A review by sarah42783
Jurassic Jane Eyre by Carrie Sessarego
4.0
Jane Eyre + time-travelling toilet + sexy Jurassic times =
Okay, so there is about as much sex here as there is in [b:Jane Eyre|10210|Jane Eyre|Charlotte Brontë|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1327867269s/10210.jpg|2977639]. Meaning the story is decaf, diet, GMO and gluten-free monsterporn. Which is a complete rip-off, if you ask me. But (and that’s probably a first in the Wonderful World of Monsterotica™) the story is actually well-written! Without a single spelling mistake! Holy shrimping shocker, Shripman! It’s also quite a faithful rendition of dear little Jane’s adventures. Albeit in a dinosaurian setting. With a female, um, you know, love interest ← Pretty sure Rochester would totally “humph” at that if he was around, but he was last seen frolicking with a turkey-sized compsognathus in the Tithonian age, and is therefore unavailable for comments right now.
Everyone and their barnacle already knows the story of Little J. and her belovedMr R. dinosaur, but I thought I’d share a few choice quotes from this Jurassic adaptation with you all. You are quite welcome and stuff.
Episode 1 - Jane meetsRochester Edwina the T-Rex:
“I was raised by my cruel aunt, who cast me out upon the world. I’ve travelled through space and time in my port-a-potty-shaped time machine in search of adventure and a home!”
“Perhaps you shall find it here. I myself have a youngling, a baby T. rex who I am raising alone. I need a caretaker who can mind the baby while I hunt. Live with me for a while. You will be safe.”
Episode 2 - Well that escalated quickly:
“Be mine, darling. Be my mate. Only you can bring me happiness. Don’t worry about the fact that my private parts are so huge that you could drive three buses through my lady cave, sideways. What is size and species differential compared to a love like ours? I need you, my love! Be mine!”
“Yes, Edwina!” I cried, weeping with joy. “You are not only a T Rex – you are a female! But I can no longer conceal my ardor, despite my previous preference for human men and my considerable confusion about how our parts can ever be compatible. I am yours!”
Episode 3 - The awful truth is revealed:
“My former mate did not die in a tar pit. He caught rabies from some nasty little mammal, shortly after Addy was conceived. I was unwilling to kill him, and I had no cure, so I created this cavern. It’s all artificial. With my strength, arranging rocks is easy. I keep him here and care for him as best I can. I know I should have told you, but I sensed that you were too moral to sleep with me, knowing I’d be cheating on a rabid stegosaurus. Am I never to find true love? Won’t you forget you ever saw this mindless wretch, and be my mate?”
“No, Edwina,” I sobbed, “this can never be! You are mated to another!” Weeping, I fled into the jungle.
Oops, sorry, wrong jungle.
Episode 4 - A new family is found and spoiler spoiler spoiler:
I wandered through the jungle for days. At last, starving and exhausted, I came to the base of a large tree. I collapsed against its roots and waited to die. To my astonishment, a troop of tiny little purgatorius swarmed down from the branches of the trees.
[…]
The leader of the pack was a primate named Peter. Peter showed me marked preference, but I could feel nothing for him. After my time with Edwina, Peter’s peter seemed pathetic. The thought of sex with a male was repugnant to me. My suspicions were confirmed –Edwina had turned me into a lesbian.
[…]
I knew that somewhere, somehow, Edwina was calling me. She needed me! I felt it in my soul! With a hasty goodbye to my family, I fled down the tree and back into the jungle, in search of my darling Edwina.
Episode 5 - HEA incoming:
“Helloooo Edwina” I cooed, seductively.
Edwina could not believe her eye. “Am I dreaming?” she gasped.
“No, Edwina, it is I! I have returned to you! I am an independent woman now – and at the risk of sounding crass, I hear that you are single.”
Edwina laughed at this. “At the risk of sounding crass, I am! “ Her mood changed swiftly. “But you will not want to mate with me now – a broken, scarred, one-eyed creature.”
“Pish-posh!” I said. “Stop being so able-ist. Of course I want to mate with you. Right now, if possible. You did offer to show me what was biologically possible once. Does that offer still stand?”
And they all lived Jurassically ever after and stuff.
More or less.
Okay, so there is about as much sex here as there is in [b:Jane Eyre|10210|Jane Eyre|Charlotte Brontë|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1327867269s/10210.jpg|2977639]. Meaning the story is decaf, diet, GMO and gluten-free monsterporn. Which is a complete rip-off, if you ask me. But (and that’s probably a first in the Wonderful World of Monsterotica™) the story is actually well-written! Without a single spelling mistake! Holy shrimping shocker, Shripman! It’s also quite a faithful rendition of dear little Jane’s adventures. Albeit in a dinosaurian setting. With a female, um, you know, love interest ← Pretty sure Rochester would totally “humph” at that if he was around, but he was last seen frolicking with a turkey-sized compsognathus in the Tithonian age, and is therefore unavailable for comments right now.
Everyone and their barnacle already knows the story of Little J. and her beloved
Episode 1 - Jane meets
“I was raised by my cruel aunt, who cast me out upon the world. I’ve travelled through space and time in my port-a-potty-shaped time machine in search of adventure and a home!”
“Perhaps you shall find it here. I myself have a youngling, a baby T. rex who I am raising alone. I need a caretaker who can mind the baby while I hunt. Live with me for a while. You will be safe.”
Episode 2 - Well that escalated quickly:
“Be mine, darling. Be my mate. Only you can bring me happiness. Don’t worry about the fact that my private parts are so huge that you could drive three buses through my lady cave, sideways. What is size and species differential compared to a love like ours? I need you, my love! Be mine!”
“Yes, Edwina!” I cried, weeping with joy. “You are not only a T Rex – you are a female! But I can no longer conceal my ardor, despite my previous preference for human men and my considerable confusion about how our parts can ever be compatible. I am yours!”
Episode 3 - The awful truth is revealed:
“My former mate did not die in a tar pit. He caught rabies from some nasty little mammal, shortly after Addy was conceived. I was unwilling to kill him, and I had no cure, so I created this cavern. It’s all artificial. With my strength, arranging rocks is easy. I keep him here and care for him as best I can. I know I should have told you, but I sensed that you were too moral to sleep with me, knowing I’d be cheating on a rabid stegosaurus. Am I never to find true love? Won’t you forget you ever saw this mindless wretch, and be my mate?”
“No, Edwina,” I sobbed, “this can never be! You are mated to another!” Weeping, I fled into the jungle.
Oops, sorry, wrong jungle.
Episode 4 - A new family is found and spoiler spoiler spoiler:
I wandered through the jungle for days. At last, starving and exhausted, I came to the base of a large tree. I collapsed against its roots and waited to die. To my astonishment, a troop of tiny little purgatorius swarmed down from the branches of the trees.
[…]
The leader of the pack was a primate named Peter. Peter showed me marked preference, but I could feel nothing for him. After my time with Edwina, Peter’s peter seemed pathetic. The thought of sex with a male was repugnant to me. My suspicions were confirmed –Edwina had turned me into a lesbian.
[…]
I knew that somewhere, somehow, Edwina was calling me. She needed me! I felt it in my soul! With a hasty goodbye to my family, I fled down the tree and back into the jungle, in search of my darling Edwina.
Episode 5 - HEA incoming:
“Helloooo Edwina” I cooed, seductively.
Edwina could not believe her eye. “Am I dreaming?” she gasped.
“No, Edwina, it is I! I have returned to you! I am an independent woman now – and at the risk of sounding crass, I hear that you are single.”
Edwina laughed at this. “At the risk of sounding crass, I am! “ Her mood changed swiftly. “But you will not want to mate with me now – a broken, scarred, one-eyed creature.”
“Pish-posh!” I said. “Stop being so able-ist. Of course I want to mate with you. Right now, if possible. You did offer to show me what was biologically possible once. Does that offer still stand?”
And they all lived Jurassically ever after and stuff.
More or less.