Reviews with content warning for Drug use - How to Be Ace: A Memoir of Growing Up Asexual

I picked this up because I’m asexual and queer and I’m always interested in hearing about others’ experiences with asexuality. And yeah, there were definitely a lot of moments that resonated with me. There were also some that didn’t, just because Burgess and I live different lives and have had different experiences shape us. And that’s okay! It would be boring if every person had the exact same experience.

Included alongside Burgess’ personal experiences was information on what asexuality is, common comments asexual people hear about their sexuality, and other more generalized information related to asexuality. I really appreciated that this was all included, and laid out in a very straightforward manner. Burgess talks a couple times about why education regarding asexuality is important, so including this kind of information within their narrative, and the list of resources at the end, makes perfect sense and is a nice example of doing the work rather than just talking about it.

That said, the information was. . . pretty basic. Like, first result of a google search basic. And you do not need to tell me that, like all human experiences, asexuality is a complicated subject. I am intimately aware of that (no pun intended). But this book doesn’t even mention that asexual can be an umbrella term and that asexuality is a spectrum, which is also basic information. Sure, maybe there wasn’t space to get into the nitty gritty of the varied ace spectrum identities or how the split attraction model works, but there’s barely even a mention that anything other than the “asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction” definition exists. From a book called How to be Ace, this seems like an oversight. I would be a little more lenient if Burgess had put into the text that asexuality is complicated and varied, and they’re focusing specifically on their own experience and identity which doesn’t account for a lot of people’s experiences and identities. But they don’t do that.

Maybe we’re supposed to just know, that since this is a memoir, of course it isn’t THE definitive book on asexuality and of course it isn’t going to cover everything. But I keep coming back to the title: How to be Ace. That really sounds like it’s going to provide me with all the information I need to know about asexuality.

And while we’re discussing the title, I have another issue with it. Namely, this isn’t just a “memoir of growing up asexual.” It’s also very much a book about growing up with mental illness (specifically OCD, phobias, and panic attacks). I’ll agree that the title is certainly attention getting, and I’ll acknowledge that titles are hard, especially for a work about someone’s life. But the title and description really make the focus asexuality, and it’s there in the novel, undeniably, but I’d estimate almost equal page space is dedicated to Burgess’ struggles with mental illness.

And to reiterate: human experiences are complicated. This is actually a decent example of why intersectionality is so important. In order to fully explore their experience growing up asexual, Burgess has to talk about their mental illness, because there are times when the two interact. It’s incredibly difficult to talk about Burgess’ touch aversion as solely related to their asexuality or as a manifestation of their OCD. It’s both. And in order to get the full impact on the asexuality side, we need more than a passing mention that oh yeah, Burgess also has OCD.

Certainly, if I were to write about my journey as a queer person, I would also have to write about my experience with anxiety, because they are tied together and influence one another. They are both part of me and I can’t completely separate them.

And that’s why I wish this would have been marketed more equally as being a memoir about growing up asexual, but also as growing up with OCD. I think this really would have helped manage expectations more.

So! Kind of a mixed bag, I think. On the memoir hand, this is certainly doing its job. It’s an interesting story that I enjoyed. On the educational hand, I’d call it an accessible introduction to asexuality, but by no means comprehensive. This is certainly one person’s experience and understanding of asexuality, which is what I was expecting from a memoir. I love seeing ace representation that I can relate to (and also that I can’t, though it’s more meaningful to me personally when I can), so overall, I really enjoyed this book, despite wishing some things in it had been done differently.

[Additional content warnings: fetishization of queer men; disordered eating - not an eating disorder]

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amieco's review against another edition

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hopeful informative inspiring reflective medium-paced

4.5

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emily_mh's review

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emotional hopeful reflective medium-paced

4.25

I liked the art style of this one and the memoir narrative. It was also intensely relatable for me personally. However, there was something missing and I can’t quite put my finger on it. It might be that the premise is framed as coming to terms with your asexuality, when in reality it focusses more on discovering your asexuality.

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alldebstinations's review

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emotional funny hopeful informative inspiring reflective fast-paced

4.0

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valereads's review

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challenging emotional funny hopeful medium-paced

5.0

I bought this graphic memoir as a gift for my aroace sister but wanted to give it a read for myself before giving it to her and I'm so glad I did.

A well told and inspiring story about learning to love yourself and accept where you are in life. I'm not asexual myself but this helped me to better understand the asexual experience. I also saw some of myself in the portrayal of OCD and autism in this book.

Content warnings for allusions to domestic abuse, multiple mentions of sexual assault, bullying, emotophobia, and panic attacks.

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