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A review by chrissymcbooknerd
Breathe for Me by Rhonda Helms
1.0
I can't deny that there is always a bit of hesitation before writing a negative review of a book so kindly sent to me, at no cost, for the purposes of providing a review. I mean, some person somewhere poured their time, heart, and soul into a book -- and then gifted me with said book -- and... it's not like I'm paying for anything, right? So, why put down someone's hard work and effort after being trusted to compose a thoughtful review?
But then I think of how disappointed I would have been, to have spent my hard earned money on trash -- and then I feel a little more justified in telling you...
... that I hate BREATHE FOR ME. Yuck.
Why do I hate thee? Let me tell thy ways.
1. I hate all of the characters. Isabel is dumb, sappy, and dull. She's been reliving different forms of her life for decades after making a deal with a demon to escape an arranged marriage back in the olden days of her existence... back when she was "mortal". But now, Isabel can read numbers above people's heads, burn people who touch her skin, and kill people who kiss her. Yet, for someone who has lived half a dozen lives or so, Isabel is just slow to pick up on anything. She reads like an overly romanticized twelve year old, trying to sound thoughtful-- but failing miserably at everything. I could have cared less of Isabel lived or died -- which made this story feel LONG.
Dominic, the love interest -- the guy who, I suppose, is meant to challenge this amateur "Shatter Me" type super-killer-power of Isabel's kiss -- is likewise boring, sappy, and downright cheesy. He tends to talk like an old, weary man, which made me assume that he was reliving a thousand lives over and over like his dull little love interest, Isabel -- but it turns out that he's just an overly creepy teenager who broods and rambles on about strange, slightly drunken-sounding phrases that really don't mean much.
2. I hate the "bad guy" in the story. The demon. He is a useless wimp with no powers who is completely unconvincing as a villain -- but not written thoughtfully enough to inspire any type of "is-he-evil-or-is-he-good" type discussion -- because he's just not really even worth mentioning. I mean, the evil demon rescued Isabel from arranged marriage, let her be immortal, gave her a sliver of personality with her odd superpowers, provided her with food, shelter, clothes, and everything else she ever wanted -- but I'm supposed to believe he is evil because --- why? And then his supposed "spell" on Isabel that is so hard to break that she's been fumbling through life over and over for hundreds of years? Apparently it's a quick simple fix that nobody bothered to figure out until many lives later -- which makes me wonder who might be more stupid -- the demon or Isabel.
3. I HATE INSTA-LOVE! Especially awkward, rambling, woo-woo, overly pseudo-poetry-ridden insta-love between two dumb characters who seem to have no grasp on reality. At first, Isabel just feels a little stalkerish in the way that she moons over Dominic from afar -- but then we realize, early on, that this is a match made in heaven! These two snoozefests are absolutely perfect for each other....
4. I hate overly dramatic, cheesy, corny, clunky, weirdo writing that seems to be intended to be emotional, poetic, and haunting -- but really ends up being one eye roll after another up until the last page. Everything is full of gasps and life-or-death word choices and constant lip biting and breath holding -- blah, blah, blah. The last time I enjoyed writing like this was probably when I was about eleven, mourning my life in a Hello Kitty journal that was SO overdone and SO over-lame in its immature emotional appeal.
So, if it were up to me, I'd just tell you to skip Breathe for Me -- unless you, for whatever reason, just want to read a random paranormal love fest between two of the dullest characters in fiction.
And to the author, I apologize for hating your book. I'm sure you worked hard at it, and I'm sure you have an audience for this somewhere -- it just doesn't happen to be me.
But then I think of how disappointed I would have been, to have spent my hard earned money on trash -- and then I feel a little more justified in telling you...
... that I hate BREATHE FOR ME. Yuck.
Why do I hate thee? Let me tell thy ways.
1. I hate all of the characters. Isabel is dumb, sappy, and dull. She's been reliving different forms of her life for decades after making a deal with a demon to escape an arranged marriage back in the olden days of her existence... back when she was "mortal". But now, Isabel can read numbers above people's heads, burn people who touch her skin, and kill people who kiss her. Yet, for someone who has lived half a dozen lives or so, Isabel is just slow to pick up on anything. She reads like an overly romanticized twelve year old, trying to sound thoughtful-- but failing miserably at everything. I could have cared less of Isabel lived or died -- which made this story feel LONG.
Dominic, the love interest -- the guy who, I suppose, is meant to challenge this amateur "Shatter Me" type super-killer-power of Isabel's kiss -- is likewise boring, sappy, and downright cheesy. He tends to talk like an old, weary man, which made me assume that he was reliving a thousand lives over and over like his dull little love interest, Isabel -- but it turns out that he's just an overly creepy teenager who broods and rambles on about strange, slightly drunken-sounding phrases that really don't mean much.
2. I hate the "bad guy" in the story. The demon. He is a useless wimp with no powers who is completely unconvincing as a villain -- but not written thoughtfully enough to inspire any type of "is-he-evil-or-is-he-good" type discussion -- because he's just not really even worth mentioning. I mean, the evil demon rescued Isabel from arranged marriage, let her be immortal, gave her a sliver of personality with her odd superpowers, provided her with food, shelter, clothes, and everything else she ever wanted -- but I'm supposed to believe he is evil because --- why? And then his supposed "spell" on Isabel that is so hard to break that she's been fumbling through life over and over for hundreds of years? Apparently it's a quick simple fix that nobody bothered to figure out until many lives later -- which makes me wonder who might be more stupid -- the demon or Isabel.
3. I HATE INSTA-LOVE! Especially awkward, rambling, woo-woo, overly pseudo-poetry-ridden insta-love between two dumb characters who seem to have no grasp on reality. At first, Isabel just feels a little stalkerish in the way that she moons over Dominic from afar -- but then we realize, early on, that this is a match made in heaven! These two snoozefests are absolutely perfect for each other....
4. I hate overly dramatic, cheesy, corny, clunky, weirdo writing that seems to be intended to be emotional, poetic, and haunting -- but really ends up being one eye roll after another up until the last page. Everything is full of gasps and life-or-death word choices and constant lip biting and breath holding -- blah, blah, blah. The last time I enjoyed writing like this was probably when I was about eleven, mourning my life in a Hello Kitty journal that was SO overdone and SO over-lame in its immature emotional appeal.
So, if it were up to me, I'd just tell you to skip Breathe for Me -- unless you, for whatever reason, just want to read a random paranormal love fest between two of the dullest characters in fiction.
And to the author, I apologize for hating your book. I'm sure you worked hard at it, and I'm sure you have an audience for this somewhere -- it just doesn't happen to be me.