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A review by crystalstarrlight
The Shelters of Stone by Jean M. Auel
1.0
A Prehistoric Clip Show
Okay, guys, that was really funny. Switching the novel with this fan fiction? Brilliant joke! You got me. Now, where's the real novel?
...
Uh...THIS is the novel?
Summary: Ayla and Jondalar return to his home. Everyone loves Ayla; Ayla and Jondalar tie the knot; Ayla gives birth to the hellspawn and somehow her name sounds better than Twilight's Renesmee--but only just barely.
Oh, yeah, and EVERY SINGLE STORY FROM THE LAST BOOK IS REPRINTED. So don't bother even READING the previous four books; at some point in this book, Ayla or Jondalar will tell you it.
I don't know whether I should be p!ssed that I spent all this time listening to the book equivalent of a 90's clip show or I should laugh my @ss off at the ridiculous joke of this being published. Or cry thinking about how many trees this piece of sh!t destroyed on its route to the bookstore. Or rage about the number of books that were rejected to make room on the bookseller list for THIS.
I've done my raging about this series; it's been a ridiculous, over the top, barely concealed Mary Sue fanfiction-y ride. But I almost want to go back to all the previous books and bump up the ratings by a star or two (YES, a star or TWO). With ALL the complaints I've had for the last three books (and if you've read my reviews, you know THAT is a laundry list), those books look like literary GOLD next to this piece of Mammoth defecation.
Gone are any attempts at making Ayla a realistic character. Gone are any attempts to take this story to the next level, to have ANYTHING to do with ANYTHING that was foreshadowed in the previous books. Gone are any attempts to treat the reader with intelligence.
I am SHOCKED that this book took 12 years to write. I would have given 12 days: that would be PLENTY to pick through the last four books, copy all the stories from there and paste them into this waste of paper, sprinkling a bunch of senseless research, bad sex, and Ayla Sue prancing around, telling someone off for their "bad behavior".
Ayla is the biggest Mary Sue I've ever read. She is such a flagrant Mary Sue, I had to check to make sure that this wasn't fanfiction; I wouldn't be surprised to see this characterization from a thirteen year old girl on the internet, but from a 60+ woman? You coulda fooled me! Ayla is the sexiest, most attractive, most intelligent, most competent woman that the world has ever seen. She could heal cancer with willow bark tea; she can wear boy's underwear (a big Zelandani no-no) and a top with her boobs hanging out, and no one will mutter a peep about her indiscretion--in fact, women will imitate her and every man will get a huge boner for her (and yes, this does happen). Everyone gasps in admiration about her ability to tame animals, produce fire, use a sewing needle, use stitches to heal wounds; everything she says is as if from the Mother's lips. She rushes into the town drunk's home to rescue his starving family, and the crowds cheer. She heals a stupid boy that was hunting rhino, and the Zelandani roar. Ayla could blaspheme the Mother, destroy their religion, and burn the entire shelter to the ground, and STILL the ENTIRE Zelandani race would cheer her on.
Oh, but POOR AYLA is humiliated when Marona dresses her in boy's underwear!
Oh, but Ayla can't sing!
Uh, last I checked, those two things don't make a character any less of a Mary Sue. In fact, I took the Mary Sue test for Ayla (http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm). Wanna know what she got? 161. Know what that corresponds to? ""50+ Kill it dead."
Jondalar is still a whining baby. All he wants is for Ayla to remain flat on her back so he could pound into her all day with his massive dong. The only reason he turns down performing First Rites is because his massive dong would scare off the young virgins and NO ONE could take him all. WOW HOW F@#$ING ROMANTIC!! I wished so many times that he would fall off a cliff or chop off his hand or break his dong on Ayla's "petals of perfection".
It is an insult to call the other characters "characters". The only ones who act even REMOTELY human are Marona, who is p!ssed because her f@#$ing fiance ran off and she was left with NO COMPENSATION (and Jondalar is back, thrusting his new, boobalicious fiancee, the Woman Who Can Do No Wrong, Ayla, in her face), Brukaval, who wants Ayla to f@#$ing mind her own business for once, and the dude that Jondalar punched in the face, thus ruining the dude's livelihood. Marthona, Jondalar's mother, accepts Ayla with barely a second thought. Same with Joharran, the leader of the 9th clan. Zelandani aka Zolena, the Dani woman that Jondalar loved SO MUCH and couldn't be with, is morbidly obese, conveniently "unattractive" to the vapid Jondalar. Everyone else that would have made a shred of conflict for this piece of sh!t is painted so painfully villainous, it would have been more subtle to have them dress in black, twirl their mustaches, and cackle about their evil plans to rule the world.
And all the stupid poor widdle kids that Ayla has to rescue! GAH! For once, I would like this woman to do something selfish, for her own personal gain, instead of rushing over to the town drunk (who hates her) to rescue his POOR FAMILY, to shame all the rest of the clan women into giving the baby their birth milk because, "THAT'S WHAT THE CLAN WOULD DO AND YOU THINK THEY ARE ANIMALS!" In fact, I think Auel "wrote" half the book by just tossing in a new character that Ayla has to fix whenever she ran out of stories from previous books to tell.
There is so much repetition in this book, it's borderline plagiarism. We are reminded TWENTY-TWO TIMES that Ayla has an unusual, exotic accent. I THINK I GOT IT AFTER THE FIRST TEN TIMES!! (I was going to post each one of the 22 quotes where it is mentioned, but I didn't want to get repetitive.) Other conversations that Auel has tortured us with in the past--every f@#$ing story from the last four books, where babies come from, how Iza told Ayla to wash up after having sex, how many times Ayla goes to take a p!ss or crap and how much more often it is now that she is preggers--is repeated over and over and over and over again. And then the introductions! GAH! Here is just ONE introduction:
"I am Folara of the 9th cave of the Zelandani, blessed of Dani, daughter of Marthona, former leader of the 9th cave of the Zelandani, daughter of the hearth of Willamar, master trader of the Zelandani, sister of Joharran, leader of the 9th cave of the Zelandani, sister of Jondalar of the 9th cave of the Zelandani, master flintknapper and returned traveler who is soon to be mated to Ayla of the 9th cave of the Zelandani. She has a bunch of names and ties of her own, but the one I like best is “friend of horses and Wolf”."
Imagine this for nearly EVERY "character" and multiply that by infinity. That is how many times I had to read this. If I didn't know better, I would have thought that twenty different writers wrote this book, threw together their portions in one big pot and sent it to publish.
And if you thought the previous books were in any way misogynist, you haven't even SEEN this book. Here are some WONDERFUL quotes from this supposedly equal-rights culture:
"She had become Ayla of the Zelandani and Jondalar's mate, and that came first."
Though a stigma of shame was placed on those who did not wait until they had their First Rites, some girls inevitably did succumb to the persistent blandishments. But no matter how relentless the pressure, by yielding to it, the girls became ultimately less desirable as mates because it indicated a lack of sufficient self-control."
"It is true that your mate will not be as tempted to look with pleasure upon other women if you satisfy his desires."
"Maybe [Jondalar] should have asked [Ayla] before he started all this [so Ayla could become Zelandani]"
Wow, HOW FAIR! Girls who have sex before First Rites are looked down upon because they can't wait. But boys? NOTHING. If your man leaves, it is YOUR FAULT because you didn't have sex enough with him. Sounds great, doesn't it?
Oddly enough, there are only 3 sex scenes in this book. Not surprisingly, they are pretty much the EXACT SAME sex scene we've read since "Valley of the Horses":
Jondalar goes for Ayla's boobs. (He even asks, at one point, if a baby nursing feels like when he does it. I AM SERIOUS, HE ASKS THIS.)
Jondalar moves to Ayla's "petals".
Ayla moans and can't believe how "ready she is".
Jondalar wants to take her "right now" and can barely hold back.
Insert Tab J into Slot A. Fireworks, explosions, flowers fall from the sky, angels sing, deer dance in the field.
And then we have the Mother's Song. I have a great aunt that used to write poetry about what happened to the family in the past year (and force rhyme to death out of it) and put it into her Christmas cards. The poetry would be something like this:
And Johnny did run to the store one day
To say hello to his Aunt May
And what do you think should happen there?
He found a cute, adorable, cuddly bear!
THAT is better poetry that this horrible mess. And the absolute LAST THING I wanted was Ayla commenting on how moving and wonderful this piece of sh!t poem was.
Sandra Burr has been doing an amazing job narrating these books (and somehow managing to not burst into giggles during the sex scenes). HOWEVER, the Transylvania accent that she suddenly gives Ayla in this book is TOO MUCH. Somehow, it made her even MORE annoying, MORE Mary Sue-ish, AND MORE vampy.
I just have one question: HOW THE F@#$ DID THIS GET PUBLISHED?!?!!!?!? This is, without a doubt, the WORST book of the series so far. It is pointless, it totally negates all the tension of the last four books, wondering and worrying if Ayla would be accepted into the Zelandani. I've read fan fiction better written than this.
So my advice? AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!
P.S. Only one book to go! Can I make it?
Okay, guys, that was really funny. Switching the novel with this fan fiction? Brilliant joke! You got me. Now, where's the real novel?
...
Uh...THIS is the novel?
Summary: Ayla and Jondalar return to his home. Everyone loves Ayla; Ayla and Jondalar tie the knot; Ayla gives birth to the hellspawn and somehow her name sounds better than Twilight's Renesmee--but only just barely.
Oh, yeah, and EVERY SINGLE STORY FROM THE LAST BOOK IS REPRINTED. So don't bother even READING the previous four books; at some point in this book, Ayla or Jondalar will tell you it.
I don't know whether I should be p!ssed that I spent all this time listening to the book equivalent of a 90's clip show or I should laugh my @ss off at the ridiculous joke of this being published. Or cry thinking about how many trees this piece of sh!t destroyed on its route to the bookstore. Or rage about the number of books that were rejected to make room on the bookseller list for THIS.
I've done my raging about this series; it's been a ridiculous, over the top, barely concealed Mary Sue fanfiction-y ride. But I almost want to go back to all the previous books and bump up the ratings by a star or two (YES, a star or TWO). With ALL the complaints I've had for the last three books (and if you've read my reviews, you know THAT is a laundry list), those books look like literary GOLD next to this piece of Mammoth defecation.
Gone are any attempts at making Ayla a realistic character. Gone are any attempts to take this story to the next level, to have ANYTHING to do with ANYTHING that was foreshadowed in the previous books. Gone are any attempts to treat the reader with intelligence.
I am SHOCKED that this book took 12 years to write. I would have given 12 days: that would be PLENTY to pick through the last four books, copy all the stories from there and paste them into this waste of paper, sprinkling a bunch of senseless research, bad sex, and Ayla Sue prancing around, telling someone off for their "bad behavior".
Ayla is the biggest Mary Sue I've ever read. She is such a flagrant Mary Sue, I had to check to make sure that this wasn't fanfiction; I wouldn't be surprised to see this characterization from a thirteen year old girl on the internet, but from a 60+ woman? You coulda fooled me! Ayla is the sexiest, most attractive, most intelligent, most competent woman that the world has ever seen. She could heal cancer with willow bark tea; she can wear boy's underwear (a big Zelandani no-no) and a top with her boobs hanging out, and no one will mutter a peep about her indiscretion--in fact, women will imitate her and every man will get a huge boner for her (and yes, this does happen). Everyone gasps in admiration about her ability to tame animals, produce fire, use a sewing needle, use stitches to heal wounds; everything she says is as if from the Mother's lips. She rushes into the town drunk's home to rescue his starving family, and the crowds cheer. She heals a stupid boy that was hunting rhino, and the Zelandani roar. Ayla could blaspheme the Mother, destroy their religion, and burn the entire shelter to the ground, and STILL the ENTIRE Zelandani race would cheer her on.
Oh, but POOR AYLA is humiliated when Marona dresses her in boy's underwear!
Oh, but Ayla can't sing!
Uh, last I checked, those two things don't make a character any less of a Mary Sue. In fact, I took the Mary Sue test for Ayla (http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm). Wanna know what she got? 161. Know what that corresponds to? ""50+ Kill it dead."
Jondalar is still a whining baby. All he wants is for Ayla to remain flat on her back so he could pound into her all day with his massive dong. The only reason he turns down performing First Rites is because his massive dong would scare off the young virgins and NO ONE could take him all. WOW HOW F@#$ING ROMANTIC!! I wished so many times that he would fall off a cliff or chop off his hand or break his dong on Ayla's "petals of perfection".
It is an insult to call the other characters "characters". The only ones who act even REMOTELY human are Marona, who is p!ssed because her f@#$ing fiance ran off and she was left with NO COMPENSATION (and Jondalar is back, thrusting his new, boobalicious fiancee, the Woman Who Can Do No Wrong, Ayla, in her face), Brukaval, who wants Ayla to f@#$ing mind her own business for once, and the dude that Jondalar punched in the face, thus ruining the dude's livelihood. Marthona, Jondalar's mother, accepts Ayla with barely a second thought. Same with Joharran, the leader of the 9th clan. Zelandani aka Zolena, the Dani woman that Jondalar loved SO MUCH and couldn't be with, is morbidly obese, conveniently "unattractive" to the vapid Jondalar. Everyone else that would have made a shred of conflict for this piece of sh!t is painted so painfully villainous, it would have been more subtle to have them dress in black, twirl their mustaches, and cackle about their evil plans to rule the world.
And all the stupid poor widdle kids that Ayla has to rescue! GAH! For once, I would like this woman to do something selfish, for her own personal gain, instead of rushing over to the town drunk (who hates her) to rescue his POOR FAMILY, to shame all the rest of the clan women into giving the baby their birth milk because, "THAT'S WHAT THE CLAN WOULD DO AND YOU THINK THEY ARE ANIMALS!" In fact, I think Auel "wrote" half the book by just tossing in a new character that Ayla has to fix whenever she ran out of stories from previous books to tell.
There is so much repetition in this book, it's borderline plagiarism. We are reminded TWENTY-TWO TIMES that Ayla has an unusual, exotic accent. I THINK I GOT IT AFTER THE FIRST TEN TIMES!! (I was going to post each one of the 22 quotes where it is mentioned, but I didn't want to get repetitive.) Other conversations that Auel has tortured us with in the past--every f@#$ing story from the last four books, where babies come from, how Iza told Ayla to wash up after having sex, how many times Ayla goes to take a p!ss or crap and how much more often it is now that she is preggers--is repeated over and over and over and over again. And then the introductions! GAH! Here is just ONE introduction:
"I am Folara of the 9th cave of the Zelandani, blessed of Dani, daughter of Marthona, former leader of the 9th cave of the Zelandani, daughter of the hearth of Willamar, master trader of the Zelandani, sister of Joharran, leader of the 9th cave of the Zelandani, sister of Jondalar of the 9th cave of the Zelandani, master flintknapper and returned traveler who is soon to be mated to Ayla of the 9th cave of the Zelandani. She has a bunch of names and ties of her own, but the one I like best is “friend of horses and Wolf”."
Imagine this for nearly EVERY "character" and multiply that by infinity. That is how many times I had to read this. If I didn't know better, I would have thought that twenty different writers wrote this book, threw together their portions in one big pot and sent it to publish.
And if you thought the previous books were in any way misogynist, you haven't even SEEN this book. Here are some WONDERFUL quotes from this supposedly equal-rights culture:
"She had become Ayla of the Zelandani and Jondalar's mate, and that came first."
Though a stigma of shame was placed on those who did not wait until they had their First Rites, some girls inevitably did succumb to the persistent blandishments. But no matter how relentless the pressure, by yielding to it, the girls became ultimately less desirable as mates because it indicated a lack of sufficient self-control."
"It is true that your mate will not be as tempted to look with pleasure upon other women if you satisfy his desires."
"Maybe [Jondalar] should have asked [Ayla] before he started all this [so Ayla could become Zelandani]"
Wow, HOW FAIR! Girls who have sex before First Rites are looked down upon because they can't wait. But boys? NOTHING. If your man leaves, it is YOUR FAULT because you didn't have sex enough with him. Sounds great, doesn't it?
Oddly enough, there are only 3 sex scenes in this book. Not surprisingly, they are pretty much the EXACT SAME sex scene we've read since "Valley of the Horses":
Jondalar goes for Ayla's boobs. (He even asks, at one point, if a baby nursing feels like when he does it. I AM SERIOUS, HE ASKS THIS.)
Jondalar moves to Ayla's "petals".
Ayla moans and can't believe how "ready she is".
Jondalar wants to take her "right now" and can barely hold back.
Insert Tab J into Slot A. Fireworks, explosions, flowers fall from the sky, angels sing, deer dance in the field.
And then we have the Mother's Song. I have a great aunt that used to write poetry about what happened to the family in the past year (and force rhyme to death out of it) and put it into her Christmas cards. The poetry would be something like this:
And Johnny did run to the store one day
To say hello to his Aunt May
And what do you think should happen there?
He found a cute, adorable, cuddly bear!
THAT is better poetry that this horrible mess. And the absolute LAST THING I wanted was Ayla commenting on how moving and wonderful this piece of sh!t poem was.
Sandra Burr has been doing an amazing job narrating these books (and somehow managing to not burst into giggles during the sex scenes). HOWEVER, the Transylvania accent that she suddenly gives Ayla in this book is TOO MUCH. Somehow, it made her even MORE annoying, MORE Mary Sue-ish, AND MORE vampy.
I just have one question: HOW THE F@#$ DID THIS GET PUBLISHED?!?!!!?!? This is, without a doubt, the WORST book of the series so far. It is pointless, it totally negates all the tension of the last four books, wondering and worrying if Ayla would be accepted into the Zelandani. I've read fan fiction better written than this.
So my advice? AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!
P.S. Only one book to go! Can I make it?