A review by kingsnail
My Roommate Is a Vampire by Jenna Levine

3.5

Some additional things from the book that I feel obliged to mention:

  • he gets multiple raging hard ons but also doesn’t blush (this is mentioned several times) and obviously is cold with no heartbeat
    • No explanation is ever offered to explain how he is able to have an erection at all
  • he can’t orgasm unless there’s “blood involved” so he doesn’t want to actually fuck her because he’s “afraid he’ll lose control” so he’s like losing his mind BUT she decides she can fix this problem by BLOWING HIM (how is blowing him different than P in V penetration in this context? No idea) and the reasoning she gives is because it’s helped previous boyfriends last longer in bed if there’s a preemptive orgasm
    • GIRLY POP, that’s not the solution you think it is for this particular thing? 
      • Anyway so while blowing him, she makes him bite her thumb and that works apparently? And he doesn’t take enough to hurt her?
      • You may be asking: “Why didn’t he just stick a twisty straw into a bag of blood from the mini drinks fridge he has in his room as a mid coitus refresher?” And let’s just say…I have no idea. 
  • He tells her she “smells different when she’s aroused” LMAO BRO is that the only way you can tell???? In the context of the scene it’s implied that that’s how he knew she wanted him, which….what? 
  • Each vampire has a random “gift” (no explanation as to the logistics here) so his friend can FLY but his gift is that he grows fruit??? And when he’s nervous, that random fruit grows faster?
    • There’s literally a “forbidden room” in the house that’s mentioned SEVERAL times that smells fruity when you walk by it and it’s because fucking pineapple and kumquats grow in it???! And that’s the entire secret?!?
    • Don’t worry though! Every week he donates it to the food bank. 
      • I don’t know why this was specifically explained to us when there was literally no additional context about these random powers or how they’re dispersed? 
  • I don’t think the daylight hurts these vampires? The only thing that makes them vampires is that they have a random ass power and are immortal. Daylight, mirrors, crosses, stakes, etc don’t seem to make any difference? There wasn’t even a scene about eating garlicky food which honestly feels like a massively squandered opportunity
    • There’s a conversation that happens when they watch Buffy together about what these shows “get right” about vampires and he basically says “they’re right that we’re broody” and because that ONE thing matches up, it’s implied that there was at least one vampire in the Buffy writers room 
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