A review by flower_mail
How to Be a Person in the World: Ask Polly's Guide Through the Paradoxes of Modern Life by Heather Havrilesky
4.0
So many actually helpful pieces of advice here. So much of what Heather wrote connected to things I've discussed recently with my therapist or things that I read that also resonated with me.
With that said, I did think Heather engaged in some gender essentialism and generalization ("all men are X; women feel...") that I think took away from her otherwise nuanced and thoughtful advice.
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"What you do for a living doesn't have to define you. Being an idealist is worthless unless you have a strategy for sustaining yourself and aiming for a more conscientious way of living."
"Acts of malice stay with the body. They are not easily forgotten." (See also: The Body Is Not an Apology, Between the World and Me.)
"Let's try this: If I told you that you would never, ever fall in love again, what kind of a plan would you make to ensure your own happiness moving forward? What would you work toward? What would you do more of? I bet that you'd have to give up on some big dreams that you care about a lot. But I also bet that giving up some of those things might add up to a weird kind of freedom. [...] You need to stop making room in your life for someone else's love and start making room for yourself instead. When you feel proud of yourself and care for yourself, you won't worry about betrayal as much. When you imagine a beautiful life even in the absence of romantic love, finding love or losing it again won't seem nearly as scary." (See also: Jenny Slate tweet: As the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain&more precious, I feel less afraid that someone else will erase me by denying me love.)
"I used to date men who were obsessed with their creative projects. After a while I realized that I didn't want them. I wanted to be them. I thought being close to that energy would be enough."
"Fuck wondering if you're lovable. Fuck asking someone else, 'Am I there yet?' Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. Don't grow up to be one of those women with a perpetual question mark etched into her brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough? You are here. Sit down. Feel your potential in this moment. You have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today. Breathe in. Draw a picture of yourself. Tape it to the wall, with the words 'YOU ARE HERE.' You are here. Cherish yourself."
"Other people will always appear to move with dedication and consequence. How else does one behave when people are watching?"
"With writing, with comedy, with everything, you're about as talented as you think you are most of the time. People are so delusional about talent, as if you're either pure magic or made of nothing. You know which people think that way? Talentless people. Those who strive, who create who work hard? They know that about 50 percent of talent comes from working your ass off and other 50 percent comes from cultivating an extreme arrogance around your particular flavors of genius. [...] Having it is sometimes as easy as saying, 'DAMN I'M GOOD,' over and over again."
"I don't think you were made to follow men around, to wait for their cues, and to cower in the presence of creative people. I think you're doing these things out of habit. You think it's audacious to stand up for your talents, to boldly proclaim yourself a writer and take the life that you want and tell the life you don't want to fuck off. Stop being grateful for scraps."
"When you are at yoga class, pay attention. Do you tell yourself that you're mediocre at yoga the whole time? Or do you look inside for your feelings. Do you do a stretch and think, 'Christ, this hurts!' I am so inflexible still!' Or do you think, 'I am here, trying. I am a person who tries. I do what I fucking can. It's okay to just try.'" (See also: that journal entry you wrote about child's pose and your brain saying it hurts but actually your muscles are being activated and that's making you better)
"Life is not about knowing. Life is about feeling your way through the dark. If you say, 'This should be lighter by now,' you're shutting yourself off from your own happiness. So let there be darkness. Get down on your knees, and crawl through the dark. Crawl and say to yourself, 'Holy GOD, it's dark, but just look at me crawl! I can crawl like a motherfucker.'"
With that said, I did think Heather engaged in some gender essentialism and generalization ("all men are X; women feel...") that I think took away from her otherwise nuanced and thoughtful advice.
--
"What you do for a living doesn't have to define you. Being an idealist is worthless unless you have a strategy for sustaining yourself and aiming for a more conscientious way of living."
"Acts of malice stay with the body. They are not easily forgotten." (See also: The Body Is Not an Apology, Between the World and Me.)
"Let's try this: If I told you that you would never, ever fall in love again, what kind of a plan would you make to ensure your own happiness moving forward? What would you work toward? What would you do more of? I bet that you'd have to give up on some big dreams that you care about a lot. But I also bet that giving up some of those things might add up to a weird kind of freedom. [...] You need to stop making room in your life for someone else's love and start making room for yourself instead. When you feel proud of yourself and care for yourself, you won't worry about betrayal as much. When you imagine a beautiful life even in the absence of romantic love, finding love or losing it again won't seem nearly as scary." (See also: Jenny Slate tweet: As the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain&more precious, I feel less afraid that someone else will erase me by denying me love.)
"I used to date men who were obsessed with their creative projects. After a while I realized that I didn't want them. I wanted to be them. I thought being close to that energy would be enough."
"Fuck wondering if you're lovable. Fuck asking someone else, 'Am I there yet?' Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. Don't grow up to be one of those women with a perpetual question mark etched into her brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough? You are here. Sit down. Feel your potential in this moment. You have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today. Breathe in. Draw a picture of yourself. Tape it to the wall, with the words 'YOU ARE HERE.' You are here. Cherish yourself."
"Other people will always appear to move with dedication and consequence. How else does one behave when people are watching?"
"With writing, with comedy, with everything, you're about as talented as you think you are most of the time. People are so delusional about talent, as if you're either pure magic or made of nothing. You know which people think that way? Talentless people. Those who strive, who create who work hard? They know that about 50 percent of talent comes from working your ass off and other 50 percent comes from cultivating an extreme arrogance around your particular flavors of genius. [...] Having it is sometimes as easy as saying, 'DAMN I'M GOOD,' over and over again."
"I don't think you were made to follow men around, to wait for their cues, and to cower in the presence of creative people. I think you're doing these things out of habit. You think it's audacious to stand up for your talents, to boldly proclaim yourself a writer and take the life that you want and tell the life you don't want to fuck off. Stop being grateful for scraps."
"When you are at yoga class, pay attention. Do you tell yourself that you're mediocre at yoga the whole time? Or do you look inside for your feelings. Do you do a stretch and think, 'Christ, this hurts!' I am so inflexible still!' Or do you think, 'I am here, trying. I am a person who tries. I do what I fucking can. It's okay to just try.'" (See also: that journal entry you wrote about child's pose and your brain saying it hurts but actually your muscles are being activated and that's making you better)
"Life is not about knowing. Life is about feeling your way through the dark. If you say, 'This should be lighter by now,' you're shutting yourself off from your own happiness. So let there be darkness. Get down on your knees, and crawl through the dark. Crawl and say to yourself, 'Holy GOD, it's dark, but just look at me crawl! I can crawl like a motherfucker.'"