valouis13's review against another edition
5.0
One of the best memoirs I have read. She is an incredible writer that tells her story in the most engaging way. Usually memoirs tell a fascinating story but the writing isn’t the best. This is both excellent writing & an incredible story. I also really liked her discussion of paternity ethics & struggles with fertility. Highly recommend!
hgranger's review against another edition
2.0
I struggled with the rating on this book for several reasons: first of all, I do love Shapiro's writing style. It's clever without being pretentious and she comes across as an interesting and smart woman. Second, she is dealing with emotions for which I have no frame of reference, having never experienced anything like what she went through. Because I don't know what it would be like, I feel like I'm judging her unfairly by not liking the book more. I did appreciate the insights into the journey she went through and the glimpse into what her reality was like when she found out.
With that said, there were several things that really bothered me about the book.
1. The descriptions of her mom. I haven't read any of her other books, so I only have limited insight into her mother's personality and perhaps everything she describes is entirely accurate. Even so, I feel like she doesn't give her mom a fair shake. They obviously had a strained relationship, but it's as if her mom can't do anything right. If she isn't there, then she is neglectful. When she tells people how proud she is of Dani and how lucky she feels to have her, it means she's possessive. The letter to the camp, while wildly overbearing and probably embarrassing to the kid, seemed like a mother who cared and was worried about sending her only child away to camp, not a mother who only cares about herself. The story about how her mom screamed at Dani during a fight when she was a teenager, that she gave birth to her could be a sign of how narcissistic she was--or it could be a frustrated mom at her wits end dealing with a smart, know-it-all teenager and losing her cool.
2. What seems like her lack of understand why her parents didn't tell her. It was a different time, which she does touch on, but it also seems like a difficult thing to bring up. Her father loved her deeply, and perhaps they didn't bring it up because for all intents and purposes, he WAS her dad. Which leads me to how it bugged me that biology came across as the absolute most important factor in a familial relationship. Yes, surely it's disturbing and disconcerting now knowing where you came from, especially when it comes as such a shock in your fifties. But LOVE makes a family too, and her "social" dad was there for her, raised her, taught her about religion and family history...It bothers me that for most of the book, the message is that all that is less important than biology. (Towards the end, she does seem to embrace both sides of her story).
3. The entire issue of being Jewish. Her mom was Jewish, so she is Jewish. Period. That's how that works in Judaism. This gets a super short mention about halfway through the book, but for the remaining 250ish pages it is repeated over and over again how she should have known all along that she was different/ other/ wasn't really Jewish because she is blond -- and people said she didn't look Jewish. Uhm, what? There are MANY blond Jews. Also, someone saying you don't "look Jewish" is rude. He (or she) is assuming that all Jews look the same, which very quickly leads down a path to stereotyping and prejudice. Furthermore, being the only blond kid in a family of dark-haired people happens, and doesn't have to mean anything untoward has happened. (We've got one of those blondies in my husband's family of black-haired Jews as a matter of fact. And she truly is his full sister; they also did the testing...). This brings me to my last point. Somewhere in the book she briefly mentions confirmation bias. Then she proceeds full steam ahead with her confirmation biased views of her childhood. She always knew, the signs were there, she felt different, and look it was true all along. I would imagine she isn't the only kid who has looked at other families and wished to be in those instead of their own, hoping perhaps that the imperfect parents who you're living with actually adopted you, and your real family (royal of course) will find you one day. Also, kids who are unsupervised wish to have their parents around more, while kids who have them around more can feel smothered. In parenting, unless you're evil/ purposely hurtful, most of the time is spent trying to guess which choice is better and feeling like maybe you guessed wrong. This is evident even when she looks at videos of the Walden family and envies their closeness and happiness, without knowing at all what the rest of their life looked like. I feel that because it turned out that she really was different from her family, she took every emotion and experience as evidence that she knew all along, although it could just as easily have gone the other way.
Ok, that was lengthy. Apparently I was more bothered than I initially thought I was. Again, despite my misgivings about this book, I did like her style of writing though and would consider reading something else of hers.
With that said, there were several things that really bothered me about the book.
1. The descriptions of her mom. I haven't read any of her other books, so I only have limited insight into her mother's personality and perhaps everything she describes is entirely accurate. Even so, I feel like she doesn't give her mom a fair shake. They obviously had a strained relationship, but it's as if her mom can't do anything right. If she isn't there, then she is neglectful. When she tells people how proud she is of Dani and how lucky she feels to have her, it means she's possessive. The letter to the camp, while wildly overbearing and probably embarrassing to the kid, seemed like a mother who cared and was worried about sending her only child away to camp, not a mother who only cares about herself. The story about how her mom screamed at Dani during a fight when she was a teenager, that she gave birth to her could be a sign of how narcissistic she was--or it could be a frustrated mom at her wits end dealing with a smart, know-it-all teenager and losing her cool.
2. What seems like her lack of understand why her parents didn't tell her. It was a different time, which she does touch on, but it also seems like a difficult thing to bring up. Her father loved her deeply, and perhaps they didn't bring it up because for all intents and purposes, he WAS her dad. Which leads me to how it bugged me that biology came across as the absolute most important factor in a familial relationship. Yes, surely it's disturbing and disconcerting now knowing where you came from, especially when it comes as such a shock in your fifties. But LOVE makes a family too, and her "social" dad was there for her, raised her, taught her about religion and family history...It bothers me that for most of the book, the message is that all that is less important than biology. (Towards the end, she does seem to embrace both sides of her story).
3. The entire issue of being Jewish. Her mom was Jewish, so she is Jewish. Period. That's how that works in Judaism. This gets a super short mention about halfway through the book, but for the remaining 250ish pages it is repeated over and over again how she should have known all along that she was different/ other/ wasn't really Jewish because she is blond -- and people said she didn't look Jewish. Uhm, what? There are MANY blond Jews. Also, someone saying you don't "look Jewish" is rude. He (or she) is assuming that all Jews look the same, which very quickly leads down a path to stereotyping and prejudice. Furthermore, being the only blond kid in a family of dark-haired people happens, and doesn't have to mean anything untoward has happened. (We've got one of those blondies in my husband's family of black-haired Jews as a matter of fact. And she truly is his full sister; they also did the testing...). This brings me to my last point. Somewhere in the book she briefly mentions confirmation bias. Then she proceeds full steam ahead with her confirmation biased views of her childhood. She always knew, the signs were there, she felt different, and look it was true all along. I would imagine she isn't the only kid who has looked at other families and wished to be in those instead of their own, hoping perhaps that the imperfect parents who you're living with actually adopted you, and your real family (royal of course) will find you one day. Also, kids who are unsupervised wish to have their parents around more, while kids who have them around more can feel smothered. In parenting, unless you're evil/ purposely hurtful, most of the time is spent trying to guess which choice is better and feeling like maybe you guessed wrong. This is evident even when she looks at videos of the Walden family and envies their closeness and happiness, without knowing at all what the rest of their life looked like. I feel that because it turned out that she really was different from her family, she took every emotion and experience as evidence that she knew all along, although it could just as easily have gone the other way.
Ok, that was lengthy. Apparently I was more bothered than I initially thought I was. Again, despite my misgivings about this book, I did like her style of writing though and would consider reading something else of hers.
katreadsalot's review against another edition
4.0
A moving, beautifully written story. This felt like a story Shapiro was born to write. It asked such important questions about sperm donation, presenting what I felt was a realistic and complicated picture. What I am left with most strongly is the sense of how love can bring someone into being.
rovwade's review against another edition
challenging
dark
emotional
informative
mysterious
reflective
sad
fast-paced
5.0
rissaleighs's review against another edition
4.0
Dani Shapiro discovered a family secret that fractured her sense of personal identity to the bedrock. In this memoir, she walks through the discovery process--which is fascinating and timely, involving social media and DNA websites--and also the aftermath, the weaving of a new narrative and a new peace.
Her writing voice is insightful yet personable, and I found this one of the more unputdownable (even though quiet) reads I've had in awhile. I can't wait to get my hands on her backlist!
Thanks to the Penguins First Reads program for a digital ARC!
Her writing voice is insightful yet personable, and I found this one of the more unputdownable (even though quiet) reads I've had in awhile. I can't wait to get my hands on her backlist!
Thanks to the Penguins First Reads program for a digital ARC!
dr_manuela_reads's review against another edition
1.0
This author has written FIVE memoirs! She is only in her mid to late 50s!
I start by pointing this out to say this memoir is about when she discovers that the father who raised her is not her biological father. It traces her finding her biological father and the turmoil, trauma associated with that.
She writes beautifully and I found her through her podcast “Family Secrets”. I found two issues very upsetting: a parent is one only through biology and her total lack of awareness of her privilege. I can’t count the number of times she questions that she is no longer the daughter of the man who raised her because she is not biologically his daughter. Despite saying she loved and adored the man who raised her she seems to forget about why she feels this the minute she finds he is not biologically her dad - she has all these feelings because he raised her not because of the biology he did or did not pass on to her!
Now on to her privilege and total lack of awareness about this. She is the epitome of privilege and she never once acknowledges it. I recognize the point of book is her story of dealing with finding out about her biological father but the only reason she got there so quickly is because of the access she has to very influential people and not once does she acknowledge this.
I am not sure I will read any of her other books and certainly not any of her other memoirs. I just don’t care to know more about her. I just don’t care to read about authors who cannot acknowledge their privilege. I have a sense her books are all about her finding herself and I just don’t care. I don’t care about reading about a rich white woman finding herself.
I start by pointing this out to say this memoir is about when she discovers that the father who raised her is not her biological father. It traces her finding her biological father and the turmoil, trauma associated with that.
She writes beautifully and I found her through her podcast “Family Secrets”. I found two issues very upsetting: a parent is one only through biology and her total lack of awareness of her privilege. I can’t count the number of times she questions that she is no longer the daughter of the man who raised her because she is not biologically his daughter. Despite saying she loved and adored the man who raised her she seems to forget about why she feels this the minute she finds he is not biologically her dad - she has all these feelings because he raised her not because of the biology he did or did not pass on to her!
Now on to her privilege and total lack of awareness about this. She is the epitome of privilege and she never once acknowledges it. I recognize the point of book is her story of dealing with finding out about her biological father but the only reason she got there so quickly is because of the access she has to very influential people and not once does she acknowledge this.
I am not sure I will read any of her other books and certainly not any of her other memoirs. I just don’t care to know more about her. I just don’t care to read about authors who cannot acknowledge their privilege. I have a sense her books are all about her finding herself and I just don’t care. I don’t care about reading about a rich white woman finding herself.
irma_sincera's review against another edition
reflective
fast-paced
3.5
Autorė būdama jau virš penkiasdešimties pasidarė visiems prieinamą, populiarujį DNA testą ir sužinojo, kad jos biologinis tėvas yra ne tas, kas ją užaugino. Taip prasidėjo jos paieškos ir savęs atradimas iš naujo. Overall įdomūs memuarai, greitai ir įtraukiančiai susiskaitė. Vietomis privertė save pastatyti į jos vietą ir pagalvoti, kiek supurtytų viską kas atrodė pažįstama, sužinojus tokią naujieną.
Kabliukų knyga turėjo, bet negaliu kaltint autorės, kad knyga buvo labai self-centered, kai tai yra memuarų žanras. Aš gal tikėjausi daugiau bendrosios info įpintos apie geneologiją ir t.t. Bet visko centre buvo tik ji, o su jos pasisakymais ne visada sutikau, bet tai JOS memuarai ir reikia priimti ir suprasti tai.
Kabliukų knyga turėjo, bet negaliu kaltint autorės, kad knyga buvo labai self-centered, kai tai yra memuarų žanras. Aš gal tikėjausi daugiau bendrosios info įpintos apie geneologiją ir t.t. Bet visko centre buvo tik ji, o su jos pasisakymais ne visada sutikau, bet tai JOS memuarai ir reikia priimti ir suprasti tai.
zhelana's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
medium-paced
3.0
I wasn't entirely sure what to make of this book. On the one hand, I wanted her to meet her biological father and get her answers about her and her son's medical history. I wanted her to form a relationship with this man and have an older adult in her life. On the other hand, I wanted to shake her and yell "you have a man who loves you and wanted you in his life enough to use another man's sperm to create you. He has loved you your whole life and treated you well. OF COURSE HE IS YOUR FATHER no matter what the DNA says." I think my desire to shake her outweighs my desire to see her get some kind of weird closure. This book does bring up an interesting point about sperm and egg donors now, though. If anyone in your family ever does a 23and me or ancestry test, your information is out there and you can be found. There is no longer such a thing as anonymity for donors. And there may be no way for parents to hide the fact that their children were born using donors as more and more people turn to genetics to find where they fit in the world. It's a problem someone will have to deal with in the future.
risabella's review against another edition
5.0
Damn. This one hurt. Exploring one's identity and what it means to be your father's daughter. Or not. Journeying with Dani from the innocent beginnings of a paternity test to the gruelling work of wanting to know the truth of her biological father. This was hard to listen to but so worth it.