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A review by jmcphers
Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Jim Fay, Foster Cline
2.0
When I picked up this book, I thought it was more or less a standalone work. If I'd realized that it was part of a "Love and Logic" series and that its authors preside at the "Love and Logic" institute, I'd have had a much better idea what to expect.
The book has one Big Idea, namely that kids learn to make good decisions by practicing decision-making. Every other idea in this book (and there aren't that many) is derived from this one. It might not sound like an earth-shattering insight, but while most of us would nod our head in agreement at the statement, I think that the authors have it right: not many people raise their kids this way, because they are unwilling for their child (or themselves) to face the consequences of their childrens' poor decisions, and/or the decisions don't have natural consequences that matter to the kids.
There are two sections in this short book. The first half is devoted to the Love and Logic principles and ideas as they apply to parenting. The second is called "Pearls", which contains anecdotes and ideas for applying these ideas to a variety of common issues.
There were three main things about their line of thinking that bothered me:
1) The authors insist on using "thinking words" to rephrase your requests. Large passages in the book are devoted to "thinking words" for all kinds of situations. For instance, instead of saying "No TV until you finish your dinner, young lady", you are instructed to say "Feel free to join us for some television once you've finished your dinner." I'll agree that the second option is less confrontational, but my gut says that any smart kid is quickly going to realize that these two statements mean exactly the same thing.
2) The authors have what is--in my limited experience--an inflated opinion in the ability of children to retroactively recognize that a decision was bad. For instance, if your kid pops another kid in the face, they recommend asking some passive questions about whether they thought that was a good way to resolve the issue and then dropping the subject. Later, when he doesn't have any friends because he's mean to everyone, he'll realize that he shouldn't have done that! Lesson learned! Right?
3) The principles, while apparently sound, are supported not by research or years of parenting experience, but by a few anecdotes from the childhoods of the authors and a few more from parents who successfully used the techniques. It sounds like they would work, but the authors don't bring much in the way of hard evidence to the table.
That said, there really are some great nuggets in this book, and since I only have one child and she's still in diapers, it's hard to evaluate the merit of many of the ideas. I will say that it's made some changes in the way that I think about parenting: my natural instinct is to be a commander and tell my daughter what she needs to do or not do; this book helped me see that that approach isn't good for either of us in the long run.
The book has one Big Idea, namely that kids learn to make good decisions by practicing decision-making. Every other idea in this book (and there aren't that many) is derived from this one. It might not sound like an earth-shattering insight, but while most of us would nod our head in agreement at the statement, I think that the authors have it right: not many people raise their kids this way, because they are unwilling for their child (or themselves) to face the consequences of their childrens' poor decisions, and/or the decisions don't have natural consequences that matter to the kids.
There are two sections in this short book. The first half is devoted to the Love and Logic principles and ideas as they apply to parenting. The second is called "Pearls", which contains anecdotes and ideas for applying these ideas to a variety of common issues.
There were three main things about their line of thinking that bothered me:
1) The authors insist on using "thinking words" to rephrase your requests. Large passages in the book are devoted to "thinking words" for all kinds of situations. For instance, instead of saying "No TV until you finish your dinner, young lady", you are instructed to say "Feel free to join us for some television once you've finished your dinner." I'll agree that the second option is less confrontational, but my gut says that any smart kid is quickly going to realize that these two statements mean exactly the same thing.
2) The authors have what is--in my limited experience--an inflated opinion in the ability of children to retroactively recognize that a decision was bad. For instance, if your kid pops another kid in the face, they recommend asking some passive questions about whether they thought that was a good way to resolve the issue and then dropping the subject. Later, when he doesn't have any friends because he's mean to everyone, he'll realize that he shouldn't have done that! Lesson learned! Right?
3) The principles, while apparently sound, are supported not by research or years of parenting experience, but by a few anecdotes from the childhoods of the authors and a few more from parents who successfully used the techniques. It sounds like they would work, but the authors don't bring much in the way of hard evidence to the table.
That said, there really are some great nuggets in this book, and since I only have one child and she's still in diapers, it's hard to evaluate the merit of many of the ideas. I will say that it's made some changes in the way that I think about parenting: my natural instinct is to be a commander and tell my daughter what she needs to do or not do; this book helped me see that that approach isn't good for either of us in the long run.