A review by sararmn
All the Lovers in the Night by Mieko Kawakami

5.0

From a young age, I couldn't bring myself to contribute to conversations like a normal person, much less socialize or go out with people, and I was never able to acclimate to the particular atmosphere of that little office.

I panicked, fearful that I had disappointed her, or had even offended her. But I had no idea how to convey this hadn't been my intention. I lacked the confidence to speak well.

I understood what she was asking, but I couldn't think of a single thing about me that would be worth sharing.

The image of myself that floated to the surface, tinged with blue against a backdrop of the signs, walls, and windows of the nearby buildings, looked absolutely miserable. Not sad, or tired, but the dictionary definition of a miserable person.

I thought about the books that I had looked through in the bookstore. It occurred to me that they were full of things that people wanted to say to other people, or things people wanted somebody to say to them.

"Memory's funny, isn't it? We remember some things out of nowhere, but so much of what happens, we never think about again."

We never talked about anything that mattered, but Noriko was the first person I could call a friend. That's what she meant to me.

I climbed into bed only to realize that I had no way to occupy myself, which gave rise to an unspeakable loneliness, although I had no idea what it was that made me feel so lonely.

"I wonder why it was so easy for me to tell you," Noriko said. “I guess because you’re not one of the main characters in my life anymore."

I'm all alone, I thought.

I'd been on my own for ages, and I was convinced that there was no way I could be any more alone, but now I’d finally realized how alone I truly was. Despite the crowds of people, and all the different places, and a limitless supply of sounds and colors packed together, there was nothing here that I could reach out and touch. Nothing that would call my name. There never had been, and there never would be. And that would never change, no matter where I went in the world.

Then a question suddenly came to me. What had I been doing until now? Had I ever chosen anything? Had I made some kind of choice that led me here? Thinking it over, I stared at the cell phone in my hands. The job that I was doing, the place where I was living, the fact that I was all alone and had no one to talk to. Could these have been the result of some decision that I'd made?

I was so scared of being hurt that I'd done nothing. I was so scared of failing, of being hurt, that I chose nothing. I did nothing.

"I hope you realize that not everyone in the world sees things the way you do."