Scan barcode
A review by berta_rozi
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
2.0
Okay, so where do I start?
Twilight was a cult book way back when. If you don’t know what it’s about, then congratulations, you managed to stray from its grasp. Twilight follows Isabella Swan, our Mary Sue of a main character, as she decides to move to her own personal Hell on Earth- Forks. She supposedly loves the sun, and whines so fucking much about how she hates rain and snow but those are also beautiful and ugh I don’t like Bella at all but her skin is almost translucent, and she says she isn’t pretty, but I directly quote the book
“You don’t see yourself very clearly, you know. I’ll admit, you’re dead-on about the bad things,” he chuckled blackly, “but you didn’t hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day.”
So yeah, Bella has it alright. She befriends a few people called Jessica, Mike, Eric, Tyler, Angela, but they all seem to be the same characters repeated over and over with different names. None of them are fleshed out, and all Jessica ever talks about is the Cullens. But wait, I’m getting there. Not only is Bella Swan beautiful, smart, and shy-ish, she’s also extremely prone to accidents. She can barely play a sport, but obviously she looks like a model. And that’s how the Cullens come into play. They’re broody, gorgeous people who have this weird air about them- so Bella decides to investigate. It can’t even be called an investigation because every morsel of information is dropped into her lap. Turns out that the dude she’s been eyeing for a few months is a vampire! Who’d have guessed that, right?! And he just happens to save her from some rapists, and takes her to dinner, where he casually drops that he can read minds. Yeah, yeah. Skipping literally five pages, they are suddenly proclaiming their undying love for each other, and she’s tracing his muscles as they sparkle in the sunlight. Ew.
Why is my reaction that? Because of this:
“He hesitated – not in the normal way, the human way.
Not the way a man might hesitate before he kissed a woman, to gauge her reaction, to see how he would be received. Perhaps he would hesitate to prolong the moment, that ideal moment of anticipation, sometimes better than the kiss itself.
Edward hesitated to test himself, to see if this was safe, to make sure he was still in control of his need.
And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.”
Who would want to make out with a slab of marble? It sounds like being attracted to a statue, and I don’t really get it. He also smirks and smiles crookedly way too much, so there must be something wrong with him. Oh yeah, he can’t sleep, he only survives if he can drink blood, and he likes smelling the palm of his girlfriend. But who cares, right, especially if they are in love.
The other thing that I just cannot stand about this book, is how it makes spying sexy and flattering . Yes, you heard me right. Millions of females around the world
“You spied on me?” But somehow I couldn’t infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.
He watched her sleep for God’s sake! It isn’t right!! He pressures Bella into things she wouldn’t otherwise do or admit, and though she swears that she feels safe around him, I can promise you that no one would be. Vampire’s shouldn’t be romanticized by stripping them of their weaknesses. You make vampires sexy by keeping them at bay with the sun and garlic and whatever the hell else they don’t like. You don’t turn them into freaks with swarovski crystals implanted into their skin.
Small Loopholes, and Other Notes
I never read a franchise or watch a film without getting attached to a character or two. In this case three, but one is only out of habit, and the other two are actually interesting. Stephenie Meyer made every single person, vampire and other being into a huge cliché, and it’s a wonder that these books haven’t all been burned even though I was a proud twihard at some point in my life . But Alice, Jasper, poor Charlie and I painfully admit Jacob are interesting enough characters to get me pulled back into these books.
I hate that every guy wants Bella, and the normal boys who aren’t dangerous and life-threatening, she uses. For example, Mike, Tyler and Jacob. She says she doesn’t know how to flirt, but still has each and every guy wrapped around her pinkie. Fuck her.
There was way too much detail put into dress/outfit and car descriptions. We barely know where we are, who we’re talking to, but we obviously know that they are wearing a long, casual khaki skirt and the blue blouse her boyfriend complemented last time, and that she drives a faded orangey Chevy truck. Yeah, no dice.
And finally, there was a point in this book where I just put it down, and laughed for about five minutes straight. No, it wasn’t the “There are three things I am absolutely positive about” part, but that was a close second.
It was the biggest plothole ever discovered in the history of mankind. As we all know, Edward likes to spy on Bella. He listens to conversations from rooms away, and yet when Alice and Jasper are in the same hotel room as Bella, they can’t hear James threatening her life. Seriously???? Are they not supernatural? Do they not have amazing, heightened senses??
Twilight is enjoyable. I can’t not say that. But I’m sad that I ever said I liked this more than Narnia, or His Darkest Materials. And that it inspired Fifty Shades. Bleh. I think I’m going to throw up before I fly through the second book.