A review by nehasavant
I Don't Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real
4.0
I appreciated the many stories he weaved into his explanations of theory. From a stylistic point of view, Real used too many superlatives for my taste. But masculinity is at the core of so many issues (especially our global environmental issues, appreciate that Real braids this in during the conclusion) that some may be warranted. Though this book has helped me understand the socialized men in my life, it’s also helped me understand the masculine parts of myself and how I can better care for them. Would be great to see another edition of this book, 25-30 years later, that includes more discussions of differing gender identities, especially the philosophies of gender non-conforming and trans people.
Quotes:
“ in depression, the childhood violence that has been leveled against the boy – whether physical or psychological, active or passive Dash takes up permanent habitation within him. The depressed man adopts a relationship to himself that mirrors and replicates the dynamics of his own early abuse. This phenomenon, which I called empathic reversal, is the link connecting trauma to depression. To understand the mechanism of empathic reversal, we must except a disturbing truth - that trauma intrinsically involves fusion between the offender and his victim. In the very moment of damage, some form of unholy intimacy occurs, in part because trauma always involves a failure of boundaries. In active trauma, a child’s boundaries are violated. The parent is uncontained, out of control. In passive trauma, the parent neglect the child’s needs; The boundary between parent and child is to rigid, impenetrable. Both are instances of a boundary dysfunction. Most often, childhood trauma results from the layering of both kinds of boundary failure” (pg. 204)
“When a child is traumatized - by a parent who is either negligent or out of control – his first and most profound response will be to take responsibility for the failing parent. When a child comes face-to-face with the caregiver’s pathology, that child will do whatever he must to reinstate the caregiver psychological equilibrium. A child’s need to preserve his attachment, his willingness to contort himself into whatever shape the parent needs him to be in during such moments represents one of the least recognized, most pervasive, and most powerful psychological forces in human development.” (Pg. 205)
“When a parent traumatizes a child, he is in a state of shamelessness. If the injure felt appropriate shame, he would contain his humful behavior. The shame apparent does not consciously feel will be absorbed along with other unconscious feelings, by the child.” (pg. 206)
“This culture, with its reliance on performance-based esteem, gives men few models for healthy sacrifice. I often give men I work with the following simple example: a small manufacturer finds himself in the position of being able to triple his profits by dumping toxic waste into a nearby stream. But he might also understand that his children and grandchildren would run an increased risk of getting cancer. Any sane man would forgo the immediate gain of increased profits for the long-term gain of safety and a clean conscience. This is not a dispute between selfishness and altruism. It is a dispute between shortsighted greed and farsighted wisdom. Similarly, when a man “gives in“ to his wife’s desire to stay at home and watch a video on a particular evening rather than go out to the movies, he does so not because she has one and he has lost, but because he is caretaking a relationship that is in his best interest to preserve.” (pg. 332)
Quotes:
“ in depression, the childhood violence that has been leveled against the boy – whether physical or psychological, active or passive Dash takes up permanent habitation within him. The depressed man adopts a relationship to himself that mirrors and replicates the dynamics of his own early abuse. This phenomenon, which I called empathic reversal, is the link connecting trauma to depression. To understand the mechanism of empathic reversal, we must except a disturbing truth - that trauma intrinsically involves fusion between the offender and his victim. In the very moment of damage, some form of unholy intimacy occurs, in part because trauma always involves a failure of boundaries. In active trauma, a child’s boundaries are violated. The parent is uncontained, out of control. In passive trauma, the parent neglect the child’s needs; The boundary between parent and child is to rigid, impenetrable. Both are instances of a boundary dysfunction. Most often, childhood trauma results from the layering of both kinds of boundary failure” (pg. 204)
“When a child is traumatized - by a parent who is either negligent or out of control – his first and most profound response will be to take responsibility for the failing parent. When a child comes face-to-face with the caregiver’s pathology, that child will do whatever he must to reinstate the caregiver psychological equilibrium. A child’s need to preserve his attachment, his willingness to contort himself into whatever shape the parent needs him to be in during such moments represents one of the least recognized, most pervasive, and most powerful psychological forces in human development.” (Pg. 205)
“When a parent traumatizes a child, he is in a state of shamelessness. If the injure felt appropriate shame, he would contain his humful behavior. The shame apparent does not consciously feel will be absorbed along with other unconscious feelings, by the child.” (pg. 206)
“This culture, with its reliance on performance-based esteem, gives men few models for healthy sacrifice. I often give men I work with the following simple example: a small manufacturer finds himself in the position of being able to triple his profits by dumping toxic waste into a nearby stream. But he might also understand that his children and grandchildren would run an increased risk of getting cancer. Any sane man would forgo the immediate gain of increased profits for the long-term gain of safety and a clean conscience. This is not a dispute between selfishness and altruism. It is a dispute between shortsighted greed and farsighted wisdom. Similarly, when a man “gives in“ to his wife’s desire to stay at home and watch a video on a particular evening rather than go out to the movies, he does so not because she has one and he has lost, but because he is caretaking a relationship that is in his best interest to preserve.” (pg. 332)