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greden's review against another edition
4.0
There are some spoilers in this review, though not anything that would ruin reading it.
I have a confession to make, I don’t like reading books… they tend to make me tired and I have to force myself to read because it’s so helpful for me. So far in my life, only three books have truly captivated me to the point I got hooked and didn’t want to stop reading. The first was Neil Strauss’ The Game, the second was When Nietzsche Wept by Irvin Yalom, and the third was The Truth, again by Neil Strauss. Even though I don’t actually like Strauss, which I’ll come back to later, I have to admit he’s my favorite writer. He's so good at it, that he could make a dull day seem extremely interesting and funny. Combining his fantastic writing skills and dedication to the craft with the fact he had truly exciting stories to tell, he’s a writer who can change the course of dating.
The book is something that is, unfortunately, of its kind when it comes to relatability. Strauss describes the difficulties of shaking off his hard-learned pickup skills once he is in a relationship. After getting caught cheating on his girlfriend, he decided to go to sex addiction rehab, after he got out, he continued his old habits with the girl who had forgiven him, and he thought that monogamy wasn’t for him... And he decided to go on an adventure to try polyamory. After a couple years of, he concluded that it his childhood trauma that was making him so unsatisfied, and went into extensive therapy, which transformed him into being capable of monogamy, and then finally ended up having kids and getting married.
The book puts a heavy emphasis on attachment styles and the way parents and childhood trauma block us from true intimacy. Strauss was exposed to an abusive, narcissistic mother, who was “devouring him,” Oedipus-style. He was “enmeshed” by her. And his trauma made him unable to commit to a woman.
The book is raw, brutally honest, functions as an exposé of his abusive family, well-written, interesting, and funny. I like that Strauss was struggling and giving up a defense against the notion that he’s incessantly chasing sex due to childhood trauma, and truly explores biological, evolutionary, and other miscellaneous non-pathological perspectives of his behavior and desires.
However, I can’t seem to notice that Strauss was not 100% authentic in his writing, despite the brutal self-deprecation and exposing himself as a liar and cheater, which very few people would have done in the first place. In many parts, I felt like Strauss was playing naive and too easily persuaded. Strauss lost me a couple of times, I mean, he’s the author of The Game, he’s well-read and intelligent, and he has had his elbows in the mud for a long time. I can’t help but feel he was telling a fictional story at points to make a narrative, but it’s not entirely authentic.
There was also so much detailed dialog that I sometimes wondered if Strauss was walking around with a tape recorder wherever he went. And that’s the thing. Sometimes I feel like Strauss was doing things just for the book.
Nevertheless, it’s a captivating story, it’s heartbreaking in that Strauss reveals his narcissistic abusive mother, and it’s heartwarming that he managed to overcome his traumas and improve the quality of his relationships through therapy.
I’d like to point out something which is not exactly a criticism of Neil, because as the title of the book is appropriately named “The Truth,” the entire quest of the book is based upon the value of honesty. But nevertheless, I find it crucial to mention, because I’m terrified of the rise of determinism, in this case, childhood determinism, and that moralism is becoming passé.
When Neil got out of sex addiction rehab in the first round, his ex-girlfriend, Ingrid, decided to give him another chance. Before her visited him in rehab, he masturbated to the fantasy of having a threesome with his fellow inmates, of course, that had no need to be mentioned. Immediately getting back together, he had problems getting it up in the shower, and he didn’t want to disappoint her, so he decided to fantasize about the women on the airplane to make himself hard. Later, he was masturbating to porn, and as Ingrid got up and asked him about him he made a lame excuse “I thought you were sleeping.” Continuing this pattern, he momentarily slips and sends a welcoming text message to a girl who has shown interest in him. He had stopped texting all other girls, except Belle. Of course, there’s always a Belle… after the chaos that ensued, Neil realized that he wasn’t fit for monogamy and decided on a journey into polyamory, and a bucketload of therapy probably costing more than $100k in total. As a result, he was now “healed” from the childhood trauma that caused him to make stupid decisions and lie, and now he was ready to get married.
Immediately getting back together with Ingrid, after all this time, he had been cured from his “avoidant” attachment style, while she was still in her “anxious” attachment style, so he decided to heal her by cashing out on intensive therapy, and voila, a happy marriage. And then we have a list of recommended therapists on his website.
Now, I don’t doubt that therapy is highly effective and legitimately healing, I think Strauss did go through a genuine transformation with the help of understanding his childhood trauma and being determined to heal himself from it. I don’t think a lot of people do that, so hats off to Strauss, and congratulations.
But my caveat is that we have to put in free-will back into the picture here, to balance things out. I think people, Americans especially, are becoming obsessed with this childhood trauma thing, as an explanation of their behavior, forgetting that they actually have free will.
Here’s the thing, when Neil got out of rehab, he could have done something else that fantasized about another woman in the shower. But he didn’t. But still, after that, he could have told his partner about it afterward, which would have “set him free.” But he didn’t. When Ingrid asked him about the porn, he didn’t have to make a deceptive, lame excuse. He didn’t have to respond to Belle. But still, even if he made a momentary slip-up, he could have still told Ingrid about it. But he didn’t. Backtrack some time, Neil contemplated whether or not he should tell Ingrid about his cheating, the wise Rick Rubin, who functions as his Master Oogway in this story, tells him that he should tell the truth, but Neil decides against it, and he is eventually caught.
Here’s the thing, every step along the way was a choice made out of free-will. He was caught in a cascade of lies not because of his childhood trauma, but because he didn’t appreciate the power of truth. Sure, sometimes impulses overpower us, but the truth is always available, and the healing power is probably all-encompassing, and the best thing about truth is that it’s free.
The dichotomy between free truth and expensive therapy can be illustrated by how so many things in life are free. Want the benefits of cold therapy? You could pay a lot of money to go into an expensive cryo-chamber, which feels luxurious and probably a bit more comfortable, or you can just take a cold shower or jump into a lake. You could get a brainwave alteration device to train you to reach the alpha-frequency of your brain so you can feel more relaxed, or you can just sit down and meditate. Want to detox your body? You could buy tons of fancy “detox” supplements, or just drink more water, perhaps do a fast, and let the body do its thing.
It’s tragic to see so many people, many characters in this book included, spend year after year in expensive therapy and rehab only to drown themselves in self-help talk… It's all mental masturbation. Take for example Adam, by all appearances he was addicted to rehab itself, and he never actually ended his miserable marriage, even though that would solve all his problems and render rehab unnecessary.
Strauss didn’t need to have a therapist guide him into a hypnotic trance to shout at his imaginary mother. He could have done that in real life, for free, and got even better results. He could have exposed the crippling secret to his father, and voilá, you’ve reduced your suffering as if by magic, by saying the sacred words of truth.
I’m going through the pains of describing this because I’m terrified people are losing their moral agency. Strauss ended his book by giving a list of therapists, which are, in my opinion, only an unnecessary, albeit potentially helpful node between you and “the truth.” I’m afraid people are going to read this and think “well, I can’t afford therapy like Strauss, I don’t have access to the best therapists in L.A like Strauss, so maybe I can change once I can afford it.”
Freedom is free if you want it, truth will set you free, and truth is free. You don’t need to pay anyone to have the permission to say it. You don’t need to dig up your past-- you don’t need to have a master’s degree in psychobabble and attachment theory. What matters is what you decide to do now.
Reading the book, While he reminds me a lot myself, and as I’m tempted to slap Strauss, I have to remind myself I’m equally idiotic, but still, I’m somewhat astounded by Strauss’ immaturity, especially as he must’ve been around the age of 40-45 in the events of the book. And he has a moral compass like a thirteen-year-old, thinking it’s a good idea to lie, deceive, keep secrets, or at the very least, does not dare to do these things.
But on reflection, I don’t think I can blame him for moral immaturity. The majority of so-called progressive “sexperts” recommend fantasizing about different partners, and the best-selling sex authors such as Esther Perel, for example, in her book “Mating in Captivity” recommended keeping infidelity secret as long as you can. Even Sam Harris, the atheistic champion of upright moral values and truth, says it’s probably not commendable to tell your partner about an affair if it’s been long in the past and the relationship is working fine. Hell, even Plato, the father of Western thought, promoted the idea of the “Noble Lie” in one of the most influential books of the West, The Republic.
Given this, I think lying is perhaps not only due to moral immaturity, but also a poor education. I am not, by the way, trying to attack Strauss here. He has, through this book, exposed himself in the family in the name of the healing power of truth, and I think Strauss has benefited massively from this and has made a remarkable transformation.
My point… or my fear rather, is, again, that Strauss portrayed the ability to be truthful as an earned ability through rehab and therapy. And while therapy certainly has its merit, the amount of emphasis Strauss put on it in the book, I think is potentially dangerous.
While I’m glad Strauss made such a transformation, it’s clear to me that he still isn’t all-in in terms of truth. The book’s subtle inauthenticity itself reflects this fact. Strauss is a clever businessman, and he earns a lot of money from men who want to transform.
While Strauss is probably my favorite author, I seriously dislike him as a person. Which is strange to say. I can’t stand people who are narcissistic and talk about self-help all day long… it bugs the hell out of me. Strauss is the type of person who isn’t actually interested in other people, and I feel like a lot of the time, he threw people under the bus just to make the book more interesting. Strauss is the type of person who betrays people for the sake of a book. I seriously dislike him, but having said that, his dedication to his craft, malicious as it may be, has also a positive side to it as well, I can’t say anything else that the book is great.
I don’t mean, by the way, to reduce all moral questions down to “telling the truth,” rendering all determinism-type healing types, e.g. rehab, therapy, psychopharmacological, invalid. That’s not my point. I don’t mean to say everything good in life is free of charge, even though the vast majority of it is. You have to pay for food. And paid mentors and teachers can genuinely speed up your progress. My point, yet again, is that, like Jordan Peterson said so eloquently, lying is an underdiagnosed cause of mental illness. Meaning that moral action, that which is available to you right in this very moment, free of charge, is becoming underrated and swept under the carpet, and I’m terrified people are losing their sense of free-will-agency and the healing power of moral action, and instead are throwing money down in expensive therapy centers in L.A, (who may or may not have an affiliation with Strauss. Although Strauss’ own program obviously has that affiliation) and is just a round-about, less-effective way of becoming honest through a “safe space” and “imaginative play,” hypnosis, and an endless cascade of models, theories and clever fortune-cookie quotes.
As a final remark on the topic, one might argue that if Strauss told Ingrid about the cheating, the fantasies, his desires, his porn use, his texting of girls, and the list goes on, it would not be as if he magically healed his childhood complexes. You might say telling the truth and therapy are qualitatively different ways of healing, and therapy and understanding are necessary. For example, without the professional guidance, he would not have figured out that his mother wanted to be in a relationship with him and deliberately sabotaged him, he would not have figured out he was “enmeshed” and therefore clueless as to how to go about healing it.
I don’t dismiss the value of understanding - but two things. First, what constitutes the vast majority of problems in relationships is dishonesty, secrets, lies, etc. The second is that the “faith in truth” so to say, bleeds over to all parts of your mind. Repression, trauma, etc. are based on lies, self-deception, subconsciously-voluntary blindspots. Once you dig out the lies in your life, one by one, you by necessity, go deeper and deeper. I’m reluctant to give examples of the mechanics of this, because all I know is that truth works, but exactly how is hypothetical in different situations, so take it with a grain of salt, but in Strauss’ example it could hypothetically work out something like this… with Ingrid she’d be mad and insecure by his fantasies of her friend, but as a result of Strauss revealing his fantasies and getting gradually accepted, he feels free and the fantasies vanish into thin air, as it’s not boiling under the tight lid of secrecy, or he might continue to have them, but because of the increasing trust between them for having shared his fantasies voluntarily, he can speak openly about the increasing lust and desire, and they can figure out a solution together. With his family, he could tell his father that he and his mother knew about the cripple-porn, and let the hell break loose, and take it from there. He has now defied his mother and can now stand up against her, which is the source of power for all the internal bonding issues he has.
Despite that rather heavy critique, I do believe this book contains a lot of wisdom-- and I think it’s helpful and inspiring in many ways. It was fascinating to see the connections made between childhood trauma and barriers of intimacy and authenticity, and so it’s loaded with psychological insights. I absolutely loved the commentary on polyamory, for example, on how “Lawrence” commented that a certain group of New Age-Polyamourous people just call “sex” for “tantra,” which is the same thing, but they want to remove the cultural baggage of the word “sex.” They have also decided to rename “pussy” to some weird word, “Yoni.” And the comment that there is an emphasis on spirituality in the orgies because women need to feel a sense of “connection” with sex, and if it’s not emotional, spirituality takes its place. Lots of interesting things like that here. His attempts at polyamory were also insightful and hilarious, and the underground orgy scene was eye-opening.
Strauss’ marriage lasted for five years, apparently on good terms. Despite his radical honesty in this book, I doubt he will ever publicly say what happened, now that he has a child of his own and that he’s profiting off being the “good guy” now.
Quotes:
“Lying is about controlling someone else's reality.”
“If you’d committed to always telling her the truth in the first place, you would have thought twice before cheating on her.” -Rick Rubin
“What I’m saying is that if you have true intimacy with your partner, you won’t need to seek sex outside the relationships” - That psycho rehab chick
“We’re not here because we had sex. We’re here because we lied, because we wanted sex so badly that we violated our own moral values.” - From the sex addiction centre
“But these guys seem more like next-level pickup artists, coming to these conferences with the intention of sucking any available women into their powerful reality” - Strauss talking about spiritual polyamorous groups recruiting women for sex parties.
“Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”
“Where there is reactivity, there is a wound.”
“The stupid fucking front seat. The modern automobile was clearly designed by monogamists.”
“Upstairs, there’s a fucking machine (Not a fucking machine, but a fucking machine-- a dildo powered by a piston engine.) An asian girl lies in front of it as a large hippie woman I recognize from the polyamory conference turns it on, then massages the girl’s breasts as she gets robo-fucked” -Strauss…. If only Aldous Huxley were alive to witness this.
“No one can make you feel anything and you don’t make anyone feel a certain way. So don’t take on responsibility for your partner’s feelings and don’t blame your partner for yours.”
“I wonder if I give off an enmeshment pheromone that attracts abandoned women. Or if it’s just that the majority of fathers are so shitty that most women have been abandoned by them in some way.” -Strauss
“It’s tragic. The wounds that humans get are so strong that they’re like robots operating on childhood programming. And even if they learn the truth about themselves and therapy and rehab, they still cling to their false beliefs and make choices that don’t serve them--- over and over again.” -Good ol’ Rick Rubin to the rescue
Edit: right after posting this review I see an ad on Instagram that proves my point... either it's tracking my keystrokes on my computer or the phenomenon I'm describing is real, either way, not good.
I have a confession to make, I don’t like reading books… they tend to make me tired and I have to force myself to read because it’s so helpful for me. So far in my life, only three books have truly captivated me to the point I got hooked and didn’t want to stop reading. The first was Neil Strauss’ The Game, the second was When Nietzsche Wept by Irvin Yalom, and the third was The Truth, again by Neil Strauss. Even though I don’t actually like Strauss, which I’ll come back to later, I have to admit he’s my favorite writer. He's so good at it, that he could make a dull day seem extremely interesting and funny. Combining his fantastic writing skills and dedication to the craft with the fact he had truly exciting stories to tell, he’s a writer who can change the course of dating.
The book is something that is, unfortunately, of its kind when it comes to relatability. Strauss describes the difficulties of shaking off his hard-learned pickup skills once he is in a relationship. After getting caught cheating on his girlfriend, he decided to go to sex addiction rehab, after he got out, he continued his old habits with the girl who had forgiven him, and he thought that monogamy wasn’t for him... And he decided to go on an adventure to try polyamory. After a couple years of, he concluded that it his childhood trauma that was making him so unsatisfied, and went into extensive therapy, which transformed him into being capable of monogamy, and then finally ended up having kids and getting married.
The book puts a heavy emphasis on attachment styles and the way parents and childhood trauma block us from true intimacy. Strauss was exposed to an abusive, narcissistic mother, who was “devouring him,” Oedipus-style. He was “enmeshed” by her. And his trauma made him unable to commit to a woman.
The book is raw, brutally honest, functions as an exposé of his abusive family, well-written, interesting, and funny. I like that Strauss was struggling and giving up a defense against the notion that he’s incessantly chasing sex due to childhood trauma, and truly explores biological, evolutionary, and other miscellaneous non-pathological perspectives of his behavior and desires.
However, I can’t seem to notice that Strauss was not 100% authentic in his writing, despite the brutal self-deprecation and exposing himself as a liar and cheater, which very few people would have done in the first place. In many parts, I felt like Strauss was playing naive and too easily persuaded. Strauss lost me a couple of times, I mean, he’s the author of The Game, he’s well-read and intelligent, and he has had his elbows in the mud for a long time. I can’t help but feel he was telling a fictional story at points to make a narrative, but it’s not entirely authentic.
There was also so much detailed dialog that I sometimes wondered if Strauss was walking around with a tape recorder wherever he went. And that’s the thing. Sometimes I feel like Strauss was doing things just for the book.
Nevertheless, it’s a captivating story, it’s heartbreaking in that Strauss reveals his narcissistic abusive mother, and it’s heartwarming that he managed to overcome his traumas and improve the quality of his relationships through therapy.
I’d like to point out something which is not exactly a criticism of Neil, because as the title of the book is appropriately named “The Truth,” the entire quest of the book is based upon the value of honesty. But nevertheless, I find it crucial to mention, because I’m terrified of the rise of determinism, in this case, childhood determinism, and that moralism is becoming passé.
When Neil got out of sex addiction rehab in the first round, his ex-girlfriend, Ingrid, decided to give him another chance. Before her visited him in rehab, he masturbated to the fantasy of having a threesome with his fellow inmates, of course, that had no need to be mentioned. Immediately getting back together, he had problems getting it up in the shower, and he didn’t want to disappoint her, so he decided to fantasize about the women on the airplane to make himself hard. Later, he was masturbating to porn, and as Ingrid got up and asked him about him he made a lame excuse “I thought you were sleeping.” Continuing this pattern, he momentarily slips and sends a welcoming text message to a girl who has shown interest in him. He had stopped texting all other girls, except Belle. Of course, there’s always a Belle… after the chaos that ensued, Neil realized that he wasn’t fit for monogamy and decided on a journey into polyamory, and a bucketload of therapy probably costing more than $100k in total. As a result, he was now “healed” from the childhood trauma that caused him to make stupid decisions and lie, and now he was ready to get married.
Immediately getting back together with Ingrid, after all this time, he had been cured from his “avoidant” attachment style, while she was still in her “anxious” attachment style, so he decided to heal her by cashing out on intensive therapy, and voila, a happy marriage. And then we have a list of recommended therapists on his website.
Now, I don’t doubt that therapy is highly effective and legitimately healing, I think Strauss did go through a genuine transformation with the help of understanding his childhood trauma and being determined to heal himself from it. I don’t think a lot of people do that, so hats off to Strauss, and congratulations.
But my caveat is that we have to put in free-will back into the picture here, to balance things out. I think people, Americans especially, are becoming obsessed with this childhood trauma thing, as an explanation of their behavior, forgetting that they actually have free will.
Here’s the thing, when Neil got out of rehab, he could have done something else that fantasized about another woman in the shower. But he didn’t. But still, after that, he could have told his partner about it afterward, which would have “set him free.” But he didn’t. When Ingrid asked him about the porn, he didn’t have to make a deceptive, lame excuse. He didn’t have to respond to Belle. But still, even if he made a momentary slip-up, he could have still told Ingrid about it. But he didn’t. Backtrack some time, Neil contemplated whether or not he should tell Ingrid about his cheating, the wise Rick Rubin, who functions as his Master Oogway in this story, tells him that he should tell the truth, but Neil decides against it, and he is eventually caught.
Here’s the thing, every step along the way was a choice made out of free-will. He was caught in a cascade of lies not because of his childhood trauma, but because he didn’t appreciate the power of truth. Sure, sometimes impulses overpower us, but the truth is always available, and the healing power is probably all-encompassing, and the best thing about truth is that it’s free.
The dichotomy between free truth and expensive therapy can be illustrated by how so many things in life are free. Want the benefits of cold therapy? You could pay a lot of money to go into an expensive cryo-chamber, which feels luxurious and probably a bit more comfortable, or you can just take a cold shower or jump into a lake. You could get a brainwave alteration device to train you to reach the alpha-frequency of your brain so you can feel more relaxed, or you can just sit down and meditate. Want to detox your body? You could buy tons of fancy “detox” supplements, or just drink more water, perhaps do a fast, and let the body do its thing.
It’s tragic to see so many people, many characters in this book included, spend year after year in expensive therapy and rehab only to drown themselves in self-help talk… It's all mental masturbation. Take for example Adam, by all appearances he was addicted to rehab itself, and he never actually ended his miserable marriage, even though that would solve all his problems and render rehab unnecessary.
Strauss didn’t need to have a therapist guide him into a hypnotic trance to shout at his imaginary mother. He could have done that in real life, for free, and got even better results. He could have exposed the crippling secret to his father, and voilá, you’ve reduced your suffering as if by magic, by saying the sacred words of truth.
I’m going through the pains of describing this because I’m terrified people are losing their moral agency. Strauss ended his book by giving a list of therapists, which are, in my opinion, only an unnecessary, albeit potentially helpful node between you and “the truth.” I’m afraid people are going to read this and think “well, I can’t afford therapy like Strauss, I don’t have access to the best therapists in L.A like Strauss, so maybe I can change once I can afford it.”
Freedom is free if you want it, truth will set you free, and truth is free. You don’t need to pay anyone to have the permission to say it. You don’t need to dig up your past-- you don’t need to have a master’s degree in psychobabble and attachment theory. What matters is what you decide to do now.
Reading the book, While he reminds me a lot myself, and as I’m tempted to slap Strauss, I have to remind myself I’m equally idiotic, but still, I’m somewhat astounded by Strauss’ immaturity, especially as he must’ve been around the age of 40-45 in the events of the book. And he has a moral compass like a thirteen-year-old, thinking it’s a good idea to lie, deceive, keep secrets, or at the very least, does not dare to do these things.
But on reflection, I don’t think I can blame him for moral immaturity. The majority of so-called progressive “sexperts” recommend fantasizing about different partners, and the best-selling sex authors such as Esther Perel, for example, in her book “Mating in Captivity” recommended keeping infidelity secret as long as you can. Even Sam Harris, the atheistic champion of upright moral values and truth, says it’s probably not commendable to tell your partner about an affair if it’s been long in the past and the relationship is working fine. Hell, even Plato, the father of Western thought, promoted the idea of the “Noble Lie” in one of the most influential books of the West, The Republic.
Given this, I think lying is perhaps not only due to moral immaturity, but also a poor education. I am not, by the way, trying to attack Strauss here. He has, through this book, exposed himself in the family in the name of the healing power of truth, and I think Strauss has benefited massively from this and has made a remarkable transformation.
My point… or my fear rather, is, again, that Strauss portrayed the ability to be truthful as an earned ability through rehab and therapy. And while therapy certainly has its merit, the amount of emphasis Strauss put on it in the book, I think is potentially dangerous.
While I’m glad Strauss made such a transformation, it’s clear to me that he still isn’t all-in in terms of truth. The book’s subtle inauthenticity itself reflects this fact. Strauss is a clever businessman, and he earns a lot of money from men who want to transform.
While Strauss is probably my favorite author, I seriously dislike him as a person. Which is strange to say. I can’t stand people who are narcissistic and talk about self-help all day long… it bugs the hell out of me. Strauss is the type of person who isn’t actually interested in other people, and I feel like a lot of the time, he threw people under the bus just to make the book more interesting. Strauss is the type of person who betrays people for the sake of a book. I seriously dislike him, but having said that, his dedication to his craft, malicious as it may be, has also a positive side to it as well, I can’t say anything else that the book is great.
I don’t mean, by the way, to reduce all moral questions down to “telling the truth,” rendering all determinism-type healing types, e.g. rehab, therapy, psychopharmacological, invalid. That’s not my point. I don’t mean to say everything good in life is free of charge, even though the vast majority of it is. You have to pay for food. And paid mentors and teachers can genuinely speed up your progress. My point, yet again, is that, like Jordan Peterson said so eloquently, lying is an underdiagnosed cause of mental illness. Meaning that moral action, that which is available to you right in this very moment, free of charge, is becoming underrated and swept under the carpet, and I’m terrified people are losing their sense of free-will-agency and the healing power of moral action, and instead are throwing money down in expensive therapy centers in L.A, (who may or may not have an affiliation with Strauss. Although Strauss’ own program obviously has that affiliation) and is just a round-about, less-effective way of becoming honest through a “safe space” and “imaginative play,” hypnosis, and an endless cascade of models, theories and clever fortune-cookie quotes.
As a final remark on the topic, one might argue that if Strauss told Ingrid about the cheating, the fantasies, his desires, his porn use, his texting of girls, and the list goes on, it would not be as if he magically healed his childhood complexes. You might say telling the truth and therapy are qualitatively different ways of healing, and therapy and understanding are necessary. For example, without the professional guidance, he would not have figured out that his mother wanted to be in a relationship with him and deliberately sabotaged him, he would not have figured out he was “enmeshed” and therefore clueless as to how to go about healing it.
I don’t dismiss the value of understanding - but two things. First, what constitutes the vast majority of problems in relationships is dishonesty, secrets, lies, etc. The second is that the “faith in truth” so to say, bleeds over to all parts of your mind. Repression, trauma, etc. are based on lies, self-deception, subconsciously-voluntary blindspots. Once you dig out the lies in your life, one by one, you by necessity, go deeper and deeper. I’m reluctant to give examples of the mechanics of this, because all I know is that truth works, but exactly how is hypothetical in different situations, so take it with a grain of salt, but in Strauss’ example it could hypothetically work out something like this… with Ingrid she’d be mad and insecure by his fantasies of her friend, but as a result of Strauss revealing his fantasies and getting gradually accepted, he feels free and the fantasies vanish into thin air, as it’s not boiling under the tight lid of secrecy, or he might continue to have them, but because of the increasing trust between them for having shared his fantasies voluntarily, he can speak openly about the increasing lust and desire, and they can figure out a solution together. With his family, he could tell his father that he and his mother knew about the cripple-porn, and let the hell break loose, and take it from there. He has now defied his mother and can now stand up against her, which is the source of power for all the internal bonding issues he has.
Despite that rather heavy critique, I do believe this book contains a lot of wisdom-- and I think it’s helpful and inspiring in many ways. It was fascinating to see the connections made between childhood trauma and barriers of intimacy and authenticity, and so it’s loaded with psychological insights. I absolutely loved the commentary on polyamory, for example, on how “Lawrence” commented that a certain group of New Age-Polyamourous people just call “sex” for “tantra,” which is the same thing, but they want to remove the cultural baggage of the word “sex.” They have also decided to rename “pussy” to some weird word, “Yoni.” And the comment that there is an emphasis on spirituality in the orgies because women need to feel a sense of “connection” with sex, and if it’s not emotional, spirituality takes its place. Lots of interesting things like that here. His attempts at polyamory were also insightful and hilarious, and the underground orgy scene was eye-opening.
Strauss’ marriage lasted for five years, apparently on good terms. Despite his radical honesty in this book, I doubt he will ever publicly say what happened, now that he has a child of his own and that he’s profiting off being the “good guy” now.
Quotes:
“Lying is about controlling someone else's reality.”
“If you’d committed to always telling her the truth in the first place, you would have thought twice before cheating on her.” -Rick Rubin
“What I’m saying is that if you have true intimacy with your partner, you won’t need to seek sex outside the relationships” - That psycho rehab chick
“We’re not here because we had sex. We’re here because we lied, because we wanted sex so badly that we violated our own moral values.” - From the sex addiction centre
“But these guys seem more like next-level pickup artists, coming to these conferences with the intention of sucking any available women into their powerful reality” - Strauss talking about spiritual polyamorous groups recruiting women for sex parties.
“Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”
“Where there is reactivity, there is a wound.”
“The stupid fucking front seat. The modern automobile was clearly designed by monogamists.”
“Upstairs, there’s a fucking machine (Not a fucking machine, but a fucking machine-- a dildo powered by a piston engine.) An asian girl lies in front of it as a large hippie woman I recognize from the polyamory conference turns it on, then massages the girl’s breasts as she gets robo-fucked” -Strauss…. If only Aldous Huxley were alive to witness this.
“No one can make you feel anything and you don’t make anyone feel a certain way. So don’t take on responsibility for your partner’s feelings and don’t blame your partner for yours.”
“I wonder if I give off an enmeshment pheromone that attracts abandoned women. Or if it’s just that the majority of fathers are so shitty that most women have been abandoned by them in some way.” -Strauss
“It’s tragic. The wounds that humans get are so strong that they’re like robots operating on childhood programming. And even if they learn the truth about themselves and therapy and rehab, they still cling to their false beliefs and make choices that don’t serve them--- over and over again.” -Good ol’ Rick Rubin to the rescue
Edit: right after posting this review I see an ad on Instagram that proves my point... either it's tracking my keystrokes on my computer or the phenomenon I'm describing is real, either way, not good.
iancarpenter's review against another edition
2.0
Work reading: He's a really good writer but I don't think this book is for anyone but those immersed in a struggle with monogamy and relationships. On that front he is shockingly honest and goes deep. The strongest moments happen most often in group therapy when he faces down his failings and fears and the awful parenting that got him there.
ildottore's review against another edition
adventurous
funny
informative
lighthearted
relaxing
fast-paced
3.0
angus_mckeogh's review against another edition
3.0
Pretty good. Starts out funny and thought-provoking as you follow Strauss through his journey into multiple relationships and sex addiction therapy. There’s even a brief interlude where he tries living in a commune. However, as the book wore on it tended to get repetitive and the last quarter was slathered in cheese. Quasi-relationship therapy book masquerading as a story. Entertaining but I’d still say the best book by him that I’ve read is Emergency.
jeff_finley's review against another edition
5.0
One of the BEST books on relationships I've ever read. I'm recently divorced after a 12 year monogamous relationship and have been reading a lot about polyamory so it was awesome to see Neil go out and try it for himself. I felt like it helped me heal so many limiting beliefs of my own about sex and love. I loved this book. I wrote a lengthy blog post about my feelings over at http://makermistaker.com/the-truth
moi_stephanie's review against another edition
4.0
Took this book with a pinch of salt after reading some reviews when I was 1/3 in. Didn't really read it looking for couple advice, so I guess it doesn't really matter to me that the guy got divorced a couple of years after this?
Pretty enjoyable read to at least show you some of the ways people choose to live and how monogamy isn't the only way
Pretty enjoyable read to at least show you some of the ways people choose to live and how monogamy isn't the only way
timverbergt's review against another edition
5.0
A well written, amazing story packed with life lessons and sometimes very confronting. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
jpmaguire2's review against another edition
5.0
Excellent insights into relationships and the things that can make or break them. Mr. Strauss masterfully weaves wisdom and narrative.
jong972's review against another edition
5.0
Great read for anyone who is confused or unsure about relationships and whether or not monogamy is worthwhile. This book also makes you think a lot about your own childhood upbringing and how it can affect your current or future relationships.