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A review by floralfox
Conviction by Kelly Loy Gilbert
5.0
THIS BOOK WRECKED ME. Gutted me. It was heartbreaking.
Braden Raynor is a senior in high school, star pitcher of the baseball team, and son of Christian conservative radio host Mart Raynor. His older brother Trey left 8 years ago to be a restaurateur in New York, and to escape his family. This leaves Braden feeling abandoned and resentful: his father has ingrained in him several lessons which Braden strongly believes to be true, but the problem is these lessons on loyalty, love, masculinity, and God are warped and Braden is too young and vulnerable to be able to parse out what is true and what is not true.
For example, Braden believes that any slight on the ball field must be avenged, whether to himself or a teammate. He uses his status as pitcher to harm the other team when they have played dirty. He doesn't believe in rising above (his father equates that with weakness) and so he intentionally aims to hit and hurt rivals. In one scene. Braden is caught between two poles of himself.
Braden himself is not always likable. He has picked up his father's homophobia (in one horrible scene,). He pushes and pushes his brother and tries to guilt him for for being a "bad son" and to forgive their father, even though Braden only knows part of the story why Trey refuses to do that. He espouses the same ideas as his father on illegal immigration, race, sin, and God. You dislike Braden for this, and you feel for him: he is a product of his father, and especially, of his father's abuse. This book challenged me: you want to hold people to a standard and believe that they are responsible for being better, despite what they have been taught. Then you read this book and realize how convoluted and complex that system really is. Even if Braden wanted to be better, he had nowhere to start, and a whole lot to lose by straying from his father's opinions.
Gilbert's depiction of abuse here is stunning. Sometimes you read a book and watch a movie and the abuse feels horrible, but not real. Here it's real. Mart Raynor reminded me of friends' ex-boyfriends, friends' parents, and sometimes, my own father. Mart both recognizes and fails to recognize his abuse. He constantly promises to be better, insists he does the things he does because he loves Braden (or Trey), feels betrayed and punishes his kids for not behaving exactly as he wants (not loving/putting their all into baseball, not proving their love to him), and drowns himself in liquor after his episodes of abuse.
The scenes of abuse will make you sick: 1. Braden, at one point, goes to visit the mother that abandoned him. He misses a baseball scrimmage to do this. He has 90+ missed calls from his father, who called the police. The police are startled by his behavior: he seems less concerned about the fact that his kid is missing than the fact that his kid is missing his scrimmage. When Braden returns and admits where he's been, 2. At an earlier point, on Trey's birthday years after Trey has left the family, Braden does the unthinkable and pitches a perfect game. Nobody gets a run, hit, walk, bunt, etc. on him. His father is so proud. Does he want to go out to dinner and talk about the game? This is a slight alteration on their routine: usually they go home and order take out, but his father wants to take him out. Braden asks if, actually, would it be possible--the guys are all hanging out tonight to celebrate the win? Could he go, just for a little bit? Braden sees the hurt in his father's eyes, but Mart says yes. Braden leaves early (after having so much fun and asking himself why he doesn't do this more?) and comes home to his father sitting on the edge of his bed 3. In another scene, when Braden is much younger, maybe 11, on the hottest day of the year, over 102, he and his father go practice at the baseball fields as usual. Braden is sluggish and doesn't put his all into it. 4. Braden gets a "standard" birthday latter from his father. In it, his father The central plot point revolves around Braden's father being on trial for murdering a cop. Braden is the key witness. He's got himself sick over the thought of testifying, worried that he'll screw it up (the prosecution is asking for the death penalty). Gilbert holds out on giving Braden's account of what happened until well over halfway through the book:
Ultimately, the book is just fascinating and well-paced and realistic, even in its horribleness. 5 stars.
Braden Raynor is a senior in high school, star pitcher of the baseball team, and son of Christian conservative radio host Mart Raynor. His older brother Trey left 8 years ago to be a restaurateur in New York, and to escape his family. This leaves Braden feeling abandoned and resentful: his father has ingrained in him several lessons which Braden strongly believes to be true, but the problem is these lessons on loyalty, love, masculinity, and God are warped and Braden is too young and vulnerable to be able to parse out what is true and what is not true.
For example, Braden believes that any slight on the ball field must be avenged, whether to himself or a teammate. He uses his status as pitcher to harm the other team when they have played dirty. He doesn't believe in rising above (his father equates that with weakness) and so he intentionally aims to hit and hurt rivals. In one scene. Braden is caught between two poles of himself.
Spoiler
A rival "spikes" his teammate Greg, crashing into first base heels first and slicing up Greg's heel. He can't play for the rest of the season. Braden plans on retaliating, but when he's on first base after getting intentionally walked, the other team's first baseman begs him not to: he understands why Braden would want to, but asks him for mercy for his teammate. His little sister is sick, and the brother isn't a match. It's wrecked him. Braden knows if he doesn't retaliate his father would not only be disappointed, he'd be furious at Braden for showing disloyalty to Greg. When Braden makess the honorable choice, he punishes himself for his failure to be loyal.Braden himself is not always likable. He has picked up his father's homophobia (in one horrible scene,
Spoiler
he screams and mocks a teammate for losing the game and tell him to "bend over" for a baseball rival known to be gayGilbert's depiction of abuse here is stunning. Sometimes you read a book and watch a movie and the abuse feels horrible, but not real. Here it's real. Mart Raynor reminded me of friends' ex-boyfriends, friends' parents, and sometimes, my own father. Mart both recognizes and fails to recognize his abuse. He constantly promises to be better, insists he does the things he does because he loves Braden (or Trey), feels betrayed and punishes his kids for not behaving exactly as he wants (not loving/putting their all into baseball, not proving their love to him), and drowns himself in liquor after his episodes of abuse.
The scenes of abuse will make you sick: 1. Braden, at one point, goes to visit the mother that abandoned him. He misses a baseball scrimmage to do this. He has 90+ missed calls from his father, who called the police. The police are startled by his behavior: he seems less concerned about the fact that his kid is missing than the fact that his kid is missing his scrimmage. When Braden returns and admits where he's been,
Spoiler
Mart takes a baseball bat to his car. Braden thinks he'll take the baseball bat to himself, and when Mart realizes he's scared, Mart crumples and insists that Braden shouldn't be afraid of him. He would never hurt him, he says. He loves him. He had to do this. He needs Braden to know that of course his mother wouldn't want him in her life. He, Braden's father, is the only person that could even truly love Braden.Spoiler
with a gun in his hands, turning it over, drunk off his ass. Braden pleads with his father to put the gun away, terrified his father is going to hurt himself. Braden knows that his father's father killed himself in their garage and Mart found him on his 16th birthday (Mart refers to everyone who ever loved him leaving him behind and abandoning him--this is what he means, and what he turns around on his kids). When the situation finally de-escalates, Braden scolds himself for being such a terrible son and leaving his dad alone on Trey's birthday.Spoiler
His father "graciously" takes his ball and bat and water so he won't have to carry it, and tells Braden to walk home to think about what he's done.Spoiler
rates Braden. School: 10. Attitude: 6. Baseball: 7-9. Loyalty: ?Spoiler
Mart asks Braden why he went to see his mother, reiterating that he can be the only one that loves him. Braden is snippy with Mart because Mart's punishment for Braden rebelling by talking to his mother is to control his every move. Mart tells Braden to get in the car, refuses to tell him where they're going, and ends up at a dirty old house several towns away. He gets a tattoo with Trey and Braden's name, to prove his love for them, then acts sheepish about asking Braden to get a tattoo with his name. Braden refuses and tells him his father wasted his time. His father drives erratically on the freeway home to scare Braden, and slams Braden's head against the car door. Braden unbuckles and rolls out of the car to run away in the fog. By the time he gets Braden back in the car, he's been in "an accident" that he doesn't tell Braden about. Braden only learns when they're swarmed by police on the way home. His father asks Braden to lie for him. And there is the central plot of the novel: what will Braden do in court?Spoiler
Ultimately, the book is just fascinating and well-paced and realistic, even in its horribleness. 5 stars.