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storyeatsmybrain's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
inspiring
reflective
relaxing
slow-paced
5.0
daeus's review against another edition
4.0
This book brought up all the issues of ambiguity I've found with the term 'self-esteem,' and built a better definition with a clear and easily digestible framework. It breaks down self-esteem into six components, fills in the gaps, and then brings in examples and broader context (which was the most iffy part IMO besides the sentence completions and excessive commas). I found the a LOT of the content very insightful and straight-forward. Highly recommended!
So many good quotes:
- "I am responsible for my personal happiness. One of the characteristics of immaturity is the belief that it is someone else’s job to make me happy—much as it was once my parents’ job to keep me alive. If only someone would love me, then I would love myself. If only someone would take care of me, then I would be contented. If only someone would spare me the necessity of making decisions, then I would be carefree. If only someone would make me happy. Here’s a simple but powerful stem to wake one up to reality: If I take full responsibility for my personal happiness—. Taking responsibility for my happiness is empowering. It places my life back in my own hands. Ahead of taking this responsibility, I may imagine it will be a burden. What I discover is that it sets me free."
- "More specifically, self-esteem is:
1. confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life; and
2. confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts."
- "Stated in the negative, self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself."
- "It is not that achievements 'prove' our worth but rather that the process of achieving is the means by which we develop our effectiveness, our competence at living. I cannot be efficacious in the abstract without being efficacious about anything in particular. So, productive work has the potential of being a powerful self-esteem-building activity."
- "It is easier for people to understand these ideas as applied to work than to personal relationships. That may be why more people make a success of their work life than of their marriages. Everyone knows it is not enough to say 'I love my work.' One must show up at the office and do something. Otherwise, the business moves towards non-existence."
- "One of the great self-deceptions is to tell oneself, 'only I will know.' Only I will know I am a liar; only I will know I deal unethically with people who trust me; only I will know I have no intention of honoring my promise. The implication is that my judgment is unimportant and that only the judgment of others counts."
- "The more one turns up the volume on one's inner signals, the more external signals tend to recede into proper balance."
- "To be sure, a problem remained that had to be dealt with, but now, since it was admitted into conscious awareness, it was capable of being dealt with."
- "The protection of self-esteem requires a clear understanding of the limits of personal responsibility. Where there is no power, there can be no responsibility, and where there is no responsibility, there can be no reasonable self-reproach. Regret, yes; guilt, no."
- "Another noteworthy aspect of the dynamics involved here is that the practice of these virtues over time tends to generate a felt need for them. If I habitually operate at a high level of consciousness, unclarity and fog in my awareness will make uncomfortable: I will usually experience a drive to dispel the darkness."
- "The more specifically targeted our praise, the more meaningful it is to the child. Praise that is generalized and abstract leaves the child wondering what exactly is being praised. It is not helpful."
- "Children need limits and feel anxious in their absence. This is one of the reasons they test limits-to be certain they are there. They need to know that someone is flying the plane."
- "To cease to know what we feel is to cease to experience what things mean to us."
- "But we may have repressed that child long ago, repressed his or her feelings, perceptions, needs, responses, out of the misguided notion that 'murder' was necessary to grow into adulthood. This recognition led to the conviction that no one could be completely whole who did not reconnect with and create a conscious and benevolent relationship with the child-self. This task is especially important for the attainment of autonomy. I saw that when the task is neglected, the tendency is to look for healing from the outside, from other people, and this never works: the healing that is needed is not between self and others but between adult-self and child-self."
- "When fear is absent, self-assertiveness is the natural condition of human beings. What people may have to learn is comfort with and respect for the self-assertiveness of others. This is clearly the imperative of cooperation. Cooperation is not a 'middle ground' between self-assertiveness and self-suppression, but the intelligent exercise of self-interest in a social context-which does have to be learned."
-"The error here is in equating any feeling of safety or comfort with self-esteem. Conformity is not self-efficacy; popularity is not self-respect. Whatever its gratifications, a sense of belonging is not equal to trust in my mind or confidence in my ability to master the challenges of life. The fact that others esteem me is no guarantee that I will esteem myself."
So many good quotes:
- "I am responsible for my personal happiness. One of the characteristics of immaturity is the belief that it is someone else’s job to make me happy—much as it was once my parents’ job to keep me alive. If only someone would love me, then I would love myself. If only someone would take care of me, then I would be contented. If only someone would spare me the necessity of making decisions, then I would be carefree. If only someone would make me happy. Here’s a simple but powerful stem to wake one up to reality: If I take full responsibility for my personal happiness—. Taking responsibility for my happiness is empowering. It places my life back in my own hands. Ahead of taking this responsibility, I may imagine it will be a burden. What I discover is that it sets me free."
- "More specifically, self-esteem is:
1. confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life; and
2. confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts."
- "Stated in the negative, self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself."
- "It is not that achievements 'prove' our worth but rather that the process of achieving is the means by which we develop our effectiveness, our competence at living. I cannot be efficacious in the abstract without being efficacious about anything in particular. So, productive work has the potential of being a powerful self-esteem-building activity."
- "It is easier for people to understand these ideas as applied to work than to personal relationships. That may be why more people make a success of their work life than of their marriages. Everyone knows it is not enough to say 'I love my work.' One must show up at the office and do something. Otherwise, the business moves towards non-existence."
- "One of the great self-deceptions is to tell oneself, 'only I will know.' Only I will know I am a liar; only I will know I deal unethically with people who trust me; only I will know I have no intention of honoring my promise. The implication is that my judgment is unimportant and that only the judgment of others counts."
- "The more one turns up the volume on one's inner signals, the more external signals tend to recede into proper balance."
- "To be sure, a problem remained that had to be dealt with, but now, since it was admitted into conscious awareness, it was capable of being dealt with."
- "The protection of self-esteem requires a clear understanding of the limits of personal responsibility. Where there is no power, there can be no responsibility, and where there is no responsibility, there can be no reasonable self-reproach. Regret, yes; guilt, no."
- "Another noteworthy aspect of the dynamics involved here is that the practice of these virtues over time tends to generate a felt need for them. If I habitually operate at a high level of consciousness, unclarity and fog in my awareness will make uncomfortable: I will usually experience a drive to dispel the darkness."
- "The more specifically targeted our praise, the more meaningful it is to the child. Praise that is generalized and abstract leaves the child wondering what exactly is being praised. It is not helpful."
- "Children need limits and feel anxious in their absence. This is one of the reasons they test limits-to be certain they are there. They need to know that someone is flying the plane."
- "To cease to know what we feel is to cease to experience what things mean to us."
- "But we may have repressed that child long ago, repressed his or her feelings, perceptions, needs, responses, out of the misguided notion that 'murder' was necessary to grow into adulthood. This recognition led to the conviction that no one could be completely whole who did not reconnect with and create a conscious and benevolent relationship with the child-self. This task is especially important for the attainment of autonomy. I saw that when the task is neglected, the tendency is to look for healing from the outside, from other people, and this never works: the healing that is needed is not between self and others but between adult-self and child-self."
- "When fear is absent, self-assertiveness is the natural condition of human beings. What people may have to learn is comfort with and respect for the self-assertiveness of others. This is clearly the imperative of cooperation. Cooperation is not a 'middle ground' between self-assertiveness and self-suppression, but the intelligent exercise of self-interest in a social context-which does have to be learned."
-"The error here is in equating any feeling of safety or comfort with self-esteem. Conformity is not self-efficacy; popularity is not self-respect. Whatever its gratifications, a sense of belonging is not equal to trust in my mind or confidence in my ability to master the challenges of life. The fact that others esteem me is no guarantee that I will esteem myself."