Reviews with content warning for Sexual assault - I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness

I’ve never read a book with such a messy, complex, unapologetic female narrator. I found the book so compelling on a craft and a narrative level. The narrator, Claire, is allowed to be this at times shitty, at times pathetic, at times poetic dirtbag the way men have been constantly portrayed. It reminded me of people I knew and loved during my first round of college, in the college town at the edge of the wilderness surrounded by mountains and the sea. The mountains were a character in the town the way the West/the Desert is a character in this book. I just felt such a shock of recognition, even though Claire spends much of this book being a complete nightmare.

The Desert is beautifully described: the mountains, the disappearing rivers, the opals and lapis, the sand and rock and plants. The history of it, layer upon layer, and all the different people who have lived there. The way the American West’s mythology has been defined by violence and the way Claire’s personal mythology of the west is also defined by violence: the Manson Family, nuclear tests, cancer, OxyContin, mining, abandonment.

On a craft level I was so impressed by the fearlessness: to let the main character be at times irredeemable; to be honest to a vision that the readers have to spend a lot of times detangling; to take the concept of auto fiction and twist it until there’s no point in playing the usual ‘did this really happen?’ game while understanding readers will try to play it anyway out of habit. What is fiction, what is real, does it matter? To talk about sex frankly and unapologetically without any of the hemming and hawing women often have to do while talking about sex.

Forgive me if I talk about this clumsily but I think many women are taught to be people pleasers, to constantly worry about being likable and palatable. I think there’s an element of shame there as well, a conditioning of shame, shame as a method of control; if you feel ashamed you will do what you have to in order to avoid such a feeling. But shame is taught, it’s not inherent. In this way I have seen how shame is linked into many lived experiences described by identities; shame as it relates to gender, to sexuality, to race, to disability. This book made me think about the bonds between shame and gender a lot because it felt shameless in a neutral way, which I delighted in: we are not asked to excuse or condone the narrator, and neither does the narrator excuse her actions or justify them. There is just explanation, intimate thought, a very deep third person pov, so deep that at times I was uncomfortable. A shamelessness and humor I do not often get to see in women! The narrator doesn’t care if you like her, even though she does want to be liked. The craft fear of ‘will my character be liked will they like my book’ does not appear! There was no people pleasing! It felt like the author was writing for herself and we are lucky to be along for the ride. What a beautiful thing.

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generalalarm's review

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adventurous challenging dark slow-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.75

This novel is auto-fiction, reading a lot like a memoir. It's a first-person narration of a depressed, self-destructive woman's flight from her husband and newborn daughter. The novel explores her family history through letters her mother wrote and a chapter on her father's time in the Manson family cult. The book contrasts the poverty, addiction, and tragedy with which she grew up, with her own discomfort and unhappiness in her privileged life. The prose is somehow both pared back and straight to the point while making gorgeous use of lush words and highly specific descriptions.

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seesarahread's review against another edition

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challenging dark emotional reflective sad slow-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Plot
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

3.75

Beautiful writing!

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breanamichele's review

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dark emotional reflective medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

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gm3116's review

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dark reflective slow-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

3.0

Great if you're in the mood to immerse yourself in a desert setting. It offers a possible answer to the question a parent may ask themselves "What if I made the completely selfish decision and abruptly left everything behind with absolutely no plan?"

The story is also accompanied by her parents' stories which come together to offer a look into a bygone time with bygone hopes and aspirations.

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