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A review by idratherbereading542
Wallbanger by Alice Clayton
Did not finish book.
DNF 51%
Man, I paid $9 for this and I hate to not finish it but I just can’t!
So I picked up this book because I kept coming across it when searching for certain things. It kept coming up on lists for books with things I like in a romance: humor, witty characters, steamy sex, dirty talk, etc. Lies! These are lies….
Humor… yeah in the overly cheesy roll your eyes and not even laughing out loud kind of way. So yeah, not the kind of humor I like. It was just too much. SUPER cheesy sexual innuendoes that can’t even be contributed to the sexual tension between the characters. Oh and food porn humor? Apparently this guy with a six pack can eat an entire loaf of zucchini bread and whatever other desserts she makes up for him nearly every day. And it’s all so “sexy”… or so we’re told. What is sexy about zucchini bread? Nothing. Seriously. Nothing. The kind of humor I like? Sarcasm, witty and clever banter, well-placed awkward situations with the characters having priceless reactions. Not this. So not this.
Witty Characters… No, not really. Try mental characters instead. These peeps make no sense. They are too fluffy and happy and boring and not interesting in the least. Caroline is like a 12 year old in a 26 year olds body with the way she acts. Her friends are no better and they sound like seriously the strangest looking group of people: Caroline - hot and sexy (her own words) and blonde, Sophie - a redhead that is 6’ tall? (Seriously), and Mimi - tiny Asian woman who loves huge guys that have to pick her up to kiss her. Wha? Seriously? It’s just like the author had to be politically correct and include every body type here. Then there’s Simon, who started off a mysterious guy and I was intrigued by him… until we meet him. He’s so lame and boring. He’s kind of a pussy to be honest (or should I say he’s a “Lower Caroline”). He doesn’t seem to have a masculine bone in his body. I just can’t. He’s not interesting to me at all and it doesn’t take much to peak my interest (I can go for any hero from aholes to rakes to the boy or even vampire next door).
And as for the hot sex and dirty talk. It’s not happening. I know I DNF the book but their first close encounter is Caroline blabbing on about how her “O” might be coming out of hiding because “she’s” (her “O”) is so turned on. O is what she calls her orgasm, which she personifies likes it’s a being (more on that later). And so I decided to cheat. I searched the book for several words I would consider would be used during dirty talk. Nope. None. Why was this in a list for having dirty talk? More like cheesy talk…
Okay I’m sure I could rant on and on, but I’ll say just one more thing… What’s up with all the personification of all of her body parts and functions? It’s so weird and distracting and downright cheesy… “Brain”, “Heart”, “O”, “Lower Caroline”. Oh come on, seriously? Lower Caroline? Just say pussy or nothing at all would be better! Lol She seriously sounds like a mental case referring to all of her body parts and functions as if they are old friends/enemies. *eyeroll* Oh and speaking of being a mental case she also has entire (detailed) back and forth conversations with herself in the mirror, referring to her reflection as “Mirror Caroline”. Gah! Just no.
So if you’re looking for a super cheesy and really lame romance that involves irritating characters who are in their late 20’s but act like they are 12 then this is perfect for you! If not, well I can’t say I personally recommend it and I don’t appreciate that it had to be $9 for the kindle version when most books of this genre are at most $4.99 or on Kindle Unlimited. What a waste…
Man, I paid $9 for this and I hate to not finish it but I just can’t!
So I picked up this book because I kept coming across it when searching for certain things. It kept coming up on lists for books with things I like in a romance: humor, witty characters, steamy sex, dirty talk, etc. Lies! These are lies….
Humor… yeah in the overly cheesy roll your eyes and not even laughing out loud kind of way. So yeah, not the kind of humor I like. It was just too much. SUPER cheesy sexual innuendoes that can’t even be contributed to the sexual tension between the characters. Oh and food porn humor? Apparently this guy with a six pack can eat an entire loaf of zucchini bread and whatever other desserts she makes up for him nearly every day. And it’s all so “sexy”… or so we’re told. What is sexy about zucchini bread? Nothing. Seriously. Nothing. The kind of humor I like? Sarcasm, witty and clever banter, well-placed awkward situations with the characters having priceless reactions. Not this. So not this.
Witty Characters… No, not really. Try mental characters instead. These peeps make no sense. They are too fluffy and happy and boring and not interesting in the least. Caroline is like a 12 year old in a 26 year olds body with the way she acts. Her friends are no better and they sound like seriously the strangest looking group of people: Caroline - hot and sexy (her own words) and blonde, Sophie - a redhead that is 6’ tall? (Seriously), and Mimi - tiny Asian woman who loves huge guys that have to pick her up to kiss her. Wha? Seriously? It’s just like the author had to be politically correct and include every body type here. Then there’s Simon, who started off a mysterious guy and I was intrigued by him… until we meet him. He’s so lame and boring. He’s kind of a pussy to be honest (or should I say he’s a “Lower Caroline”). He doesn’t seem to have a masculine bone in his body. I just can’t. He’s not interesting to me at all and it doesn’t take much to peak my interest (I can go for any hero from aholes to rakes to the boy or even vampire next door).
And as for the hot sex and dirty talk. It’s not happening. I know I DNF the book but their first close encounter is Caroline blabbing on about how her “O” might be coming out of hiding because “she’s” (her “O”) is so turned on. O is what she calls her orgasm, which she personifies likes it’s a being (more on that later). And so I decided to cheat. I searched the book for several words I would consider would be used during dirty talk. Nope. None. Why was this in a list for having dirty talk? More like cheesy talk…
Okay I’m sure I could rant on and on, but I’ll say just one more thing… What’s up with all the personification of all of her body parts and functions? It’s so weird and distracting and downright cheesy… “Brain”, “Heart”, “O”, “Lower Caroline”. Oh come on, seriously? Lower Caroline? Just say pussy or nothing at all would be better! Lol She seriously sounds like a mental case referring to all of her body parts and functions as if they are old friends/enemies. *eyeroll* Oh and speaking of being a mental case she also has entire (detailed) back and forth conversations with herself in the mirror, referring to her reflection as “Mirror Caroline”. Gah! Just no.
So if you’re looking for a super cheesy and really lame romance that involves irritating characters who are in their late 20’s but act like they are 12 then this is perfect for you! If not, well I can’t say I personally recommend it and I don’t appreciate that it had to be $9 for the kindle version when most books of this genre are at most $4.99 or on Kindle Unlimited. What a waste…