A review by imogenrobinson__
Delicacy by Katy Wix

funny reflective sad medium-paced

4.25

Really well-written. Some heartbreaking descriptions of grief:

I remember thinking it was okay to stop worrying about you because I knew that the final season of Peep Show would be out soon and that was something you were really looking forward to. [...] I think because you died very suddenly, without warning, is why I've been angry. But whenever I saw bereavement counsellors, they'd look so pleased with themselves when they would get me to admit that I was angry with you and I would think to myself, they're not that smart, but I would let them think that it was a breakthrough for both of us. 

Wix is very witty and I feel the book gets better as it goes along:

The packages contained things like depression memoirs, earplugs, hairbands, and bubble bath for kids (kinder to skin). I was stockpiling; preparing for more weeks of grief. I couldn't stop the emotions, but I could prepare for their arrival. There were nights I wasn't smart enough to work out if time would make it more or less difficult to live without the people I love. There were nights I would scare myself with the thought of future pain. In the day I tried to distract myself with pain that was more manageable and familiar: men, work failures, politics, reality TV, other people's mistakes etc. At one point I even painted a table grey and read a book on the history of mazes. When it comes to grief, we've probably all read the same books and articles and tweets; we all understand the concept of self-care and what we should be doing to help ourselves. Knowing self-care and wanting to do it are two different things. 

She is clearly a deep thinker and articulates things I've experienced but never been able to put into words. Her writing on depression and antidepressants is very lucid, for example:

Sometimes I'd lie in bed and my body would say, no thank you, to everything, even some gentle art. That's why I was late for class in week 7. I wanted to sleep instead. Sometimes cancelling is the right thing to do when you're depressed, and other times I would feel better for forcing myself to leave the house and blend in with the non-mourners. 

Overall, however, I found the book was quite fragmented and confusing at times. I feel it might have benefitted from a clearer narrative structure, as it flitted a lot between different topics/Wix at various ages and stages of her life. In this way, it came across a lot like a series of journal entries or stream of consciousness. 

The new therapist asks me about my sleeping patterns. I hate going to bed. As soon as I go to bed, it means the day is over and a new day is coming. I hate the start of a new day because I've always suffered with morning melancholia. By evening, I've managed to get some personality. Every morning, I start empty and have to begin the process again. The second reason I hate going to bed is because night time is my time. No one can get me or email me or expect things of me. I deserve the time and I want more of it and so I stay up, later and later. The next reason is that the night is a magical time full of fantasy and possibility, when I can make future plans: piano lessons, pilates, metal work. My best self seems possible at night. Then comes the horrible, crushing sobriety of daylight and all my desires feel stupid and silly. Suddenly, life has lost its mystery and profundity and feels nothing more than tiny incidental moments of mundanity: putting things in bins, yawning, and emailing.