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A review by lacerta227
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
3.0
I struggled with whether to give this book 3 or 4 stars and finally settled on 3: Not because I felt lukewarm about the book as a whole, but because I felt really positively about some aspects and really negatively about others.
I appreciated being introduced to the construct of the Emotionally Immature Parent, because it gave a name to an experience that isn't quite captured by words like abusive, neglectful, or absent. How do you describe your experience with your parents when all the language that's out there feels too strong or it gives the wrong impression? I feel like this naming filled a gap and can help people put words to their growing up experiences: Whether they're summarizing their childhood in a therapy session, relating to others in their personal life, or just conceptualizing the narrative of their own life story.
Beyond simply naming the concept, the author does a nice job describing what Emotional Immaturity looks like. If you grow up with a parent who doesn't deal with stress well, has a hard time regulating emotions, blames others for difficulties, is emotionally preoccupied, and lacks self awareness, it can feel like a relief to see your experience reflected in writing: To know that you’re not alone. I think this section of the book is very normalizing and can help many readers feel seen and understood. The author also does a good job reassuring readers that their feelings are valid; that it’s perfectly OK to use the language of Emotional Immaturity to describe a parent without guilt, and that it’s perfectly OK to take steps as an adult to protect oneself from further emotional chaos.
What I didn’t like about the book is the way the author went on to describe two ways children tend to cope with having an EIP, essentially lumping adult children into 2 categories: Internalizers and Externalizers. Internalizers were portrayed as sensitive, self-reflective people-- the type who are likely to engage in therapy and other self-help pursuits, and who strive to be more regulated and self-reliant then their parents-- whereas externalizers were characterized as following more in their parents’ footsteps, essentially becoming Emotional Immature adults and perpetuating the cycle. While the author pays lip service to the fact that few people are purely one or the other, there’s a not-too-subtle implication that Internalizers are good, whereas Externalizers are bad, and she mentions several times that people reading her book are probably the internalizing-type. The book then goes on to provide help and suggestions specifically tailored for Internalizers.
I take issue with this section of the book for several reasons. First of all, even if the author conceded that people don’t fall into neat categories, the second half of her book is clearly written as if they do, which came across as theoretically lazy. Secondly, the author spends the second half of her book giving suggestions for Internalizers after making the assertion that “people who seek therapy or read self-help are far more likely to have an internalizing style of coping,” but is this even true? I think it’s much more likely to assume that many adult children of EIPs have learned some externalizing tendencies from their parent(s) but also have enough internalizing awareness to want to change and grow. This means not only might we see a broader range of ACoEIP in therapy or reading this book than the author imagines, but that the suggestions in the book should be tailored not only to Internalizers. Alongside suggestions for how to manage guilt, set boundaries, avoid personalizing, advocate for oneself, and choose healthy partners, I would have also liked to see the author address ways that adults with mixed coping styles can temper some of their externalizing tendencies, engage in more effective self-soothing, and practice self-compassion when they see aspects of their EIP reflected in themselves. By failing to recognize and addresses the prevalence of externalizing tendencies of her readers, in my opinion the author not only missed the mark theoretically, but she alienated and shamed many of the readers she initially greeted with such validation. I think the book should have assumed a more inclusive and realistic scope, or else should have been titled "Adult Internalizing Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and focused on a narrower audience.
I appreciated being introduced to the construct of the Emotionally Immature Parent, because it gave a name to an experience that isn't quite captured by words like abusive, neglectful, or absent. How do you describe your experience with your parents when all the language that's out there feels too strong or it gives the wrong impression? I feel like this naming filled a gap and can help people put words to their growing up experiences: Whether they're summarizing their childhood in a therapy session, relating to others in their personal life, or just conceptualizing the narrative of their own life story.
Beyond simply naming the concept, the author does a nice job describing what Emotional Immaturity looks like. If you grow up with a parent who doesn't deal with stress well, has a hard time regulating emotions, blames others for difficulties, is emotionally preoccupied, and lacks self awareness, it can feel like a relief to see your experience reflected in writing: To know that you’re not alone. I think this section of the book is very normalizing and can help many readers feel seen and understood. The author also does a good job reassuring readers that their feelings are valid; that it’s perfectly OK to use the language of Emotional Immaturity to describe a parent without guilt, and that it’s perfectly OK to take steps as an adult to protect oneself from further emotional chaos.
What I didn’t like about the book is the way the author went on to describe two ways children tend to cope with having an EIP, essentially lumping adult children into 2 categories: Internalizers and Externalizers. Internalizers were portrayed as sensitive, self-reflective people-- the type who are likely to engage in therapy and other self-help pursuits, and who strive to be more regulated and self-reliant then their parents-- whereas externalizers were characterized as following more in their parents’ footsteps, essentially becoming Emotional Immature adults and perpetuating the cycle. While the author pays lip service to the fact that few people are purely one or the other, there’s a not-too-subtle implication that Internalizers are good, whereas Externalizers are bad, and she mentions several times that people reading her book are probably the internalizing-type. The book then goes on to provide help and suggestions specifically tailored for Internalizers.
I take issue with this section of the book for several reasons. First of all, even if the author conceded that people don’t fall into neat categories, the second half of her book is clearly written as if they do, which came across as theoretically lazy. Secondly, the author spends the second half of her book giving suggestions for Internalizers after making the assertion that “people who seek therapy or read self-help are far more likely to have an internalizing style of coping,” but is this even true? I think it’s much more likely to assume that many adult children of EIPs have learned some externalizing tendencies from their parent(s) but also have enough internalizing awareness to want to change and grow. This means not only might we see a broader range of ACoEIP in therapy or reading this book than the author imagines, but that the suggestions in the book should be tailored not only to Internalizers. Alongside suggestions for how to manage guilt, set boundaries, avoid personalizing, advocate for oneself, and choose healthy partners, I would have also liked to see the author address ways that adults with mixed coping styles can temper some of their externalizing tendencies, engage in more effective self-soothing, and practice self-compassion when they see aspects of their EIP reflected in themselves. By failing to recognize and addresses the prevalence of externalizing tendencies of her readers, in my opinion the author not only missed the mark theoretically, but she alienated and shamed many of the readers she initially greeted with such validation. I think the book should have assumed a more inclusive and realistic scope, or else should have been titled "Adult Internalizing Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and focused on a narrower audience.