Scan barcode
nahlaaly56's review against another edition
hopeful
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
5.0
Great book, some of the advice is kind of new to me and different from other books I've read but feel more realistic and applicable to my life. A different version of this book was recommended to me by a friend and I can't thank her enough. I will also be reading the generic non-age-specific one soon. That's how much I liked it.
jaggedrocks's review
2.0
I had a hard time with this. It seems to me as if the author has never had kids.
nmcspadd's review
4.0
I thought this was a good, albeit milquetoast-y, book. It was nice to read a resource specifically geared towards preschoolers, when the majority of parenting books are designed for parents of babies or kids/teenagers. And I found some of the suggestions pretty helpful. Overall, definitely helpful, but perhaps not overly memorable.
ruthdamon's review against another edition
5.0
I loved this book. I bought both this book and the original Positive Discipline book, and they've changed my daily experience and level of parenting frustration in under two weeks.
By teaching a system that you can apply to any situation, where you treat your children kindly but firmly, Jane Nelson armed me with confidence that left me always knowing what to do rather than wanting to run back and reference a parenting book for specific situations.
I'd recommend this to absolutely any parent or teacher of young children.
By teaching a system that you can apply to any situation, where you treat your children kindly but firmly, Jane Nelson armed me with confidence that left me always knowing what to do rather than wanting to run back and reference a parenting book for specific situations.
I'd recommend this to absolutely any parent or teacher of young children.
brookes_books's review against another edition
5.0
I love it when I find a parenting book that aligns with our family values. So many great suggestions for raising respectful and responsible kids without punishing them.
sakusha's review against another edition
4.0
A comprehensive and informative guide to preschoolers, that deals with more than just discipline. Repeats much of the same concepts in the last two discipline books I read, but it’s worded better. Unlike “No-Drama Discipline,” this book provided citations and didn’t talk down to me about the “upstairs and downstairs brain.” Like “Toddler Discipline For Every Age and Stage,” it talks about different temperaments, but it discusses each one in more detail. Unlike that other book, this one doesn’t claim a child lying is always innocent (42). It admits that there is not “one ‘right’ way to raise children” (28). It makes a point to mention that it doesn’t advocate spoiling or permissiveness, and sounds more believable when saying so.
Good advice worth trying:
Instead of commanding, ask them what they think. Example: “What do you need to do to get ready?” (21)
Create a written routine together. Let her decide on the order those tasks should be done in. The routine chart becomes the boss. “What’s next on the list?” Don’t offer stickers or rewards for completing tasks though. (21-22) I’ve done this one, and it works pretty well.
Offer the child limited choices, only choices you approve of beforehand though. “This or that? You decide.” (22)
Give warnings before time is up. “We need to leave in a minute. Do you want to swing or slide one more time?” (23)
For whining: “Something is wrong with my ears. When you whine, I can’t hear you at all!” (23)
If your child makes a mess, the child needs to help clean it up (31).
If the child broke something, she should do jobs to earn money to buy a replacement (31).
When one of your kid’s friends is a bad influence: set expectations with the kids and the other parent(s) that play will end if any rules are broken (118-119).
For sharing, you can set a timer for each kid or have the kids play with the toy together (124).
Older kids who hit each other should be firmly separated (126).
Role play with your child, and act out the child role, asking the real child what behavior you should do. Use puppets/toys to act out inappropriate behavior. (139)
191 When your child wants attention, compromise. For example, say you’ll read her one book but the child needs to agree to let the parent read her own book afterward.
Spend time in nature with your child (336-347).
Limit screen time (324-335). “Watching or engaging in fast-paced, overly stimulating screen content diminishes the ability to focus on the next task” (325). Maybe that’s why so many kids have ADHD!
Advice I’m skeptical about:
When your kid is a show off: take your child aside and say that he won’t be able to keep playing if he keeps showing off (120).
When your kids fight with each other, you can hug them or leave the room or put them both in a positive time out no matter who is to blame (121). You can pretend to be a reporter and ask what all the fighting is about and say to “tune in tomorrow to find out how these boys solved their problem” (125). Leaving the room may work when the kids fight to get your attention, but what if they are not fighting for that reason? They won’t care if you leave then. And acting like a reporter WILL give them attention.
When your preschooler is being bullied: ask the child why she thinks the bully does what he does and what she can do to help him (not be a bully) (115-116). Are these stories real examples or just hypothetical? In every real life story I’ve heard about bullying, the bully has lots of friends, and the bully only stops bullying after the victim physically strikes back.
When your child hits you, you can say how much it hurts, ask the child how they think it feels to be hit and what they could do differently to get what they want, leave the room, put yourself in a time out, ask if your kid wants to go cool off, give your child the choice to stop hitting or to go to their room, or discuss the problem at a family meeting later (127-128). Telling my kid how much it hurts doesn’t help. Leaving the room often gives the kid what they want unless they’re hitting you for attention.
In the example on p. 167, Aaron’s mom tells him it’s time to put away his crayons, and he throws them at her. Her response is to silently go to her room. After a few minutes, he snuggled with her, and she told him that it wasn’t okay to throw things. But if it was time to put away the crayons, then there must’ve been a reason for that like they had to go somewhere or do something else. Her leaving the room and waiting for him to come and find her takes time, so it’s unrealistic that this method can be used. He doesn’t suffer any consequence from his behavior, so there’s no motivation to not throw things in the future. He got to color longer if he wanted since she left the room.
Ask the child for help in order to gain compliance. “Can you help me bring my keys to the car?” (22)
When your child refuses to cooperate, rather than arguing or yelling, simply physically remove the child without any words or anger (33).
Sometimes ignoring bad behavior can get it to stop (33).
I can see these things working with preschoolers, but what about when the child grows to be a teenager? Then she is too big for you to pick up and move. Ignoring bad behavior works with little kids because their goal is often getting attention. But teenagers do bad things for peer approval, and you ignoring the problem will be fine by them.
If there is no punishment for the child to fear, then what motivation does the teenager have to cooperate? Older kids are not often spanked, but the memory of it can still make an older kid cooperate, just as a formerly hit animal is conditioned to obey even after you remove the hitting, because the animal was trained to expect pain associated with disobedience.
If kids are taught from a young age that the parent is not the superior, but an equal, then the kid will not obey the parent when older and big enough to not be intimidated by size.
Teaching fear and learned helplessness will make the child obey the parent when old and big enough to go up against the parent. If the parent teaches the young child to feel empowered and in charge, then it’s going to create an empowered and in charge teenager. And that is a recipe for disaster.
The authors say puppies wrestling, nipping, and fighting is normal, and human children fighting is also normal (124). But it’s also normal for parent animals to swat at their young to discipline them, so why shouldn’t humans do the same? Does it harm the young animals when their parents swat at them? No.
“Learning to go to sleep on her own will not create lifelong trauma for your child; it is usually more traumatic for parents than for children. Your attitude is the key. If you feel confident that you are doing the right thing, your child will feel the energy of your confidence. On the other hand, if you feel guilty, angry, or ambivalent, that energy will be communicated and will invite manipulation, helplessness, or power struggles” (239). The same could be said of the punishing kinds of discipline.
The authors say this is a reason why kids don’t listen: “The child is overwhelmed by strong feelings, which drown out your words” (138). So if a kid won’t listen to your commands because of that, why would they listen to your words when you try to empathize with them, give them choices, or tell them that hitting is not okay and that it hurts you?
Bad advice:
Suggests using “and” in place of “but” (3). Example: “I know you want your way and you can’t have your way.” This just seems like a bad use of a word that would confuse the child or seem like manipulation. The meaning behind the phrases is still “but,” even if “and” is used in place of it.
“One does not win the friendship and regard of a child by humiliating him or giving in to his whims.” - Rudolf Dreikurs (3)
But a parent is not supposed to be her child’s friend. And kids would argue that the best friends DO give in to their whims. What kid likes a kid who tells them “no”? “Want to play dolls?” “No.” “Ok, I’m not playing with you then.”
This book still includes the validating of feelings (32). This seems to serve no purpose except putting a label on the child’s feeling in case they don’t already know it. The common sense response from a child who hears “You’re angry, I understand” is “Yeah, so give me what I want! If you don’t, then you don’t understand!” Even adults don’t appreciate it when people tell them “I understand you’re upset;” often adults will say or think bitterly, “No, you don’t understand at all.”
The book gives an example of “good parenting” by showing a mother validating her daughter’s disappointment after her daughter threw a toy, and then letting her daughter choose which book they read (82). So what motivation is there for the child to not throw toys again when there is no consequence?
Like other discipline books, this one thinks empathy can be taught. “Self-awareness is the foundation of empathy” (82). I disagree. There are plenty of bleeding hearts out there who don’t know themselves at all. “Children must learn to identify and accept their own feelings before they can empathize with and accept the feelings of others” (83). I disagree. There are plenty of angry, hateful people in the world who are fully aware that they feel anger and hate, but that doesn’t mean they are empathetic.
“Empathy and compassion are not likely to happen unless adults value and make time for this growth” (92). If this were true, then no one would be empathetic or compassionate decades ago when practically nobody made a point to teach their kids empathy. I was never taught empathy as a kid as far as I know, but I’m very empathetic. I think empathy is an innate thing. Whether you cry watching a sad movie or reading a sad book is involuntary. Empathy and compassion are emotions, which are mostly out of one’s control. You can’t force a feeling you don’t really feel. You can only force your actions.
143-144 For a kid who won’t get dressed, they say to let the kid go to school in pajamas and carry a sack of the clothes to school. The kid can’t go out to recess until he is dressed. So what’s to stop the kid from waiting until recess everyday before putting his clothes on?
They say not to make your kids feel guilty, but remorse is good (147). The dictionary defines guilt as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.” So they sound like synonyms to me!
174-175 When your child connects his chicken pox with permanent marker, just join in the fun instead of telling him it’s wrong. Something is only misbehavior when the child does it because s/he is feeling discouraged or wants to belong (175).
Conclusion: The book has good tips for things to try to trick your child into complying, but it doesn’t offer much good advice for what to do when the tricks fail or the child still misbehaves. As long as there is no consequence for repeated bad behavior, the child will learn that there is no reason to obey.
Good advice worth trying:
Instead of commanding, ask them what they think. Example: “What do you need to do to get ready?” (21)
Create a written routine together. Let her decide on the order those tasks should be done in. The routine chart becomes the boss. “What’s next on the list?” Don’t offer stickers or rewards for completing tasks though. (21-22) I’ve done this one, and it works pretty well.
Offer the child limited choices, only choices you approve of beforehand though. “This or that? You decide.” (22)
Give warnings before time is up. “We need to leave in a minute. Do you want to swing or slide one more time?” (23)
For whining: “Something is wrong with my ears. When you whine, I can’t hear you at all!” (23)
If your child makes a mess, the child needs to help clean it up (31).
If the child broke something, she should do jobs to earn money to buy a replacement (31).
When one of your kid’s friends is a bad influence: set expectations with the kids and the other parent(s) that play will end if any rules are broken (118-119).
For sharing, you can set a timer for each kid or have the kids play with the toy together (124).
Older kids who hit each other should be firmly separated (126).
Role play with your child, and act out the child role, asking the real child what behavior you should do. Use puppets/toys to act out inappropriate behavior. (139)
191 When your child wants attention, compromise. For example, say you’ll read her one book but the child needs to agree to let the parent read her own book afterward.
Spend time in nature with your child (336-347).
Limit screen time (324-335). “Watching or engaging in fast-paced, overly stimulating screen content diminishes the ability to focus on the next task” (325). Maybe that’s why so many kids have ADHD!
Advice I’m skeptical about:
When your kid is a show off: take your child aside and say that he won’t be able to keep playing if he keeps showing off (120).
When your kids fight with each other, you can hug them or leave the room or put them both in a positive time out no matter who is to blame (121). You can pretend to be a reporter and ask what all the fighting is about and say to “tune in tomorrow to find out how these boys solved their problem” (125). Leaving the room may work when the kids fight to get your attention, but what if they are not fighting for that reason? They won’t care if you leave then. And acting like a reporter WILL give them attention.
When your preschooler is being bullied: ask the child why she thinks the bully does what he does and what she can do to help him (not be a bully) (115-116). Are these stories real examples or just hypothetical? In every real life story I’ve heard about bullying, the bully has lots of friends, and the bully only stops bullying after the victim physically strikes back.
When your child hits you, you can say how much it hurts, ask the child how they think it feels to be hit and what they could do differently to get what they want, leave the room, put yourself in a time out, ask if your kid wants to go cool off, give your child the choice to stop hitting or to go to their room, or discuss the problem at a family meeting later (127-128). Telling my kid how much it hurts doesn’t help. Leaving the room often gives the kid what they want unless they’re hitting you for attention.
In the example on p. 167, Aaron’s mom tells him it’s time to put away his crayons, and he throws them at her. Her response is to silently go to her room. After a few minutes, he snuggled with her, and she told him that it wasn’t okay to throw things. But if it was time to put away the crayons, then there must’ve been a reason for that like they had to go somewhere or do something else. Her leaving the room and waiting for him to come and find her takes time, so it’s unrealistic that this method can be used. He doesn’t suffer any consequence from his behavior, so there’s no motivation to not throw things in the future. He got to color longer if he wanted since she left the room.
Ask the child for help in order to gain compliance. “Can you help me bring my keys to the car?” (22)
When your child refuses to cooperate, rather than arguing or yelling, simply physically remove the child without any words or anger (33).
Sometimes ignoring bad behavior can get it to stop (33).
I can see these things working with preschoolers, but what about when the child grows to be a teenager? Then she is too big for you to pick up and move. Ignoring bad behavior works with little kids because their goal is often getting attention. But teenagers do bad things for peer approval, and you ignoring the problem will be fine by them.
If there is no punishment for the child to fear, then what motivation does the teenager have to cooperate? Older kids are not often spanked, but the memory of it can still make an older kid cooperate, just as a formerly hit animal is conditioned to obey even after you remove the hitting, because the animal was trained to expect pain associated with disobedience.
If kids are taught from a young age that the parent is not the superior, but an equal, then the kid will not obey the parent when older and big enough to not be intimidated by size.
Teaching fear and learned helplessness will make the child obey the parent when old and big enough to go up against the parent. If the parent teaches the young child to feel empowered and in charge, then it’s going to create an empowered and in charge teenager. And that is a recipe for disaster.
The authors say puppies wrestling, nipping, and fighting is normal, and human children fighting is also normal (124). But it’s also normal for parent animals to swat at their young to discipline them, so why shouldn’t humans do the same? Does it harm the young animals when their parents swat at them? No.
“Learning to go to sleep on her own will not create lifelong trauma for your child; it is usually more traumatic for parents than for children. Your attitude is the key. If you feel confident that you are doing the right thing, your child will feel the energy of your confidence. On the other hand, if you feel guilty, angry, or ambivalent, that energy will be communicated and will invite manipulation, helplessness, or power struggles” (239). The same could be said of the punishing kinds of discipline.
The authors say this is a reason why kids don’t listen: “The child is overwhelmed by strong feelings, which drown out your words” (138). So if a kid won’t listen to your commands because of that, why would they listen to your words when you try to empathize with them, give them choices, or tell them that hitting is not okay and that it hurts you?
Bad advice:
Suggests using “and” in place of “but” (3). Example: “I know you want your way and you can’t have your way.” This just seems like a bad use of a word that would confuse the child or seem like manipulation. The meaning behind the phrases is still “but,” even if “and” is used in place of it.
“One does not win the friendship and regard of a child by humiliating him or giving in to his whims.” - Rudolf Dreikurs (3)
But a parent is not supposed to be her child’s friend. And kids would argue that the best friends DO give in to their whims. What kid likes a kid who tells them “no”? “Want to play dolls?” “No.” “Ok, I’m not playing with you then.”
This book still includes the validating of feelings (32). This seems to serve no purpose except putting a label on the child’s feeling in case they don’t already know it. The common sense response from a child who hears “You’re angry, I understand” is “Yeah, so give me what I want! If you don’t, then you don’t understand!” Even adults don’t appreciate it when people tell them “I understand you’re upset;” often adults will say or think bitterly, “No, you don’t understand at all.”
The book gives an example of “good parenting” by showing a mother validating her daughter’s disappointment after her daughter threw a toy, and then letting her daughter choose which book they read (82). So what motivation is there for the child to not throw toys again when there is no consequence?
Like other discipline books, this one thinks empathy can be taught. “Self-awareness is the foundation of empathy” (82). I disagree. There are plenty of bleeding hearts out there who don’t know themselves at all. “Children must learn to identify and accept their own feelings before they can empathize with and accept the feelings of others” (83). I disagree. There are plenty of angry, hateful people in the world who are fully aware that they feel anger and hate, but that doesn’t mean they are empathetic.
“Empathy and compassion are not likely to happen unless adults value and make time for this growth” (92). If this were true, then no one would be empathetic or compassionate decades ago when practically nobody made a point to teach their kids empathy. I was never taught empathy as a kid as far as I know, but I’m very empathetic. I think empathy is an innate thing. Whether you cry watching a sad movie or reading a sad book is involuntary. Empathy and compassion are emotions, which are mostly out of one’s control. You can’t force a feeling you don’t really feel. You can only force your actions.
143-144 For a kid who won’t get dressed, they say to let the kid go to school in pajamas and carry a sack of the clothes to school. The kid can’t go out to recess until he is dressed. So what’s to stop the kid from waiting until recess everyday before putting his clothes on?
They say not to make your kids feel guilty, but remorse is good (147). The dictionary defines guilt as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.” So they sound like synonyms to me!
174-175 When your child connects his chicken pox with permanent marker, just join in the fun instead of telling him it’s wrong. Something is only misbehavior when the child does it because s/he is feeling discouraged or wants to belong (175).
Conclusion: The book has good tips for things to try to trick your child into complying, but it doesn’t offer much good advice for what to do when the tricks fail or the child still misbehaves. As long as there is no consequence for repeated bad behavior, the child will learn that there is no reason to obey.
More...