A review by yuck1209
First, Become Ashes by K.M. Szpara

challenging dark emotional slow-paced
  • Plot- or character-driven? A mix
  • Strong character development? Yes
  • Loveable characters? It's complicated
  • Diverse cast of characters? Yes
  • Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

2.5

This book was deeply uncomfortable to read, and I’m honestly not sure what to say about it. Below are some random thoughts, but wanted to add a CW up top for: graphic sexual abuse, rape, consent violations, self-harm. 

  • I was going into this thinking the magic would be fake as heck and all be in Lark’s head.  Like a Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story deal, where he has to reconcile with it all being a lie. But then it IS real? There are moments where it totally seems made up (e.g., the car camouflage, the wards around Druid Hill) and then others where it’s actually happening (e.g., the magic circle and healing thing). And I’m not sure what to make of that. Or whether it adds to or detracts from the message on healing from trauma. 
  • I’m not big into true crime podcasts or anything like that. But I definitely think this book is NOT a great example of how to safely deprogram a bunch of traumatized, confused former cultists. Especially if you know their rituals depend on self-harm. Putting them in a hotel setting with ready access to potential weapons or escape tools? Letting them meet with one another unsupervised? Immediately demanding they testify without addressing their experiences or trying to level set or meet them where they’re at? The fact that Lark was able to break out relatively easily just seemed poorly thought-out by these apparent FBI agents. 
  • The wackiest tonal shifts in the book come from the transitions between dark cult shit and… cosplaying nerds. It felt like a 180 when we’re introduced to Calvin in his LOTR getup. And then it comes back in whenever Calvin’s clothes or conversation starters center on pop culture references (e.g., Pokémon, TMNT, and Harry Potter, of all things - I was a bit surprised by the latter since this was written in 2021 and Rowling’s TERFness had been well-documented by then). 
  • Speaking of Calvin… I took issue with this character. Like, I love sci fi and fantasy, too. Wishing magic is real is one thing. Letting that desire dictate your actions, enable Lark’s potential delusions, and putting people in very real danger is another. Calvin just felt very irresponsible to me; when Lillian calls him out, that was probably the only moment I could wholeheartedly root for one of the characters. 
  • Kane, Lark’s partner and the FBI informant, is another POV character. The only chapters from his perspective take place in the past, detailing his physical and sexual abuse at the hands of Nova and others in the Fellowship (including Lark, though I guess that’s due to coercion); it’s implied that this is all part of his FBI testimony, or at least that’s my interpretation with the “Confidential” stamp. Anyway, the SA and rape scenes are written in such a way that feels… almost voyeuristic? Gratuitous? Something about the language and detail around the acts felt off-putting to me. Side bar: for people raised in a cult (and who are forced to wear chastity belts) there’s a level of precocity around sex that I found perplexing. But mostly I thought Kane’s voice was reduced to his trauma by making that the primary focus of his chapters.
  • There is a graphic scene when Lark is told he was ready to be part of a secret ritual that turned out to be rape by an Elder. Kane follows and bears witness to the entire ordeal… and his first instinct is jealousy that the Elder gets to experience pleasure with Lark’s body (celibacy being one of the burdens on the Anointed… minus the sex rituals and some of the instances of care with their partners? I guess). Since Kane at this point is the only other Anointed privy to this aspect of the cult, and was himself recently violated (albeit in a different way) by Nova, it feels like an odd response to the situation. 
  • There’s something about the interplay between sexual assault/pain and pleasure that felt weird to me. I noticed it most often in the loaded interactions between Lark and Calvin. I think part of it had to do with the fact that Lark's experiences with pain and pleasure were very much tied to his abuse as an Anointed... and having Calvin engage with that romantically and without that context felt inappropriate or irresponsible somehow? Not sure if that makes sense.
  • I saw a vlog about this book that said something to the effect of Lark being armed, dangerous, attacking FBI agents and NOT winding up in jail as “white privilege” and I thought it was hilarious. Given that Druid Hill is in Baltimore, I did think it was interesting that the majority of characters were white, the exception being Kane who is described by Calvin as “East Asian”.