perpetual_doubt's review against another edition
The writing and story is obviously 1⭐️.
But the entertainment is an easy 5⭐️
What an absolute unit
But the entertainment is an easy 5⭐️
What an absolute unit
christian_mcguire's review against another edition
2.0
This is a legendary first draft. Rarely to first drafts get any kind of public release and even less often are exceptionally bad first drafts. This is in the so-bad-its-good category. I am not into sword and sorcery and so I got less out of this than its cult following does. That said, I enjoyed the casual sexism in the dialogue and the random diversions into Clark Ashton Smith prose, and "bllod", and chapter 7 1/2, and the priest randomly getting a seizure. Fun time.
readguy25's review against another edition
adventurous
funny
informative
fast-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? N/A
- Strong character development? No
- Loveable characters? No
- Diverse cast of characters? No
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
0.75
I’ve honestly been waiting for a book like The Eye of Argon to appear in my life. When it comes to movies, I’m a huge fan of Birdemic, not because I think it’s a cinematic masterpiece, but because it encroaches on being ‘so bad it’s good’. Ever since I’ve started reading, I’ve been searching for a book that fits that mold that Birdemic fills for me, and I’m happy to say that I think I’ve found it in this book.
The Eye of Argon’s plot is honestly completely terrible, as the reader follows Grignr the barbarian, the man who kills everyone and everything he comes in contact with, and who doesn’t even have the worst name in this book. Grignr is traveling to the city of Gorzan to essentially bang women and get drunk, only to find himself in trouble once he decapitates a person, because that person got mad that Grignr stole his ‘wench’. He is then sent to prison in this town where he is confronted by the prince, Agafnd, which is still in my opinion not the worst name in this book. Grignr is sentenced to the mines of despair or something, but he is able to kill Agafnd as a parting gift somehow.
The story then cuts away for a chapter to introduce a girl that is being sacrificed by a bunch of shamans? We quickly return to action, as Grignr is able to make an escape using the sharpened pelvic bone of a rat that he killed to escape and kill his two guards, one of which is named Broig, who has the worst name in this book, in my opinion. Then, as he is making his escape (while dodging a few booby traps along the way), he comes across the girl that was being sacrificed, and he murders every single shaman and saves the girl from being sacrificed. They then escape together, as we are given the main exposition dump during this part and the book becomes completely uninteresting, until the end.
Once they make it out of the castle(?), Grignr shows the girl that he stole the gem from the idol of Argon that the shaman had, and this is where I get a bit confused. The gem then turns into a leech of some sort, sucks onto Grignr, and then kills him, and the book ends right there.
I might have left out a few additional details, but that is quite literally the entire plot. I honestly think I just did a better job of explaining the plot than the actual book did, as Jim Theis absolutely sucks at writing. I’ve written drunk tweets that had better prose than this book.
I’ve never seen a book have this many spelling errors and completely made up words. He surely didn’t have anyone proofread this book, and I’m not even sure he proofread it himself, because he writes words like ‘Sirenity’, ‘Purnishment’, ‘Magjesty’, ‘Stygmatic’, ‘Lusciour’, ‘Slovering’, ‘Miral’, ‘Protruberan’, ‘Cuppex’, ‘Confisticated’, ‘Appilevered’, and ‘Yawkishly’, just to name a few. You’ll just have to believe when I say there are so many spelling mistakes that it’s impossible to write them all down, since I won’t be documenting every instance here. It’s so bad that some sentences are completely unintelligible. When it comes to books, I’ve only read one book that is more unintelligible, and that’s A Pickle for the Knowing Ones, which is kind of a cop out answer anyway, so this book honestly takes the cake.
Jim Theis could not put the thesaurus down while writing this book. In an effort to sound smarter than he actually is, he constantly uses complicated synonyms for pretty much every word in this book, which leads to some complete eye-roller lines like this:
“The flickering torches cast weird shafts of luminescence danding over the half naked harlot of his choice, her stringy orchid twines of hair swaying gracefully over the lithe opaque nose, as she raised a half drained mug to her pale red lips.”
Kinda bad, right? Well this is how the entire book is written. Jim Theis really wanted to show off his expanded vocabulary, but instead showed off his lack of knowledge of the English language. The main offenders come when Jim Theis is forced to describe a body part, as he can not simply call it ‘eyes’ or ‘ears’ or ‘mouth’ or ‘groin’, and instead opts for using ‘ emerald green orbs’, ‘auditory organs’, ‘reeking maw’, and finally, ‘urinary gland’. There are plenty of examples of him calling ‘eyes’ something stupid, but I won’t spoil it all, you should read this book to find out for yourself!
To wrap up, this is by far the worst book I’ve read, but I don’t hate it. Like I stated in the introduction, this book is like Birdemic to me, so I found immense enjoyment out of reading this. If I had to sit down and think to myself, “Did I enjoy reading ‘The Eye of Argon’ more than ‘World War Z’ or ‘Verity’ I would say yes, emphatically. For that reason, it rates the tiniest margin higher than those books in my all time ranking. I recommend everyone read this book, partially for personal, disturbed enjoyment, but also to learn the importance of proofreading anything you write.
antonism's review against another edition
4.0
A 1 and a 5. It is both but nothing between. This is indeed a very difficult one to rate. First of all, this is not a full-length book, it is just a short story, at around half the size of a novella. I'm still not sure if I should try to write a review, maybe one could just look at all the other reviews here. But what I want to say is that eventhough this is definitely one of the most atrocious and horrible pieces of writing I have ever seen, on the other hand it is immensely enjoyable! I caught myself laughing out loud more times than I remember, even more often than when I read a Pratchett novel and that's a lot! There are moments when the expressions used, the choice of words and the verbosity of descriptions just transgress into another realm. My advice.... go read it, especially if you are a well-read fantasy reader with many books and years under your belt. You will find it uniquely enjoyable. My rating.... is a 5! You will understand why when you read it! (Plus I can't make you read it if I give it a 1!)
ceskykure's review against another edition
funny
fast-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Plot
- Strong character development? No
- Loveable characters? No
- Diverse cast of characters? No
- Flaws of characters a main focus? No
1.0
A Hilarious book labeled as the worst Fantasy book ever. and it lives up to it in these 7.5 chapters
anasaurus's review against another edition
5.0
The Eye of Argon is to books what Manos Hands of Fate is to movies
One of the worst things I have ever had fun reading
One of the worst things I have ever had fun reading
nomadpenguin's review against another edition
5.0
So bad it's hilarious, but not so bad that it's unreadable. A master class in passive voice and inappropriate adjective use. Truly the Troll 2 of books.
the_mew_of_cathulhu's review against another edition
1.0
A masterpiece. Everything that could be wrong is. It is truly an accomplishment to miss the mark on every possible point.
Atrocious spelling and grammar aside, the writing is just plain bad. You could remake the thesaurus with all the unnecessary descriptors thrown in, since every noun seems to have a modifier. And there's an odd preoccupation with specifying right versus left. It gets so bogged down that you sometimes have to pause and ask yourself what the hell just happened. I read this aloud with a friend and it is so difficult to not laugh or stumble over your words since nothing flows naturally.
10/10 would laugh at again. Well done, Jimmy T.
Atrocious spelling and grammar aside, the writing is just plain bad. You could remake the thesaurus with all the unnecessary descriptors thrown in, since every noun seems to have a modifier. And there's an odd preoccupation with specifying right versus left. It gets so bogged down that you sometimes have to pause and ask yourself what the hell just happened. I read this aloud with a friend and it is so difficult to not laugh or stumble over your words since nothing flows naturally.
10/10 would laugh at again. Well done, Jimmy T.