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bitchie's review
2.0
This is probably the most ridiculous book I have read in, well, ever. It read almost like a spoof, a parody of popular time travel erotic romance, but I have a sinking feeling the author was utterly serious.
Louise Jackson is having a birthday dinner at a medieval themed place. Only in this place, people are so into things that there is flying meat (whole roasted chickens and pigs) flying through the air, as well as flying, flinging, smelly manure.(HUH? Yeah, exactly) So Louise decides to duck into the restroom, and then head home. After all, her best friend is smashed and groping the jester, she'll never be missed.
The line to the ladies room is long, so she ducks into the men's room. Her first thought is "eew that stench is horrid". Her second thought is "hey that guy standing there at the urinal waving his "codpiece"(author's word, not mine) at me is totally hot, I have to have the sex, now!" He speaks poetically, draws her into a stall, and they step out into a medieval castle. And Louise's first thought is "huh", and her second thought is "can I have the sex now?"
The descriptions of the sexual acrobatics read like a man's wet dream, with banging of the inner walls, flipping and spinning and mulitple "o's". Only after the multiple o's does the "heroine" discover that this man has been traveling throughout the centuries, bringing back women to work in his "Hall of Harlots", and Louisa will have to work hard to stand out from the hundreds of other harlots already in residence.
Now we go to "I've only ever been with two losers from Jersey" to a sexual dominatrix, all in about two hours time. She uses her campfire girls knowledge to build her a BDSM dungeon, complete with a life sized cross to tie her subjects to, and a cat o' nine tails with NAILS tied to the tips. Nails that never draw blood. And not only is she suddenly an expert Domme, but all the men in the castle have just been waiting for a woman to come along and, not just dominate, but beat the heck out of them from head to toe!
What follows is lots of really bad sex, with really bad descriptions (ladysoftness??), a little bit of plotting, an escape, followed by more really bad sex. And that's the whole sad story.
Louise Jackson is having a birthday dinner at a medieval themed place. Only in this place, people are so into things that there is flying meat (whole roasted chickens and pigs) flying through the air, as well as flying, flinging, smelly manure.(HUH? Yeah, exactly) So Louise decides to duck into the restroom, and then head home. After all, her best friend is smashed and groping the jester, she'll never be missed.
The line to the ladies room is long, so she ducks into the men's room. Her first thought is "eew that stench is horrid". Her second thought is "hey that guy standing there at the urinal waving his "codpiece"(author's word, not mine) at me is totally hot, I have to have the sex, now!" He speaks poetically, draws her into a stall, and they step out into a medieval castle. And Louise's first thought is "huh", and her second thought is "can I have the sex now?"
The descriptions of the sexual acrobatics read like a man's wet dream, with banging of the inner walls, flipping and spinning and mulitple "o's". Only after the multiple o's does the "heroine" discover that this man has been traveling throughout the centuries, bringing back women to work in his "Hall of Harlots", and Louisa will have to work hard to stand out from the hundreds of other harlots already in residence.
Now we go to "I've only ever been with two losers from Jersey" to a sexual dominatrix, all in about two hours time. She uses her campfire girls knowledge to build her a BDSM dungeon, complete with a life sized cross to tie her subjects to, and a cat o' nine tails with NAILS tied to the tips. Nails that never draw blood. And not only is she suddenly an expert Domme, but all the men in the castle have just been waiting for a woman to come along and, not just dominate, but beat the heck out of them from head to toe!
What follows is lots of really bad sex, with really bad descriptions (ladysoftness??), a little bit of plotting, an escape, followed by more really bad sex. And that's the whole sad story.
kihadu's review
An immortal, time-travelling knight meets a 21st Century girl in a male bathroom, and kidnaps her back to the 11th Century, to use for sex. She's fine with this.
Fifty Shades ain't got nothin' on this one.
This book includes such brilliance as "All I care about is getting Gorgeous Mystery Knightâs giant codpiece up my twat in a hurry."
I don't even have words. I can't decide if I should rate it a 5 or a 1.
Fifty Shades ain't got nothin' on this one.
This book includes such brilliance as "All I care about is getting Gorgeous Mystery Knightâs giant codpiece up my twat in a hurry."
I don't even have words. I can't decide if I should rate it a 5 or a 1.
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