A review by nyquillll
Yours Truly by Abby Jimenez

emotional funny hopeful lighthearted reflective tense medium-paced

• Plot- or character-driven? A mix
• Strong character development? Yes
• Loveable characters? Yes
• Diverse cast of characters? It's complicated
• Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

I actually read this series out of order (read the third one and then this one, the second one), and it was really cool learning the backstory of characters that were mentioned in the third book. I loved seeing how she connected the characters and the worlds, and it was almost more interesting connecting it backward. 

This book talked about intense (social) anxiety (representation of which felt the closest to how I experience anxiety than any other person I've met or book I've read!), finding people who understand us and accept us, realizing that sometimes relationships (should) end because someone(s) is not willing to understand the other, having a close family member dealing with complex health issues, the grief that comes with watching health issues take a version of someone you know away, navigating advocating for a promotion and the selection process, the pure elation of being loved and seen so clearly, making space for people we love in our lives, being raised by a single mother (+ dealing with an absent father), complex family dynamics (

which is VERY understandable if your younger brother becomes engaged to your ex

), the ways we learn to love people so they better understand and receive our affection, small acts of kindness as a result of paying attention and noticing the small things, finding people who ease some of our mental and emotional load and make things more bearable, learning to trust again, and being vulnerable enough to show your truest self to someone else, even after a bad first impression. 

I adored this book and the only reason it's not a 5 star for me at this moment is because of the

accidental pregnancy trope AND the third act breakup AAAND MISCOMMUNICATION???

that were added on at the end - I really could have done without those. Also, I was confused for a chunk of the book with how clearly Jacob had feelings for Briana but she couldn't see it (I know, it's for the plot), but it felt like Breanna did like him back more out of him

donating his kidney to her brother

...I did like the progression of how they were friends first before they dated, but some of her feelings initially I didn't buy right away. But I'm so excited to read more of Abby Jimenez's work!

---

Content Warnings

Graphic: Panic attacks/disorders and Medical trauma

Minor: Pregnancy

Quotes I highlighted:

"It wouldn't be by default. it would be on merit. Ten years of merit."

"This year was going to be my villain origin story, I just knew it."

"I'd dated Amy for years and hadn't succeeded in making her understand my anxiety, so why would she get it now?"

"I wished there was some sort of autopilot I could slip into, like I usually did at work. A muscle memory to move me through the motions. But it would have to be all me. I'd have to be awake for it. Fully aware."

"Being difficult and indignant wouldn't change it. And they didn't mean to hurt me. Even if they did."

"'Fuck them both!' her wife, Gwen, parroted from the background."

"'Jacob,' Mom said carefully, 'you have always been the diplomatic one. I love that about you, but you do not need to put yourself through this. It's fine to set boundaries.'"

"I knew from years of therapy that I was ruminating. That the encounter had probably been nothing to her, but to me it felt like the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened."

"I knew I was being quiet and taciturn and this wasn't helping to endear me to the already-cold nurses on my shift, but I was so in my head I couldn't stop myself."

"I'd always had a hard time making new friends. I got nervous in unfamiliar social settings, so I would say the wrong thing or become withdrawn, so it took time for people to warm up to me. Maybe I just needed time here too."

"His eyes were red, and I wondered if his day was going about as well as mine. Maybe he'd come in here for a break too."

"We both paused and just stood there, looking at each other. Him with his bear claws and bear teeth. Me with my bear spray. But neither of us moved to hurt the other, and I couldn't explain it other than to say that the bear and I agreed to be harmless to each other and share the space. That's what this felt like. A quiet, unspoken truce."

"Places I knew were less stressful for me because I had a sense of how loud it was going to be, how crowded. I wouldn't have to ask anyone where the restrooms were."

"When my mental health was struggling, I had a strict self-care regime. The second I started to notice the glitchy, staticky feeling creeping in, I made a concerted effort to exercise and get enough sleep."

"I was glad I came. I needed this. A reminder that there were people who liked me."

"Different people had different energy demands. Some people took more from me than others."

"He needed an adult-ier adult to take care of him right now. He was going to have to decide which overbearing woman he wanted in his life, because one was about to be assigned to him whether he liked it or not."

"I needed to not be at work today. I needed to sit around my house without a bra, my hair in a weird bun, watching reruns of Schitt's Creek."

"I'm beginning to think men are not sending us their best people."

"All they do is lie and throw off your PH balance. They are a constant reminder that we don't choose our sexuality, because who in their right mind would choose to be attracted to men."

"'What about you?' he asked. 'What kind of cupcake do you like?'"

"Because both of our lives had officially come to an abrupt stop. We were adults, regressing."

"But having men as friends and peers and family is very different than having them as partners."

"So I just lived here in the faded remnants of my childhood."

"...my anxiety sometimes makes it hard for me to gauge social cues, and I don't always express myself the way I hope to. It was poor judgment on my part, and I apologize."

"I meant what I said to be reassuring, but I didn't consider how insensitive it would come off without context."

"Way better than text or email, like it had a different weight to it or something."

"First of all, if you think for one second that I can be flipped with cupcakes and handwritten apology letters, then you are absolutely correct. I accept all your apologies and explanations. I also would like to apologize. I have been awful to you."

"I'm not always like this. I'm not really the best version of myself these days."

"I'm going to put it in the freezer until I'm a person karmically worthy of cream cheese frosting."

"Know that you are welcome and wanted, and if you ever do decide to take me up on it, I will sit next to you at the bar and I won't force you to make small talk with me and I won't let drunk extroverts anywhere near you. This is my solemn vow. Zero drunk extroverts."

"I will however accept your invitation to be invited and never come."

"I also enjoy not answering calls, not networking, never leaving the house, and hanging out with my dog."

"It was a nice diversion going into a store I'd never had a reason to go into. It felt like a mission or a scavenger hunt or something."

"I only know he's alive because he does this 3:00a.m. zoomy thing where he tears through my house and somehow gets involved with the blinds?"

"It was sort of surprising how funny Jacob was. He seemed so uptight. But then I realized that it was probably the anxiety that made him come off that way."

"Like she'd already cried about it and grieved him and this just made it official."

"And the dialysis was the constant reminder that the worst possible thing had happened. Every time he sat down for it, he lost more of himself."

"I think one of the best parts of this new thing with Jacob was drawing him out. I wanted to unravel him, find out more about who he was."

"Another message popped up. Briana: What r u doing? Panicking???"

"I was going over to the little cabin-themed restaurant down the street to get a signal."

"I clipped it to his collar faster than I've ever moved in my life and then started running with him the quarter mile to the restaurant."

"But this didn't really give me the time to change mental gears and get used to the idea that it was happening right now. I didn't really do spontaneity, especially in social situations."

"I'm on lesbian TikTok right now and it is the most glorious place on earth."

"We stayed on the phone and talked about nothing like this for hours."

"Talking to her was easy in a way I wasn't used to."

"She made me feel interesting, like she wanted to know about me and what I had to say."

"I was always braced here. Braced for confrontation, braced for open dislike. Braced for unpleasantness in general. Only just now did my brain decide that I didn't need to be. And that was because of her."

"If I rewatched a show, there were never any surprises. No emotional jump scares. I didn't have to process new feelings or stress over cliffhangers."

"When my anxiety is extra high, new music is too draining to process. I'd lean on old playlists. A lyrical safe space, the comfort of repetition."

"This was me making space for her, even though she would never know it. My way of saying thank you for her friendship, even if it was too quiet to hear."

"Then the panic set in. I obsessed over what to eat for the next four hours."

"Eating was intimate. It took me a ong time to truly feel comfortable doing it in front of someone."

"Wouldn't it be amazing to live like that? To not carry that burden around with you. To not feel constantly overwhelmed and overstimulated and second-guess every little thing."

"But unlike most silences, this one didn't feel awkward. It was the pause between our letters. Just a small break in the dialogue."

"And then I had to laugh, because it occurred to me that it was easier for me to donate an entire organ than it was to ask a woman to pose as my girlfriend and come with me to a few family gatherings. My fear of rejection and judgment was that acute."

"At least when I stayed mad, the emotion was directed outward and not in."

"You know, when you were a kid and you'd fall asleep in the car and your dad would carry you to bed and you wouldn't remember it? You'd just have a foggy memory of floating through space. And then you'd wake up in bed the next morning not remembering how you got there, but sort of remembering it at the same time?"

"'My dad was gone by the time I was eight. I never teleported again after that. There wasn't anyone strong enough to carry me.' I paused for a long moment. 'Men have only ever left me, Ali,' I said quietly."

"Someone had given me my brother back."

"I felt my chest filling up, like love and gratitude and appreciation were solids that took up space inside me. I could feel the emotions pouring from my heart, streaming from the tips of my fingers, bursting from my mouth like a shout."

"She hugged me like I've never been hugged in my life. It was like she was collapsing at the end of a finish line."

"Silence was always my default response. Sometimes things are easier to understand when unsaid. Sometimes words complicate things and make them murky. This moment didn't need them."

"'Uh, the hell you aren't,' she said. 'Like, I don't want to be dramatic, but I would literally die for you right now. What do you need?'"

"Sorry. I just...I'm nervous and when I'm nervous I...I sometimes miss steps."

"He gazed at me a long moment. That quiet, thoughtful look he gave me sometimes, and I realized the behind that expression was probably the wheels of his brain, working overtime. Trying to assess the situation, worrying, overthinking like I knew Benny always did. His anxiety pinging around. A clawing internal panic nobody else could see."

"He wasn't just living what was happening. He was living what might happen. An infinite number of what-ifs, fueled by his anxiety, each one experienced like they were going on simultaneously, eating away at him, terrifying him, tormenting him."

"Benny liked it because it gave him a goal and it forced him to talk to people."

"The kids wrapped their arms around Jacob's neck. 'What socks?' Jacob smiled, his honey eyes creasing at the corners. 'Frogs, like you said.'"

"'Give me a cigarette or I'll tell Jacob you're hittin' on me. You got five minutes.' I choked on a laugh. 'What?'"

"If you get me a whole pack, I'll give you my Purple Heart."

"I nodded to the house. 'Come on. Give me a tour.' I suggested this on purpose to give him a chance to decompress before we joined the group again."

"She seemed to inherently understand the communal effort that was the family dinner. She seemed to understand a lot of things."

"I could feel it all pressing on me from the inside, like a scream trying to get out. But she was drying dishes. And my family was chatting with her and laughing."

"I want you to know that I have been fully potty trained for quite some time now. I'm pretty proud of it."

"I was starting to realize these pauses were a protective reflex. He always thought about what he was going to say before he said it. Like he was weighing it, deciding what he should reveal."

"Jacob: I need more information than that. I called him. He answered immediately."

"Sounds like Amy really likes hanging out in trees."

"I will never judge you for how you climb a tree, Jacob. And you should know that you are an exceptional fish."

"...and I realized that I had surpassed my ability to be hurt more than I already had been."

"There's just matches that have a higher chance of working than others. Maybe you guys were like that. It could have worked, but you'd spend your whole life forcing it."

"I always think that when we're quiet, we're agreeing to be harmless to each other. That we're just sharing the same space and letting each other exist exactly as we are, and neither of us would hurt or upset the other one."

"'And only two? What if more than one person comes over?' 'I don't want more than one person to come over.' 'Clearly. The horror.'"

"I felt oddly possessive of him and this little universe we'd built, which was equal parts ridiculous and scary, because how much of our universe was even real?"

"'You have a very beautiful life, Jacob.' Something that I couldn't read moved across his face. 'Thank you,' he said quietly."

"His life was made up of hundreds of thousands of tiny choices, each thing in it selected by him and only him, so it was exactly what he wanted."

"Imagine being the woman he picked to join him here. Having a gentle man like this one choose you to be a part of his private, insular world. To be as special as each thing he carefully surrounded himself with. How lucky that woman would be."

"I wanted to be this whole again. I would."

"'Those motherfuckers are always up to something,' Briana said. We were parked in front of my parents' house. I shook my head at her. 'No. Give me something else.'"

"All I wanted to do these last few weeks was to show her how much I appreciated her and valued her friendship."

"A quiet observation of her well-being had grown inside of me the way it did for all the people I cared about. Only not the same. Not the same at all."

"No. They're going to be looking at me. And I'm going to be looking at you. Like this."

"'I know what you mean,' Briana said curtly. 'When Jacob told me what this party was for, I couldn't believe that either.'"

"Gwen sucked air through her teeth, and Jewel whispered, 'Damn. Double homicide,' under her breath."

"'She's not a mean person. I don't think that came out the way she intended.' 'Yeah, well, she'd better learn to be a little more intentional when it comes to you, because I'm not going to put up with it.'"

"Jewel responded to strong female leadership."

"It was weird to say, but she made me feel alone - the way I felt when I was by myself. Calm and unaffected. Like it was just us here and not a hundred other people."

"'Oh, dear. Someone gave Grandpa a cigarette.' She started to get up. 'Probably your cousins.' 'Those motherfuckers are always up to something,' I said."

"'I'm sorry,' he said, finally, his voice flat. 'I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'll never ask you this again.' I felt like crying."

"She was tough. She worked through the pain and kept doing what she loved. And when she couldn't, we helped her."

"And I thought it was me. I thought any relationship I was in was going to be that hard because of who I was. How I was."

"But I wouldn't do that with Briana. I'd leave my comfort zone. I had to. Because that's where she was. And for her I would go anywhere."

"'Oh,' he said again. And then, 'Can I come?'"

"'I have to go take a picture of the driveway,' I mumbled, getting up. 'The driveway?' she asked. 'He needs to know where to park. It's a thing.'"

"I was stupid for this man."

"Jacob made me feel safe. He was like a living lullaby. A softly spoken word."

"It was knowing that leaving was an option that gave me the courage to try."

"'Well, I still wouldn't punch you in the face,' I said. 'But I would work hard enough so you'd always have everything you need. I'd go hungry so you could eat.'"

"I shrugged. 'Okay. I'll take your last name, then.'"

"I watched her walk to the door like I was watching the wrong ending of a movie I loved and knew by heart."

"'Are you claustrophobic?' he asked, looking worried. No. I was not. 'Yes,' I lied. 'But we eat lunch in a supply closet-'"

"I'm sorry, but I have about as much willpower as a piece of broccoli."

"He looked me in the eye. 'There's nothing about me that I'm afraid for you to know.'"

"'Okay.' He took his phone from me and did a few swipes. he thumbed something gin, then he handed it back to me. 'There. I changed my password. Now it's the same one as yours.'"

"I want to have the kind of living room you like."

"'Okay.' I nodded. 'We'll go sit on sofas.'"

"Jacob was who he said he was. All the time. And to me, men were never who they said they were. But this one, by all accounts, sort of was."

"I tore out the last five pages of the book he was reading."

"'What does this one mean?' she whispered. 'This one what?' I said softly. She opened her beautiful eyes and looked at me. 'This quiet,' she said dreamily."

"I know all of your quiets."

"She snuggled into me and it was everything. My entire universe condensed to a single place and time."

"The fire burned down to embers and I stayed there until my back hurt from leaning on a hope chest. Then I picked her up and carried her to bed. And while she was cradled in my arms, she muttered something about teleporting."

"When we were growing up, there was so little she could give us, but even if there wasn't money, she could always give us a clean home."

"It occurred to me that this is what true compatibility must feel like. Easy."

"I am deeply in love with this man. And only five percent of that is because of what he's doing for you."

"It was amazing that Jacob had so many endearing qualities that donating an organ to my brother only represented the smallest reason why I loved him."

"I set up the coffeepot like I always did for the next morning - only I made twice what I normally did, and even this small thing made me smile."

"'What are you doing?' 'Watching Briana. I sent her flowers. I'm waiting for them to get here.' 'What'd you send her flowers for?' I smiled. 'She's mad at me.' 'For what?' 'She asked if I'd eat her if she were a gummy bear. I said yes.'"

"I liked hearing his footsteps coming down the hallway, or his bed creaking when he got up in the morning."

"'You don't have to bring my dad dead things.' 'But I want to be his favorite,' she whined."

"It seemed a waste to love her as much as I did without her ever knowing it."

"You are blind. You're worrying in the wrong direction. Worry the other way."

"I wasn't. I was feeling dizzy. I felt like my brain was detaching from my body. I couldn't breathe right."

"Even if you don't love me back. Even if it never matters to you or means anything or goes anywhere. I love you."

"A head on his shoulder in the movie theater. A kiss before bed. A cuddle in the dark. Growing old and holding his hand."

"The silence between us was like a vacuum. It wasn't the cessation of sound, it was a world where sound didn't exist."

"I was on a loop of the limited information I had."

"'Use me,' he said, his eyes resigned. 'Use me for whatever you want. Just stay.'"

"And then I realized that I had always felt it. This was his quiet. The silence that I couldn't decipher. It was me."

"I was too busy living the dream that was my life to sit down and document it."

"And maybe I taught you that none of them are and that's my fault./"

"It's the greatest revenge to be happy. To have a good life. So have one. With him."

"But sometimes the hardest thing isn't trusting the next person. It's trusting yourself."

"'You know what to do. It's what you did with him.' She nodded at the dog sleeping at my feet. 'You move slowly. Be consistent. Give her reassurance. Make her feel loved and safe. Show up. Don't give up on her and make sure she knows you never will. And try to get her into therapy.'"

"She smiled gently at me and put a hand on mine. 'I want you to know that watching two complete strangers fall in love has been one of the greatest gift of my life.' I stilled. 'What do you mean?' She grinned ruefully. 'Come on, Jacob. It's my job to know when it isn't real. And also when it is.'"

"'It's normal to be scared,' she said gently. 'You've been hurt, it's hard to feel safe again. This is just the flinch.'"

"Bri? When he tells you he loves you, believe it. Be brave and believe it."

"You know, love shows up, Briana. And even if you keep me away from you, my heart will still be where you are. So just let me be where you are."

"You got me a book?" "It's a story, yes."

"...because any day I'm not with her is just wasted time. And I'll already never get all the time I want..."

"Jacob wrote pages and pages about how he felt when I wouldn't talk to him. How afraid he was that he was losing me. How he would do anything to bring me back and his heart was breaking because I was so sad and he missed me so much and he felt helpless."

"But someday, decades from now, when our grandchildren are grown and our hair is gray, and we've spent a lifetime being harmless to each other, you're going to find this letter yellowed and wrinkled, forgotten in a shoebox. You'll read it and you'll remember how frightened and unsure you were once. How afraid you were to give yourself to someone, how hard it was to trust again - and you'll smile. Because I'll still be there. And we will still be in love."

"He let me look into his soul. And the only thing in there was us."

"A voice I knew, one I didn't. The one I knew I couldn't place, but I felt calm hearing it, and I knew someone who loved me was in the room."

"'I'm trying to manifest the things I want by speaking them into the universe.' 'And you want a wife?' 'Only if it's you.' She peered gently at me. 'I'm open to discussion.'"

"I know trust is hard for you. So that's what I'm going to help you with."

"I'm afraid I'm just drugged and none of this is really happening."

"I had Ava on my hip."

"I thought about that and I almost bailed. But then you went and changed your last name to Ortiz and made it weird. It'd be kind of a dick move if I didn't marry you now."

"And we went to couple's counseling once a month, just to make sure we maintained our communication skills, and I never lost sight of what she needed in this relationship to feel safe."