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vassa's review
Бросаю на 17 процентах, потому что всё ну очень плохо, а нелепый разговор о желанном ребёнке (потому что о чём же ещё может мечтать восемнадцатилетняя девушка?) стал моей последней каплей.
golden_lily's review
1.0
1993. The first WTC bombing. Waco, Texas. The Tomsk-7 explosion. And Pirate by Fabio. A disastrous year.
The blame can’t be laid entirely on the man who killed a goose with his nose, however. Eugenia Riley, most well known for her time-travel romances, shares a “with” credit. How much input an Italian supermodel was allowed to have on the plot is up for debate, but Pirate is the first of five historical collaborations released in Fabio’s name. (As the 90s waned, he switched to a series of romantic suspenses titled, Dangerous, Wild, and Mysterious. A man of many words, Fabio is not.) I suspect Fabio of a fair amount of involvement, however, because Pirate features a very male plot.
Marco Glaviano has been a very busy young man. Between eighteen and twenty-two, he’s lost both of his parents, acquired a ship and crew, left Venice to turn pirate, gained quite a reputation, made an arch-enemy, sailed to “Arabia”, sailed to the new world, traded in his pirating for privateering, fought numerous battles, so impressed the British they gave him an island, and ended up in precisely the right place to rescue a twelve year old Christina Abbott.
(Marco Glaviano is also the name of a famous photographer from the eighties and nineties. He worked mainly with supermodels. Which Fabio is one. There is literally no way he didn’t know that when the main character was named. It’s like he predicted the rise of Google and picked a name so that when people searched, “Did Fabio work with Marco Glaviano?” they would get his terrible pirate book instead. - AN: Is Fabio a time traveler? Investigate further.)
Marco’s nemesis, Carlos, has raided an island. Marco watches dispassionately from his ship until he sees one of Carlos’ men preparing to rape a woman. Being a stand up guy who can’t abide a rape, (wanton murder and destruction are a-ok,) Marco sends his crew in to stop the marauding. He’s too late to stop the rapist, but during a daring sword fight, he gazes upon the innocent yet defiant visage of our heroine. Who again, is twelve. Deciding he can’t leave a child to Carlos’ ministrations, Marco kidnaps her and her nurse and takes them back to his island. (But not the woman he just watched get raped. She’ll just have to deal with the pirates herself.)
Once aboard his ship, Marco develops an unexpectedly fraternal/paternal stirring for the child, but Christina has something else in mind. For the next six years, while Marco spoils her like a favorite pet, Christina doggedly pursues him until she reaches the absolute minimum age Avon is willing to publish. A light is switched in Marco’s head and suddenly he realizes that his cara is totally boneable.
The plot is a complete male power fantasy, unlike anything I’ve seen in the romance genre. The precocious Lolita who pursues the virtuous, but dangerous, but sexually magnetic older man. Marco’s physical description is more Conan than Jack Sparrow, as the book lovingly depicts his strength and bulging muscles. Not that romance heroes aren’t frequently built like mack trucks, but Marco’s descriptions push beyond. He’s what men think women want. Sexually experienced, having enjoyed the company of a few wenches and whores, but not so many as to be intimidating. The kind of man who uses condoms, (in 1472!) so as not to be tied down, but fantasizes about getting you pregnant. A dangerous pirate, but pursuing justice for his dead parents. And above all, jealous, possessive, and completely unwilling to communicate.
Forgive me for not swooning dead away.
The book actually has an overabundance of plot, which frankly wasn’t what I expected. Christina’s Lolita ways force Marco to find her a husband, which sets in motion a “we all have to pretend to not be pirates!” farce. The orphaned Christina’s guardian is tipped off that she might still be alive and Carlos reconciles with his ex-mistress, recently snubbed by Marco himself. Three beta romances, two kidnappings, fake priests, miscommunications, secret babies, animal sidekicks. It’s a lot of book.
And that book is bad. Some of it is a product of its times, teetering just on the edge of “old skool” romance, where rape was a common plot point, even between the hero and heroine. I suppose I can grudgingly give points there; Christina is always eager for Marco, even when, say, she was just kept as a sex slave and boning should be the last thing on her mind. (Marco’s mistress, however, is a victim of this nonsense. Warning, though none of you should read this.) Likewise, the word “manroot” may have cause my cervix to descend and slam shut like Fort Knox, but I understand the 90s were big on the purple euphemisms. And I expect nothing less than sails unfurling about masts in a book called Pirate. However, the vast majority of my issues are just bad writing.
There are a lot of plot holes. First, as I touched on, Marco cannot be twenty-two when the book begins. It’s just not possible. The very existence of a thriving island filled with crops and partners and children who are definitely older than four proves this. The island was given to Marco as a base when he joined the British, which couldn’t have been more than a year before the start of the book. It just doesn’t make sense. Also the author thinks flamingos live in the Caribbean. And that you can sail, in 1472, from Charlestown to beyond Havana in a week. And that there’s such a thing as a black cheetah and it can be your pet and you can ask it for love advice and it has a mane at at least six years. (I have a lot of feelings about the cute animal sidekick.) The author thinks men curtsy and there are only two Spanish people in the world and Carlos should talk like he’s in a telenovela, because Spanish. That "I had to kill the poor bastard. After all, a man is better off dead than not a man [castrated]."
And then, in an effort for a forced happily ever after for all the subplots, characters to flip motivations on a dime. Christina’s guardian literally just up and disappears. Bad guys are good, getting married is a suitable punishment for sex slavery, and attempted murder is just laughed off with a, “jealous women, am I right, folks?!” I have honestly never read a book that hates its intended audience so much.
When I picked Pirate up at Goodwill, I expected bad writing, weird sex scenes, and a goofy cover. I was hoping for something funny we could all laugh at, (and yes, Rosa getting a snake up her cooch and Monique getting doused with water and taking it as a sign from God are definitely what I was looking for,) but mostly I just got sadness. There’s some promise in the faking respectability plot, but it’s buried under the awful conceit, Christina’s petulance, and Marco’s anger. Racist, misogynistic, and just plain bad, let’s not go back to these good old days.
The blame can’t be laid entirely on the man who killed a goose with his nose, however. Eugenia Riley, most well known for her time-travel romances, shares a “with” credit. How much input an Italian supermodel was allowed to have on the plot is up for debate, but Pirate is the first of five historical collaborations released in Fabio’s name. (As the 90s waned, he switched to a series of romantic suspenses titled, Dangerous, Wild, and Mysterious. A man of many words, Fabio is not.) I suspect Fabio of a fair amount of involvement, however, because Pirate features a very male plot.
Marco Glaviano has been a very busy young man. Between eighteen and twenty-two, he’s lost both of his parents, acquired a ship and crew, left Venice to turn pirate, gained quite a reputation, made an arch-enemy, sailed to “Arabia”, sailed to the new world, traded in his pirating for privateering, fought numerous battles, so impressed the British they gave him an island, and ended up in precisely the right place to rescue a twelve year old Christina Abbott.
(Marco Glaviano is also the name of a famous photographer from the eighties and nineties. He worked mainly with supermodels. Which Fabio is one. There is literally no way he didn’t know that when the main character was named. It’s like he predicted the rise of Google and picked a name so that when people searched, “Did Fabio work with Marco Glaviano?” they would get his terrible pirate book instead. - AN: Is Fabio a time traveler? Investigate further.)
Marco’s nemesis, Carlos, has raided an island. Marco watches dispassionately from his ship until he sees one of Carlos’ men preparing to rape a woman. Being a stand up guy who can’t abide a rape, (wanton murder and destruction are a-ok,) Marco sends his crew in to stop the marauding. He’s too late to stop the rapist, but during a daring sword fight, he gazes upon the innocent yet defiant visage of our heroine. Who again, is twelve. Deciding he can’t leave a child to Carlos’ ministrations, Marco kidnaps her and her nurse and takes them back to his island. (But not the woman he just watched get raped. She’ll just have to deal with the pirates herself.)
Once aboard his ship, Marco develops an unexpectedly fraternal/paternal stirring for the child, but Christina has something else in mind. For the next six years, while Marco spoils her like a favorite pet, Christina doggedly pursues him until she reaches the absolute minimum age Avon is willing to publish. A light is switched in Marco’s head and suddenly he realizes that his cara is totally boneable.
The plot is a complete male power fantasy, unlike anything I’ve seen in the romance genre. The precocious Lolita who pursues the virtuous, but dangerous, but sexually magnetic older man. Marco’s physical description is more Conan than Jack Sparrow, as the book lovingly depicts his strength and bulging muscles. Not that romance heroes aren’t frequently built like mack trucks, but Marco’s descriptions push beyond. He’s what men think women want. Sexually experienced, having enjoyed the company of a few wenches and whores, but not so many as to be intimidating. The kind of man who uses condoms, (in 1472!) so as not to be tied down, but fantasizes about getting you pregnant. A dangerous pirate, but pursuing justice for his dead parents. And above all, jealous, possessive, and completely unwilling to communicate.
Forgive me for not swooning dead away.
The book actually has an overabundance of plot, which frankly wasn’t what I expected. Christina’s Lolita ways force Marco to find her a husband, which sets in motion a “we all have to pretend to not be pirates!” farce. The orphaned Christina’s guardian is tipped off that she might still be alive and Carlos reconciles with his ex-mistress, recently snubbed by Marco himself. Three beta romances, two kidnappings, fake priests, miscommunications, secret babies, animal sidekicks. It’s a lot of book.
And that book is bad. Some of it is a product of its times, teetering just on the edge of “old skool” romance, where rape was a common plot point, even between the hero and heroine. I suppose I can grudgingly give points there; Christina is always eager for Marco, even when, say, she was just kept as a sex slave and boning should be the last thing on her mind. (Marco’s mistress, however, is a victim of this nonsense. Warning, though none of you should read this.) Likewise, the word “manroot” may have cause my cervix to descend and slam shut like Fort Knox, but I understand the 90s were big on the purple euphemisms. And I expect nothing less than sails unfurling about masts in a book called Pirate. However, the vast majority of my issues are just bad writing.
There are a lot of plot holes. First, as I touched on, Marco cannot be twenty-two when the book begins. It’s just not possible. The very existence of a thriving island filled with crops and partners and children who are definitely older than four proves this. The island was given to Marco as a base when he joined the British, which couldn’t have been more than a year before the start of the book. It just doesn’t make sense. Also the author thinks flamingos live in the Caribbean. And that you can sail, in 1472, from Charlestown to beyond Havana in a week. And that there’s such a thing as a black cheetah and it can be your pet and you can ask it for love advice and it has a mane at at least six years. (I have a lot of feelings about the cute animal sidekick.) The author thinks men curtsy and there are only two Spanish people in the world and Carlos should talk like he’s in a telenovela, because Spanish. That "I had to kill the poor bastard. After all, a man is better off dead than not a man [castrated]."
And then, in an effort for a forced happily ever after for all the subplots, characters to flip motivations on a dime. Christina’s guardian literally just up and disappears. Bad guys are good, getting married is a suitable punishment for sex slavery, and attempted murder is just laughed off with a, “jealous women, am I right, folks?!” I have honestly never read a book that hates its intended audience so much.
When I picked Pirate up at Goodwill, I expected bad writing, weird sex scenes, and a goofy cover. I was hoping for something funny we could all laugh at, (and yes, Rosa getting a snake up her cooch and Monique getting doused with water and taking it as a sign from God are definitely what I was looking for,) but mostly I just got sadness. There’s some promise in the faking respectability plot, but it’s buried under the awful conceit, Christina’s petulance, and Marco’s anger. Racist, misogynistic, and just plain bad, let’s not go back to these good old days.
hollyjbates's review against another edition
I love cheesy, but I couldn't get into this one. The romance is between a man and a girl he rescues when she is young. Then he watches her grow up and then they fall in love...icky
catladyreba's review against another edition
3.0
Maybe it's because I'm I'm the middle of Blizzard 2013, but I actually enjoyed this one...I think I've just given in to the cheesiness of it all. I've embraced Fabio...the sexiest, most desired man in the world (circa 1994). Yikes..I just typed that out loud didn't I? Bahaha
liz_stoker's review against another edition
adventurous
funny
lighthearted
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? No
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? No
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
5.0
Let's get one thing straight- I don't rate books on whether or not they are actually good books, I rate them on how much I enjoyed reading them. I had a lot of fun reading this book. It was funny, light-hearted, and sexy. The characters were unrealistic and downright cartoonish at times, and there were an awful lot of typos and misspelled words, but I'm willing to overlook that because I was so thoroughly entertained.
The hero and heroine are Marco and Christina. Marco is tall and blonde and Christina is petite and green-eyed. Christina is a girl who knows what she wants (Marco) and Marco is reluctant to settle down. There is a huge amount of sexual tension between the two. Poor Marco is suffering from Permaboner Syndrome. One night it gets to be too much and the couple consummate their relationship. Then there are the usual customary historical romance events, kidnapping, misunderstanding, an evil mustache-twirling villain that must be defeated. All wrapping up in a HEA.
Let me go over the things I enjoyed the most:
The descriptions of the scenery were very vivid. I could imagine being on a lush tropical island or trapped on the evil pirate captain's ship. I could see myself re-reading this simply because the settings were so enjoyable.
The sex scenes were pretty hot, though I couldn't imagine Fabio in the scenes. That wouldn't have been hot. I ended up imagining a couple of movie stars that I like in the scenes.
And the things I didn't like:
Christina didn't mature at all between the ages of 12 and 18. It made it weird, because at times it seemed like Marco was literally romancing a 12 year old. Ew.
The hero and heroine are Marco and Christina. Marco is tall and blonde and Christina is petite and green-eyed. Christina is a girl who knows what she wants (Marco) and Marco is reluctant to settle down. There is a huge amount of sexual tension between the two. Poor Marco is suffering from Permaboner Syndrome. One night it gets to be too much and the couple consummate their relationship. Then there are the usual customary historical romance events, kidnapping, misunderstanding, an evil mustache-twirling villain that must be defeated. All wrapping up in a HEA.
Let me go over the things I enjoyed the most:
The descriptions of the scenery were very vivid. I could imagine being on a lush tropical island or trapped on the evil pirate captain's ship. I could see myself re-reading this simply because the settings were so enjoyable.
The sex scenes were pretty hot, though I couldn't imagine Fabio in the scenes. That wouldn't have been hot. I ended up imagining a couple of movie stars that I like in the scenes.
And the things I didn't like:
Christina didn't mature at all between the ages of 12 and 18. It made it weird, because at times it seemed like Marco was literally romancing a 12 year old. Ew.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Sexual content
Minor: Pregnancy
jainabee's review
2.0
This really is a fascinating shard of shrapnel from the Fabio explosion. It is written in his unmistakable voice, which arouses more amusement than passion in me.
roselillian's review against another edition
1.0
This was like watching a car crash and not being able to look away.
I got this book for 20 cents at a thrift store for a funny gag gift to my father that turned into a running joke insinuating I had to read it. I have to admit this book had way more plot than I originally assumed it would have. Of course, that plot was abysmal, but there was an actual attempt at a book here. I found myself laughing at very inappropriate times in the book, like the numerous times Christina almost castrated the men who had wronged her (would've thrived off of the book if it was just that). The beginning portion when Christina was only 12 was way too drawn out and honestly felt gross to me knowing that Marco and Christina would inevitably end up together. The persistent back and forth of "will they, won't they" made me want to claw out my own eyeballs and almost caused reading whiplash. Also, it took way too long for Marco and Christina to end up together, knowing that it was going to happen, and there was almost no payoff.
But in the end, the epilogue was kind of the best epilogue I've read so far this year.
I got this book for 20 cents at a thrift store for a funny gag gift to my father that turned into a running joke insinuating I had to read it. I have to admit this book had way more plot than I originally assumed it would have. Of course, that plot was abysmal, but there was an actual attempt at a book here. I found myself laughing at very inappropriate times in the book, like the numerous times Christina almost castrated the men who had wronged her (would've thrived off of the book if it was just that). The beginning portion when Christina was only 12 was way too drawn out and honestly felt gross to me knowing that Marco and Christina would inevitably end up together. The persistent back and forth of "will they, won't they" made me want to claw out my own eyeballs and almost caused reading whiplash. Also, it took way too long for Marco and Christina to end up together, knowing that it was going to happen, and there was almost no payoff.
But in the end, the epilogue was kind of the best epilogue I've read so far this year.
chels_ebooks's review against another edition
lighthearted
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Diverse cast of characters? No
2.0
Who was this for?
I didn't read this with the intention of dunking on it, because Eugenia Riley (the ghostwriter) is an actual romance novelist, and even with (or maybe, especially with?)Fabio's participation there's a chance that this would be worthwhile.
It's not. It just not.
Marco, the hero, is a blonde Italian pirate that you are clearly supposed to view as Fabio, which was an uncomfortable experience for me because I cannot sexualize Fabio. If only Christina, the heroine, had that same problem.
Marco kidnaps Christina when she's twelve years old in order to "save" her from other pirates that will surely rape her. He then raises Christina, along with a parrot, and a tiger that has some internalized misogyny that she needs to deal with. (This lady tiger only bites women, it seems. Sans Christina, of course.) Fabio Marco is essentially her father figure, but Christina never sees him in that light, and she is just counting down the days til she's an adult and can properly romance him.
While reading this I kept comparing it to The Windflower because Merry in The Windflower is also a young heroine kidnapped by pirates, and there's a similar sort of whimsy in the storytelling. I wish I had just re-read The Windflower instead of reading this!
I think it can work if you want to experience it as camp, but for some reason my brain said "NO!" and just completely rejected getting any type of joy out of this book.
I didn't read this with the intention of dunking on it, because Eugenia Riley (the ghostwriter) is an actual romance novelist, and even with (or maybe, especially with?)Fabio's participation there's a chance that this would be worthwhile.
It's not. It just not.
Marco, the hero, is a blonde Italian pirate that you are clearly supposed to view as Fabio, which was an uncomfortable experience for me because I cannot sexualize Fabio. If only Christina, the heroine, had that same problem.
Marco kidnaps Christina when she's twelve years old in order to "save" her from other pirates that will surely rape her. He then raises Christina, along with a parrot, and a tiger that has some internalized misogyny that she needs to deal with. (This lady tiger only bites women, it seems. Sans Christina, of course.) Fabio Marco is essentially her father figure, but Christina never sees him in that light, and she is just counting down the days til she's an adult and can properly romance him.
While reading this I kept comparing it to The Windflower because Merry in The Windflower is also a young heroine kidnapped by pirates, and there's a similar sort of whimsy in the storytelling. I wish I had just re-read The Windflower instead of reading this!
I think it can work if you want to experience it as camp, but for some reason my brain said "NO!" and just completely rejected getting any type of joy out of this book.
Content Warnings
Minor: Rape
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