honestly. I want to give this book to everyone I know. It is so, so, so important in the way it lays out abuse, it's effects, the types of abuse, ways to deal with it whether you are the one being abused or someone you know is abused and the origins of abuse.
Bancroft is so so so comforting and validating in this book. Always placing the blame where it rightly belongs and doesn't give any excuse to abusive behavior.
It's the first book I read on any sort of violence and I am so glad I did because it really did open my eyes.
Edit: Although Bancroft uses the pronoun 'he', he states that this is just for convenience issues as most cases of abuse are within straight relationships with the male being abusive and the woman the victim. Abuse can occur within non-straight couples and the perpetrator can be of any gender.
Bancroft is so so so comforting and validating in this book. Always placing the blame where it rightly belongs and doesn't give any excuse to abusive behavior.
It's the first book I read on any sort of violence and I am so glad I did because it really did open my eyes.
Edit: Although Bancroft uses the pronoun 'he', he states that this is just for convenience issues as most cases of abuse are within straight relationships with the male being abusive and the woman the victim. Abuse can occur within non-straight couples and the perpetrator can be of any gender.
whybeereads's review against another edition
5.0
A very important read. Even if you're not in an abusive relationship I can guarantee you know someone who is, or was, in one. This gives a very important insight into the minds and methods of abusers, the awareness of which can only be a good thing.
isaacrubberducky's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
reflective
fast-paced
5.0