A review by maidcc
The Matchmaker's Playbook, by Rachel Van Dyken

1.0

There are so many things wrong with this book that I barely know where to start.
But let's start with Ian, our protagonist and, unfortunately, the narrator of this story.
Ian is in the stage before falling in love with himself, like Narcissus. He's so full of himself... and doesn't lose ANY chance to prove his point over and over and over again. Just in case you had any doubt that he's oh-so-sexy, so strong, so cool, so gifted (if you know what I mean *wink, wink - nudge nudge*). And of course he's a sex machine and gets laid with whomever "chick" he wants, just has to snap his fingers. And he continually has to rub it on our faces. One time isn't enough. In fact, he does that throughout the book, even when he's already with Blake. So yeah, he's the stereotypical fuckboy.
Oh, and I almost forgot, he's an ex-NFL because he saved a boy from being run over. So on top of that, he's a hero. And he's rich. Which is totally relevant for the plot. You can't be a poor normal guy to win the girl's heart.
I lost count of how many sexist statements he made. Lost count by chapter 2-3. When he's aiming for girls in order to get laid, he treats them like pieces of meat. What else could they possibly be? Human beings with feelings? Don't worry because he's such a "nice guy" that he only goes for the typical fool and blonde girl. It's just like watching an American movie. One stereotype on top of another.
He's not just plain sexist, he's also reaaally superficial. In case you were unaware, the human psyche is so simple you can just use his "playbook" and foretell all the events to come.
On one occasion he helps a client out. So he orders coffee because the barista (aka the crush of the girl) dislikes coffee, he's more of a tea-guy, so he's biased towards him. ¿Does that make any fucking sense? And it works. I don't know what is actually worse.
Everything action is done according to a "plan" and it works every fucking time. There are no variables. Nothing unexpected. No margin left for free will and improvisation. Non what so ever. Which is actually preposterous. I'm telling you: NOTHING goes wrong. Not even once.
He tells his clients "you do this to catch the attention of your crush and he *will* call you/ask you out/whatever". And it happens exactly that.
Thing is: he's so good because he's a guy and knows how the guys are like. All the male population fits this criteria, just so you know. And so does the female population. He just saved you from majoring in psychology, you don't need that thing.
And talking about Wingmen Inc.,...it's a matchmaking agency where the two guys in control (Ian & Lex, the supporting character who will have his book) will "help" you be in the radar of your crush and everything. They work according to statistics WHICH OF COURSE NEVER FAIL and you can trust them blindfolded. They will touch your body, kiss you and whatever is necessary in order "to help you" and teach you. Mind you, it's absolutely necessary that they teach you how to kiss properly.
By the way, his friend Lex is another fuckboy but nerdy. He also takes about 5-10 min to get into your pants. What? You thought a woman would say no to them? Bah, there's no such woman.
They stick to "facts" because all the girls turn around to look at them, they swoon, they drool, and they fool around. 10/10.
I don't have much to say about the writing style. My only complaint is that Ian is the narrator. So we have a self-centred, sexist, superficial and over-confident narrator.
So...let's get on with the plot.
So Blake wants to get David's attention and he is her childhood friend. So she hires Ian to help her. She wears his dead brother's hoodies and Adidas flip-flops. So apparently THIS was the only "problem". Once she started wearing sexy fitness clothes David started noticing her (and so did Ian). Blake was, if anything, inconsistent. She's supposed to be virgin, an innocent-naif town girl. But after being around Ian for a couple of days she suddenly is different. We think she's in love with David but, boy is that love fickle. Because in a matter of days she's kissing Ian passionately (doesn't matter that is the first kiss she has been saving for David). Same goes for her virginity. Doesn't look like she gave it a second thought. (I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm saying that a naif town girl WOULD think twice about it).
So Ian and Blake start dating (turns out our love for David wasn't so deep after all) what-a-surprise. I'm kidding, we saw that coming. Ian starting to feel less confident because he's never felt that before and blah blah so Lex shows him the stats about his relationship. It's a 50-50 success chance. So Ian, ever the gentleman (note: no way in hell) decides by himself, that he has to dump him because David-Blake stats were 80%. But before he does anything, Blake has a date with David (once she's dating Ian). Ian is so restless that goes spying on her and happens to see how David kisses her and she kisses back. They fight, she says "I love you" (because she just wanted to make sure) but he "doesn't care" because she will eventually be better off with David.
But then we learn that David is not such a nice guy. Because he HAS to be a douche. He just realised Blake is actually hot and wanted to get laid. Period. It pisses me off because it's like Blake can't decide that she loves Ian better. It's because he's a "nicer" guy compared with David the Douche.
After that, Ian goes to Blake says I love you and...that's it? Anger is completely gone. Blake, can you be any more inconsistent?

I've noticed so many things that are wrong with these two... The story may have had some potential, and I can somehow imagine a different scenario where they are less superficial, more developed, less sexist, more romantic (without rainbow pucking), less cringey, etc. And I may have liked them. But Ian doesn't waste a single opportunity to make a bad taste comment. And Blake falling for every breath Ian takes doesn't help.
I believe the "best" part was the sex scenes. It was kind of hot but my detachment with the characters was so big at this point that I couldn't care less. And of course he's SO good, there are so many orgasms coming and going, blah blah. Seen that before. But still, the best part. So you can imagine how was the rest. (Hell, it was).
By the way, there's an epilogue explained from Lex's point of view. And Jesus, he's as bad as Ian. Sexist, superficial, etc, I'm sure you get the idea by now. So not going to read the second part. It's definitely not worth my time.