jenjen7824's review against another edition
4.0
If anything this book showed me how strong my marriage is. Great handbook for anyone looking to improve their marriage.
bookowl88's review against another edition
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced
4.5
I really learned a lot from this book! I borrowed my copy from the library but after reading it I realized that I need to purchase my own copy! It’s that good! One of the things I loved about it was that it wasn’t about putting men and women into two separate groups with a different set of rules to follow based on gender. Instead this book looked at how to practically show both partners respect, care, compassion, honor and love.
One part in particular I disagreed with. Particularly the encouragement to approach someone with a complaint using a “soft” start up. I do agree it’s important to approach your partner with respect and be gentle in the way it’s handled. But this method also encourages the person who is trying to bring up a problem to take responsibility for the part they played in something even if they didn’t really have a part at all. The example used was a man who forgot to pick up his kids from school. The wife was encouraged to apologize for not reminding him as she broached the conversation or look for another way to take some blame before moving forward with the complaint. I found it to be encouraging one to be manipulative in the way you approach someone to soften the blow of whatever complaint you have. I prefer to be direct and clear and I’m definitely not apologizing for something that I didn’t do to “butter” someone up.
All together though, I thoroughly enjoyed overall theme of the book which was that in order to have a successful marriage people need to go back to focusing on their friendship with eachother. There were a ton of practical assessments to do and exercises to follow up with. Read this one book! I’m at a good one!
One part in particular I disagreed with. Particularly the encouragement to approach someone with a complaint using a “soft” start up. I do agree it’s important to approach your partner with respect and be gentle in the way it’s handled. But this method also encourages the person who is trying to bring up a problem to take responsibility for the part they played in something even if they didn’t really have a part at all. The example used was a man who forgot to pick up his kids from school. The wife was encouraged to apologize for not reminding him as she broached the conversation or look for another way to take some blame before moving forward with the complaint. I found it to be encouraging one to be manipulative in the way you approach someone to soften the blow of whatever complaint you have. I prefer to be direct and clear and I’m definitely not apologizing for something that I didn’t do to “butter” someone up.
All together though, I thoroughly enjoyed overall theme of the book which was that in order to have a successful marriage people need to go back to focusing on their friendship with eachother. There were a ton of practical assessments to do and exercises to follow up with. Read this one book! I’m at a good one!
shelbykuz's review against another edition
hopeful
inspiring
medium-paced
4.5
I really liked this book and understood it!
mithrilreads's review against another edition
5.0
I borrowed it from the library and ended up telling my husband we needed a copy. I have read a LOT of swill in my search for marriage enhancement and problem-solving advice. Most marriage and relationship books have left me disillusioned: Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, Love and Respect, and The Alpha Female's Guide to a Happy Marriage (or something like that title) to name a few. All basically wanted to gender role enforce and say if for example I just put my head in my purse when I got home and let my husband be the king, he would just naturally make the best decisions for our house. So - there's that. Imagine my joy when Gottman, quoted in multiple books that I highly recommend, comes in with data and research. Imagine the joy of practical case studies we can sit down and do to de-escalate and de-personalize issues we might be facing. Imagine him going so far as to say the REAL secret in those gender-enforcing books is when the husband (who usually has the highest privilege here in the states due to being a man) lets go of power and allows his wife to influence him and listens to her and respects her input. EVEN in very tight religious circles he studied, IF those very patriarchal marriages were happy, it was about the two of them having equal input even if the wife wasn't allowed by her scripture to vote! AT LAST its not about me learning to submit and not have a brain. My husband didn't want to marry someone who would cow to him, but wanting an egalitarian marriage means we needed help to 'decolonize' the patriarchal norms and ... I needed help too not passing down the defensive behaviors I learned growing up. In sum, yes, the author is confident, so what. Yes these include activities and a reader COULD choose not to do them, its not a book flaw - that's a reader choice. There is a lot here to work with for both men and women. I know its heteronormative and maybe he can change that for the next edition - but I also dont know if he has studied homosexual marriages and couples and will have similar findings when there is not a gender and/or sex difference in the couples. He even admits that in general the trends in marriage are toward the woman having biologically better ability to have distress than men but admits we might not all fit into that. Its the best I've read so far and my husband is looking forward to reading it. Either way, I'm getting some scripted examples of how to communicate better and how to talk about hard issues. 2 thumbs up here.