A review by partiatwork
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Phew! Okay so there's a lot to unpack in this book. It was a GRIM read, especially figuring out my own feelings about some people I could recognize were abusers in my circle.
The Author, Lundy Bancroft has laid out the content in a logical manner, covering quite a bit of ground from the grassroot reasons, to the role of families and friends in abuse, from how to get out safely to how to approach the courts for justice. I was especially interested in the aspects our society encourages abuse.
Although the situation is slightly better now, I come from a society that encourages covering up abuse to protect "family honor". Stalking women= he's in love with you. "He's mean to you because he likes you, silly!"." If I had beaten you when you were growing up, you'd have turned out right". "She's a wayward girl, she thinks she's independent ". I could go on and on. And of course the abuse isn't just limited to women, there are men and children who bear the brunt too.
Just like almost anything else in life, abuse doesn't mean a set criteria that automatically makes people abusers. It's a continuum spectrum, with the physical batterers on one side, and the occasionally - demeaning - remarks people on the other end. As a result, the smaller actions are often trivialised, to absolve people of their deeds. "He gets angry, otherwise he's a good dad.""He's stressed by his job, he can take it out only on us".
The abusers typically hate to lose control of their victims. Hence, any attempts to get out of his leash is met with retaliation from his side. "She's crazy, she tries to brainwash kids to take her side". Control is such an important part of these tendencies. A man/woman can control their spouse by being physically intimidating or emotionally manipulative. This is how they can keep the power in the relationship. Now if the victim doesn't work, cannot be independent or have children this further adds to the imbalance in the relationship. These reasons can and will be used against the victims.
One significant point this book makes: As an outsider trying to help, never force someone in an abusive relationship to leave. The victim is the only one who knows the dynamics and only he/she can take a call on that. Make an effort to support them as long as they are ready.
I could go on and on, but for the sake of my sanity I will stop here.
The good points: the author has not only mentioned about women abusers, but also abusers in same-sex relationships. I feel being in the year 2020, this is the extent of awareness one should aim for. The topics covered are in depth and fulfills my need for information and context. I felt the tone of the book was strong headed, maybe to reinforce the danger the women who are in such a situation,are in, or maybe because I didn't have any physical batterers for reference in real life while reading this book. Although I felt this book made some good points, there were some points which I felt didn't exactly sit well with me. For example, the author says, over a period of 15-20 years, they have worked with thousands of Individuals, hence anything they have learnt in that time is the ultimate truth. Which I feel slightly cynical about. Although there is a extensive resource of programs and books one can peruse in the book, there is a lack of proper citations. And lastly, the book was published in 2002, and requires an updated version. I understand this isn't their fault per se, but it would be interesting to note how their content could adapt to our present context.
Lastly, my judgement is clouded by my feelings towards such people, thus I will not rate this book atm.
The Author, Lundy Bancroft has laid out the content in a logical manner, covering quite a bit of ground from the grassroot reasons, to the role of families and friends in abuse, from how to get out safely to how to approach the courts for justice. I was especially interested in the aspects our society encourages abuse.
Although the situation is slightly better now, I come from a society that encourages covering up abuse to protect "family honor". Stalking women= he's in love with you. "He's mean to you because he likes you, silly!"." If I had beaten you when you were growing up, you'd have turned out right". "She's a wayward girl, she thinks she's independent ". I could go on and on. And of course the abuse isn't just limited to women, there are men and children who bear the brunt too.
Just like almost anything else in life, abuse doesn't mean a set criteria that automatically makes people abusers. It's a continuum spectrum, with the physical batterers on one side, and the occasionally - demeaning - remarks people on the other end. As a result, the smaller actions are often trivialised, to absolve people of their deeds. "He gets angry, otherwise he's a good dad.""He's stressed by his job, he can take it out only on us".
The abusers typically hate to lose control of their victims. Hence, any attempts to get out of his leash is met with retaliation from his side. "She's crazy, she tries to brainwash kids to take her side". Control is such an important part of these tendencies. A man/woman can control their spouse by being physically intimidating or emotionally manipulative. This is how they can keep the power in the relationship. Now if the victim doesn't work, cannot be independent or have children this further adds to the imbalance in the relationship. These reasons can and will be used against the victims.
One significant point this book makes: As an outsider trying to help, never force someone in an abusive relationship to leave. The victim is the only one who knows the dynamics and only he/she can take a call on that. Make an effort to support them as long as they are ready.
I could go on and on, but for the sake of my sanity I will stop here.
The good points: the author has not only mentioned about women abusers, but also abusers in same-sex relationships. I feel being in the year 2020, this is the extent of awareness one should aim for. The topics covered are in depth and fulfills my need for information and context. I felt the tone of the book was strong headed, maybe to reinforce the danger the women who are in such a situation,are in, or maybe because I didn't have any physical batterers for reference in real life while reading this book. Although I felt this book made some good points, there were some points which I felt didn't exactly sit well with me. For example, the author says, over a period of 15-20 years, they have worked with thousands of Individuals, hence anything they have learnt in that time is the ultimate truth. Which I feel slightly cynical about. Although there is a extensive resource of programs and books one can peruse in the book, there is a lack of proper citations. And lastly, the book was published in 2002, and requires an updated version. I understand this isn't their fault per se, but it would be interesting to note how their content could adapt to our present context.
Lastly, my judgement is clouded by my feelings towards such people, thus I will not rate this book atm.