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A review by townofherons
Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
0.25
Edit: Author is a massive TERF/transphobe. Maybe this explains why I found her writing so self-important and out-of-touch.
I'm reviewing against the grain here, but hear me out.
I’ve read so many books about grief and bereavement. I've met so many bereaved people through grief support groups - both as a griever myself and as a counselor. I'm by no means an expert, but I have experienced a variety of grief and spoken to people with a wide range of experiences.
While this book is lyrical, sensitive, and beautifully written, it presents a very stable look at grief from an affluent and successful woman surrounded by many loving and living family members to share her pain.
Adichie is writing after the death of her elderly father following a years long diagnosis of kidney disease. Her experience of grief is fairly straight forward - her father was 88 years old and had several health issues - so I did find some of the sweeping statements about the meaning of grief lacked a certain depth and self-awareness.
She claims the death of an elderly man suffering from acute kidney disease was sudden and unexpected; I'm sure to her it was a painful tragedy, compounded by the stress of Covid, but I found these statements irritating. It was a reflection on how much of Adichie's life had been plain sailing up to that point. In her middle age, after a life of happiness and comfort, it was this moment that was the first time she'd experienced something that caused her emotional pain.
I was annoyed that she used this experience to claim her expertise on the subject of grief. And yes, I am self-aware, of course it's a lot of envy on my part. Jealousy on behalf of myself, and the thousands of bereaved people I've counseled who would give anything to have the peaceful, uneventful, experience of grief that Adichie describes as being so utterly horrific. After exploring Adichie's biography (she's very wealthy and so was her father) I think she's just out-of-touch, in a similar vein to most rich people who haven't been faced with much difficulty in life.
So, of course, her elderly father's death of natural causes is the worst thing to ever happen to her. And because it's the worst thing that's happened to her, she imagines all grief must be like this, and now she can write confidently about it.
I don’t think you need to have experienced an especially traumatic death to write a book about grief, and I'm not trying to suggest the peaceful death of an elderly person at the end of a long and fruitful life is a breeze to cope with, many of Adichie’s observations are spot on, but she’s also extremely well-adjusted, financially comfortable, and writes with a detached poetic eloquence that is unrelatable at times. It served more as an abstract obituary for this interesting man, a long-form article about his life, rather than 'Notes on Grief'.
I wouldn’t recommend this book to grievers unless your grief journey involves an elderly relative at the end of their life - and, for most people, this is actually their one and only experience with grief. To those people, I am pleased that the statements in this book are helpful, I wish for everyone's grief journey to be as soothing as possible, and of course you have my envy too. For anyone whose journey strays from this path even remotely Adichie’s experience will frustrate you, she'll come across as a presumptuous guru and omnipotent oracle, dispensing generic wisdom.
I'm reviewing against the grain here, but hear me out.
I’ve read so many books about grief and bereavement. I've met so many bereaved people through grief support groups - both as a griever myself and as a counselor. I'm by no means an expert, but I have experienced a variety of grief and spoken to people with a wide range of experiences.
While this book is lyrical, sensitive, and beautifully written, it presents a very stable look at grief from an affluent and successful woman surrounded by many loving and living family members to share her pain.
Adichie is writing after the death of her elderly father following a years long diagnosis of kidney disease. Her experience of grief is fairly straight forward - her father was 88 years old and had several health issues - so I did find some of the sweeping statements about the meaning of grief lacked a certain depth and self-awareness.
She claims the death of an elderly man suffering from acute kidney disease was sudden and unexpected; I'm sure to her it was a painful tragedy, compounded by the stress of Covid, but I found these statements irritating. It was a reflection on how much of Adichie's life had been plain sailing up to that point. In her middle age, after a life of happiness and comfort, it was this moment that was the first time she'd experienced something that caused her emotional pain.
I was annoyed that she used this experience to claim her expertise on the subject of grief. And yes, I am self-aware, of course it's a lot of envy on my part. Jealousy on behalf of myself, and the thousands of bereaved people I've counseled who would give anything to have the peaceful, uneventful, experience of grief that Adichie describes as being so utterly horrific. After exploring Adichie's biography (she's very wealthy and so was her father) I think she's just out-of-touch, in a similar vein to most rich people who haven't been faced with much difficulty in life.
So, of course, her elderly father's death of natural causes is the worst thing to ever happen to her. And because it's the worst thing that's happened to her, she imagines all grief must be like this, and now she can write confidently about it.
I don’t think you need to have experienced an especially traumatic death to write a book about grief, and I'm not trying to suggest the peaceful death of an elderly person at the end of a long and fruitful life is a breeze to cope with, many of Adichie’s observations are spot on, but she’s also extremely well-adjusted, financially comfortable, and writes with a detached poetic eloquence that is unrelatable at times. It served more as an abstract obituary for this interesting man, a long-form article about his life, rather than 'Notes on Grief'.
I wouldn’t recommend this book to grievers unless your grief journey involves an elderly relative at the end of their life - and, for most people, this is actually their one and only experience with grief. To those people, I am pleased that the statements in this book are helpful, I wish for everyone's grief journey to be as soothing as possible, and of course you have my envy too. For anyone whose journey strays from this path even remotely Adichie’s experience will frustrate you, she'll come across as a presumptuous guru and omnipotent oracle, dispensing generic wisdom.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Grief
Minor: Pandemic/Epidemic