A review by laviskrg
Snap by Belinda Bauer
1.0
This is the worst "crime" novel I have ever read in my life. It now lies abandoned on a seat in Copenhagen Airport. Maybe it will make someone happy. Maybe it will be destroyed. I don't care.
Signs that your crime novel is trash:
1. You reveal the murderer half way through and the rest of the book is the characters figuring it out.... Wtf.
2. Make ALL characters exceedingly retarded except for the main character who is brilliant despite having no education, no emotional support, no intellectual guidance. Petty theft and breaking and entering I do not consider signs of intelligence, just signs that people in rural Britain are stupid and careless.
3. Give the murderer no real motivation other than... A bad fucking temper and a "snap" decision. Get it? Snap like in the title? Having a bad temper does not a killer make. How can you write a crime novel with the most boring killer in literature?
4. Make 99% of people living in rural Britain look like cretins. Even the cops.
5. Base your twists and turns on fantasy, bullshit, make believe, premonitions and random brain farts.
6. If the rules of the real world do not aid in the construction of your lame story, make up better rules, such as three young children simply existing under the radar for years, one single child being responsible for 100 breaking and enterings, not a single adult stopping or giving a shit, the missing father being the local beggar who simply snaps out of it and is prepared to pick up life again in a second, the best fucking knife maker in the universe is a few hours away, all pregnant women are stupid, sad cows who, once they've been fucked and impregnated lose all sense of purpose, all judgement and all desire to work or be independent. I think this book has been incorrectly shelved.
7. Have no ending. No, the absurdly pathetic "fight scene" at the end is not an ending. The anorexic 14-going-on-12 little kid somehow wounds and traps the crazed killer while his cretin of a wife cries and screams. And then, he walks on and all is well. No explanation of the murder, no psychology, no conflict resolution. Nonsense and bullshit!
How did this make it to the Manbooker list? How in seven hells? This is a poor man's "Girl on the Train" which is a beach novel at best. This is at a public toilet level of reading.
Signs that your crime novel is trash:
1. You reveal the murderer half way through and the rest of the book is the characters figuring it out.... Wtf.
2. Make ALL characters exceedingly retarded except for the main character who is brilliant despite having no education, no emotional support, no intellectual guidance. Petty theft and breaking and entering I do not consider signs of intelligence, just signs that people in rural Britain are stupid and careless.
3. Give the murderer no real motivation other than... A bad fucking temper and a "snap" decision. Get it? Snap like in the title? Having a bad temper does not a killer make. How can you write a crime novel with the most boring killer in literature?
4. Make 99% of people living in rural Britain look like cretins. Even the cops.
5. Base your twists and turns on fantasy, bullshit, make believe, premonitions and random brain farts.
6. If the rules of the real world do not aid in the construction of your lame story, make up better rules, such as three young children simply existing under the radar for years, one single child being responsible for 100 breaking and enterings, not a single adult stopping or giving a shit, the missing father being the local beggar who simply snaps out of it and is prepared to pick up life again in a second, the best fucking knife maker in the universe is a few hours away, all pregnant women are stupid, sad cows who, once they've been fucked and impregnated lose all sense of purpose, all judgement and all desire to work or be independent. I think this book has been incorrectly shelved.
7. Have no ending. No, the absurdly pathetic "fight scene" at the end is not an ending. The anorexic 14-going-on-12 little kid somehow wounds and traps the crazed killer while his cretin of a wife cries and screams. And then, he walks on and all is well. No explanation of the murder, no psychology, no conflict resolution. Nonsense and bullshit!
How did this make it to the Manbooker list? How in seven hells? This is a poor man's "Girl on the Train" which is a beach novel at best. This is at a public toilet level of reading.