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A review by lachese
Escape from Witchwood Hollow by Jordan Elizabeth
2.0
I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
Before my review, let me just put a wee bit of a disclaimer up here. Some reviewers treat indie books or self published authors differently than traditionally published ones. I am not one of those reviewers. I have read indie books that blow traditionally published books out of the water. I have also read traditionally published books that are utterly cringe worthy. I am reviewing this book, like all books I read, fairly based upon the guidelines on my page.
When I read a good book, I expect to be transported into that world, to see through the characters eyes, feel what they feel, and experience what they experience. A good book will make you forget you are reading; you transcend the text. This is known as immersion. Anything that pulls you away from the narrative and makes you remember what you see is merely text on a page is an immersion breaker and is a cardinal sin of writing. Unfortunately, this book was full of them.
I came across the first immersion breaker in the first chapter. The main character, Honoria, was outside during art class, drawing a forest. Because of her thought processes and her seeing faces in the sunlight, I pictured her as young. Ten, maybe eleven. When the next page talked about her classmate's cleavage, I realized she was actually a teenager. So I had to mentally wipe the slate clean and reimagine her. This broke immersion for me, but it was just one instance. The rest of the chapter was well written and very interesting, so I didn't have any issues getting back into the story.
When the historical flashbacks started, that's when everything fell apart. First and foremost, that dialog! To emulate the speech of the 1600s, the author just removed all contractions. Instead of making the dialog seem authentic, it just made it awkward and stilted. Here is an example:
"You are not a farmer. You cannot help." Mary-Anne caught the paper and squinted at the cursive. "I cannot believe he finally wrote. Is not this exciting? We are going to America."
Let's compare that to dialog from Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell (which is the first historical fantasy that comes to mind): "A cousin of mine -- a tedious, embroidering sort of girl. No one ever paid her the least attention until I married Mr Bullworth. Yet now I hear she is to be married to a clergyman and my father has given her a banker's draft to pay for wedding clothes and new furniture."
See the difference? Making dialog feel authentic is more than just removing contractions. It's language and sentence structure. It's the feeling that put into the dialog. It's making it flow.
The basic premise of the scene is the sisters received a note from their father in America with a single ticket for the elder sister Albertine. She was to come to America and marry his neighbor. So first, the sisters open the letter together. Albertine is shocked that father mentions the prospect of her marrying his neighbor, who is a farmer. Mary-Ann is excited they are going to America together. They talk a bit about Albertine marrying this guy. Then Mary-Anne realizes that only one ticket is there. She asks who the ticket is for. Wait, what??? Isn't it obvious it's for Albertine? They had been talking about her marrying the neighbor for a whole page!! URGH! Either Mary-Ann has the intelligence of a rock, short term memory loss, or that's a mistake. A few chapters later, there is a very similar mistake where a character asks another character for his name and he answers. A half page later she asks again and he answers once again with the same name. Okay, so either every character has amnesia in this book, or there are some editing errors. Either way, these mistakes ripped me right out of the narrative. Immersion breakers. Both the stilted dialog and the tendency for the characters to have short term memory loss happen over and over and over and over.
The characters are also not very developed. In order to make a sympathetic and three dimensional character, each must have personality traits and flaws. Each of the three main characters had quirks (thigh tapping, lip smacking, and lip licking), which are not the same as flaws. I didn’t get attached to any of these characters. With a little more development and an injection of personality, the “twist” of the story (which I will not spoil) could have been much more impactful. Instead, it merely came of as an “oh that’s interesting” moment.
Despite these shortcomings, the book does have some redeeming qualities. The descriptive sentences are decently written, a stark contrast to the awkward dialog. The second half of the book is stronger and much of the dialog became more natural. Certain moments shine, showing the novel’s true potential. As it is now, it doesn’t feel consumer-ready. It isn’t really sure what it wants to be. The lack of intellect and maturity of most of the characters fit better with a middle school level book, however, it also contains young adult themes (romance, marriage, cleavage, etc). This causes a disconnect. With some reworking and polish, this could be a really great book.
Before my review, let me just put a wee bit of a disclaimer up here. Some reviewers treat indie books or self published authors differently than traditionally published ones. I am not one of those reviewers. I have read indie books that blow traditionally published books out of the water. I have also read traditionally published books that are utterly cringe worthy. I am reviewing this book, like all books I read, fairly based upon the guidelines on my page.
When I read a good book, I expect to be transported into that world, to see through the characters eyes, feel what they feel, and experience what they experience. A good book will make you forget you are reading; you transcend the text. This is known as immersion. Anything that pulls you away from the narrative and makes you remember what you see is merely text on a page is an immersion breaker and is a cardinal sin of writing. Unfortunately, this book was full of them.
I came across the first immersion breaker in the first chapter. The main character, Honoria, was outside during art class, drawing a forest. Because of her thought processes and her seeing faces in the sunlight, I pictured her as young. Ten, maybe eleven. When the next page talked about her classmate's cleavage, I realized she was actually a teenager. So I had to mentally wipe the slate clean and reimagine her. This broke immersion for me, but it was just one instance. The rest of the chapter was well written and very interesting, so I didn't have any issues getting back into the story.
When the historical flashbacks started, that's when everything fell apart. First and foremost, that dialog! To emulate the speech of the 1600s, the author just removed all contractions. Instead of making the dialog seem authentic, it just made it awkward and stilted. Here is an example:
"You are not a farmer. You cannot help." Mary-Anne caught the paper and squinted at the cursive. "I cannot believe he finally wrote. Is not this exciting? We are going to America."
Let's compare that to dialog from Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell (which is the first historical fantasy that comes to mind): "A cousin of mine -- a tedious, embroidering sort of girl. No one ever paid her the least attention until I married Mr Bullworth. Yet now I hear she is to be married to a clergyman and my father has given her a banker's draft to pay for wedding clothes and new furniture."
See the difference? Making dialog feel authentic is more than just removing contractions. It's language and sentence structure. It's the feeling that put into the dialog. It's making it flow.
The basic premise of the scene is the sisters received a note from their father in America with a single ticket for the elder sister Albertine. She was to come to America and marry his neighbor. So first, the sisters open the letter together. Albertine is shocked that father mentions the prospect of her marrying his neighbor, who is a farmer. Mary-Ann is excited they are going to America together. They talk a bit about Albertine marrying this guy. Then Mary-Anne realizes that only one ticket is there. She asks who the ticket is for. Wait, what??? Isn't it obvious it's for Albertine? They had been talking about her marrying the neighbor for a whole page!! URGH! Either Mary-Ann has the intelligence of a rock, short term memory loss, or that's a mistake. A few chapters later, there is a very similar mistake where a character asks another character for his name and he answers. A half page later she asks again and he answers once again with the same name. Okay, so either every character has amnesia in this book, or there are some editing errors. Either way, these mistakes ripped me right out of the narrative. Immersion breakers. Both the stilted dialog and the tendency for the characters to have short term memory loss happen over and over and over and over.
The characters are also not very developed. In order to make a sympathetic and three dimensional character, each must have personality traits and flaws. Each of the three main characters had quirks (thigh tapping, lip smacking, and lip licking), which are not the same as flaws. I didn’t get attached to any of these characters. With a little more development and an injection of personality, the “twist” of the story (which I will not spoil) could have been much more impactful. Instead, it merely came of as an “oh that’s interesting” moment.
Despite these shortcomings, the book does have some redeeming qualities. The descriptive sentences are decently written, a stark contrast to the awkward dialog. The second half of the book is stronger and much of the dialog became more natural. Certain moments shine, showing the novel’s true potential. As it is now, it doesn’t feel consumer-ready. It isn’t really sure what it wants to be. The lack of intellect and maturity of most of the characters fit better with a middle school level book, however, it also contains young adult themes (romance, marriage, cleavage, etc). This causes a disconnect. With some reworking and polish, this could be a really great book.