lucysmom828's review against another edition
5.0
As someone who works in the genetics field, this was such an eye-opening read. I've talked to patients who received surprising (and completely unexpected results) after doing genetic testing, but this book allowed me to explore this topic in more depth without being intrusive. It answers the questions I've never dared ask a patient.
Dani Shapiro learns through at-home genetic testing that her father is not her biological father. After this shocking discovery, she goes on a journey to find her biological father and determine what happened. She was able to find him thanks in part to events that all happened by chance (such as her mother mentioning that she was conceived in Philadelphia, and the conception was not great). It's shocking to think that one small change would have completely changed the outcome.
This is such an important topic in the field of genetics, especially when people decide to do testing on their own. What starts as a fun experiment can quickly turn into a life-changing discovery that makes you question your entire existence. There are major implications for all parties involved. It's not surprising that she was frustrated when she initially didn't get a response from her biological father, and it's not surprising that he was hesitant to respond to her inquiry. It's understandable that she wants answers, and it's also understandable that he never imagined that science would be able to uncover things we have since tried to forget.
Dani is honest about her journey, about her feelings, and about what she wanted, which some may find off-putting. I, however, find it necessary. Such major revelations will cause major emotions, and we cannot downplay the impact of learning that you are is not who you thought you were. this book highlights how our family helps to shape a large part of our identity, and how changes in that structure can make us question our existence and place in the world.
Dani Shapiro learns through at-home genetic testing that her father is not her biological father. After this shocking discovery, she goes on a journey to find her biological father and determine what happened. She was able to find him thanks in part to events that all happened by chance (such as her mother mentioning that she was conceived in Philadelphia, and the conception was not great). It's shocking to think that one small change would have completely changed the outcome.
This is such an important topic in the field of genetics, especially when people decide to do testing on their own. What starts as a fun experiment can quickly turn into a life-changing discovery that makes you question your entire existence. There are major implications for all parties involved. It's not surprising that she was frustrated when she initially didn't get a response from her biological father, and it's not surprising that he was hesitant to respond to her inquiry. It's understandable that she wants answers, and it's also understandable that he never imagined that science would be able to uncover things we have since tried to forget.
Dani is honest about her journey, about her feelings, and about what she wanted, which some may find off-putting. I, however, find it necessary. Such major revelations will cause major emotions, and we cannot downplay the impact of learning that you are is not who you thought you were. this book highlights how our family helps to shape a large part of our identity, and how changes in that structure can make us question our existence and place in the world.
novelesque_life's review against another edition
2.0
RATING: 2 STARS
(Review Not on Blog)
I am probably in the minority with this one, but I could not get into this memoir. I didn't feel any connection with Dani. I didn't relate, like or feel invested in the outcome of her story. I did finish it, but there was moments I missed of the audiobook, and I did not rewind it. I was really interested in this story when I heard her on a podcast, and the subject matter was really interesting. I had recently seen a 20/20 episode of someone doing a paternity test and found out the doctor had injected his own sperm instead of the chosen sperm donor. Now with DNA tests for genealogy being so readily available, it will be interesting (and heartbreaking in some cases) to see what is uncovered.
(Review Not on Blog)
I am probably in the minority with this one, but I could not get into this memoir. I didn't feel any connection with Dani. I didn't relate, like or feel invested in the outcome of her story. I did finish it, but there was moments I missed of the audiobook, and I did not rewind it. I was really interested in this story when I heard her on a podcast, and the subject matter was really interesting. I had recently seen a 20/20 episode of someone doing a paternity test and found out the doctor had injected his own sperm instead of the chosen sperm donor. Now with DNA tests for genealogy being so readily available, it will be interesting (and heartbreaking in some cases) to see what is uncovered.
valouis13's review against another edition
5.0
One of the best memoirs I have read. She is an incredible writer that tells her story in the most engaging way. Usually memoirs tell a fascinating story but the writing isn’t the best. This is both excellent writing & an incredible story. I also really liked her discussion of paternity ethics & struggles with fertility. Highly recommend!
hgranger's review against another edition
2.0
I struggled with the rating on this book for several reasons: first of all, I do love Shapiro's writing style. It's clever without being pretentious and she comes across as an interesting and smart woman. Second, she is dealing with emotions for which I have no frame of reference, having never experienced anything like what she went through. Because I don't know what it would be like, I feel like I'm judging her unfairly by not liking the book more. I did appreciate the insights into the journey she went through and the glimpse into what her reality was like when she found out.
With that said, there were several things that really bothered me about the book.
1. The descriptions of her mom. I haven't read any of her other books, so I only have limited insight into her mother's personality and perhaps everything she describes is entirely accurate. Even so, I feel like she doesn't give her mom a fair shake. They obviously had a strained relationship, but it's as if her mom can't do anything right. If she isn't there, then she is neglectful. When she tells people how proud she is of Dani and how lucky she feels to have her, it means she's possessive. The letter to the camp, while wildly overbearing and probably embarrassing to the kid, seemed like a mother who cared and was worried about sending her only child away to camp, not a mother who only cares about herself. The story about how her mom screamed at Dani during a fight when she was a teenager, that she gave birth to her could be a sign of how narcissistic she was--or it could be a frustrated mom at her wits end dealing with a smart, know-it-all teenager and losing her cool.
2. What seems like her lack of understand why her parents didn't tell her. It was a different time, which she does touch on, but it also seems like a difficult thing to bring up. Her father loved her deeply, and perhaps they didn't bring it up because for all intents and purposes, he WAS her dad. Which leads me to how it bugged me that biology came across as the absolute most important factor in a familial relationship. Yes, surely it's disturbing and disconcerting now knowing where you came from, especially when it comes as such a shock in your fifties. But LOVE makes a family too, and her "social" dad was there for her, raised her, taught her about religion and family history...It bothers me that for most of the book, the message is that all that is less important than biology. (Towards the end, she does seem to embrace both sides of her story).
3. The entire issue of being Jewish. Her mom was Jewish, so she is Jewish. Period. That's how that works in Judaism. This gets a super short mention about halfway through the book, but for the remaining 250ish pages it is repeated over and over again how she should have known all along that she was different/ other/ wasn't really Jewish because she is blond -- and people said she didn't look Jewish. Uhm, what? There are MANY blond Jews. Also, someone saying you don't "look Jewish" is rude. He (or she) is assuming that all Jews look the same, which very quickly leads down a path to stereotyping and prejudice. Furthermore, being the only blond kid in a family of dark-haired people happens, and doesn't have to mean anything untoward has happened. (We've got one of those blondies in my husband's family of black-haired Jews as a matter of fact. And she truly is his full sister; they also did the testing...). This brings me to my last point. Somewhere in the book she briefly mentions confirmation bias. Then she proceeds full steam ahead with her confirmation biased views of her childhood. She always knew, the signs were there, she felt different, and look it was true all along. I would imagine she isn't the only kid who has looked at other families and wished to be in those instead of their own, hoping perhaps that the imperfect parents who you're living with actually adopted you, and your real family (royal of course) will find you one day. Also, kids who are unsupervised wish to have their parents around more, while kids who have them around more can feel smothered. In parenting, unless you're evil/ purposely hurtful, most of the time is spent trying to guess which choice is better and feeling like maybe you guessed wrong. This is evident even when she looks at videos of the Walden family and envies their closeness and happiness, without knowing at all what the rest of their life looked like. I feel that because it turned out that she really was different from her family, she took every emotion and experience as evidence that she knew all along, although it could just as easily have gone the other way.
Ok, that was lengthy. Apparently I was more bothered than I initially thought I was. Again, despite my misgivings about this book, I did like her style of writing though and would consider reading something else of hers.
With that said, there were several things that really bothered me about the book.
1. The descriptions of her mom. I haven't read any of her other books, so I only have limited insight into her mother's personality and perhaps everything she describes is entirely accurate. Even so, I feel like she doesn't give her mom a fair shake. They obviously had a strained relationship, but it's as if her mom can't do anything right. If she isn't there, then she is neglectful. When she tells people how proud she is of Dani and how lucky she feels to have her, it means she's possessive. The letter to the camp, while wildly overbearing and probably embarrassing to the kid, seemed like a mother who cared and was worried about sending her only child away to camp, not a mother who only cares about herself. The story about how her mom screamed at Dani during a fight when she was a teenager, that she gave birth to her could be a sign of how narcissistic she was--or it could be a frustrated mom at her wits end dealing with a smart, know-it-all teenager and losing her cool.
2. What seems like her lack of understand why her parents didn't tell her. It was a different time, which she does touch on, but it also seems like a difficult thing to bring up. Her father loved her deeply, and perhaps they didn't bring it up because for all intents and purposes, he WAS her dad. Which leads me to how it bugged me that biology came across as the absolute most important factor in a familial relationship. Yes, surely it's disturbing and disconcerting now knowing where you came from, especially when it comes as such a shock in your fifties. But LOVE makes a family too, and her "social" dad was there for her, raised her, taught her about religion and family history...It bothers me that for most of the book, the message is that all that is less important than biology. (Towards the end, she does seem to embrace both sides of her story).
3. The entire issue of being Jewish. Her mom was Jewish, so she is Jewish. Period. That's how that works in Judaism. This gets a super short mention about halfway through the book, but for the remaining 250ish pages it is repeated over and over again how she should have known all along that she was different/ other/ wasn't really Jewish because she is blond -- and people said she didn't look Jewish. Uhm, what? There are MANY blond Jews. Also, someone saying you don't "look Jewish" is rude. He (or she) is assuming that all Jews look the same, which very quickly leads down a path to stereotyping and prejudice. Furthermore, being the only blond kid in a family of dark-haired people happens, and doesn't have to mean anything untoward has happened. (We've got one of those blondies in my husband's family of black-haired Jews as a matter of fact. And she truly is his full sister; they also did the testing...). This brings me to my last point. Somewhere in the book she briefly mentions confirmation bias. Then she proceeds full steam ahead with her confirmation biased views of her childhood. She always knew, the signs were there, she felt different, and look it was true all along. I would imagine she isn't the only kid who has looked at other families and wished to be in those instead of their own, hoping perhaps that the imperfect parents who you're living with actually adopted you, and your real family (royal of course) will find you one day. Also, kids who are unsupervised wish to have their parents around more, while kids who have them around more can feel smothered. In parenting, unless you're evil/ purposely hurtful, most of the time is spent trying to guess which choice is better and feeling like maybe you guessed wrong. This is evident even when she looks at videos of the Walden family and envies their closeness and happiness, without knowing at all what the rest of their life looked like. I feel that because it turned out that she really was different from her family, she took every emotion and experience as evidence that she knew all along, although it could just as easily have gone the other way.
Ok, that was lengthy. Apparently I was more bothered than I initially thought I was. Again, despite my misgivings about this book, I did like her style of writing though and would consider reading something else of hers.
katreadsalot's review against another edition
4.0
A moving, beautifully written story. This felt like a story Shapiro was born to write. It asked such important questions about sperm donation, presenting what I felt was a realistic and complicated picture. What I am left with most strongly is the sense of how love can bring someone into being.
rovwade's review against another edition
challenging
dark
emotional
informative
mysterious
reflective
sad
fast-paced
5.0
rissaleighs's review against another edition
4.0
Dani Shapiro discovered a family secret that fractured her sense of personal identity to the bedrock. In this memoir, she walks through the discovery process--which is fascinating and timely, involving social media and DNA websites--and also the aftermath, the weaving of a new narrative and a new peace.
Her writing voice is insightful yet personable, and I found this one of the more unputdownable (even though quiet) reads I've had in awhile. I can't wait to get my hands on her backlist!
Thanks to the Penguins First Reads program for a digital ARC!
Her writing voice is insightful yet personable, and I found this one of the more unputdownable (even though quiet) reads I've had in awhile. I can't wait to get my hands on her backlist!
Thanks to the Penguins First Reads program for a digital ARC!
dr_manuela_reads's review against another edition
1.0
This author has written FIVE memoirs! She is only in her mid to late 50s!
I start by pointing this out to say this memoir is about when she discovers that the father who raised her is not her biological father. It traces her finding her biological father and the turmoil, trauma associated with that.
She writes beautifully and I found her through her podcast “Family Secrets”. I found two issues very upsetting: a parent is one only through biology and her total lack of awareness of her privilege. I can’t count the number of times she questions that she is no longer the daughter of the man who raised her because she is not biologically his daughter. Despite saying she loved and adored the man who raised her she seems to forget about why she feels this the minute she finds he is not biologically her dad - she has all these feelings because he raised her not because of the biology he did or did not pass on to her!
Now on to her privilege and total lack of awareness about this. She is the epitome of privilege and she never once acknowledges it. I recognize the point of book is her story of dealing with finding out about her biological father but the only reason she got there so quickly is because of the access she has to very influential people and not once does she acknowledge this.
I am not sure I will read any of her other books and certainly not any of her other memoirs. I just don’t care to know more about her. I just don’t care to read about authors who cannot acknowledge their privilege. I have a sense her books are all about her finding herself and I just don’t care. I don’t care about reading about a rich white woman finding herself.
I start by pointing this out to say this memoir is about when she discovers that the father who raised her is not her biological father. It traces her finding her biological father and the turmoil, trauma associated with that.
She writes beautifully and I found her through her podcast “Family Secrets”. I found two issues very upsetting: a parent is one only through biology and her total lack of awareness of her privilege. I can’t count the number of times she questions that she is no longer the daughter of the man who raised her because she is not biologically his daughter. Despite saying she loved and adored the man who raised her she seems to forget about why she feels this the minute she finds he is not biologically her dad - she has all these feelings because he raised her not because of the biology he did or did not pass on to her!
Now on to her privilege and total lack of awareness about this. She is the epitome of privilege and she never once acknowledges it. I recognize the point of book is her story of dealing with finding out about her biological father but the only reason she got there so quickly is because of the access she has to very influential people and not once does she acknowledge this.
I am not sure I will read any of her other books and certainly not any of her other memoirs. I just don’t care to know more about her. I just don’t care to read about authors who cannot acknowledge their privilege. I have a sense her books are all about her finding herself and I just don’t care. I don’t care about reading about a rich white woman finding herself.