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A review by kn0tp0rk
The Mahabharata by
adventurous
challenging
dark
emotional
reflective
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
2.0
TL;DR: While The Mahabharata is an interesting change of scenery from Western religious texts, it's still rife with many of the same problems. It's filled to the brim with contradictions as well as scientific inaccuracies, and its offering of morality isn't impressive. It's repetitive above all else.
🔸This is a story within a story. Ugrasravas is telling us what Vaisampayana is telling Janamejaya. Sometimes it goes several layers deeper.
🔸It's nice to know that merely hearing The Mahabharata will cleanse me of my sins and disease. I'll report back later to see if I'm disease and disorder free. Update: I still have Type-1 Diabetes and my other health issues. I'm sure someone will say it's because I read the abridged text or because I don't believe in the text lol
🔸Reincarnation still seems like a total headache, as apparently you can be plucked out of heaven for making simple mistakes. I still don't agree with the idea of lesser and higher beings, as I know a lot of people who would love to be animals and have 0 problems with this. Also apparently some animals can speak here so...that's a plus.
🔸There's still that all too familiar reliance on virginity (Draupadi's virginity gets restored five times!!) and women being the property of their fathers, BUT having sex freely isn't so frowned upon and women aren't demonized for expressing a want to have sex. They can also speak for themselves, which is refreshing.
🔸The Mahabharata looks favoritably upon polygamy, but there are instances that get incesty, like when Draupadi marries the five Pandava brothers.
🔸I don't agree with the caste system laid out here. I don't care how much emphasis is put on how everything is wonderful, or how you can be rebirthed into something better.
🔸Riches come to those who follow dharma and misfortune to those who don't? This isn't how real life works, sorry.
🔸Coveting another king's stuff because he has more than you is bad. I don't agree with monarchies in the first place, but okay, I guess, yeah.
🔸Gambling is sketchy 👍(But Yudhisthira still accepts the challenge because "fate"...don't do that 🤡)
🔸Slavery is fine 🥴
🔸Whores aren't worth respect 👎
🔸DON'T EXPOSE YOUR LONG, GIRTHY COCK TO THE QUEEN 🍆
🔸There's some discussion about it being wise to dismiss wrongdoings toward you, but not only do the characters not follow this advice, I don't particularly think it's great life advice, either? Not when the stakes are as high as what they are in The Mahabharata.
🔸Honestly, I'm here for Bhima. It's kinda hot how he talks about ripping out the organs of his enemies and drinking their blood. Bhima fan club. 🥴💦
🔸The story of Lopamudra, Agastya's wife?? Uh...this reads as child grooming AND incest. It's weird.
🔸King Yuvanasva learns what Mpreg is. First hand. 🤡
🔸Damn, kinda sucks that Brahma will grant boons indiscriminately, so that demons can take the gods' homes. But Arjuna gets it back for them.
🔸Talking snake ascends to heaven.
🔸If you know brahman or give cattle, you go to heaven, otherwise, you're immediately reborn--into what depends on how you lived.
🔸Flood myth!! This one is about a little fish who is cared for by Manu until it's released into the ocean. The fish tells Manu a flood will happen and to build a boat and collect "the seeds of all creatures". The fish moves the boat to the Himalayas, reveals that he's Brahma, and tells Manu to make all creatures.
🔸Ladies, you have difficult dharma--you have to obey your husband above all else! 🥴
🔸Your time in heaven is limited. Mugdala learns this and declines the offer to even go. I guess you can rack up more points if you choose to keep doing charity on Earth instead.
🔸"A dead man cannot know fame; fame can be enjoyed only by the living. The fame of a dead man is like the garland on a corpse." Bruh, the Sun dropping some🔥🔥👌👌
🔸🤡 The Sun sexually assaults Kunti but she remains a virgin and gives birth to a son who she sends down the river in basket. He's adopted and becomes a warrior. Hmm, I wonder where the Bible got that virgin Mary and Moses story??
🔸Citrasena and Indra think Arjuna's battle against the Kauravas is amusing and shower both sides with flowers 😂 They really don't take sides, huh?
🔸Dharma really muddies the waters on right and wrong. Krsna offers help to both Arjuna and Duryodhana because they're both his pals even though the two are about to battle each other. At least Balarama says he's gunna sit this one out. Who needs right or wrong so long as you're following your dharma (and give to Brahmins)? 🤷
🔸Vidura tells Dhrtarastra to give the Pandavas their land back despite his sons' attitudes, and that he's not being truthful or virtuous. Dhrtarastra is flakey and most of this book is his fault.
🔸Sanatsujata says, "Death results from passion" (😳), "the perfect Brahmin...makes no display of his religious practices or his learning" (none of them behave like that during this entire book), "The man who sees himself in all beings does not sorrow" (What if I see myself in a sorrowful being? Checkmate!!).
🔸Krsna tries to negotiate for peace and alliance with Dhrtarastra. He says Duryodhana is following adharma (so why bother sacrificing the lives of your soldiers to help him, Krsna?? 🥴)
🔸Krsna says that if Duryodhana won't change his mind, Dhrtarastra should throw him to the Pandavas to avoid war. I mean, yeah, tbh.
🔸Bruh, Krsna shows his true form and Duryodhana is still like, "no." ☠️☠️☠️ This boy is thick-headed on another level.
🔸Sikhandin faces some transphobia (or sexism) from Bhisma. 😔 Sikhandin was a woman before rebirth, but Bhisma fucked up her marriage, so she asked to be reborn as a man to become a warrior to kill him. Honestly, you go, Sikhandin, kill that MFer.
🔸Arjuna says he could wipe out the other side instantly with his weapon but that it'd be kinda rude so he doesn't ☠️
🔸I'M LAUGHING SO HARD DURYODHANA'S TROOPS AND ANIMALS "PISSED AND SHAT THEMSELVES" WHEN THEY HEARD THEIR OPPOSITION SOUND THE CONCHES
🔸They agree on war conduct that's honestly so polite, it's laughable. Eye for an eye, insult for an insult, don't attack anyone who's distracted, don't kill people who surrender, and DO NOT TOUCH THE MUSICIANS.
🔸The Bhagavadgita!! Give it up for the Bhagavadgita everybody!!! Arjuna's like, "Man, I don't think I should fight, I feel bad for all this." Krsna says, "There's no beginning or end for life. Just kill them, they'll go to heaven or be reborn, it's chill. The perfect act with detachment." Okay, now I know why Krsna didn't have any qualms offering his army to Duryodhana 🤡 This is terrible psychological manipulation to excuse almost anything????
🔸Krsna tells Arjuna that after several high rebirths, people realize he's the supreme being. After they sacrifice to him, they no longer go through rebirths. All other gods were created by him and he supports the universe. Krsna has also been reborn many times.
🔸Krsna clarifies that he creates beings through Brahma. I guess that's a clarification.
🔸Yudhisthira walks to the enemy side to ask the elders for permission to fight them and if they have any weaknesses. His elders praise him and say he's going to win, but that they're still going to fulfill their duty to the Kauravas. Wild.
🔸This reads like a wild manga. Like Fist of the Northstar meets Dragonball Z meets Naruto meets Violence Jack. The characters are single-handedly taking down thousands of troops and also getting pierced by numerous arrows and just...sleeping it off and taking healing herbs.
🔸Your horses were killed? Here have some more. Charioteer killed? Have another. Warriors killed in the thousands? It's fine there are more. Need another weapon? It's here. Looney Tunes logic if I've ever seen it.
🔸Dhrtarastra keeps trying to blame fate for the situation, but Samjaya checks him every time, saying, "Nah, this is specifically you and your sons' faults."
🔸Arjuna and Yudhisthira have to convince Krsna to keep his word about not fighting cuz he gets hella pissed during the battle and was about throw hands with Bhisma.
🔸Duryodhana is wearing Drona's armor "like a woman". This is an insult, of course. 🥴
🔸I don't know what the difference between heaven, Yama's realm, and reincarnation is. I think the warriors are all going to heaven because it's the highest honor to die on the battlefield? I don't understand the purpose of Yama's realm? Are you placed there in a queue to be reborn? Idk??
🔸Everyone feels uncomfortable when Satyaki cuts Bhurisravas' head off because he was dying anyway and a sage. Satyaki explains himself and they get it but don't say anything LOL
🔸One cannot simply cut off Jayadratha's head as their own head will explode when it hits the ground due to a curse from Vrddhaksatra. So Arjuna's arrow carries Jayadratha's head to Vrddhaksatra's lap. Homeboy stands up, Jayadratha's head falls to the ground and he gets fucked by his own curse.
🔸Dhrstadyumna decapitates Drona, and once again, everyone feels salty. Dhrstadyumna and Satyaki get into an argument about who's major feat was dishonorable. They threaten to kill each other, but the boys pull them apart and tell them to chill.
🔸Salya gives Karna the baddest diss track of his life and Karna is salty af. "Boy, you a rabbit before lions, sit down." 💀💀💀
🔸If a Brahmin says something bad will happen to you because you fucked up, don't bother asking forgiveness because Brahmins can't say false things and forgiving you would make their original statement false. 💀
🔸Yudhisthira finds out that Arjuna hasn't killed Karna yet and is like, "Boy, your useless ass--you should have given Gandiva to Krsna. Nah, better yet, you should have been aborted." Then Arjuna tells him to square up, but Krsna shows Arjuna how to deferentiate between wise violence and ignorance for dharma. (The parables here actually weren't too bad. If you have to lie to save a life, then lie. If you have to kill a tyrant to save lives, then kill.) The brothers apologize. So beautiful.
🔸Duryodhana is nearly defeated but our story within a story is interrupted when Janamejaya wants Vaisampayana to tell him what Balarama's been up to. He's been walking around and bathing at holy sites. Continue with Vaisampayana telling Janamejaya what Samjaya is telling Dhrtarastra.
🔸Krsna says Bhima won't be able to win against Duryodhana if he fights fairly, but he does fight fairly and wins, so??
🔸Duryodhana truly was the final boss, cuz once Bhima strikes him down zombies march around, people cross-dress, wells spew blood, and lakes run backwards 👻
🔸Bhima stomps on Duryodhana's head but Yudhisthira starts crying and is like, "Bro stop, the deed is done."
🔸Balarama gets fucking pissed at Bhima and curses him for kicking around Duryodhana. Krsna tells him to chill then asks Yudhisthira what he thinks about it. Krsna pardons Bhima for his behavior.
🔸Their warriors cheer about the defeat, but Krsna says, "He's dead, it's not even worth talking about it." Then Duryodhana (who isn't actually dead, just unable to fight anymore) starts talking trash about how it's not fair. Krsna tells him to shut up, basically. 💀💀💀
🔸Even though Duryodhana is dying he tells his bros to go fuck up the Pancalas one last time.
🔸Asvatthaman watches an owl kill all the crows sleeping on a tree at night and is inspired to strike while everyone is sleeping, which is against the rules, but he doesn't care. Neither does Siva, apparently, (it's fate to balance adharma or something) because Asvatthaman gives him a sacrifice to gain beast mode powers before going to the enemy camp. He sends several warriors, like Dhrstadyumna, to Yama's realm by throat-stomping them. 💀💀💀 Then he, Krpa, and Krtavarman kill everyone else. Monsters start eating the dead. It's crazy.
🔸They go back to Duryodhana to tell him what happened and he dies with peace of mind. 🤡🤡🤡
🔸Yudhisthira and de boys find out what has happened and they rush to find Asvatthaman. They take the jewel on his head and he gets cursed for three thousand years.
🔸Krsna explains why Siva helped Asvatthaman. He had some beef with the other gods because they were being rude af and now he does what he wants, basically LMFAO
🔸Grieving is pointless. The wise don't grieve. 🤡
🔸The destruction of the Kurus was preordained, but it's still Dhrtarastra's fault and his sons were wicked even though they're in heaven now (because this heaven isn't attained by good or bad behavior). Previous lives or something, idk lol
🔸Yudhisthira and co. meet up with Dhrtarastra, who strangles Bhima, but just kidding, it was a substitution jutsu that Krsna had made out of iron in the shape of Bhima because he knew Dhrtarastra was going to try to wring him out.
🔸🤡🤡🤡 Gandhari accosts Bhima about drinking Duhsasana's blood, but hE'S LIKE, "I DIDN'T DRINK IT, I JUST HAD IT IN MY MOUTH." I'M FUCKING SCREAMING
🔸The 18-day war claimed 1,660,020,000 lives with 24,165 MIA 💀💀💀
🔸Despite those wild numbers and the fact the corpses are being EATEN BEFORE THEIR VERY EYES, they uh, PERFORM BURIAL RITES???
🔸Yudhisthira's had enough. He tells everyone he wants to go to the forest and be a Brahmin. Everyone gets pissed and tries to persuade him otherwise by telling him parables.
🔸Renunciation is only appropriate in old age and in times of trouble. I think there's importance in keeping your word, but there's also value in re-assessing the circumstances and deciding on a different course of action. This line of wisdom is rubbish.
🔸No king attains royal glory without killing enemies. Every act involves both right and wrong. I have to question the real world benefit of absolute monarchies on citizens, and why "glory" for a king is necessary. I wouldn't say that every act involves both right and wrong, but that everyone will have a different perspective on an act.
🔸Anyway, Yudhisthira gets consecrated as king.
🔸Uh?? Bhisma is still alive where he fell on the battlefield and he's about to drop some wisdom for Yudhisthira about dharma for kings.
🔸There necessarily has to be a king to uphold dharma or else the Vedas and the four classes would disappear. Okay? Let them. 🤡
🔸A king shares the dharma of his subjects. This isn't a fairytale world. Dharma isn't real.
🔸Be moderate levying taxes. Tax cattle herders mildly!! Don't over-tax merchants or farmers.
🔸All court cases should be public. Poor people should be killed or imprisoned and the ill-behaved should be beaten. Rich people? Just fine them. 🥴 I hate this.
🔸Suppress drinking dens, whores, pimps, and beggars because they're public nuisances. 💀
🔸Keep out thieves and the mighty preying on the weak. 🤙
🔸Spy on your citizens to see if they like you 😂 That's not going to backfire!
🔸Fear the weak because they'll destroy you if not well-cared for. How about not letting anyone be "weak"? Too progressive? Okay, I'll leave.
🔸When you're king make sure you only half trust people cuz these niggas be saying anything. 🧐
🔸Instructions on how to conquer territories. Can't you fuckers be happy with your own prospering land??? At least it specifies to be kind to the conquered citizens...
🔸Cast off hope. Don't have that. 😭
🔸Dharma is impossible without wealth. Steal from the wicked and give to good. Not, like, in a Robin Hood way, but so you can give sacrifices. Dharma, ya heard.
🔸The man who plans ahead fares best. I mean, it's definitely good to have a plan, but that's doesn't mean you'll fare better. Sometimes things cannot be planned for.
🔸Neither foes nor friends are permanent. Not because they'll die, but because you're going to change sides depending on what's best for you!! Embrace your mean girl!!!1
🔸Be mistrustful of everyone. For fuck's sake, this advice is wild.
🔸Killed some cows?? Offer refuge to those who seek it. That'll cleanse your sins.
🔸Okay, so you know how this is a story within a story within a story? Well, our author got a bit confused because Bhisma starts telling Yudhisthira about Janamejaya...the person Vaisampayana is reciting the Pandavas' story to?? He hasn't been born yet...
🔸A weak man shouldn't antagonize and strong man, a fool shouldn't antagonize an intelligent man. That's fine, I guess.
🔸Never harm your friends, even though this contradicts an earlier piece of wisdom about changing sides based on its benefit to you. 🙄
🔸Time controls all things. You aren't the doer. Everything is preordained by Time. Thinly veiled manipulation to get you to be okay with anything you're told. All things are Krsna, man, be chill, let me continue punching your teeth in.
🔸Brahma created all things. When his day ends the universe will burst into flames and seven suns will shine and the earth will suck everything up!!! 😱😱😱 Have no fear, it all returns to brahman.
🔸🤯 The mind is percievable, but the self is hidden. Once you discover your self, you'll be enlightened and free from grief.
🔸Suka wants some contradictions explained concerning this whole "do stuff but actually don't do stuff" rule. You're supposed to do stuff in the beginning and then as you get old you stop doing stuff or whatever.
🔸Yudhisthira says, "Hold up, there isn't an objective standard for virtue." Bhisma tells him a tale about vegetarianism. Checkmate. 😏
🔸Sentence 👏 people 👏 to 👏 death. Look, you just have to. Times have changed lol I love how the "peaceful" alternative was to torture them, though. Fuck. 😂
🔸Why does Siva keep getting done dirty by the other gods? They don't invite him to sacrifices, they ask him to do things then don't wait for him to finish. Like, damn. Press F to pay respects to Siva.
🔸Shit, if you practice Yoga you can enter into people, animals, gods, moUNTAINS.
🔸Narayana is the ultimate. Vsnu is the ultimate. Krsna is the ultimate. They're all the same. Rebirths. Holy trinity? Maybe.
🔸Time controls everything, also everything that happens to you is because of your past deeds, no there's not a conflict there and this definitely isn't disgusting manipulation, haha!!
🔸Offer your wife to your guests. She might not like it, but it's virtuous!!!
🔸If you're a sterile man, you're striving in vain. Fucking weak, pun intended.
🔸Scavenger animals are pathetic and lowly, and you'll be reborn as one if you insult a Brahmin.
🔸It's bad to instruct people of inferior birth. Yay, discrimination!!
🔸Women get more pleasure out of sex 😏 Of course, only cis M/F sex is happening in Mahabharata land and men are just so good at fucking, am I right?
🔸Everything is Krsna, everything is Siva, everything is everything, man. Fuck.
🔸An animal can't be reborn as a Brahmin.
🔸Women are false. They cause sin and lack restraint. Brahma created women to prevent men from going to heaven. Only one woman has ever been safeguarded from wrongdoing. You have to treat them well, though. But watch out.
🔸Give money and gifts to Brahmins. Do whatever they say. You are getting very sleepy!
🔸If you're of higher class and have children with a Sudra man, your children will be mixed breed scum! Sudra women can marry one class up, but that's it!!
🔸You know what? Cows. Yeah. 🐄 Best gift ever. If you kill or eat one, you will suffer in hell for as many years as the cow had hairs. 🥴 But you can use beef in a sraddha ceremony, so I'm confused LOL
🔸Frogs don't have tongues, elephants' tongues are bent backwards, and parrots can't make bird noises because Fire cursed them for being snitches. 😂
🔸Plant trees 🤙
🔸Put food out for the lower classes at least twice a day. Yes, please do some charity, your moral track record (as judged by me) thus far isn't looking great.
🔸There are different levels of heaven and different levels of hell. Dante is pleased.
🔸The good die old and the wicked die young.
>looks at a list of criminals.
Hm...😬
🔸Vegetarians are going to heaven 😏 But it's not sinful to eat animals consecrated during sacrifices or killed during hunting. Uh?? Well, how else were you getting the fucking meat??? 😱
🔸After 50 more days, Bhisma finally dies forreal.
🔸Krsna revives Uttara's stillborn and names him Pariksit. This is Janamejaya's father.
🔸The horse sacrifice is performed. First the horse runs around the world and Arjuna battles the kings. When they return, a bunch of animals are burned up and gold is distributed to everyone based on class and merit.
🔸A half gold mongoose talks shit about Yudhisthira's horse sacrifice. Nothing comes of it but some conjecturing between Janamejaya and Vaisampayana about what to sacrifice and if it's better than performing austerities.
🔸After all Samjaya's insistence that Dhrtarastra's actions caused his suffering, not fate, now a Brahmin named Samba says it wasn't his actions but fate. For fuck's sake. 😂
🔸Vidura fuses his spirit with Yudhisthira ✨
🔸Samba gets dressed up as a woman to prank some seers, but then they curse him and he gives birth to an iron club the next day🤡 Anyway, all the Andhakas and Vrsnis are going to kill each other.
🔸Krsna's mortal body fucking dies because of the curse
🔸The Pandava bros, Draupadi, and a random dog leave the kingdom. As they're passing an ocean, they each fall down and die until only Yudhisthira and the dog remain. Indra congratulates Yudhisthira and says it's time to go to heaven, but Yudhisthira doesn't want to abandon the dog. The dog turns out to be Dharma. You passed the test, man.
🔸Yudhisthira asks where his family is after being taken to heaven and seeing Duryodhana doing great. Narada takes him to hell where Yudhisthira hears his family crying out. He doesn't understand why they're there, but says he's going to stay if this is the truth. The gods appear and hell dissipates. It was another test, bro!!! Everybody's in heaven.
🔸When everyone's (from this story) heaven-granting karma runs out, they fuse with the gods or become purified or whatever.
🔸This is a story within a story. Ugrasravas is telling us what Vaisampayana is telling Janamejaya. Sometimes it goes several layers deeper.
🔸It's nice to know that merely hearing The Mahabharata will cleanse me of my sins and disease. I'll report back later to see if I'm disease and disorder free. Update: I still have Type-1 Diabetes and my other health issues. I'm sure someone will say it's because I read the abridged text or because I don't believe in the text lol
🔸Reincarnation still seems like a total headache, as apparently you can be plucked out of heaven for making simple mistakes. I still don't agree with the idea of lesser and higher beings, as I know a lot of people who would love to be animals and have 0 problems with this. Also apparently some animals can speak here so...that's a plus.
🔸There's still that all too familiar reliance on virginity (Draupadi's virginity gets restored five times!!) and women being the property of their fathers, BUT having sex freely isn't so frowned upon and women aren't demonized for expressing a want to have sex. They can also speak for themselves, which is refreshing.
🔸The Mahabharata looks favoritably upon polygamy, but there are instances that get incesty, like when Draupadi marries the five Pandava brothers.
🔸I don't agree with the caste system laid out here. I don't care how much emphasis is put on how everything is wonderful, or how you can be rebirthed into something better.
🔸Riches come to those who follow dharma and misfortune to those who don't? This isn't how real life works, sorry.
🔸Coveting another king's stuff because he has more than you is bad. I don't agree with monarchies in the first place, but okay, I guess, yeah.
🔸Gambling is sketchy 👍(But Yudhisthira still accepts the challenge because "fate"...don't do that 🤡)
🔸Slavery is fine 🥴
🔸Whores aren't worth respect 👎
🔸DON'T EXPOSE YOUR LONG, GIRTHY COCK TO THE QUEEN 🍆
🔸There's some discussion about it being wise to dismiss wrongdoings toward you, but not only do the characters not follow this advice, I don't particularly think it's great life advice, either? Not when the stakes are as high as what they are in The Mahabharata.
🔸Honestly, I'm here for Bhima. It's kinda hot how he talks about ripping out the organs of his enemies and drinking their blood. Bhima fan club. 🥴💦
🔸The story of Lopamudra, Agastya's wife?? Uh...this reads as child grooming AND incest. It's weird.
🔸King Yuvanasva learns what Mpreg is. First hand. 🤡
🔸Damn, kinda sucks that Brahma will grant boons indiscriminately, so that demons can take the gods' homes. But Arjuna gets it back for them.
🔸Talking snake ascends to heaven.
🔸If you know brahman or give cattle, you go to heaven, otherwise, you're immediately reborn--into what depends on how you lived.
🔸Flood myth!! This one is about a little fish who is cared for by Manu until it's released into the ocean. The fish tells Manu a flood will happen and to build a boat and collect "the seeds of all creatures". The fish moves the boat to the Himalayas, reveals that he's Brahma, and tells Manu to make all creatures.
🔸Ladies, you have difficult dharma--you have to obey your husband above all else! 🥴
🔸Your time in heaven is limited. Mugdala learns this and declines the offer to even go. I guess you can rack up more points if you choose to keep doing charity on Earth instead.
🔸"A dead man cannot know fame; fame can be enjoyed only by the living. The fame of a dead man is like the garland on a corpse." Bruh, the Sun dropping some🔥🔥👌👌
🔸🤡 The Sun sexually assaults Kunti but she remains a virgin and gives birth to a son who she sends down the river in basket. He's adopted and becomes a warrior. Hmm, I wonder where the Bible got that virgin Mary and Moses story??
🔸Citrasena and Indra think Arjuna's battle against the Kauravas is amusing and shower both sides with flowers 😂 They really don't take sides, huh?
🔸Dharma really muddies the waters on right and wrong. Krsna offers help to both Arjuna and Duryodhana because they're both his pals even though the two are about to battle each other. At least Balarama says he's gunna sit this one out. Who needs right or wrong so long as you're following your dharma (and give to Brahmins)? 🤷
🔸Vidura tells Dhrtarastra to give the Pandavas their land back despite his sons' attitudes, and that he's not being truthful or virtuous. Dhrtarastra is flakey and most of this book is his fault.
🔸Sanatsujata says, "Death results from passion" (😳), "the perfect Brahmin...makes no display of his religious practices or his learning" (none of them behave like that during this entire book), "The man who sees himself in all beings does not sorrow" (What if I see myself in a sorrowful being? Checkmate!!).
🔸Krsna tries to negotiate for peace and alliance with Dhrtarastra. He says Duryodhana is following adharma (so why bother sacrificing the lives of your soldiers to help him, Krsna?? 🥴)
🔸Krsna says that if Duryodhana won't change his mind, Dhrtarastra should throw him to the Pandavas to avoid war. I mean, yeah, tbh.
🔸Bruh, Krsna shows his true form and Duryodhana is still like, "no." ☠️☠️☠️ This boy is thick-headed on another level.
🔸Sikhandin faces some transphobia (or sexism) from Bhisma. 😔 Sikhandin was a woman before rebirth, but Bhisma fucked up her marriage, so she asked to be reborn as a man to become a warrior to kill him. Honestly, you go, Sikhandin, kill that MFer.
🔸Arjuna says he could wipe out the other side instantly with his weapon but that it'd be kinda rude so he doesn't ☠️
🔸I'M LAUGHING SO HARD DURYODHANA'S TROOPS AND ANIMALS "PISSED AND SHAT THEMSELVES" WHEN THEY HEARD THEIR OPPOSITION SOUND THE CONCHES
🔸They agree on war conduct that's honestly so polite, it's laughable. Eye for an eye, insult for an insult, don't attack anyone who's distracted, don't kill people who surrender, and DO NOT TOUCH THE MUSICIANS.
🔸The Bhagavadgita!! Give it up for the Bhagavadgita everybody!!! Arjuna's like, "Man, I don't think I should fight, I feel bad for all this." Krsna says, "There's no beginning or end for life. Just kill them, they'll go to heaven or be reborn, it's chill. The perfect act with detachment." Okay, now I know why Krsna didn't have any qualms offering his army to Duryodhana 🤡 This is terrible psychological manipulation to excuse almost anything????
🔸Krsna tells Arjuna that after several high rebirths, people realize he's the supreme being. After they sacrifice to him, they no longer go through rebirths. All other gods were created by him and he supports the universe. Krsna has also been reborn many times.
🔸Krsna clarifies that he creates beings through Brahma. I guess that's a clarification.
🔸Yudhisthira walks to the enemy side to ask the elders for permission to fight them and if they have any weaknesses. His elders praise him and say he's going to win, but that they're still going to fulfill their duty to the Kauravas. Wild.
🔸This reads like a wild manga. Like Fist of the Northstar meets Dragonball Z meets Naruto meets Violence Jack. The characters are single-handedly taking down thousands of troops and also getting pierced by numerous arrows and just...sleeping it off and taking healing herbs.
🔸Your horses were killed? Here have some more. Charioteer killed? Have another. Warriors killed in the thousands? It's fine there are more. Need another weapon? It's here. Looney Tunes logic if I've ever seen it.
🔸Dhrtarastra keeps trying to blame fate for the situation, but Samjaya checks him every time, saying, "Nah, this is specifically you and your sons' faults."
🔸Arjuna and Yudhisthira have to convince Krsna to keep his word about not fighting cuz he gets hella pissed during the battle and was about throw hands with Bhisma.
🔸Duryodhana is wearing Drona's armor "like a woman". This is an insult, of course. 🥴
🔸I don't know what the difference between heaven, Yama's realm, and reincarnation is. I think the warriors are all going to heaven because it's the highest honor to die on the battlefield? I don't understand the purpose of Yama's realm? Are you placed there in a queue to be reborn? Idk??
🔸Everyone feels uncomfortable when Satyaki cuts Bhurisravas' head off because he was dying anyway and a sage. Satyaki explains himself and they get it but don't say anything LOL
🔸One cannot simply cut off Jayadratha's head as their own head will explode when it hits the ground due to a curse from Vrddhaksatra. So Arjuna's arrow carries Jayadratha's head to Vrddhaksatra's lap. Homeboy stands up, Jayadratha's head falls to the ground and he gets fucked by his own curse.
🔸Dhrstadyumna decapitates Drona, and once again, everyone feels salty. Dhrstadyumna and Satyaki get into an argument about who's major feat was dishonorable. They threaten to kill each other, but the boys pull them apart and tell them to chill.
🔸Salya gives Karna the baddest diss track of his life and Karna is salty af. "Boy, you a rabbit before lions, sit down." 💀💀💀
🔸If a Brahmin says something bad will happen to you because you fucked up, don't bother asking forgiveness because Brahmins can't say false things and forgiving you would make their original statement false. 💀
🔸Yudhisthira finds out that Arjuna hasn't killed Karna yet and is like, "Boy, your useless ass--you should have given Gandiva to Krsna. Nah, better yet, you should have been aborted." Then Arjuna tells him to square up, but Krsna shows Arjuna how to deferentiate between wise violence and ignorance for dharma. (The parables here actually weren't too bad. If you have to lie to save a life, then lie. If you have to kill a tyrant to save lives, then kill.) The brothers apologize. So beautiful.
🔸Duryodhana is nearly defeated but our story within a story is interrupted when Janamejaya wants Vaisampayana to tell him what Balarama's been up to. He's been walking around and bathing at holy sites. Continue with Vaisampayana telling Janamejaya what Samjaya is telling Dhrtarastra.
🔸Krsna says Bhima won't be able to win against Duryodhana if he fights fairly, but he does fight fairly and wins, so??
🔸Duryodhana truly was the final boss, cuz once Bhima strikes him down zombies march around, people cross-dress, wells spew blood, and lakes run backwards 👻
🔸Bhima stomps on Duryodhana's head but Yudhisthira starts crying and is like, "Bro stop, the deed is done."
🔸Balarama gets fucking pissed at Bhima and curses him for kicking around Duryodhana. Krsna tells him to chill then asks Yudhisthira what he thinks about it. Krsna pardons Bhima for his behavior.
🔸Their warriors cheer about the defeat, but Krsna says, "He's dead, it's not even worth talking about it." Then Duryodhana (who isn't actually dead, just unable to fight anymore) starts talking trash about how it's not fair. Krsna tells him to shut up, basically. 💀💀💀
🔸Even though Duryodhana is dying he tells his bros to go fuck up the Pancalas one last time.
🔸Asvatthaman watches an owl kill all the crows sleeping on a tree at night and is inspired to strike while everyone is sleeping, which is against the rules, but he doesn't care. Neither does Siva, apparently, (it's fate to balance adharma or something) because Asvatthaman gives him a sacrifice to gain beast mode powers before going to the enemy camp. He sends several warriors, like Dhrstadyumna, to Yama's realm by throat-stomping them. 💀💀💀 Then he, Krpa, and Krtavarman kill everyone else. Monsters start eating the dead. It's crazy.
🔸They go back to Duryodhana to tell him what happened and he dies with peace of mind. 🤡🤡🤡
🔸Yudhisthira and de boys find out what has happened and they rush to find Asvatthaman. They take the jewel on his head and he gets cursed for three thousand years.
🔸Krsna explains why Siva helped Asvatthaman. He had some beef with the other gods because they were being rude af and now he does what he wants, basically LMFAO
🔸Grieving is pointless. The wise don't grieve. 🤡
🔸The destruction of the Kurus was preordained, but it's still Dhrtarastra's fault and his sons were wicked even though they're in heaven now (because this heaven isn't attained by good or bad behavior). Previous lives or something, idk lol
🔸Yudhisthira and co. meet up with Dhrtarastra, who strangles Bhima, but just kidding, it was a substitution jutsu that Krsna had made out of iron in the shape of Bhima because he knew Dhrtarastra was going to try to wring him out.
🔸🤡🤡🤡 Gandhari accosts Bhima about drinking Duhsasana's blood, but hE'S LIKE, "I DIDN'T DRINK IT, I JUST HAD IT IN MY MOUTH." I'M FUCKING SCREAMING
🔸The 18-day war claimed 1,660,020,000 lives with 24,165 MIA 💀💀💀
🔸Despite those wild numbers and the fact the corpses are being EATEN BEFORE THEIR VERY EYES, they uh, PERFORM BURIAL RITES???
🔸Yudhisthira's had enough. He tells everyone he wants to go to the forest and be a Brahmin. Everyone gets pissed and tries to persuade him otherwise by telling him parables.
🔸Renunciation is only appropriate in old age and in times of trouble. I think there's importance in keeping your word, but there's also value in re-assessing the circumstances and deciding on a different course of action. This line of wisdom is rubbish.
🔸No king attains royal glory without killing enemies. Every act involves both right and wrong. I have to question the real world benefit of absolute monarchies on citizens, and why "glory" for a king is necessary. I wouldn't say that every act involves both right and wrong, but that everyone will have a different perspective on an act.
🔸Anyway, Yudhisthira gets consecrated as king.
🔸Uh?? Bhisma is still alive where he fell on the battlefield and he's about to drop some wisdom for Yudhisthira about dharma for kings.
🔸There necessarily has to be a king to uphold dharma or else the Vedas and the four classes would disappear. Okay? Let them. 🤡
🔸A king shares the dharma of his subjects. This isn't a fairytale world. Dharma isn't real.
🔸Be moderate levying taxes. Tax cattle herders mildly!! Don't over-tax merchants or farmers.
🔸All court cases should be public. Poor people should be killed or imprisoned and the ill-behaved should be beaten. Rich people? Just fine them. 🥴 I hate this.
🔸Suppress drinking dens, whores, pimps, and beggars because they're public nuisances. 💀
🔸Keep out thieves and the mighty preying on the weak. 🤙
🔸Spy on your citizens to see if they like you 😂 That's not going to backfire!
🔸Fear the weak because they'll destroy you if not well-cared for. How about not letting anyone be "weak"? Too progressive? Okay, I'll leave.
🔸When you're king make sure you only half trust people cuz these niggas be saying anything. 🧐
🔸Instructions on how to conquer territories. Can't you fuckers be happy with your own prospering land??? At least it specifies to be kind to the conquered citizens...
🔸Cast off hope. Don't have that. 😭
🔸Dharma is impossible without wealth. Steal from the wicked and give to good. Not, like, in a Robin Hood way, but so you can give sacrifices. Dharma, ya heard.
🔸The man who plans ahead fares best. I mean, it's definitely good to have a plan, but that's doesn't mean you'll fare better. Sometimes things cannot be planned for.
🔸Neither foes nor friends are permanent. Not because they'll die, but because you're going to change sides depending on what's best for you!! Embrace your mean girl!!!1
🔸Be mistrustful of everyone. For fuck's sake, this advice is wild.
🔸Killed some cows?? Offer refuge to those who seek it. That'll cleanse your sins.
🔸Okay, so you know how this is a story within a story within a story? Well, our author got a bit confused because Bhisma starts telling Yudhisthira about Janamejaya...the person Vaisampayana is reciting the Pandavas' story to?? He hasn't been born yet...
🔸A weak man shouldn't antagonize and strong man, a fool shouldn't antagonize an intelligent man. That's fine, I guess.
🔸Never harm your friends, even though this contradicts an earlier piece of wisdom about changing sides based on its benefit to you. 🙄
🔸Time controls all things. You aren't the doer. Everything is preordained by Time. Thinly veiled manipulation to get you to be okay with anything you're told. All things are Krsna, man, be chill, let me continue punching your teeth in.
🔸Brahma created all things. When his day ends the universe will burst into flames and seven suns will shine and the earth will suck everything up!!! 😱😱😱 Have no fear, it all returns to brahman.
🔸🤯 The mind is percievable, but the self is hidden. Once you discover your self, you'll be enlightened and free from grief.
🔸Suka wants some contradictions explained concerning this whole "do stuff but actually don't do stuff" rule. You're supposed to do stuff in the beginning and then as you get old you stop doing stuff or whatever.
🔸Yudhisthira says, "Hold up, there isn't an objective standard for virtue." Bhisma tells him a tale about vegetarianism. Checkmate. 😏
🔸Sentence 👏 people 👏 to 👏 death. Look, you just have to. Times have changed lol I love how the "peaceful" alternative was to torture them, though. Fuck. 😂
🔸Why does Siva keep getting done dirty by the other gods? They don't invite him to sacrifices, they ask him to do things then don't wait for him to finish. Like, damn. Press F to pay respects to Siva.
🔸Shit, if you practice Yoga you can enter into people, animals, gods, moUNTAINS.
🔸Narayana is the ultimate. Vsnu is the ultimate. Krsna is the ultimate. They're all the same. Rebirths. Holy trinity? Maybe.
🔸Time controls everything, also everything that happens to you is because of your past deeds, no there's not a conflict there and this definitely isn't disgusting manipulation, haha!!
🔸Offer your wife to your guests. She might not like it, but it's virtuous!!!
🔸If you're a sterile man, you're striving in vain. Fucking weak, pun intended.
🔸Scavenger animals are pathetic and lowly, and you'll be reborn as one if you insult a Brahmin.
🔸It's bad to instruct people of inferior birth. Yay, discrimination!!
🔸Women get more pleasure out of sex 😏 Of course, only cis M/F sex is happening in Mahabharata land and men are just so good at fucking, am I right?
🔸Everything is Krsna, everything is Siva, everything is everything, man. Fuck.
🔸An animal can't be reborn as a Brahmin.
🔸Women are false. They cause sin and lack restraint. Brahma created women to prevent men from going to heaven. Only one woman has ever been safeguarded from wrongdoing. You have to treat them well, though. But watch out.
🔸Give money and gifts to Brahmins. Do whatever they say. You are getting very sleepy!
🔸If you're of higher class and have children with a Sudra man, your children will be mixed breed scum! Sudra women can marry one class up, but that's it!!
🔸You know what? Cows. Yeah. 🐄 Best gift ever. If you kill or eat one, you will suffer in hell for as many years as the cow had hairs. 🥴 But you can use beef in a sraddha ceremony, so I'm confused LOL
🔸Frogs don't have tongues, elephants' tongues are bent backwards, and parrots can't make bird noises because Fire cursed them for being snitches. 😂
🔸Plant trees 🤙
🔸Put food out for the lower classes at least twice a day. Yes, please do some charity, your moral track record (as judged by me) thus far isn't looking great.
🔸There are different levels of heaven and different levels of hell. Dante is pleased.
🔸The good die old and the wicked die young.
>looks at a list of criminals.
Hm...😬
🔸Vegetarians are going to heaven 😏 But it's not sinful to eat animals consecrated during sacrifices or killed during hunting. Uh?? Well, how else were you getting the fucking meat??? 😱
🔸After 50 more days, Bhisma finally dies forreal.
🔸Krsna revives Uttara's stillborn and names him Pariksit. This is Janamejaya's father.
🔸The horse sacrifice is performed. First the horse runs around the world and Arjuna battles the kings. When they return, a bunch of animals are burned up and gold is distributed to everyone based on class and merit.
🔸A half gold mongoose talks shit about Yudhisthira's horse sacrifice. Nothing comes of it but some conjecturing between Janamejaya and Vaisampayana about what to sacrifice and if it's better than performing austerities.
🔸After all Samjaya's insistence that Dhrtarastra's actions caused his suffering, not fate, now a Brahmin named Samba says it wasn't his actions but fate. For fuck's sake. 😂
🔸Vidura fuses his spirit with Yudhisthira ✨
🔸Samba gets dressed up as a woman to prank some seers, but then they curse him and he gives birth to an iron club the next day🤡 Anyway, all the Andhakas and Vrsnis are going to kill each other.
🔸Krsna's mortal body fucking dies because of the curse
🔸The Pandava bros, Draupadi, and a random dog leave the kingdom. As they're passing an ocean, they each fall down and die until only Yudhisthira and the dog remain. Indra congratulates Yudhisthira and says it's time to go to heaven, but Yudhisthira doesn't want to abandon the dog. The dog turns out to be Dharma. You passed the test, man.
🔸Yudhisthira asks where his family is after being taken to heaven and seeing Duryodhana doing great. Narada takes him to hell where Yudhisthira hears his family crying out. He doesn't understand why they're there, but says he's going to stay if this is the truth. The gods appear and hell dissipates. It was another test, bro!!! Everybody's in heaven.
🔸When everyone's (from this story) heaven-granting karma runs out, they fuse with the gods or become purified or whatever.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Animal death, Death, Genocide, Gore, Miscarriage, Misogyny, Rape, Sexual assault, Slavery, Violence, Blood, Grief, Cannibalism, Death of parent, Pregnancy, War, and Injury/Injury detail