taratuulikki's review against another edition
5.0
Honestly, this is a life changing book. I couldn’t put it down and read it in one day. Learning more about my attachment style and the factors that contribute to it; recognizing my tendencies and the factors and motivations behind them; learning to recognize and identify insecure and secure attachment habits will change my life and my relationships. For those with few secure relationships that model healthy attachment styles, this book is a godsend.
Major takeaways for me:
- Theway we attach (secure, anxious, or avoidant) has evolutionary roots. It is better to understand these instincts and learn how to work w them rather than beat ourselves or others up about them
- We are wired for connection and dependency. No matter how independent we are or want to be, connection is part of our evolutionary nature. We form physiological bonds w our attachment figures so who we attach to matters. Choose partners or loved ones who will help nurture you physiologically.
“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.”
“In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.”
“Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring the partner’s psychological and physical proximity.”
“Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.”
“These findings suggest that people with an anxious attachment style are indeed more vigilant to changes in others’ emotional expression and can have a higher degree of accuracy and sensitivity to other people’s cues. However, this finding comes with a caveat. The study showed that people with an anxious attachment style tend to jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people’s emotional state.... If you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself.”
“When couples disagree about the degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship, the issue eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue.”
Major takeaways for me:
- Theway we attach (secure, anxious, or avoidant) has evolutionary roots. It is better to understand these instincts and learn how to work w them rather than beat ourselves or others up about them
- We are wired for connection and dependency. No matter how independent we are or want to be, connection is part of our evolutionary nature. We form physiological bonds w our attachment figures so who we attach to matters. Choose partners or loved ones who will help nurture you physiologically.
“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.”
“In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.”
“Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring the partner’s psychological and physical proximity.”
“Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.”
“These findings suggest that people with an anxious attachment style are indeed more vigilant to changes in others’ emotional expression and can have a higher degree of accuracy and sensitivity to other people’s cues. However, this finding comes with a caveat. The study showed that people with an anxious attachment style tend to jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people’s emotional state.... If you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself.”
“When couples disagree about the degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship, the issue eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue.”
emilygrujic's review against another edition
4.0
If anyone wants to read up on adult attachment theory (and you totally should!), this book is very accessible and such a great introduction!!!
gyarados's review against another edition
3.0
therapist here! i'm not going to say anything that hasn't already been said ... but PLEASE read more than just this book if trying to learn more about you or your partners' attachment styles. this book misrepresents attachment theory in the following ways:
- avoidant attachments are NOT villains nor people to adamantly avoid
- no one "is" an anxious or avoidant attachment; these different styles show up differently in every relationship and fluctuate naturally throughout life despite traumas from childhood. i.e., someone could be anxious in one relationship or even in one particular pattern of conflict in a relationship and avoidant in another, or can switch between the two without any self-work
- anxious and avoidant partners CAN coexist in relationships and should not be avoided as a rule; if both partners know whats up, these troubles can become less of a halting force
so, yeah, not a bad book, i actually found myself learning a lot about myself despite the amount of other rhetoric i've read on attachment theory, BUT please read other resources as well to get a more well-rounded depiction
- avoidant attachments are NOT villains nor people to adamantly avoid
- no one "is" an anxious or avoidant attachment; these different styles show up differently in every relationship and fluctuate naturally throughout life despite traumas from childhood. i.e., someone could be anxious in one relationship or even in one particular pattern of conflict in a relationship and avoidant in another, or can switch between the two without any self-work
- anxious and avoidant partners CAN coexist in relationships and should not be avoided as a rule; if both partners know whats up, these troubles can become less of a halting force
so, yeah, not a bad book, i actually found myself learning a lot about myself despite the amount of other rhetoric i've read on attachment theory, BUT please read other resources as well to get a more well-rounded depiction