A review by ronurism
South of Forgiveness: A True Story of Rape and Responsibility, by Thordis Elva, Tom Stranger
4.0
I am so happy to be reading this book during April since it is Sexual Assault Awareness month. There is a lot of controversy surrounding the authors, especially Tom Stranger, who is being attacked by sexual assault survivors and related activists for his horrendous actions (rape) nearly 25 years ago. Thousands of signatures were received to remove his TED Talk from YouTube.
I have someone very close to me who was sexually assaulted and raped. People who are sexually assaulted would really not want to have conversations about it, since its both difficult and painful. This book does exactly that, and it is the very reason I feel that this book is a required reading for everyone who is interested in understanding sexual assault or rape.
I liked the way the authors recalled the events that lead to rape and those that followed. They dissected every part of it, which was according to me, the best part of the book. If you had already watched the YouTube video, that's fine, but if you haven't, I would recommend you not to see the video. I would have wanted to learn their stories first, without identifying them with their faces. I kinda judged them a lot while reading, until I reached the confrontation part of it. It was a gut-wrenching experience, just to read those pages.
Yes, some parts are repetitive, but overall, it's a great book nonetheless.
There is so much wisdom in this book and I have collected some of them below:
* Its outrageous to claim that there's a 'correct reaction' to being raped and that includes 'fighting back with vigor'. Fighting back can even prove to be deadly, if it prompts the perpetrator to apply more force to violence. Some survivors freeze, others dissociate in order to survive the attack.
* Most rapes don't take place in the circumstances we're taught to avoid. Most of them take place in the privacy of our homes, and are carried out by people we're supposed to trust - relatives, spouses, friends.
* I can't tell you how sick I am of the notion that sex turns girls into sluts and boys into men.
* I also believe that if people settle into the idea that they're beyond salvation, it hinders them from doing constructive things with their lives.
* There's a fine line between laughter and tears. When the heart is open wide, they can even merge into one and the same thing.
* Fear, almost without exception, shrinks when you've put it into words. Now we poke fun at it and go on with our lives.
* Violence isn't bred in a vacuum. It has societal causes and consequences that might be part of our conversation. Silencing is part of the problem.
* To show the world that people who've been both ends of this scale, whether they're receivers or perpetrators of sexual violence, aren't soulless monsters or damaged goods. They're people; imperfect, fallible, unmistakably human beings like you and me with all kinds of thoughts, jobs, backgrounds, life-styles, and beliefs.
* I think the idea of fate undermines the power of choice and agency. And rids people of responsibility for their actions.
* 'Do you know that people who act out sexually are more likely to have been abused or raped?'
* Having grown up in a middle class family, I feel decidedly out of place in privileged neighborhoods with their private pools and uniformed personnel.
*That's what rape is about, it's about power and control.
I have someone very close to me who was sexually assaulted and raped. People who are sexually assaulted would really not want to have conversations about it, since its both difficult and painful. This book does exactly that, and it is the very reason I feel that this book is a required reading for everyone who is interested in understanding sexual assault or rape.
I liked the way the authors recalled the events that lead to rape and those that followed. They dissected every part of it, which was according to me, the best part of the book. If you had already watched the YouTube video, that's fine, but if you haven't, I would recommend you not to see the video. I would have wanted to learn their stories first, without identifying them with their faces. I kinda judged them a lot while reading, until I reached the confrontation part of it. It was a gut-wrenching experience, just to read those pages.
Yes, some parts are repetitive, but overall, it's a great book nonetheless.
There is so much wisdom in this book and I have collected some of them below:
* Its outrageous to claim that there's a 'correct reaction' to being raped and that includes 'fighting back with vigor'. Fighting back can even prove to be deadly, if it prompts the perpetrator to apply more force to violence. Some survivors freeze, others dissociate in order to survive the attack.
* Most rapes don't take place in the circumstances we're taught to avoid. Most of them take place in the privacy of our homes, and are carried out by people we're supposed to trust - relatives, spouses, friends.
* I can't tell you how sick I am of the notion that sex turns girls into sluts and boys into men.
* I also believe that if people settle into the idea that they're beyond salvation, it hinders them from doing constructive things with their lives.
* There's a fine line between laughter and tears. When the heart is open wide, they can even merge into one and the same thing.
* Fear, almost without exception, shrinks when you've put it into words. Now we poke fun at it and go on with our lives.
* Violence isn't bred in a vacuum. It has societal causes and consequences that might be part of our conversation. Silencing is part of the problem.
* To show the world that people who've been both ends of this scale, whether they're receivers or perpetrators of sexual violence, aren't soulless monsters or damaged goods. They're people; imperfect, fallible, unmistakably human beings like you and me with all kinds of thoughts, jobs, backgrounds, life-styles, and beliefs.
* I think the idea of fate undermines the power of choice and agency. And rids people of responsibility for their actions.
* 'Do you know that people who act out sexually are more likely to have been abused or raped?'
* Having grown up in a middle class family, I feel decidedly out of place in privileged neighborhoods with their private pools and uniformed personnel.
*That's what rape is about, it's about power and control.