A review by xterminal
Grundish and Askew by Lance Carbuncle
4.0
Lance Carbuncle, Grundish and Askew (Vicious Galoot Books, 2009)
I'm wondering, if I give Grundish and Askew a really terrible review, if I'll get written into Carbuncle's next book, getting killed off in some inventive and hilarious way, as happened to one unfortunate reviewer of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed, Carbuncle's first (very funny) book. Because I would totally do that for a walk-on role in the next book, even though I liked Grundish and Askew a great deal—even more than I liked Smashed, Squashed..., I think.
Plot: there is Grundish, and there is Askew. Both of them are layabouts, and both of them are amateur criminals, but Askew has avoided detection on these counts his entire life because Grundish is always willing to take the fall. As we open, Grundish has recently been sprung from prison, where he was doing time for yet another thing Askew actually did. (Actually, as we open, the two of them are driving into the middle of nowhere, attempting to evade the cops, while Grundish muses over his long-ago promise that he would kill Askew, rather than letting him go to prison. But that is another story that comes later.) They're living with Askew's very old and more than slightly cracked Aunt Turleen in a trailer park with a bunch of other deviants, ex-cons, and the like. Grundish, who's still on parole, is trying to walk the straight and narrow with his job as one of those guys who stands on streetcorners holding the big signs telling you about stores going out of business while being stalked by his parole officer, a truly scary old woman who wants some of what Grundish whips out every time he's got to take a drug test (with her watching, natch). Askew, on the other hand, is making the real money by casing houses while making the rounds as a pizza delivery guy so the two of them can break in somewhere for a weekend, live large, and discover the dirty little secrets of the homeowners, which they can then use to blackmail them into not reporting the break-in to the cops. It's a good life, until one of Grundish's fellow prison alumni conceives a plan involving Grundish which Askew gets caught in the middle of. (I wish I could tell you what it is, but there's no way it would pass the censors.) Askew takes offense, which leads to Grundish, Askew, and Turleen on the run from the law.
So, yeah! This book sucks! Don't buy it! It won't make you laugh convulsively at all! (I'm using all exclamation points in this paragraph because Carbuncle did it in a review recently and I'm being a sycophant to try and get that walk-on role!) You won't be amused by the reappearance of Idjit Galoot, the hero of Smashed, Squashed..., at all! Grundish, Askew, and Turleen's adventures will not remind you at all of a weird mash-up of Jack Kerouac and a sixties biker film (with a slight bit of Reservoir Dogs thrown in for good measure)! Carbuncle is not at all an original writer, who comes up with great scenarios and throws interesting and amusing characters into them! You won't fall for Grundish's parole officer yourself! (Or, wait, maybe that was just me!) This book has absolutely nothing to say about class warfare, social consciousness, the injustice of the prison-industral complex, or interesting and alternative uses for frozen lunch meat! You will absolutely not love this book!
(Seriously, I would offer a money-back guarantee myself if I weren't pretty much constantly broke. But if you ARE one of those poor, humorless souls who buys this and somehow doesn't like it, take heed: there are many used bookstores whose staff will give you up to half your cover price back and find it a good home.) *** 1/2
I'm wondering, if I give Grundish and Askew a really terrible review, if I'll get written into Carbuncle's next book, getting killed off in some inventive and hilarious way, as happened to one unfortunate reviewer of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed, Carbuncle's first (very funny) book. Because I would totally do that for a walk-on role in the next book, even though I liked Grundish and Askew a great deal—even more than I liked Smashed, Squashed..., I think.
Plot: there is Grundish, and there is Askew. Both of them are layabouts, and both of them are amateur criminals, but Askew has avoided detection on these counts his entire life because Grundish is always willing to take the fall. As we open, Grundish has recently been sprung from prison, where he was doing time for yet another thing Askew actually did. (Actually, as we open, the two of them are driving into the middle of nowhere, attempting to evade the cops, while Grundish muses over his long-ago promise that he would kill Askew, rather than letting him go to prison. But that is another story that comes later.) They're living with Askew's very old and more than slightly cracked Aunt Turleen in a trailer park with a bunch of other deviants, ex-cons, and the like. Grundish, who's still on parole, is trying to walk the straight and narrow with his job as one of those guys who stands on streetcorners holding the big signs telling you about stores going out of business while being stalked by his parole officer, a truly scary old woman who wants some of what Grundish whips out every time he's got to take a drug test (with her watching, natch). Askew, on the other hand, is making the real money by casing houses while making the rounds as a pizza delivery guy so the two of them can break in somewhere for a weekend, live large, and discover the dirty little secrets of the homeowners, which they can then use to blackmail them into not reporting the break-in to the cops. It's a good life, until one of Grundish's fellow prison alumni conceives a plan involving Grundish which Askew gets caught in the middle of. (I wish I could tell you what it is, but there's no way it would pass the censors.) Askew takes offense, which leads to Grundish, Askew, and Turleen on the run from the law.
So, yeah! This book sucks! Don't buy it! It won't make you laugh convulsively at all! (I'm using all exclamation points in this paragraph because Carbuncle did it in a review recently and I'm being a sycophant to try and get that walk-on role!) You won't be amused by the reappearance of Idjit Galoot, the hero of Smashed, Squashed..., at all! Grundish, Askew, and Turleen's adventures will not remind you at all of a weird mash-up of Jack Kerouac and a sixties biker film (with a slight bit of Reservoir Dogs thrown in for good measure)! Carbuncle is not at all an original writer, who comes up with great scenarios and throws interesting and amusing characters into them! You won't fall for Grundish's parole officer yourself! (Or, wait, maybe that was just me!) This book has absolutely nothing to say about class warfare, social consciousness, the injustice of the prison-industral complex, or interesting and alternative uses for frozen lunch meat! You will absolutely not love this book!
(Seriously, I would offer a money-back guarantee myself if I weren't pretty much constantly broke. But if you ARE one of those poor, humorless souls who buys this and somehow doesn't like it, take heed: there are many used bookstores whose staff will give you up to half your cover price back and find it a good home.) *** 1/2