A review by haloblues
Crybaby by Marina Vivancos

3.0

Sasha is so fucking funny. Usually with shorter books I don't end up highlighting enough excerpts to include my usual 'favourite quotes' section in the review, but the amount of times his dialogue made me grin to myself out of pure amusement has single-handedly given me enough material.

Details: Fixed POV (Jason), third-person, past tense
Favourite character: Sasha
Happy ending?: Yes 

Favourite quotes:
“Fuck. Please, not another Russian drama,” Jason whined.

“No, no. Of course not,” Sasha agreed and proceeded to put on a Russian drama.


“Yes, Russian movies best.”

Jason snorted, relaxing a little at the familiar joke. “Yeah, the best at being long and boring. Congratulations.”

“You American, have no taste. All you want is burger movie.”

Jason, who had been friends with Sasha long enough—fuck, had it really been three years already?—to translate his weird phrases, rolled his eyes. “You were laughing your ass off at Zombieland like, yesterday.”

“That is not fast burger movie—”

“Fast food,” Jason corrected.

“That is good movie. No taste.”

“I’m not saying I didn’t like it, I’m just saying—”

“You always ‘just saying’. I’m not listen to American anymore.”


After learning that Sasha wouldn’t be able to take time off work to go to Russia during the winter, Jason pilfered Sasha’s sister’s number from his phone, contacting her about what they usually had for dinner on New Year’s Eve, and making it—or attempting to, anyway—as a surprise for Sasha.
Jason would never forget Sasha’s face that night. Confused, at first, when he smelt the food before seeing it all laid out on Jason’s table. Pickled vegetables glinted alongside a beetroot and herring salad—if it could be called a salad, really, with the amount of mayonnaise in it. There were cut fruits and lemons, and in the middle, a mountain of pork and potatoes that could feed far more than two people.

Sasha had stared, tears welling up in his eyes at once, to Jason’s repressed mortification and pleasure. Before Jason could try and downplay the gesture, Sasha had swept him up into a bear-hug so crushing and delightful that he’d genuinely not been able to breathe for a few seconds.

“Best friend!” Sasha declared him at once, swinging him around and almost braining Jason on the wall.


“He was convinced he had lead poisoning the other day from chewing a pencil. Pencils don’t even have lead anymore.”

“He like a hundred years old. He worry.”

“He went to the hospital, Sasha. He didn’t even have symptoms.”

“So? Mind your own business.”

“Um, excuse me, it very much was my business because all his drama always happens in the middle of a big project.”

Sasha ignored him.

Jason shook his head sadly. “I can’t believe you’re on his side.”

“There is no side. You make side. Shut up and help me choose.”

“Maybe we should get him a lead-detection kit.”

“I said shut up.”

“You said to help!”

“Yes. You not helping, you shut up.”

“This is harassment.”

“You are harassment.”


“Ah, good old American cuisine,” Jason said before digging in.

“This Chinese.”

“No, it’s not. You fucking go to China with that food and they’ll laugh in your face.”

Sasha shrugged. “Is good. Not as good as Russian food, of course, but good.”

“Russian food is made of potatoes and mayonnaise. And beets. It’s made so you can survive through winter and then promptly die of scurvy come summertime.”

Sasha shook his head. “I cannot believe I am friend with such a weak American man.”

“Okay, beet-lover. Eat your fake Chinese food.”


“No Mario Kart. I’m fucking sick of that stupid game,” Jason said as he grabbed them a couple of beers from the fridge.

“You just bad at game.”

“You know what? Yes, I’ll admit it—I am bad, and I hate that stupid Bowser fuck, and you suck, so, there.”


The morning dawned slowly and a little confused as Jason was awoken by the jostle of another body next to his.

“Why is it so hot?” he whined, rolling away.

“You just wake up and already complain? This is how you start every morning?”


When he stepped into the kitchen, Jason saw that Sasha had prepared eggs with vegetables and cut up some fruit. “Looks good,” he complimented.

Sasha narrowed his eyes at him. “What you eat? Have no food.”

“If I have no food, then what the hell did you cook with? Air?” He settled across from Sasha at the breakfast bar, pulling the plate Sasha wasn’t digging into towards himself with a pleased hum.

“Yes, Russian make food out of air.”


Sasha, oblivious to Jason’s internal freak-out, smirked. “Last night, good for you?”

“Stop fishing for compliments.”

Sasha shook his head. “This is why you not have boyfriend. Not romantic at all.”


“I knew this was good idea,” Sasha said against his lips. “I am genius.”

“For once, I couldn’t agree with you more. Maybe you’re a sexual savant.”

“Savant?”

“It’s like someone that is very gifted at something.”

“Yes, that me.”

“I guess I’m a great teacher.”

“No, savant is natural gift, not learn.”

“You literally didn’t know what savant meant a second ago.”


“Not my fault.”

“It absolutely was your… you know what? I can let this one go.”

“Wow. Did not know that was even possible.”

“Finding my Zen place. It’s fine.”

“He has Zen place. It was built yesterday, very new, never seen before.”

“Practicing mindfulness in times of stress.”

“He has mind. It was built yesterday, very new, never—”


“You are stupidest man. How you function, unbelievable.” He looked at Jason. “I’m in love with you. You are best friend, good friend, always think of me, treat me best. And sex best, too. What are you talking about, finding love of life? You are love of life! I’m in love with stupidest man on planet.”
 
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