A review by nyssahhhh
How to Be a Person in the World: Ask Polly's Guide Through the Paradoxes of Modern Life by Heather Havrilesky
4.0
Thanks, Polly, for being so blunt and thoughtful.
Fave lines:
66: So this is what I'd advise: three or four dates of rolling with it--not to lure a hapless motherfucker into some elaborate trap, but to protect yourself form feeling like a beggar.
Because you aren't a beggar! You should never feel that way! Even if you feel a little disingenuous saying, "I'm trying to avoid getting too invested over the wrong person," when you feel like you're already in love with the person in front of you, that's okay. You should be more cautious about falling in love too quickly, shouldn't you? You shouldn't invest in the wrong guy prematurely. What if he's kind of a dick on the third date? What if, when you do sleep together, the sex isn't great and it doesn't improve over time? And you're already semi-committed? ... When you know what you want, you have to keep your heart and your eyes wide open. You have to be willing to fall in love, but you also have to be willing to step back and say, "No way, this is not a good choice for me," before it's too late. If you're walking around lamenting all the noncommittal guys,that's going to distract you from the fact that you still get to choose. It's completely natural to think, "Oh my Christ, these guys with their loner bullshit!" It's like noticing that the sky is blue. But don't let that make you forget your value. Don't feel like you're asking permission from someone else just to get a tiny bit of consideration and attention.
68: You just have to know yourself and know that you won't settle for something half-assed. ... Don't ask indifference to love you. Indifference can go fuck itself. This is your life, and it's going to be big and bright and beautiful.
104: When it comes to love, at least, you must stop being or seeming "better." You need to accept exactly who you are and stop wishing it would change, that you'd be more palatable to the masses.
106: You are going to fall in love with what you have and fall in love with who you are. Do not take the so-called bad or wrong things about you, that boyfriends or men or even women have told you, and try to "get rid" of those things. Put that stuff on the list right next to the stuff you're proud of.
108: You are looking for someone with a taste for you, and nothing less will do.
143: You are here. Sit down. Feel our potential in this moment. You have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today Breathe in. Draw a picture of yourself. Tape it to the wall, with the words "YOU ARE HERE." You are here. Cherish yourself.
160: Stop being grateful for scraps. Everything good in my life has surged forth from one crucial moment or another when I said, "I am not settling for these scraps anymore. I want more than this for myself."
194: Will you get what you want? I don't know, but if I were you I would build it into my belief system. I WILL LIVE THE LIFE I WANT. Maybe you'll have to make adjustments. Maybe you'll have a kid alone or not have a kid at all. Cross that bridge when you come to it, but resolve to cross it with optimism, marching or dancing a little as you go.
It's the only way. Don't lament and worry endlessly. Don't let yourself spin in circles over your dreary big picture. Resolve to do the best you can with what you have.
197: First of all, let's acknowledge that lots of people don't get to third dates these days. Something has gone wrong in the online dating universe lately, and now courting has become this barren landscape of snap judgments, baked by a relentless sun of suspicion and whipped by the prevailing winds of dissatisfaction, until nothing but hostility and disappointment can grow. Instead of looking for areas of connection, people scrutinize each other for flaws.
But people are flawed, the end! You can't be a people without being flawed. Pretending otherwise and looking for perfection in others is a path of self-hatred and delusion and mutual lifelong bullshitting.
254: Stop trying to make sense of things. You can't think your way through this. Open your heart and drink in this glorious day. You are young, and you will find little things that will make you grateful to be alive. Believe in what you love now,with all of your heart, and you will love more and more until everything around you is love. Love yourself now, exactly as sad and scared and flawed as you are, and you will grow up ad live a rich life and show up for other people, and you'll know exactly how big that is.
Fave lines:
66: So this is what I'd advise: three or four dates of rolling with it--not to lure a hapless motherfucker into some elaborate trap, but to protect yourself form feeling like a beggar.
Because you aren't a beggar! You should never feel that way! Even if you feel a little disingenuous saying, "I'm trying to avoid getting too invested over the wrong person," when you feel like you're already in love with the person in front of you, that's okay. You should be more cautious about falling in love too quickly, shouldn't you? You shouldn't invest in the wrong guy prematurely. What if he's kind of a dick on the third date? What if, when you do sleep together, the sex isn't great and it doesn't improve over time? And you're already semi-committed? ... When you know what you want, you have to keep your heart and your eyes wide open. You have to be willing to fall in love, but you also have to be willing to step back and say, "No way, this is not a good choice for me," before it's too late. If you're walking around lamenting all the noncommittal guys,that's going to distract you from the fact that you still get to choose. It's completely natural to think, "Oh my Christ, these guys with their loner bullshit!" It's like noticing that the sky is blue. But don't let that make you forget your value. Don't feel like you're asking permission from someone else just to get a tiny bit of consideration and attention.
68: You just have to know yourself and know that you won't settle for something half-assed. ... Don't ask indifference to love you. Indifference can go fuck itself. This is your life, and it's going to be big and bright and beautiful.
104: When it comes to love, at least, you must stop being or seeming "better." You need to accept exactly who you are and stop wishing it would change, that you'd be more palatable to the masses.
106: You are going to fall in love with what you have and fall in love with who you are. Do not take the so-called bad or wrong things about you, that boyfriends or men or even women have told you, and try to "get rid" of those things. Put that stuff on the list right next to the stuff you're proud of.
108: You are looking for someone with a taste for you, and nothing less will do.
143: You are here. Sit down. Feel our potential in this moment. You have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today Breathe in. Draw a picture of yourself. Tape it to the wall, with the words "YOU ARE HERE." You are here. Cherish yourself.
160: Stop being grateful for scraps. Everything good in my life has surged forth from one crucial moment or another when I said, "I am not settling for these scraps anymore. I want more than this for myself."
194: Will you get what you want? I don't know, but if I were you I would build it into my belief system. I WILL LIVE THE LIFE I WANT. Maybe you'll have to make adjustments. Maybe you'll have a kid alone or not have a kid at all. Cross that bridge when you come to it, but resolve to cross it with optimism, marching or dancing a little as you go.
It's the only way. Don't lament and worry endlessly. Don't let yourself spin in circles over your dreary big picture. Resolve to do the best you can with what you have.
197: First of all, let's acknowledge that lots of people don't get to third dates these days. Something has gone wrong in the online dating universe lately, and now courting has become this barren landscape of snap judgments, baked by a relentless sun of suspicion and whipped by the prevailing winds of dissatisfaction, until nothing but hostility and disappointment can grow. Instead of looking for areas of connection, people scrutinize each other for flaws.
But people are flawed, the end! You can't be a people without being flawed. Pretending otherwise and looking for perfection in others is a path of self-hatred and delusion and mutual lifelong bullshitting.
254: Stop trying to make sense of things. You can't think your way through this. Open your heart and drink in this glorious day. You are young, and you will find little things that will make you grateful to be alive. Believe in what you love now,with all of your heart, and you will love more and more until everything around you is love. Love yourself now, exactly as sad and scared and flawed as you are, and you will grow up ad live a rich life and show up for other people, and you'll know exactly how big that is.