A review by beebeewin
This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel

emotional hopeful reflective slow-paced
  • Plot- or character-driven? Character
  • Strong character development? Yes
  • Loveable characters? Yes
  • Diverse cast of characters? It's complicated
  • Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.25

I enjoyed this novel and would definitely recommend this book to anyone confused or interested in learning more about raising a child who is gender non-conforming. What I enjoyed about this book is how slow and deliberate Laurie Frankel was with everything. Nothing felt rushed as Frankel intricately went over all the details of Claude/Poppy's transition and the transformation of the entire family. It felt so deeply personal and it was wonderful to get the perspective of almost every character in this novel. I will say that slowness at times seemed to come at the sacrifice of really following up on some plot points. It felt like there were moments when characters were given highlights and it seemed like something more was coming for them but it never did. Either way it was still a fantastic read, and as a non-parent it hit on things I think I would be concerned or confused about if I was put in this situation. I think what Frankel puts into perspective is just how much being trans isn't a choice but a necessity for these children and the choices are instead how to help them exist in a world that doesn't give them freedom to be themselves. "They had, she could finally see, been choosing out of fear.... They needed their fear dispelled, she and Penn and Claude and Poppy, because they could not live in fear anymore. But everyone else needed their fear dispelled too because that's where all the trouble was." Frankel doesn't downplay how violence, fear, and discrimination is real for these families and their children, but you have to as Frankel says "build someplace solid as ramparts from which" the child can figure out how they fit into the world and see what "possibilities we never saw before, possibilities no one ever saw before." What I wasn't expected is this very sentiment, how Frankel believes not that we should all learn respect and acceptance but instead shift our whole society to be more open to diversity, difference, and non-conformance. For the author's note, "I wish for my child, for all our children, a world where they can be who they are and become their most loved, blessed, appreciated selves... For my child, for all our children, I want more options, more paths through the woods, wider ranges of normal, and unconditional love." I feel like this novel would be incredibly powerful for those who are parents and or thinking of becoming parents. Not only would it help someone understand what it would be like to raise a gender non-conforming child but also any child who sits outside of the norms of society. 

Honestly, to me the author's note had some of the most powerful statements of the whole novel. I am going to put one more quote that I feel like every parent needs to hear. 

"The novelist in me is inspired by how much raising children is like writing books: You don't know where they're going until they get there. You may think you do, but you're wrong. Corralling and forcing them against their will to go where you first imagined they would isn't going to work for anyone involved. Never mind you're the one writing and raising them, they are headed in their own direction, independent of you. And scary thought that is, it's also how it should be."
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