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A review by srfrq
I Hope We Choose Love: A Trans Girl's Notes from the End of the World by Kai Cheng Thom
5.0
tw: exploration of abuse, sexual assault, rape, and suicide
"forgiveness is the most powerful weapon (and the most difficult to wield)"
i think this book gave me permission almost, to think and feel. in a persistently socially surveilled environment, everything we do is scrutinized and this book felt like taking off a winter jacket or a backpack, stepping out of a safety net. this book was written for trans women more specifically but the first half of it i feel is applicable to the "social justice community" as a whole. this review is probably going to be like more of a rant or reflection tbh, i can feel my thoughts swirling around. i know it's selfish of me to reflect on my own life when this book was meant to be for trans women. i don't know why i'm still continuing but it doesn't feel right to stop? maybe it's right and wrong.
i was blown away by carework and now this book too! the whole purpose of a movement against oppressive systems is to be able to think critically about them but there seems to be a rigidness that has developed. someone says something on twitter or at a gathering and it is celebrated as the only truth. as much as we try to avoid binaries, we think in right and wrong and no in betweens! especially on social media, there's this urge to save face and to follow the mainstream opinion because they're more "right" and this selfishness strays from actual change.
i find myself validating mine and others' experiences regardless of long-term or short-term or life changing consequences and sometimes i think maybe i shouldn't have. that thought is usually pushed away because if i'm not validating others then that means i don't care about them right? no! kai explains how relationships are meant to be complex and full of tension (not abuse), that only means that you love someone enough to step in and stop them from doing something that might harm them.
there's this poem on page 35 that speaks volumes to identity politics and oppression olympics as they're called on twitter. and then she discusses suicide and mental illness and how we cannot reduce a death by suicide to an individual's illness. there's abuse, neglect, isolation and of course the oppressive systems that uphold these experiences.
she explores the idea of safety and how to create a community where we are actually safe, where our whole selves are accepted. we can make mistakes and do something careless or stupid but also be able to make amends and heal together. no one should be disposable. if we all think about when we weren't yet schooled in the sport of "social justice activism", before we entered the sphere of virtual radicalization, we also made many mistakes, used the "wrong" language and honestly we don't even have to go into the past! we all make mistakes and are making mistakes. we don't exist as one or the other, right or wrong, we can be right and wrong, multiple and contradictory truths can exist at once.
the next chapter made me kind of uncomfortable, the complexities of consent and multiple definitions of it that can exist for different experiences and people. the explicit consent part doesn't really make sense because people don't actually interact like that but then how do you know what boundaries are? yours and someone else's? when you freeze, what happens? i know we can't put everything into a nice box and label everyone's experiences and there's no singular truth. i know i'm complicit in being a bystander and no, i'm trying to be all "holier than thou" by saying that, i'm just thinking out loud and trying to be honest with myself.
for my review on "one of us is lying", i went all twitter mode i think, thinking i was really doing some great thing, writing a negative review about a book i hated. i was mad and i let rage get the best of me. i don't regret it! but i think i could've written it in a better way, without naming "problematic" things just for the sake of naming and recognizing them.
the whole me too movement really uncovered things and reinforced punishment as a form of "justice". kai explores the concept of justice further, and admits to not even knowing what it means! it's true, a lot of words and concepts that are talked about either change or evolve or don't have a concrete meaning. she talks about how much energy she spent to live up to the leftist ideals of justice and accountability, using the right language, doing the right things, accepting when something was "problematic". it took so much out of her!
i know this book is written for trans women but i find myself falling down that path as well, investing time and energy into "proving" myself as someone who cares. it's draining, and i learned from kai that it might not really be worth it! i know that's a pessimistic way of thinking, but i feel seen when someone else also admits it? also something that reeeeaaalllyyy blew my mind was this part:
"we like to think of our punishments as humane; that is, we like to think of them as non-punishment...leftists, in particular, do not like to see ourselves as perpetrators of cycles of violence because we claim to abhor violence. one notices, though, that the prison-industrial complex and legal criminal justice system also make claims to the moral sanctity of their use of punishments."
like....we claim to be abolitionists but don't practice it! i'm saying we as if i'm part of an active movement or a grassroots organization or even a non-profit. i'm not, and i know reading doesn't make me part of a movement and gaining this much knowledge about theory and others' lived experiences won't really make an actual difference in the world. but at this point, after being drained of literally just living, i don't even know if it's worth it.
what i do know is that i want to guide my siblings, and grow with my friends. at this point, survival is a form of resistance for me, and i know i'm privileged enough to be sitting here thinking about all of this when people in my own borough are struggling to make ends meet. i'm not sure what my future holds, and i'm not sure if i can survive trying to be a part of the "social justice community" or if i even am part of it lollll. ever since i left social media, i've been "out of the loop", i don't hear about tragedies until my sisters tell me about it and i don't think i was ever part of the "social justice community". i don't know why i placed such importance on myself to be part of something "meaningful". i'm alive, i'm going to let go of my rage and revenge and try to choose love more often and that should be meaningful enough.
"forgiveness is the most powerful weapon (and the most difficult to wield)"
i think this book gave me permission almost, to think and feel. in a persistently socially surveilled environment, everything we do is scrutinized and this book felt like taking off a winter jacket or a backpack, stepping out of a safety net. this book was written for trans women more specifically but the first half of it i feel is applicable to the "social justice community" as a whole. this review is probably going to be like more of a rant or reflection tbh, i can feel my thoughts swirling around. i know it's selfish of me to reflect on my own life when this book was meant to be for trans women. i don't know why i'm still continuing but it doesn't feel right to stop? maybe it's right and wrong.
i was blown away by carework and now this book too! the whole purpose of a movement against oppressive systems is to be able to think critically about them but there seems to be a rigidness that has developed. someone says something on twitter or at a gathering and it is celebrated as the only truth. as much as we try to avoid binaries, we think in right and wrong and no in betweens! especially on social media, there's this urge to save face and to follow the mainstream opinion because they're more "right" and this selfishness strays from actual change.
i find myself validating mine and others' experiences regardless of long-term or short-term or life changing consequences and sometimes i think maybe i shouldn't have. that thought is usually pushed away because if i'm not validating others then that means i don't care about them right? no! kai explains how relationships are meant to be complex and full of tension (not abuse), that only means that you love someone enough to step in and stop them from doing something that might harm them.
there's this poem on page 35 that speaks volumes to identity politics and oppression olympics as they're called on twitter. and then she discusses suicide and mental illness and how we cannot reduce a death by suicide to an individual's illness. there's abuse, neglect, isolation and of course the oppressive systems that uphold these experiences.
she explores the idea of safety and how to create a community where we are actually safe, where our whole selves are accepted. we can make mistakes and do something careless or stupid but also be able to make amends and heal together. no one should be disposable. if we all think about when we weren't yet schooled in the sport of "social justice activism", before we entered the sphere of virtual radicalization, we also made many mistakes, used the "wrong" language and honestly we don't even have to go into the past! we all make mistakes and are making mistakes. we don't exist as one or the other, right or wrong, we can be right and wrong, multiple and contradictory truths can exist at once.
the next chapter made me kind of uncomfortable, the complexities of consent and multiple definitions of it that can exist for different experiences and people. the explicit consent part doesn't really make sense because people don't actually interact like that but then how do you know what boundaries are? yours and someone else's? when you freeze, what happens? i know we can't put everything into a nice box and label everyone's experiences and there's no singular truth. i know i'm complicit in being a bystander and no, i'm trying to be all "holier than thou" by saying that, i'm just thinking out loud and trying to be honest with myself.
for my review on "one of us is lying", i went all twitter mode i think, thinking i was really doing some great thing, writing a negative review about a book i hated. i was mad and i let rage get the best of me. i don't regret it! but i think i could've written it in a better way, without naming "problematic" things just for the sake of naming and recognizing them.
the whole me too movement really uncovered things and reinforced punishment as a form of "justice". kai explores the concept of justice further, and admits to not even knowing what it means! it's true, a lot of words and concepts that are talked about either change or evolve or don't have a concrete meaning. she talks about how much energy she spent to live up to the leftist ideals of justice and accountability, using the right language, doing the right things, accepting when something was "problematic". it took so much out of her!
i know this book is written for trans women but i find myself falling down that path as well, investing time and energy into "proving" myself as someone who cares. it's draining, and i learned from kai that it might not really be worth it! i know that's a pessimistic way of thinking, but i feel seen when someone else also admits it? also something that reeeeaaalllyyy blew my mind was this part:
"we like to think of our punishments as humane; that is, we like to think of them as non-punishment...leftists, in particular, do not like to see ourselves as perpetrators of cycles of violence because we claim to abhor violence. one notices, though, that the prison-industrial complex and legal criminal justice system also make claims to the moral sanctity of their use of punishments."
like....we claim to be abolitionists but don't practice it! i'm saying we as if i'm part of an active movement or a grassroots organization or even a non-profit. i'm not, and i know reading doesn't make me part of a movement and gaining this much knowledge about theory and others' lived experiences won't really make an actual difference in the world. but at this point, after being drained of literally just living, i don't even know if it's worth it.
what i do know is that i want to guide my siblings, and grow with my friends. at this point, survival is a form of resistance for me, and i know i'm privileged enough to be sitting here thinking about all of this when people in my own borough are struggling to make ends meet. i'm not sure what my future holds, and i'm not sure if i can survive trying to be a part of the "social justice community" or if i even am part of it lollll. ever since i left social media, i've been "out of the loop", i don't hear about tragedies until my sisters tell me about it and i don't think i was ever part of the "social justice community". i don't know why i placed such importance on myself to be part of something "meaningful". i'm alive, i'm going to let go of my rage and revenge and try to choose love more often and that should be meaningful enough.