A review by readivine
Schoolgirl by Osamu Dazai

4.0

"I wonder if I am just desensitized to the hundreds if not thousands of things I see and hear every day, and in my bewilderment, those things end up assailing me like floating ghosts, one after another."

Would it be too much to overidentify with a short quiet book that dates back to 89 years ago? It feels comforting to read my own erratic thought patterns articulated in such beautiful prose, I almost felt like I could cry and at the same time feel devoid of any emotion while reading it. Schoolgirl is a short book that takes you into somewhat of a trance-like day (the way I read it) of a teenage girl trying to externalize grief and extract meaning out of the mundane. I understand her disgust with her own self, her disgust with the external world, and her disgust for having such thoughts.

It feels like I'm floating while reading this, and it brought back a lot of memories for me as well.

"Resting my chin on my desk, I gazed idly out the window. The clouds were beautiful, maybe because it was so windy."

This single line reminded me of the lazy afternoons I spent in high school trying to stamp in my mind the memory of the meditative dancing of the trees outside our classroom window. It was around the last months of senior year, and for some reason, I was so sure that I will find peace in remembering those afternoons with the trees instead of listening to our religion class. Right now, I wish I could go back to that younger Divine, so content and at peace. Just trying to bask in the warm glow of the yellow buds and branches outside our window.

Such is the mind of a teenager, and it truly felt comforting to remember that. I just feel so hopeless and overwhelmed today you see; I could cry any minute if I wanted to. In the meantime, it feels nice to be grounded in such an unexpected way by this little book.

"The truth is that I secretly love what seems to be my own individuality, and I hope I always will, but fully embodying it is another matter."