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jessereadsthings's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
sad
fast-paced
4.0
Not perfect, but a super emotional read for me.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Transphobia
Moderate: Homophobia, Miscarriage, Misogyny, and Racism
Minor: Hate crime
enbeefinery's review
emotional
inspiring
reflective
fast-paced
5.0
“But remember, intellect can close the heart as quickly as ignorance can. With ignorance, you can hope that knowledge will lead to new understanding. This is unlikely when the intellectual has already built a fortress of bigoted ideology.”
this letter –full of historical facts and philosophical musings on what it means to be human, to be alive and to be at odds with everything– was the best love letter i’ve ever read, and to be honest, i don’t think anything will ever top this.
what i most appreciate about this book is the measures ‘carolyn’ has taken to protect her daughter, from changing all the names and publishing the book under a pen name to obfuscating any potential identifying information. she loves her children and every single word in this book shows that. that being said, i’d be lying if i said this book didn’t hurt every inch of my being. it was such a bittersweet feeling, seeing how some trans children are treated, and how we all could’ve and should’ve been treated. how easy (not effortless, but easy) it is to actually love your child unconditionally and how so many parents (mine included) deny their children that love. i will never be safe enough to come out to my parents, but boy am i happy to know there are trans and queer children that are not only out to their parents but out, fought for AND loved. i also really loved the fact that carolyn didn’t sweep her daughter’s privileges under the rug, and constantly (but never dismissively) reminded her that she is white and middle-class and that not all parents are like hers, and how transphobic can and does intertwine with other forms of bigotry.
the only chapters i slightly (a bit more than slightly) disliked were those in part 4, talking about god and how we are all his creation, yada yada... as an agnostic-leaning atheist with years of religious trauma (and also as someone studying evolution and developmental biology), it felt a bit… how do i put it… meh? but i can see how those chapters can help religious parents or even queer people who feel their faith contradicts their existence and are looking for the middle ground.
anyways, i wish my mum would read this book.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Religious bigotry
Moderate: Misogyny and Transphobia
Minor: Racism, Rape, and Violence
pen2post's review against another edition
emotional
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.25
“Girlhood (and its move into womanhood) is becoming a body that men want to control, that men feel they should control.”
What happens when your toddler proclaims that you got their gender wrong? In the neverending argument of nature vs nurture, some parts of us are entrenched in us, this is our nature, and in this book, our author saw a boy’s body at birth but their toddler knew she was a girl. At the time of the letter she’s turning 13 and this is the history of her, within the context of her parents, her family and friends and American politics told from the mother’s point of view.
The statistics for trans children is heartbreaking and for the parent our author asks “This is the question: Would you rather have a dead son or a living daughter? Or, depending on their child’s gender identity: Would you rather have a dead daughter or a living son?”
As you’re reading part one and understanding the parents and family coming to terms with this reality (with all the love in the world) reading part one made me feel anxious. It was too good to be true and I was waiting for the world to happen to this family. And then it did.
This book covers a lot of history and topics such as racism, feminism, TERFs, Trans activism, ableism, religion, and so much more. All the while, Hays is fully aware of their privilege as a middle-class white family and the access to resources that this provides.
In addition, their daughter does not exist in isolation. She has siblings and grandparents and cousins and, as she gets older, friends and teachers and hers is a constant weighing up of who to trust and with whom she wants to share this private aspect of her being. “it’s like a little knife. the kids would all have one. And they could cut her with it anytime they wanted.”
This is also a story of a mother’s love for her children, meeting them where they are at, understanding who they are as individuals, and the lengths she goes to for them, to advocate for them, to give them the safest most loving home, and to prepare them to leave the nest.
There will be many trigger warnings with this one, but if you can, and you have a child in your life (whatever their gender identity) then this is a worthwhile read.
Thank you to NetGalley and Pan Macmillan, Picador for allowing me to read this insightful memoir.
Thank you to NetGalley and Pan Macmillan, Picador for allowing me to read this insightful memoir.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Racism, Transphobia, and Religious bigotry
Minor: Ableism, Hate crime, Misogyny, Medical content, and Classism
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