Scan barcode
A review by greek_book_wanderer
My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell
challenging
dark
emotional
reflective
sad
fast-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
5.0
It's been days since I finished this book and I'm still trying to find the right words to write this review. I am afraid that it won't do any justice to it but I have so many thoughts, so many things to say and I really want to talk about it. Before you read this review, if you are interested to read My Dark Vanessa, please beware of the trigger warnings and the themes it tackles.
My Dark Vanessa was a book that intrigued me from the moment I saw it on bookstagram. Despite its heavy plot, I felt curious to read it, especially after the very positive reviews. People compared it a lot with Lolita (another book I want to read) so that made my urge to read it even stronger.
From the first pages, I knew that this wouldn't be a nice journey. Even by reading the blurb, I felt sick so once I dived into the book, you can imagine my reactions and thoughts. To put it simply, this is not a pleasant book. Nope. Defnitely not. It's disgusting, saddening, infuriating. But most importantly, it's real. Because no matter how hard we are trying to turn a blind eye to reality, grooming, sexual assaults and violence against women are real events and unfortunately, many people have yet to accept it.
The way Kate Russell described the events in this book was raw. Reading them and learning what was happenning through Vanessa's narration made me extra sick. It was far more personal and disturbing and it added much more depth to the story. Throughout the whole book, I struggled a lot to keep myself calm and prevent me from throwing the book at the wall. There were moments when I literally screamed from anger, moments when I closed the book, took a break and decided to do something more pleasant in order to calm after the disturbing descriptions. The sexual scenes made me want to puke and even cry from frustation. Reading about Vanessa being groomed and manipulated by the monster that was her teacher, a figure that was supposed to help her, made my stomach twist. While I was reading, I was asking myself many times: "Are these things still common? How can these people continue to harass other without being punished? Do we really normalise abuse and blame the victims while protecting the abusers?". In all of these questions the answer was the same:Yes.
The writing was simple yet exceptional. There were many quotes and passages that had a big impact on me while I was reading. Kate truly made me understand Vanessa's struggle and pain and through her words, she portrayed the sad reality in our society. Thankfully, I am in a position where I can't relate with Vanessa but the words touched me deeply and made me think a lot.
The characters in the book were truly one of the best and most interesting aspects of it. From the two main protagonists to the secondary ones, everyone had their role in the story and shaped Vanessa's life. Vanessa herself was so complicated. From an outsider's point of you, it was easy for me to judge her actions and her way of thinking and I couldn't understand at first how she could behave or think like that. While I was reading, I really wanted to scream at her, shake her and talk some sense into her. But more than everything, I just wanted to take her and hug her or comfort her however I could. It was very easy for me to judge her while sitting comfortably in my room and while I had never experienced the attrocities she had to experience. Although it was hard to accept her actions and beliefs, I came to understand why she was like that. She had been groomed and manipulated by Strane since the moment he met her and that continued until she was 32. Her trauma haunted her subconsciously and her relationship with Strane became her whole identity. It was so difficult for her to accept the sad reality that she tried to paint what they had as real love, even though deep down she knew that it wasn't.
This passage of the book is my most favourite:
My Dark Vanessa was a book that intrigued me from the moment I saw it on bookstagram. Despite its heavy plot, I felt curious to read it, especially after the very positive reviews. People compared it a lot with Lolita (another book I want to read) so that made my urge to read it even stronger.
From the first pages, I knew that this wouldn't be a nice journey. Even by reading the blurb, I felt sick so once I dived into the book, you can imagine my reactions and thoughts. To put it simply, this is not a pleasant book. Nope. Defnitely not. It's disgusting, saddening, infuriating. But most importantly, it's real. Because no matter how hard we are trying to turn a blind eye to reality, grooming, sexual assaults and violence against women are real events and unfortunately, many people have yet to accept it.
The way Kate Russell described the events in this book was raw. Reading them and learning what was happenning through Vanessa's narration made me extra sick. It was far more personal and disturbing and it added much more depth to the story. Throughout the whole book, I struggled a lot to keep myself calm and prevent me from throwing the book at the wall. There were moments when I literally screamed from anger, moments when I closed the book, took a break and decided to do something more pleasant in order to calm after the disturbing descriptions. The sexual scenes made me want to puke and even cry from frustation. Reading about Vanessa being groomed and manipulated by the monster that was her teacher, a figure that was supposed to help her, made my stomach twist. While I was reading, I was asking myself many times: "Are these things still common? How can these people continue to harass other without being punished? Do we really normalise abuse and blame the victims while protecting the abusers?". In all of these questions the answer was the same:Yes.
The writing was simple yet exceptional. There were many quotes and passages that had a big impact on me while I was reading. Kate truly made me understand Vanessa's struggle and pain and through her words, she portrayed the sad reality in our society. Thankfully, I am in a position where I can't relate with Vanessa but the words touched me deeply and made me think a lot.
The characters in the book were truly one of the best and most interesting aspects of it. From the two main protagonists to the secondary ones, everyone had their role in the story and shaped Vanessa's life. Vanessa herself was so complicated. From an outsider's point of you, it was easy for me to judge her actions and her way of thinking and I couldn't understand at first how she could behave or think like that. While I was reading, I really wanted to scream at her, shake her and talk some sense into her. But more than everything, I just wanted to take her and hug her or comfort her however I could. It was very easy for me to judge her while sitting comfortably in my room and while I had never experienced the attrocities she had to experience. Although it was hard to accept her actions and beliefs, I came to understand why she was like that. She had been groomed and manipulated by Strane since the moment he met her and that continued until she was 32. Her trauma haunted her subconsciously and her relationship with Strane became her whole identity. It was so difficult for her to accept the sad reality that she tried to paint what they had as real love, even though deep down she knew that it wasn't.
This passage of the book is my most favourite:
“I can’t lose the thing I’ve held onto for so long, you know?” My face twists up from the pain of pushing it out. “I just really need it to be a love story, you know? I really, really need it to be that.”
“I know,” she says.
“Because if it isn’t a love story, then what is it”? I look to her glassy eyes, her face of wide open empathy. “It’s my life,” I say. “This has been my whole life.”
When I read it, I burst into tears and sobbed so hard. All of these years Vanessa had repressed her feelings and trauma and lived in denial. Accepting that Strane had abused and manipulated her meant that her whole reality and identity were wrong. Her whole identity would dismantle and everything she had done for their "relationship" wouldn't have any meaning. She was a victim who couldn't cope with her trauma and who did whatever it could to build a safe bubble around herself. Even if that meant that it would hurt her.
I really wanted to strangle Strane. Seriously, if there was a way to enter a story, I would find one hundred ways to kill him. I could barely stand it whenever he spoke. He was so careful with his words and he knew exactly what to say and what to do in order to manipulate Vanessa. He knew that she was vulnerable and naive and he took advantage of it. He made her feel special, mature and he made her think that what they had was true love. He made her feel special and understood and he knew that he held great power over her when she was young. While she was growing, it was evident that he didn't like the way she was acting, that she wasn't as naive and enthusiastic as she used to be. She wasn't the young girl he had manipulated after all. And that made me even more frustated. He used her and destroyed her life and yet every time he could, he would blame her, gaslight her and make himself appear as the victim. HOW COULD HE BE THE VICTIM IN THIS SITUATION!?
I really hated that at times, Strane said some things that weren't particularly wrong. He maintained a wise and mature aura and it was clear that since he was an adult, he knew more things than Vanessa. But that only strengtened my hatred for him. He was more calculating and wise-spoken than vanessa's 15 years old self and that made their whole "relationship" even more sick.
Strane was a monster. Period. He was sick, he was a freak and he abused his power in order to get what he wanted. His feelings for Vanessa were never genuine. He did whatever he could to get what he wanted, even if that meant that he would hurt Vanessa. He made her feel like she had power over him and yet he was the one with the upper hand. He left his imprint on her and because of him, Vanessa's life was destroyed in many ways. When Vanessa learned that Strane got her expelled from Browick, I was so close to throw the book at the wall and scream at the top of my lungs! But the most tragic part is that people like Strane are real. There are many people who are as manipulative, as abusive and as sick as he is and to think that Russell's portrayal of a predator like him was not exaggerating, makes me feel sick in the stomach.
The secondary characters played a major role in Vanessa's life, from her parents to other people she met throughout the years. I liked reading the happy moments between her and her family, her parents did the best they could and although they could be better in some aspects, they still loved her and cared about her (even if she wasn't able to see it at times). I must say that one of my most favourite character was Ruby, Vanessa's therapist. Their conversation although difficult to read, made me feel...hopeful. She was so patient with Vanessa and she really wanted to help her, even though Vanessa was reluctant. Their sections were some of my most favourite parts of the book and through them and Ruby felt like a comforting presence in the book which made me hopeful for Vanessa.
I have never experienced what Vanessa experienced. And I really hope that I'll never find myself in a similar position. But reading this book was a very eye-opening experience. It's important to keep in mind that victims react differently to sexual abuse and grooming and the book shows it through Vanessa and Taylor's situations. Women like Vanessa and Taylor exist and unfortunately, even now it's not easy for victims of sexual abuse and grooming to be believed (we see that in rape and sexual assault alegations towards celebrities or people of power in general...). As a society, it is important to take action against sexual abusers and believe the victims, no matter the gender, the age or race. The #metoo movement, which is highlighted in the book, has given voice to many victims of sexual assault and hopefully, more people will feel free to speak and race their voice against their abusers.
To the people who are reading this review and saw themselves in Vanessa; I believe you.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Pedophilia, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, and Toxic relationship
Moderate: Cursing and Emotional abuse